DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter. Or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Cassandra Claire wrote the Draco Trilogy, and I also didn't write So You Want to be a Wizard. No wonder I'm so poor…
Your name is Sarah Marie Shannon. You are a 4th year in Hogwarts, and are originally from America. Your family moved here when you were 10 1/2. You are about 5'5", have luscious brown hair, deep hazel eyes, and full, heaving A-Cups. And a little brother called Josh, whom everyone knows. You are in Gryffindor, and Josh is in Ravenclaw. But no one cares about Josh, he is just filler for me to put in to make me feel like I am a good writer. As though these insignificant little details will make my story any better in quality. Kind of like a Twinkie. By itself, it really isn't all that good, so then you add the cream filling, and it STILL isn't really all that good. You tell yourself it is, because you used to eat them when you are a kid, so you get nostalgic, but if you think about it, the cream filling doesn't actually make the Twinkie much better. So Josh is completely unimportant to the story, not really adding much of anything, like that damned filling. Or like this mini-tirade against Twinkies that you just read. Actually, Just turn back now. Seriously. If you actually truly enjoy the Harry Potter fanfic on here, just turn back. Ok, well, bye.
"Good morning, darling." You wake to find Harry's face gazing lovingly at you through his two-way mirror.
"Hello, love." you say back. As you get up and get dressed, you jokingly cover up the mirror so that Harry can't see you.
"No fair! It's not like I haven't seen it before!" You chuckly to yourself, finish getting dressed in a pair of super-tight blue sparkly jeans, brand new red Chuck Taylors, and a bright red spaghetti strap tank top. You bounce down the stairs, and trip at the bottom, only to be caught by your love, Harry. "Hello, doll", he says. "What do you say to ditching class today, to spend the day with me?" You giggle as he toys with your brown locks.
"Of course!" As if you could resist that offer, you think to yourself. As you two walk down to the Great Hall hand in hand, you see Ron and Hermione coming to meet you. "Morning!" says Hermione cheerfully. You and Harry fail to answer, as you are well on your way to the Forbidden Forest by then. Once you are out of eyeshot (and earshot) of the castle and Hagrid's hut, you immediately begin to shed your clothes. Harry rips up your tank top and gazes for a moment at your full, heaving A-cup breasts, before allowing you to remove his shirt and lay it on the ground. As you lay down, and he covers you, you suddenly feel a sharp jab in your side.
"Ow! What's that?"
"Oh, I think you know. I think you know very well." You groan at this.
"No, Harry, not THAT. Ooh! There it is again! OW!" By this time, Harry has already "taken" you, so your moans are beginning to cover you thoughts, due to Harry's vast experience with romance in previous novels. "Oh! Oh! Oh Harry! I love you so much!" "I love you too, Sarah. I want to marry you and. and. oooohhhh yyyeah." You let out one final "Oh, Harry!" as you reach your peak and your hearts beat in unison. "Oh, Gd, Harry. I love you so much! I want to marry you and bear your children. OW!" This final "OW!" wakes you suddenly, as you find yourself staring up at your roommates, all of whom are laughing hysterically.
"Oh, Harry!" they catcall at you, "Oh yes, Harry, yes!" they parrot what you must have been saying in your sleep, just like every night. This has been an ongoing thing. Well, maybe they should watch out! After all, you ARE a super-powerful witch who might get all black-eyed and veiny if someone pisses you off. Oh wait, no. That was Willow on Buffy. Sorry. Well, you can do really powerful magic with only your hand! Wait, damn. That was Draco Dormiens, by Cassandra Claire. Crap. Well, at least I have a special connection with nature, and can talk to things in super wizard speak. HELL! I KEEP GETTING ALL THESE OTHER STUPID MAGIC STORIES MIXED UP IN MY GENIUS FANFIC! WHAT DO I DO?
OK. Better now. Thanks. So, you get dressed in your normal Hogwarts uniform, but do put on you red Chucks, the only things you have to remind you of America. Before you go down to breakfast, you reach under your pillow and pull out your picture of Harry to kiss it, only to realize that the glass of the frame is broken. Well, that's what was poking you then. As you go down to breakfast, you pass Harry, Ron and Hermione in the halls. You start walking just a little bit slower in the hopes that one of them will say something to you. You start to match their pace, and the walk alongside you the entire way to the Great Hall. This is, without a doubt, the greatest moment in your Hogwarts history. At breakfast, you sit down near to the trio, hoping to be invited into the conversation. As you sit fantasizing about the deep conversations you will have, you hear
"Damn! Potions today!" and chime in, thinking this to be the perfect chance.
"Oh man, I know! I hate Snape!" There is an odd, uncomfortable silence, and then Harry smiles very tightly at you and nods quickly, going back to HIS conversation. "I mean, he totally favors Slytherins over Gryffindor!" you say. This time they stare at you a little bit longer, and then they sort of snicker, and again start talking amongst themselves. "But... But... This isn't how fanfics go!" you think to yourself. "I'm supposed to be extra-special, and fall in love with Harry, and have him fall in love with me! What's going on here? It must be His doing! He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Oh, I hate him!" You then begin screaming to yourself, and are carted off to the hospital ward, and later to St. Mungo's. "Tsk tsk," they all say. What a shame. One should never count on carbon-copy fanfic. It's bad for you. "