Kissing Competition…Shh, Don't Tell Hiccup
Takes place directly after Brothers. This is purely a fun little crack fic.
It was Snotlout's fault…or at least he would take claim of coming up with the competition when in reality it was Tuffnut who first thought of it no matter how briefly or jokingly it had been. After the teen all bore witness to Dagur kissing Hiccup and taunting Astrid about what a real kiss meant they all wondered why Hiccup had not pushed the older boy away or even protested. He just had this silly little smile for a few seconds before shaking it off after the kissing competition joke and declaring there would be no such thing. Yeah, sure they wouldn't. But none of the Berk teens were brave enough to even attempt such a competition while on Berserker Island with Dagur the Deranged close enough to take the head of anyone who tried kissing his Hiccup, with the exception of Astrid oddly enough but that might have been because Hiccup said something to him. So they waited.
Oh and how hard that was. Snotlout was never one for patience. When he had his mind set on something he wanted to do it right away and the twins were much the same. So while they waited the bets only grew as did Astrid's temper.
"Are you guys seriously betting over who can gain Hiccup's affections?" she demanded, her arms folded over his chest as she glared at Snotlout and the twins. "Are you three insane?"
Snotlout shrugged. "What? Are you afraid he'll choice one of us over you? Aw…don't worry, I'm sure you and I can work something out."
"Ew…" gagged Ruffnut but she quickly grinned when a rock pinged off the dark haired boy's helmet. "Besides, Hiccup would much rather have two girls than you any day, Snot."
"I know I would," Tuffnut agreed.
This time both girls gagged.
"I think I vomited in my mouth," Astrid moaned as she covered her mouth and looked away.
Fishlegs rubbed the back of his neck. "Ahm…don't you think Hiccup might be mad that we're following through with this competition?" he asked as he fidgeted from one foot to another nervously. "And what if Dagur finds out, he'll kill us or worse…"
"You're thinking of that rotten codfish sliding down the back of your throat again, aren't you?" Snotlout teased with a big grin.
The heavy set boy immediately covered his mouth and fought not to gag. "No…"
The other two boys just laughed at him.
Ruffnut stepped up and looked at her brother and Snotlout with the most serious expression either had ever seen. "So what are the terms of this little competition?" she asked.
"Ruffnut!" Astrid gasped appalled that the other girl would think of participating in such a thing. Of course none of them paid her any mind and she ended up throwing up her arms in annoyance before leaning against Stormfly and listening to the terms of this crazy plan they had hatched.
"It's simple," Snotlout began with a smug grin at Astrid. "Find Hiccup and kiss him."
"Some competition," Tuffnut groaned with a roll of his eyes.
"I'm not done," Snotlout snapped, shoving the thin blonde only to be shoved back. "Let me finish. Geez. Okay, that's the easy part but you can't let him know that's what you're going to do. It has to be a complete surprise and it has to last more than five seconds and he has to kiss you back."
"Wait, and who is supposed to judge if it's been five seconds or if he kisses back?" Astrid countered with a smug smile. "If you're planning to tag team him I think he'll figure it out pretty fast."
Snotlout's face dropped. "I didn't think or that."
"How about one person hides while the other kisses him?" Fishlegs offered.
"Fishlegs!" Astrid reprimanded, surprised that he would come up with such a thought when he was afraid of what Dagur might do to them.
He shrugged. "Sorry."
"That's a perfect idea!" Snotlout declared as the twins nodded enthusiastically.
Astrid threw her arms up in defeat. "Find, knock yourselves out but it isn't going to work. He's already got his heart set on someone." She turned away and began heading to the Great Hall for dinner.
Snotlout burst into laughter. "Yeah, on Dagur!"
Astrid's shoulders tensed and she gave a grunt before storming away with even more purpose than before. Oh that boy was going to suffer later. Hell, they all were once she thought of an equally embarrassing for all four of them. But she was kind of curious to see how their little competition went.
