The results were finally in after several hours of research in the young inventor's makeshift lab he'd thrown together over the course of his life. Everything he knew was at stake at the moment and if he didn't hurry, there wouldn't be enough time to save it. But while working, Donatello's mind made a connection between what had been going on and the purple ooze in the beacon. A sudden occurrence of thought that- even though farfetched- could possibly change his family's lives.
And he couldn't wait to tell Leo.
Grabbing the vile off his table, Donnie hurried down the hall to find his oldest brother and best friend to tell the news. Yes, the world was still possibly ending and their sewer lives sucked, but that could all be improved by what he was about to say! "Leo! Leo, where are you? Leo, oh, my gosh come here!" Donnie cried excitedly, peeking into each room of their sewer lair in hopes Leo would be in one of them so he could stop squawking like an idiot.
This could and would be the start of something fantastic. No more hiding underground all day in fear of being gawked at by humans, or worse- experimented on. No more studying at a junky table; because if this worked, he would surely go to college and study in a real, equipped laboratory.
Finally, after a good twenty seconds of calling Leo's name with no answer, he found him sharpening his katanas behind a shelf, purposefully ignoring him like the wonderful jerk he was.
"Leo. Finally… oh my gosh. You'll never believe what I just created." He took a deep breath in. "So while I was examining the purple ooze I started thinking about how it turned Rocksteady and Bebop into what they are due to what's in their DNA… and if my calculations are correct, this can give us the possibility of reverting into something as well… and by that I mean… turning human." He dripped the liquid onto his hand, and within an instant the three fingered webbed hand he always hated transformed into a human hand, with five working fingers. He looked up at Leo, praying for approval. This is what they'd always wanted- to fit in with the outside world.
"Donnie, this isn't a good idea. We aren't meant to be humans. And even if we did turn, what would we do? How could we possibly save everyone with an average body?" With each word his brother spoke, Donnie's dreams cracked, nearly shattering along with all hope he'd been holding inside of him for the last sixteen years. "Do not tell anyone about this. This stays between us. We don't want false hope or for them to get distracted. Do you understand?" Leo's words were forced now, as if he didn't truly mean them, but was just programmed with the response after years of telling himself the human world wasn't for him. But to tell the truth, he did want to be out in the real world sometimes. To be able to travel around the world and visit museums or go to movies without someone calling the police. But Leo understood at this point that it simply wasn't to be, and he needed to accept the hand the universe dealt him.
Donnie quickly turned away, tears welling up in his eyes as he attempted to form a sentence without choking up. "Okay, Leo…" Why was his older brother so stubborn? Didn't he understand that this could be an excellent opportunity for them? Donnie clenched his fists and went back into the room he unfortunately shared with Leo to cool off. He lay across the mat he would sleep on as tears began to trickle down his cheeks, trying to stay quiet so his brothers wouldn't hear him. I want to be a scientist… I want to help people and cure diseases. How can I help anyone when I'm stuck down here?
He looked over at Leo's neatly straightened sleeping mat and frowned. They'd slept on the floor for how many years now? How many winters had they both been shivering under their thin blankets, lips blue and puffs of steam emitted from their mouths with each breath? If they were on the surface, they would have their own beds; warm and comfortable, and pajamas to wear as well. Donnie just couldn't stop thinking about how life could be for his family… and so he considered discussing this again with Leo at a different and less stressful time. Breathing in and wiping his eyes and nose, Donnie prepared to go back into the main room.
Well, he had to anyway because the calm discussion between Raph and Mikey turned to shouts from Raph and sharp responses from Leo. Somehow, Donnie realized, his conversation with Leo had been overheard and someone was definitely not happy about it.
Quietly, he slipped into the room, watching his brothers bicker. Raph was right. They should become human and he had a right to know about what their brother had decided. He also had a right to put his opinion in, but Leo harshly shut him down, saying the only vote that mattered was his own. No, Leo, this was a team. Everyone's opinion mattered. The angry situation was quickly diverted when Donnie got a signal on one of his gadgets regarding the whereabouts of Rocksteady and Bebop. Good. Now they could all go out, get some fresh air and calm down. This is what everyone needed!
"Donnie, you're coming with me. Raph, Mikey, stay here." Leo's harsh commands shocked his brothers. This wasn't fair; they didn't do anything! But the truth was, Leo needed some time away from his brothers so he wouldn't give into the temptation of becoming human. He didn't want to think about it, and yet that was the only thought running through his mind as him and Donnie climbed into their new van. "Don't you think that was a little harsh? Mikey didn't even do anything…" Donnie said quietly, starting the vehicle and noticing Leo's hands tremble a little bit.
