Author Note – Thanks to Ragdolly for the name, it fits perfectly. Please read and review. Or if you're shy send me a PM to tell me what you think.
Disclaimer – I don't own Law and Order: Special Victims Unit or any of the characters, just borrowing.
Duty
'Character is doing what you don't want to do but know you should do' - Joyce Meyer
The doctor clears him on Wednesday and he's back to work early Thursday morning. Kathy asked him to stay home for the weekend but he had to get out of the house. He's never been good at sitting still and he welcomed Eli's teething because it gave him an excuse to pace the house whenever he got antsy.
His partner's empty desk is the first thing he notices. Then the empty squad. Not exactly the scene he expected but then he realises the time. Six thirty am. He grimaces. He double-checks the squad for any of his team, he doesn't want to field awkward questions over his apparent eagerness. He doesn't want to explain how useless he feels at him, how he feels more at home at the precinct than the house he shares with his wife and kids.
Backing out of the bullpen he heads to the locker room. Elliot opens his locker and changes into his gym gear quickly. The twinge in his shoulder reminds him weights are off limits, but that doesn't mean he can't go on the treadmill. It's not nearly as satisfying as weights or a punching bag but it'll give him something to do till the rest of the team arrive.
He pushes through the door to the gym only to stop when he sees Olivia on the exercise bike. At the sound of the opening door she looks over her shoulder. Her legs stop moving on the pedals and she straightens her back.
"Hi," she smiles. "I didn't know you were coming back today."
"I called Cragen late yesterday but you were out on a call with Munch," Elliot dismisses. "You're early."
She mocks him with a pointed look. He returns it, glad she's not questioning his health and whether he should be back. "I'm not the only one. You must've been bored," Olivia teases and half turns on the seat to face him properly.
"No, I wasn't," he argues lightly and smiles when she laughs.
"It's why I hate stakeouts with you; you can't sit still."
"Like you're one to talk," he retorts with a laugh. "Why are you here so early anyway?"
He waits for her eyes to cloud over, wonders if the call out yesterday was bad. He's not too concerned. This isn't her usual method of coping after a tough case.
"I couldn't sleep," she shrugs off his concern and slips from the bike. She doesn't brush past him or avoid eye contact. He accepts it because it's not her tried and true 'I'm fine' response. Her eyes drift over his vest and strap that half covers one of the wounds. "They've healed."
"Yeah," Elliot agrees. He looks down at the scar and remembers her presence that night. "Could've been both of us."
"It wasn't," Olivia argues. She moves over to the water cooler in the corner and pours herself a cup.
"You shouldn't have done it," he says evenly as he follows and stops a few feet in front of her.
"They were going to find me anyway Elliot." She takes a sip.
"They could've killed you."
"And it wouldn't have been your fault."
"But you didn't need to take your shirt off and pretend to be a prostitute."
Olivia rolls her eyes and throws her cup in the trash can before walking out of the gym to the locker room. "They saw more of you than they did of me. You were shielding me as much as you could, like I knew you would."
"That's not the point."
"They would've killed us if they found me with my badge so I hid it in my rolled up shirt. It didn't work because they still shot you," her disappointed tone cuts through him and he finally accepts her explanation with a bob of his head.
He watches her rummage through her locker for her wash bag and towel. He hates how she plays of threats to her personal safety. She shouldn't have been there to begin with, she shouldn't have to play messenger between him and his wife.
"That's not all I wanted to talk to you about." He takes a deep breath. "Thanks for going to Kathy but you didn't have to. It's not your problem."
She pauses, her hands still in the locker as she glances over her shoulder at him and pins him with a fierce look. "It is when she calls me because you won't answer your phone," she argues stepping towards him.
Elliot looks away and shakes his head, angrier at himself than his wife or his partner. He's caused this situation, not them. It's his fault and he can't blame them for how they try to deal with it. He's supposed to be apologising for dragging her into this. "She shouldn't have, but if she does it again just let her go."
"Elliot?" Olivia asks softly. She drops her stuff in the locker and takes a step toward him.
"Liv, I can't go through that again," he admits. There's a pain in his chest as he pushes the words out. He doesn't want to admit this to anyone, including himself. She deserves an explanation because she's been through this with him before. He wants to pace the tiny locker room but his feet are rooted to the floor.
"But I thought you worked things out."
"We tried," Elliot replies. They didn't, not really, they got caught up in glossing over the cracks when Kathy found out she was pregnant with Eli. And they've spent the last eighteen months pretending their separation never happened. It was only a matter of time before they, he, messed up again. "but we can't keep doing this. Kathy looks for any reason and I…" he shakes his head.
"You what?" she prompts stepping forward, her voice gentler. Comforting.
He contemplates her, his face expressionless. He won't shift the blame onto Kathy and tell Olivia his wife hasn't forgiven him for how he treated their daughter a few months ago, even though Kathleen understands and they're trying to rebuild their relationship. He can't tell Olivia he was distancing himself before Kathleen was diagnosed because she'll ask why and he can't explain it, he doesn't know why. He finally blinks and looks away quickly before speaking, his own voice lowering. "If she wants to go, just let her."
"Last time…" she starts to protest.
"I was angry and I took it out on everyone. I can't say I won't be angry if it happens again but I won't fight her on it. It's my problem, not yours."
"You need your kids," she argues again, her own voice catching. Her eyes sheen over as she struggles to accept what he's telling her.
"I'll still have them," he promises as he impulsively captures her fingers in his own. She curls hers tightly around his. It feels right and wrong at the same time. "But it's only a matter of time till Kathy leaves."
"Have you talked to her?"
He sighs and she rolls her eyes, she knows him better than that. He and Kathy only talk about the kids. He tried to apologise when he finally got home after Bushido was processed but she didn't want to hear it so he gave up and helped with the baby.
"She's not interested in talking and I can't keep making promises we both know I can't follow through on."
"If you feel this way, why wait till she leaves? You could."
"I can't be the one who walks away," he grinds out. "I love my family, but I can't decide who's more important, them or the victims."
"I've known you a long time Elliot and I know you need the stability of your family to keep you focused on helping the victims."
"I'm not giving up on my kids Liv," Elliot promises.
"You never would," she squeezes his fingers. "Like you said, it hasn't happened yet, there's a chance it won't."
Her forced optimism falls flat with both of them. It hasn't happened. Yet. He hates dwelling on this, hates burdening her with this, hates that she accepts that burden because she's his partner. He wants to thank her for everything she's done for him and his family but words aren't enough.
"Yeah," he agrees, dropping her hand.
Olivia waits for him to say something else. He doesn't. He knows she won't hold it against him, he's knows he's surprised her by revealing as much as he has. He's surprised himself too. He looks to the floor only to lift his head when he feels her hand on his good shoulder. He meets her warm gaze and pats it gently before returning to her locker to grab her wash bag. He watches her retreat to the showers.
A sense of responsibility has been drummed into him since he was child. First it was his father who taught him how to make difficult decisions for his family. Then it was his religion which pushed him to propose to his pregnant girlfriend. After that, it was the marines, then the police force, where he forged bonds with those who served with him and gave him the means to have a responsibility to people other than his family. He has a duty to those around him but he has no idea how to fulfil it when they conflict with one another.