So that was how the strangest night of Hiccup's young life began. He had been sitting on his front steps oiling Toothless's saddle when Ruffnut sauntered up to him without Tuffnut. He should have known something was up right then and there. Ruffnut never went anywhere without Tuffnut and vice versa. The twins were practically attached at the hip and when they were separated it was never for long so when she sat next to him Hiccup couldn't help but give her a shy smile.
"Hey," he said in way of greeting. Neither of the twins liked talking much so an actual conversation was usually out but this time Ruffnut surprised him.
"What are you doing?" she asked, looking over the saddle with interest. She ran one long finger over the moist leather before rubbing her thumb over that finger with a tiny sensual smile that made Hiccup pause what he was doing to stare at her.
He quickly dismissed the odd behavior as Ruffnut just being odd without her other half and began working the leather. "Just cleaning Tooth's saddle. It got a little damaged in the battle with the Outcasts. Not too bad but if I don't oil it and…what are you doing?" he asked as she pulled the saddle from his hands and set it aside. Then before he knew it she was in his lap. "Uh…Ruff?"
"Shh…" she whispered, placing that oiled finger against his lips.
His eyes grew wide when all of a sudden she was kissing him, open mouth just as Dagur did. He froze. He felt like a sheep about to be eaten by a Monstrous Nightmare. It took a moment or two for his mind to start working again and the moment it did he grabbed her arms and pushed her away from him until her lips were no longer touching his.
"Ah…what…what was that about?" he asked, completely perplexed by the sudden kiss and show of affection.
She frowned at him for a moment and then shrugged. Before he got an answer she had jumped off his lap, gave him a sassy smile and took off running. Hiccup only stared after her utterly confused and wondering if he had somehow hit his head and dreamed the whole encountered.
The next encounter was even more confusing and perhaps the scariest thing he ever had to deal with and prayed never ever to have to experience again. His dad needed fresh water to brew his nightly drink and since Hiccup wanted to go for a nightly fly with Toothless he offered to go fetch the water first. He was just pulling the bucket up when Snotlout suddenly appeared. That was nothing unusual; it was one of the two town wells and the closest to both their houses. Snotlout didn't say anything at first which again was nothing unusual. They may be cousins but they really had very little in common except for the dragons and were never very close. More or less they had been raised as rivals and still felt the need to compete again each other. Hiccup didn't hate Snotlout, he did feel a certain amount of love for his cousin but that was all it was, the love for a family member that he wasn't particularly close to or fond of. So imagine his surprise when all of a sudden said cousin grabbed his shoulder, yanked him close and planted a rather sloppy kiss on his lips.
This time shock didn't make Hiccup immobile. He jerked back with a horrified gasp and began wiping at his mouth as if he had just tasted the most horrid thing imaginable. He grabbed the bucket of water and took a mouthful before spitting it out and taking another to rinse out his mouth.
"What the hell?" he demanded once he was sure there was no trace of Snotlout's saliva left on or in his mouth.
"It wasn't that bad!" Snotlout grumbled with a frown.
"What? Snotlout have you lost what little of your mind you have left?" Hiccup all but yelled, his arms waving about in his distress. "I…what…er…what if I was the one who turned around and kissed you out of the blue?"
For a moment Snotlout just stared at him, as if really considering his words and then the next thing Hiccup knew the older boy was gagging and reaching for the water to rinse out his mouth. It was actually kind of funny and insulting at the same time. Whatever the case or the reason for his cousin's strange behavior Hiccup didn't care or want to know. He left the bucket at the well and hurried home.
"Jorgensons are insane!" he yelled when his father questioned him about the water.
Stoick only raised a bushy brow as Hiccup stomped up to his room. "Don't I know it," he murmured with a shake of his head as he got up to fetch the water himself. He had no idea what had happened but when it came to the Jorgenson clan it was probably nothing good.