"I needed time away, because you and I need to discuss this whole 'human' thing. I really need you on my side for this." Leo gripped onto his seatbelt, eyes narrowing as they made their way onto the backstreets.
"But think of all we could do- the dreams we'd made as kids could finally come true! Don't you want that for yourself?" Donnie shot a glance at his slightly angered older sibling. "Of course I do! But now is not the time to be filling their heads with this drabble. There's too much at stake right now. Don't you think?"
Donnie pursed his lips, mind coming up with just the perfect answer while he continued to drive along the dark road. "Dreaming was the only thing that gave us hope as children, do you remember?"
How could Leo forget? They'd shared a room for sixteen years and also shared many secrets and wishes and dreams for the future. Was it just ten years ago when Leo told his younger brother he'd like to be a soldier when he grew up?
"I think that'd be a very good job. I could be a hero, and everyone would respect me!"
And young Donnie merely grinned, passing him a sheet of paper he'd drawn on. "I want to be a famous inventor… maybe I'll even invent a flying car!"
"Donnie…" the young turtle leaned back on the mat, staring up at the brick, empty ceiling with his usual contemplative expression. "Do you suppose we'll ever actually do all of those things? Because Dad said the world won't understand or accept us. But I really, really want to go up there and see it… and just have friends and be normal!" He exclaimed, little mind filling with thoughts of a bright future.
"Why wouldn't the world accept us? We're nice people. They will, and we're going to be heroes someday, you'll see!"
Blinking out of the memory, Leo noticed that the van had stopped. "Why are we stopping; this isn't the museum…"
"The museum can wait a second. I need to know why you are so repulsed by the idea of being among the humans. You hate life down there enough, so why don't you want it to improve?" Donnie shifted in his seat so that he faced his brother straight on.
"Life isn't that bad. I have you guys. The food's not exactly great but I have some, I have a roof over my head and a city to explore by night. So really, it isn't that bad." Leo had to keep reminding himself of the positive things about being a complete freak and outcast to society.
"I want to be normal. I want to be a scientist. I can't do anything productive down here and I'm just so ugly in this body! Who would ever take me serious up there looking like this?" Donnie chewed on the inside of his cheek to silence himself. "I'm a hideous freak and I hate myself for being this way! I'm trying to accept it and move on with my life, but I just can't now that this opportunity for us is here! God, I just want to have a normal life!" He covered his eyes, breathing in and out steadily in attempts to keep the beckoning tears from flowing from his tear ducts. "Everyone is so unhappy; I just want everyone to be happy again, and I know none of us ever will be…"
Leo remained silent, listening to his brother's worries and words of dashed hope.
"Sometimes I want to kill myself, Leo. I see no point for my existence. I'll never make a difference in the world… so who would truly care if I live or die?"
"Donnie, stop this. You know I would. You know our brothers would be heartbroken… and Master Splinter? It'd kill him. You cannot think that way about yourself. You have a purpose, and that purpose right now is to keep driving so we can get there and figure out what's going on." No, that came out a bit insensitive, which wasn't Leo's intention. Now Donnie would hate him. "Look, I know our lives are trying and seemingly pointless, but they aren't. They're already a lot better than they were two years ago, remember? Because of the improvements you've made for the lair."
Donnie shrugged, unimpressed and unconvinced. Heart heavy and broken, he started up the truck again and the pair continued on with their mission.
"We were going to buy a penthouse in Manhattan and split the costs. That was the plan back then, Leo. And now you've given up on everything because you suddenly think life is great?" Donnie cried. "I know it isn't true!"
"And you also know we would never be accepted up there, human or not we are still different and freaks and I am not ready to lose my family to the outside world!" Leo shouted at him, the air filled with frustration and heartbreak. They didn't want to fight, not really. But with two different opinions on the situation, what choice did they have?
"You wouldn't lose us…" Donnie said softly, getting out of the truck. "How could you possibly lose us?" His eyes suddenly widened with the realization that, perhaps Leo was right. Once they became human, Mikey would take this opportunity to make as many friends as possible and spend all of his time with them. Raph would presumably leave them and move onto doing something else, living his own life. Donnie would travel around and go to college somewhere. That meant Leo would be all alone. "Okay, so maybe you'd lose us. But we're growing up, Leo. And… we'd still talk to you…" He drew in a breath, waiting for a harsh response. But his leader merely frowned, climbing up the museum wall. "Forget it, Donnie. I'm done talking about this."
