Author's Note: Well I've just seen 'Chosen' and no matter how much I loved
it (go Joss!) I was still extremely distressed at the lack of recognition
Anya's death got. Grrrr, didn't anyone even feel the need to cry over
her??? I know I did. Anyway, I should be getting onto the story now. It's
just after she died and Xander's trying to deal with it. he might getting a
little angry thought that's to be expected if you ask me. Which I just did.
Oh yeah. angst isn't really my thing so hmmm watch out. And *** means flash
back cos I don't know how to get italics on fanfic.
Disclaimer: Joss owns it all though sometimes he doesn't deserve it *cough* Anya *cough*. And Mutant Enemy too. grrr argh.
Dedication: To Anya!!! And Rosie for letting me weep on her shoulder during the traumatic first watching of 'Chosen'. Not that I did, but the offer was still there, heheheheh.
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"She was incredible. She died saving my life."
"That's my girl, always doing the stupid thing."
Xander nodded and patted Andrew on the back, smiling as though he was happy she had died a hero, had died for Andrew. In all honesty, what did it matter if Andrew was still alive? If anyone was still alive when she wasn't? He slowly turned away from Andrew, hating him and the news he'd just delivered. There were tears in his eyes that he couldn't let fall. He had to be strong, to pretend that he was happy they'd survived. There it was again, that word - happy. How easily everyone seemed to just it throw around as if it was something you could take for granted.
Xander walked to where the others were standing, staring at the crater that was his home. The one place he'd known all his life. Even longer than he'd known Willow. The place where her body was now. Did she even have a body? Had the uber-vamps destroyed it with their sharpened teeth and disgusting claws? Had the Bringers sliced it open again and again, until it was little more than pieces of meat, ready to be roasted on a skewer? Or had it simply been blown apart with whatever had destroyed Sunnydale?
They were all talking and laughing - 'yay, we can go shopping tomorrow' 'can we push Giles in?' - Idle comments about death and retail therapy. Didn't they wonder where she was? Xander heard himself join in the joking and even laugh out loud, but it was like he was two different people. No on even noticed that she wasn't there, that there was a huge, gaping hole in the middle of their group and his heart. Buffy was smiling, thinking about life without responsibilities. Xander was thinking about life without her. without part of himself. The minutes ticked by and the group grew happier, suddenly realizing that they had won and there would be no fighting left for any of them. They had their whole carefree lives in front of them. But she didn't.
They piled back onto the garishly bright school bus and Xander didn't say a word. Didn't look to Willow for comfort. The one who'd been his best friend for all these years and he couldn't even confide in her. Not that she seemed to notice him. She was too wrapped up in herself. Not really in a selfish way, he could never begrudge Will any bit of bliss, even if it was the ignorant kind. But perhaps this was the selective ignorant kind; she didn't want to know what had happened. Kennedy was whispering something in her ear and playing with her hair. Willow blushed slightly and leant over to kiss her girlfriend. They kept on murmuring to each other, oblivious to everyone else. Willow's face was lit up with joy and Xander knew that every few minutes she would be remembering the success of her spell and letting a new wave of elation wash over her.
Giles, his father figure wasn't doing much better with the whole support thing. He was bumbling around, trying to gather as much information as possible on what had happened during the fight. He would be logging it into his meticulous and already data filled brain. He'd probably write a book about it, and then catalogue it in his own library. Xander knew it was the Watcher coming out in him, his true nature, but yet he didn't understand why she could be so forgotten. Giles was her employer, and Xander knew how much she'd looked up to him, despite the fact she was more than a millennia older. Giles was the source of her money, and thus some of her great happiness in life.
Dawn and Buffy were in deep conversation. Buffy was crying through her smile, but her eyes were still gleeful and her head held up high. Xander had guessed by the absence of Spike that he'd been the one to end it all. To save everyone. Every now and then someone would make there way over to Buffy, pat her on the back and tell her how great Spike had been. How they'd known all along he would do something like this. Wow, so Captain Peroxide was a hero, a champion. But he hadn't saved her. He'd let Xander's champion die.