Hiccup was just calming down when he was ambushed by Tuffnut but by now he had a funny feeling he knew what was going on and managed to dodge the other boy. When Tuffnut tried for a second time – it turned into a little scuffle and they were rolling around on the ground just outside Toothless's barn – Hiccup grabbed him by the hair at the back of his head and yanked his head back.
"Kiss me and I'll let Astrid and Dagur take turns ripping you apart," Hiccup snarled, more angry than surprised by the attempt. "Now what the hell is going on? First your sister, then Snotlout and now you? This is that stupid competition you guys started back on Berserker Island isn't it?"
"No…maybe," Tuffnut argued as he tried to free his hair. "Ow…alright, alright. I give, now let go."
Slowly Hiccup untangled his fingers from all that hair, his eyes never leaving Tuffnut's just in case the tall blonde tried anything. He finally relaxed when it looked as if Tuff might actually get off him but just as his hand came free the other boy pounced. Before Hiccup could even turn his head Tuffnut had pressed his lips against Hiccup's. It lasted only a few seconds and wasn't nearly as horrid as Snotlout's or as smooth as Ruffnut's but it still felt wrong. Hiccup didn't think, he only reacted and flipped the boy off him before rolling onto his feet and punching him in the nose.
"I don't know what you guys are up to but you better knock it off before I have Toothless plasma blast all your asses from here to Valhalla!" he warned, his hands balled into fists as he wiped his mouth with the one sleeve.
The taller boy only stared at him, utterly confused as he held his bleeding nose. Then his face fell and he ran the other way.
Hiccup's brows rose in surprise and he stood, watching the other boy run away and be joined by his sister and a rather surprised Snotlout. Hiccup glared at all of them before taking several deep calming breaths and stared at his bloody knuckles. He had actually punched Tuffnut. Sure the kid was crazy but he was one of his friends. His shoulders fell. He shouldn't have lashed out like that. Now Tuffnut was sure to hate him. But why were they kissing him? Whose bone brain idea was it? He could wager a few guesses but he needed answers and going by the three or of five riders who had already kissed him he knew just who to get those answers from.
Fishlegs wasn't hard to find. He was probably the worst of all the riders for babying his dragon and as Hiccup expected he was in his barn singing Meatlug a lullaby before bed. Hiccup snuck into the barn, waited only a few moments to get the layout memorized before closing the doors hard enough to cause a strong enough breeze to blow out the candle sitting on the ledge next to the large boy. Sure enough Fishlegs gave a cry.
"Who's there?" he called out, his arms reaching out for the ledge. "Meatlug, lava blast!"
"Meatlug, don't," Hiccup countered as a glow appeared from the Gronkle's mouth.
The dragon swallowed the blast back before lumbering over to Hiccup for a pet.
"Hiccup?" Fishlegs asked as he followed his beloved pet, one hand on her bumpy backside. "Why'd you turn out the light? You know I'm afraid of the dark."
"I know," Hiccup agreed with a nod but realizing his friend couldn't see it he stopped and sighed. "Look, I know you know what's going on with the others so spill it."
"I don't know what you're talking about. Iggy, give Daddy some light."
"Iggy, come here," Hiccup countered, calling Fishlegs's second dragon to him as well.
Fishlegs gave a huff. "That's not fair! All the dragons listen to you. Can we please have some light?"
"Then tell me what's going on."
For several long seconds silence prevailed before Fishlegs finally gave up and began babbling about the whole kissing competition and how the others wanted to prove just who Hiccup was more into and so forth and so on. By the time he was done Hiccup had a pounding headache and was massaging his temples.
"And what does the winner get?" he finally asked.
"Oh…" Fishlegs suddenly said, his voice sounding rather embarrassed. "Uh…well you see we never really got that far on the planning stage. Astrid kind of blew up at us and well after that it was just a matter of you know…seeing who'd you kiss back, although I think Ruffnut came the closest so far. I mean she sat in your lap!"