Days later, after numerous battles had been fought and the human issue had been dealt with, Donnie finally had a chance to relax and think about all that had happened. Yes, it was good the police of New York knew about him and his brothers and respected them, but what about everyone else? They'd still consider them freaks. He couldn't be a scientist in the body of a turtle.
It was almost six in the morning when Donnie finally got around to going to bed, and unfortunately his roommate was still awake. He turned onto his side and glanced up at the poster of the periodic table on his wall. His longing to be a scientist only grew and burned inside the young man's chest. There was no way he could take much more of this. If he couldn't become human, he would kill himself. That was it.
Yes, he loved his family dearly and would never want to hurt them, but he was so dissatisfied with his current situation that none of his brothers mattered. Donnie pretended to fall asleep and waited for his older brother to do so as well, but he didn't. Leo was ready to talk. "Donnie… you still awake?"
"Trying to sleep, but yes… what is it?" He used a sleepy and slightly agitated tone to answer as a way of showing he wasn't in the mood for a conversation.
"What you did out there… stopping that whole technodrome formation… that was amazing. I bet no ordinary scientist could do what you did." Leo crossed his legs, thin blue blanket draped over them. "You can do a lot more than you're aware of, and you don't need to be up there to do so."
"What's the point of even having this brain? I don't think I'll ever go to the surface again." Donatello grumbled, hugging himself.
Leo chuckled softly, moving to sit next to him. "That's humorous. I know you're not being serious about all of this."
"I am being serious! Just look at me!" Donnie snapped, sitting up. "You heard what they said, we're monsters, Leo! I'm a monster with a brain that's pointless to use and I just want to die so badly! The world doesn't need me anymore; nobody!... nobody needs me…" The poor turtle was hysterical at this point, sobbing into his hands. Leo blew out a breath he didn't know he was holding when he moved a little closer. Tears pricked at his sapphire eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He needed to be strong for his younger brother. He put an arm around him and closed his eyes. "Think of all the good you and you alone have done for this city. Look at that medal hanging on the wall that you received for what you've done. You're brave, and you're definitely needed. New York will always need us."
"No," Donnie sniffed, hands trembling, "New York will always need a hero. It doesn't have to be me." He was right. Heroes had come and go since the beginning of time and most of them never got any recognition. Neither would he. The world would never know of anything he had done… "I'm nothing and you know that Leonardo."
Leo nodded, sighing. "I can't convince you that you're important and that your life means something… so my advice to you is to just keep dreaming, Donnie. One day, human or not, you're going to experience life and everything will be okay. You are not going to kill yourself because I simply won't allow you to." He scoffed, focusing on the dim light as opposed to showing his brother his emotions. "I promise things will turn out alright for all of us. Maybe I'll never be a soldier and you'll never be a famous scientist, but we are something already. We are heroes and the whole world doesn't have to know that for it to be true."
Donnie leaned against his brother, slowly calming down. "Then why can't I feel like a hero? If I am one, surely I should feel that."
"Perhaps it just means you are very humble. If my words mean anything at all, I see you as a hero."
The younger brother pinched his lips together to hold back a remark. Leo saw him as a weak, barely useful liability and nothing more. He pretended to agree with him and closed his eyes, waiting until Leo finally dozed off. Then, Donatello stepped out of the room, running through the sewers as fast as his legs could carry him until he reached a grate to look through. He looked up, admiring the bright lights and listening to the humans' carefree conversations and confident walks. Touching one of the bars that separated him from the world he so badly wanted to be part of, Donnie promised himself that he would keep dreaming until the day he died.
"I want to help people when I grow up. I'm going to be incredibly rich and famous enough to take care of Dad, and you guys. Life will be good, and we'll all be happy. We'll have the best life ever!"
Donnie clutched the broken vile with just a few drops of mutagen left in it, knowing it wasn't enough to turn him human, but could give him a glimpse of what it was like, just for a few moments.
He dabbed it onto his rough skin, around his eyes, nose and mouth, then gazed into a puddle at his reflection. The person staring back at him was no horrifying monster, no, this was an average looking teenager with an awkward look to his face. But this looked like the person who could grow up and become a doctor, or a rocket scientist. Donnie's face turned back to normal but his smile didn't fall. Because that person was still inside of him somewhere, and he didn't need to show his face to show that he was indeed there. Quirky, awkward and sweet. The scientist who spent his youth in the underground, discovering groundbreaking information that would improve the science field. World famous and incredibly rich, all along with having impressive martial arts skills.
Donatello.
Cracking a tiny smile, Donnie raced back to the lair to start his next experiment, idea already fresh in his mind, though his heart was still heavy as memories of his childhood dreams echoed through his depressed mind.