And suddenly he was crying. The tears spilling down his face, between the lines and battles scars, over the stubble that came without shaving for several days and soaking his clothes. He hadn't realized how much you could cry with only one eye. They were silent tears and his body wasn't wracked with grief - just his insides. His heart seemed to be pouring down his face, escaping his body and taking her with it. Xander let his head rest on the bus window as they drove, being knocked again and again as they rounded the bends and drove over bumps. He didn't notice, and it didn't matter anyway. That pain was nothing compared with his heart.
*** "Oh poor baby, let me help you with that. Some strong scotch will help. I put some on you, and then I take a swig myself and swear. I've seen it in movies. Wait, don't go anywhere while I get it." And she'd run off to hunt through the medicine cabinet. Xander laughed to himself through the pain. Where we he go with a huge gash on his leg? Another tussle with a demon and he was hurt again, seemed to happy every other day. Oh well, Anya would patch him up, she was good like that. Okay, sometimes she was a little scary with the scotch drinking, and she tended to bandage things a little too hard, kind of cutting off the circulation. But then she'd kiss him all over, making sure he felt better in every single part of his body. ***
He was brought back from the memory with a jolt. She would never do that again, he would never giggle hysterically as she commenced her kissing ritual, starting with the backs of his knees where he was most ticklish, or laugh as she swore loudly after taking a swig of scotch, or even yelp when she methodically tightened his bandages painfully tight. He would never see her face again. Never see it being lit up with pride when she made a particularly difficult sale, or that little smile that only he saw, that look of fear in her eyes when Bug's Bunny came on tv without warning and the way she clutched his arm with her nails until he turned it off and her face, so calm and smooth while she slept next to him, warm and safe in his arms. Could he still remember her face? It had only been a few hours since he last saw her but it was already fading. Everything he'd owned had been destroyed.
Xander frantically pulled out his wallet and tossed out the contents, desperately trying to locate something. He found it. A roll of pictures they'd taken in one of those little booths on the pier. They looked so happy together - laughing, pulling faces, kissing in each different shot. There was one where they were both just staring at each other, looking deep into the other's eyes. That was how he'd remember her, joyful and with him. A tear splashed onto a shot of them sticking their tongues out, but once again, Xander didn't notice. He sat there for ages, just looking at the photos, but the crying refused to cease. Until -
"Xander." He looked up startled as he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay? I mean, obviously you're not but um, I just wondered. do you um. I don't know. I've got some cookies I saved just in case the girls wanted some if they survived. They're chocolate chip. Um, well Mr. Giles, uh he helped make them so um, I don't know if you want one. I, just, just thought maybe." He trailed off, seeing no reaction from Xander. He was nervous, he didn't know what to say to someone who'd seemingly lost everything.
"Look, I know nobody's checked on you. I saw, but they do care. Just before she. she went, she yelled 'Tell Xander I'll kick his arse if he dies!' she. wasn't scared. Well she was, but I don't know if she was scared about, um going or about bunnies. I, I'm sorry. I should have helped. It should have been me. I -"
But Xander stopped him. Andrew looked a little relieved; he had no idea what to say next. Xander thought he should be shocked that the only one to mention her would be this little geek, but he really wasn't. They'd been friends, she'd cared about him. Andrew had even understood what she'd gone through, in his own nerdy referencing way. He'd probably compared it to some comic book disaster relationship and tried to help her laugh it off. Her last minutes on Earth had been with Andrew, and she'd died to save him. That meant only one thing. Xander would have to take him under his wing, smarten him up a little, and perhaps help him become less of an annoying virgin. For her sake.
"Thanks Andrew, you know, I think I'll be alright. I'll get a pet rabbit; name it after her or something." He was joking, and the tears had stopped for the first time. "I always told her she should overcome her fear. I'd tell her, I'd say 'Ahn, you've gotta stop with the bunnies or I'll buy you one.' Now I will, but she won't be here." The dagger was back in his heart, twisting round and round but it was just a little less painful than before. Again, he glanced at the photo and everything else fell away. "Anya, I love you. Not pet bunny you, real you. Wait for me, cos I'll never forget you. Never, Anya Harris, never."
