My newest attempt at a parody. Note: I do not own the show, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire", so don't sure me. (I don't have enough money for you to be happy anyway)
Find out what happens when a few kids from Hicksville, Nowhere take over the show.
Who Wants to Kill Regis?
"
"Jenn *******, from Hicksville, Nowhere. Keli *******, from Hicksville, Nowhere. Emily ******, from Hicksville Nowhere. Rachel ******, from Hicksville Nowhere…" Regis turns to his producers who are standing behind the set. "Are all these people from Hicksville, Nowhere?"
One of the guys looks down at his sheet. "Um, yeah. Keep going." Regis looks back down at his sheet.
"Karen *******, from Hicksville, Nowhere. John *******, Hicksville, Nowhere. Kassy, Hicksville, Nowhere. Justin, Hicksville, Nowhere. Hannah-Bowl, Hicksville, Nowhere. And Rachel *******, Hicksville, Nowhere. Gee, how does it feel being all from the same town?"
"Well, Regis," Jenn started, "It really sucks. What's worse, having more people than blades of grass, or the fact that the smartest people in the town are a buncha freshman highschool students?"
"I think the highschool part is…" Regis trailed off, then looked down at his sheet. "Now on to our fastest finger question." All the contestants got ready. "Put in order from biggest to smallest. A travel jet, a cat, an elephant, and a flea." The stupid dramatic music starts playing, and the contestants punch the buttons.
"Time's up. Now, let's see that order in the right order. And it was… a travel jet, an elephant, a cat, and a flea. Let's see who was fastest… And Kassy wins a first chance in the hotseat!!" The crowd starts cheering, and Kassy jumped up screaming in her whiny voice. She ran over to the hotseat, attempted to look graceful getting into the chair, and made it fall over. She spilled out of the chair, and hit the floor with a 'thud'. She twitched, then fell still.
"I think Kassy has just disqualified herself…" Regis muttered, looking down at the body. "Someone get her off the stage…" A few men came out with a stretcher and took Kassy away. "Now, I guess since Kassy decided the pressure of getting up into a damned chair was too hard, we'll have to move to the second fastest player. And that was… Justin. Justin, come on up to sit in the hotseat!"
Justin got up, pretty thrilled, but not exactly showing that. He gave the chair the crew was trying to upright a nervous glance, then turned to Regis. "Can I just stand?"
"No, sit in the damned chair…" Regis muttered, low enough so that only Justin and the contestants heard him. "It won't fall again, I promise." He said that in a laughy tone that basically hid the message that said, 'Get in the fucking chair before I blow your head off with the laser beams in my eyes.' Justin sat.
"Now, I hear that you're a highschool student, Justin. How's that?" Regis asked, making the stupid small talk that really annoys most of the people.
"I get by. The most I ever do there is read a computer game guide, and I still pull out with all A's."
"I hate you…" Regis muttered low enough for only a few to hear. Justin began trying to back away. Then, before he could, Regis began to ask the first question. "Justin, what is 1+1? A.) 3 B.) 1 C.) 2 or D.) 11"
"Gee, this is hard," Justin said sarcastically. "C.) 2."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, pretty sure that one plus one equals two…"
"So, is that your final answer?"
"What do you think?"
"I'm going with 'no,' so I'll give you come more time to think it over." The shit-ass music started up again, and Justin got this look across his face like he was going to kill Regis. Justin jumped down from the hotseat. "Where the hell do you think you're going? We're on live!" Regis shouted after the slowly walking away Justin.
"I'm going home. You're full of shit."
"You little fresh meat brat!!" Regis pulled out a gun and shot Justin in the arm. Justin stumbled, and kept walking until the audience could hear a loud *SLAM coming from towards the back of the building. "Okay, since our second contestant has walked out, we have to drag a third on. Keli, you're up!"
Keli got out of her seat, very slowly. She was moving with caution, and you could tell that she was scared out of her mind. This game show host had just pulled a gun on a contestant, what the hell was he going to do to her?
"Welcome to the show, Keli. I've noticed that you're sister is also a contestant on the show. What will you do if you win the money?"
"I think I'll go buy Justin a new arm…" she turned towards where Justin had walked off. There was a trail of blood leading towards the exit. Keli eyed the exit with hope.
Regis laughed at her remark, one at which she hadn't meant to be funny. Then, the questions started. "Okay, what is a key chain? A.) a ring that holds keys B.) a funnel C.) a type of soda or D.) a metal chain."
"My final answer is A."
"Alright," *Dramatic pause* "And you are correct for $100 dollars!"
A few minutes later…
"And you're one million dollar question is… How many oceans are there on the earth? A.) 1 B.)3 C.) 4 or D.) 10."
"I'm pretty sure that it's C.) 4."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yep."
"You've just won a million dollars!!!" The crowd goes wild. "So, here is your oversized, priceless, novelty check. The state of New York will be here in a few minutes to hand you your ten dollars."
"Wait a sec!! I thought it was a million!!"
"Yeah, it was. But the state imposed a new tax. Anyone who wins on this show can only win ten dollars because the questions are so easy. Doesn't it blow. Well, go buy a manga, or something with your ten bucks…" Regis trailed off as Keli started to turn red in anger.
"If you can only win ten fucking dollars, why the hell is the show called 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'"
"Because, would you watch a show called 'Who Wants to Win Ten Dollars?"
"No."
"See."
"Die." Keli pulled out a giant gun from under her baggy clothes, and sent a bomb to Regis. He was hit, and his skin pealed off.
"Hahahahahahahaha!!" The mechanical laughter sent a chill up everyone's spins. "You can't kill me! Don't you know that the network producers created a mechanical Philbin because of anger problems? I'm invincible!!" Just then, the crowd let up a chorus of 'Boooo's.
Keli grabbed the metal melted head, and twisted it off of the body, then chucked it against the wall. She ripped up the check and walked out the same way Justin had.
"And that's it for our show today. Watch tomorrow, when we'll have created another, more annoying Regis to do the show." The producers voice died away, and the camera panned up into the rafters in one of those sick, zoom in shots. The credits rolled across the screen as the contestants all walked out.
"I will kill you," Rachel muttered as she walked out.
~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*
Wha cha think? I wrote that in, like an hour. I was bored.