Hiccup face palmed. "Brilliant plan," he grumbled. "Meatlug, lava blast. And no 'Legs, Ruff wasn't even – FISHLEGS!"
The moment Meatlug lit the small fire pit in the center of the barn Fishlegs swooped in and gave him a little peck on the lips before giggling and dashing off. "Sorry, had to!" he yelled over his shoulder as he ran into town.
The young heir of the Hooligan tribe just glared after him as Meatlug nuzzled his hip and Iggy sat on his shoulder. His eyes narrowed. Alright, enough was enough. If this was some sort of kissing competition then it was time to make things interesting. He just wondered if he was going to be able to handle the beating he was about to take in order to finally prove his point. Too bad Dagur wasn't around to help him out but he still had one ally left.
Hiccup waited until morning before making his move – one he was sure to be painful and likely get his ass kicked for the rest of his life but it was sure to keep the rest of his friends from ever trying to kiss him again, at least he hoped. He squared his shoulders as he entered the Great Hall with Toothless for breakfast. For a moment he was tempted to go to the table he used to sit at before finally gaining friends but he fought back that urge and sat next to Astrid as he usually did and began digging into his food or more precisely poked out it as he tried to gather his courage. No one talked or looked at one another. Everyone seemed rather nervous and uncomfortable.
It didn't exactly go as planned Hiccup just sort of began bumping his metal foot gently against Astrid's right foot. He didn't even realize he was doing it at first until she gave him a confused look. He stopped and bit his lower lip. "So…" he began before pressing his lips together and bunching his brows, suddenly losing the courage to do what he was going to.
"So?" Astrid asked, looking just as lost as him.
Everyone looked up, each obviously expecting the worse only to have Hiccup nervously look at his hands before finally swallowing the lump in his throat, turning in his chair and diving in to give Astrid a kiss. He was still new to this whole kissing business and while he doubted he was really any good at it he knew he had to be better than any of the others. He pulled back quickly, terrified that the girl would surely knock him senseless for doing such a thing but to his relief she only blinked and stared at him.
"That wasn't five seconds," Snotlout announced much to Hiccup's annoyance.
Hiccup glared at his cousin but to his surprise rather than hitting him Astrid locked a hand behind his head and pulled him close until their lips were only a breath away and then nothing at all separated them. It was a slow sensual kiss with far more meaning than any of their previous kisses and very much like the ones he had shared with Dagur. Hiccup leaned in it, needing and wanting more. It was life breathing the sweetest air imaginable but it broke far too soon and he was left breathless and longing for just one more.
"I'm pretty sure that went way beyond five seconds," Fishlegs noted, his jaw hanging open slightly.
The twins just leered and grinned dopey grins while Snotlout gave Hiccup a dark glare before it broke into a tiny smile and a little thumbs up. Surprised, Hiccup smiled back.
"So I win then," Astrid announced. "And you four are going to have so much fun cleaning Stormfly's stall for the next month."
"We never agreed to that!" Tuffnut yelled.
"Yeah, we never agreed on anything," Ruffnut threw in.
"Uhm…guys, who's going to tell Dagur about you two?" Fishlegs asked.
Snotlout nodded with a sick grin. "Yeah, he's not exactly the sharing type."
The four of them began bickering over what to do and who was going to be the one to brave talking to Dagur or clean Stormfly's stall and why they had to and so forth and so on while Astrid laughed and teased them, giving pointers on exactly how her dragon liked her stall. Hiccup only shook his head at their antics. He reached under the table and took her hand, squeezing it lightly as he slowly ate his food. As annoying as some of the kids were they were still his friends and he had come to love them all very dearly…even if he did want to bop them in the nose from time to time – he would have to apologize to Tuffnut later – and while they could be completely annoying and rather bothersome at times he would never trade them for anyone else in the world. Although he would have to find a way to fit Dagur into the mix. Of course he had no idea the Berserker chief would take to him kissing someone other than him but that was a problem – and probably another weird competition – he would deal with at another time.
The End