Disclaimer: Joss owns it all though sometimes he doesn't deserve it *cough* Anya *cough*. And Mutant Enemy too. grrr argh.
Dedication: To Anya!!! And Rosie for letting me weep on her shoulder during the traumatic first watching of 'Chosen'. Not that I did, but the offer was still there, heheheheh.
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"She was incredible. She died saving my life."
"That's my girl, always doing the stupid thing."
Xander nodded and patted Andrew on the back, smiling as though he was happy she had died a hero, had died for Andrew. In all honesty, what did it matter if Andrew was still alive? If anyone was still alive when she wasn't? He slowly turned away from Andrew, hating him and the news he'd just delivered. There were tears in his eyes that he couldn't let fall. He had to be strong, to pretend that he was happy they'd survived. There it was again, that word - happy. How easily everyone seemed to just it throw around as if it was something you could take for granted.
Xander walked to where the others were standing, staring at the crater that was his home. The one place he'd known all his life. Even longer than he'd known Willow. The place where her body was now. Did she even have a body? Had the uber-vamps destroyed it with their sharpened teeth and disgusting claws? Had the Bringers sliced it open again and again, until it was little more than pieces of meat, ready to be roasted on a skewer? Or had it simply been blown apart with whatever had destroyed Sunnydale?
They were all talking and laughing - 'yay, we can go shopping tomorrow' 'can we push Giles in?' - Idle comments about death and retail therapy. Didn't they wonder where she was? Xander heard himself join in the joking and even laugh out loud, but it was like he was two different people. No on even noticed that she wasn't there, that there was a huge, gaping hole in the middle of their group and his heart. Buffy was smiling, thinking about life without responsibilities. Xander was thinking about life without her. without part of himself. The minutes ticked by and the group grew happier, suddenly realizing that they had won and there would be no fighting left for any of them. They had their whole carefree lives in front of them. But she didn't.
They piled back onto the garishly bright school bus and Xander didn't say a word. Didn't look to Willow for comfort. The one who'd been his best friend for all these years and he couldn't even confide in her. Not that she seemed to notice him. She was too wrapped up in herself. Not really in a selfish way, he could never begrudge Will any bit of bliss, even if it was the ignorant kind. But perhaps this was the selective ignorant kind; she didn't want to know what had happened. Kennedy was whispering something in her ear and playing with her hair. Willow blushed slightly and leant over to kiss her girlfriend. They kept on murmuring to each other, oblivious to everyone else. Willow's face was lit up with joy and Xander knew that every few minutes she would be remembering the success of her spell and letting a new wave of elation wash over her.
Giles, his father figure wasn't doing much better with the whole support thing. He was bumbling around, trying to gather as much information as possible on what had happened during the fight. He would be logging it into his meticulous and already data filled brain. He'd probably write a book about it, and then catalogue it in his own library. Xander knew it was the Watcher coming out in him, his true nature, but yet he didn't understand why she could be so forgotten. Giles was her employer, and Xander knew how much she'd looked up to him, despite the fact she was more than a millennia older. Giles was the source of her money, and thus some of her great happiness in life.
Dawn and Buffy were in deep conversation. Buffy was crying through her smile, but her eyes were still gleeful and her head held up high. Xander had guessed by the absence of Spike that he'd been the one to end it all. To save everyone. Every now and then someone would make there way over to Buffy, pat her on the back and tell her how great Spike had been. How they'd known all along he would do something like this. Wow, so Captain Peroxide was a hero, a champion. But he hadn't saved her. He'd let Xander's champion die.
And suddenly he was crying. The tears spilling down his face, between the lines and battles scars, over the stubble that came without shaving for several days and soaking his clothes. He hadn't realized how much you could cry with only one eye. They were silent tears and his body wasn't wracked with grief - just his insides. His heart seemed to be pouring down his face, escaping his body and taking her with it. Xander let his head rest on the bus window as they drove, being knocked again and again as they rounded the bends and drove over bumps. He didn't notice, and it didn't matter anyway. That pain was nothing compared with his heart.
*** "Oh poor baby, let me help you with that. Some strong scotch will help. I put some on you, and then I take a swig myself and swear. I've seen it in movies. Wait, don't go anywhere while I get it." And she'd run off to hunt through the medicine cabinet. Xander laughed to himself through the pain. Where we he go with a huge gash on his leg? Another tussle with a demon and he was hurt again, seemed to happy every other day. Oh well, Anya would patch him up, she was good like that. Okay, sometimes she was a little scary with the scotch drinking, and she tended to bandage things a little too hard, kind of cutting off the circulation. But then she'd kiss him all over, making sure he felt better in every single part of his body. ***
He was brought back from the memory with a jolt. She would never do that again, he would never giggle hysterically as she commenced her kissing ritual, starting with the backs of his knees where he was most ticklish, or laugh as she swore loudly after taking a swig of scotch, or even yelp when she methodically tightened his bandages painfully tight. He would never see her face again. Never see it being lit up with pride when she made a particularly difficult sale, or that little smile that only he saw, that look of fear in her eyes when Bug's Bunny came on tv without warning and the way she clutched his arm with her nails until he turned it off and her face, so calm and smooth while she slept next to him, warm and safe in his arms. Could he still remember her face? It had only been a few hours since he last saw her but it was already fading. Everything he'd owned had been destroyed.
Xander frantically pulled out his wallet and tossed out the contents, desperately trying to locate something. He found it. A roll of pictures they'd taken in one of those little booths on the pier. They looked so happy together - laughing, pulling faces, kissing in each different shot. There was one where they were both just staring at each other, looking deep into the other's eyes. That was how he'd remember her, joyful and with him. A tear splashed onto a shot of them sticking their tongues out, but once again, Xander didn't notice. He sat there for ages, just looking at the photos, but the crying refused to cease. Until -
"Xander." He looked up startled as he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay? I mean, obviously you're not but um, I just wondered. do you um. I don't know. I've got some cookies I saved just in case the girls wanted some if they survived. They're chocolate chip. Um, well Mr. Giles, uh he helped make them so um, I don't know if you want one. I, just, just thought maybe." He trailed off, seeing no reaction from Xander. He was nervous, he didn't know what to say to someone who'd seemingly lost everything.
"Look, I know nobody's checked on you. I saw, but they do care. Just before she. she went, she yelled 'Tell Xander I'll kick his arse if he dies!' she. wasn't scared. Well she was, but I don't know if she was scared about, um going or about bunnies. I, I'm sorry. I should have helped. It should have been me. I -"
But Xander stopped him. Andrew looked a little relieved; he had no idea what to say next. Xander thought he should be shocked that the only one to mention her would be this little geek, but he really wasn't. They'd been friends, she'd cared about him. Andrew had even understood what she'd gone through, in his own nerdy referencing way. He'd probably compared it to some comic book disaster relationship and tried to help her laugh it off. Her last minutes on Earth had been with Andrew, and she'd died to save him. That meant only one thing. Xander would have to take him under his wing, smarten him up a little, and perhaps help him become less of an annoying virgin. For her sake.
"Thanks Andrew, you know, I think I'll be alright. I'll get a pet rabbit; name it after her or something." He was joking, and the tears had stopped for the first time. "I always told her she should overcome her fear. I'd tell her, I'd say 'Ahn, you've gotta stop with the bunnies or I'll buy you one.' Now I will, but she won't be here." The dagger was back in his heart, twisting round and round but it was just a little less painful than before. Again, he glanced at the photo and everything else fell away. "Anya, I love you. Not pet bunny you, real you. Wait for me, cos I'll never forget you. Never, Anya Harris, never."