Title: That Feeling
Characters: Alexander Mahone
Rating: PG
Summary: A short piece on Alex during the scene at Pam's.
Spoilers: For Scylla.
"I mean it."
The words keep repeating in your head over and over as you race to her house. A part of you thought you were taking a long shot when you asked her to mean it and when she did your heart swelled and started beating a million times a minute, because this is all that you've wanted for the past 2 years, to just be able to go back to her. To have her want you back into her life.
You're almost there, just one block away, and your heart hasn't slowed down since you hung up the phone, but as you turn that corner you feel you heart just stop when you see all the police cars and bystanders surrounding the area.
No! No! Nononononono! Your mind is screaming, because you don't want to allow yourself to believe this is what you think it is.
"No!"
Before you can remember that you're a wanted man, you're already skidding to a stop in front of her house and throwing yourself from your car. As you're running towards the porch stairs you're only vaguely aware of the police that have put themselves between you and the doorway. You try and push your way through, but you're no match for the two bigger men blocking your path. You look at them briefly and note in the back of your mind that you know these men. You've liaised with them before, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is getting to her. To them.
Another officer runs over to you. Jack? John? You can't remember.
"Stop! You don't want to go in there!" he yells at you and suddenly you don't. Your logical mind has caught up to you and you know what you're going to find if you go in there and you know that you can't face that, because it'll kill you.
"I'm sorry," he says and now you're heart is doing something completely different. It's breaking. You fall to the ground and stop struggling. Your mind is racing and you decide to just focus on breathing because for some reason it's become almost impossible.
"Alex," you look up as you hear your name. It's Jack/John talking and you try and focus on his words. "Alex, we're going to catch whoever did this. It's going to be alright."
It's going to be alright? Right now you don't think dumber words have ever been spoken.
You start to laugh.
Because it's not alright.
It's never been alright.
And if The Company gets its way it's never going to be alright.
You know this is your fault. They were looking for you. Will do anything necessary to get you. You should have protected them better, but you didn't and now Pam, and Cameron... You feel bile rise in your throat and before you register what's happening your bent over and throwing up into the lawn. You feel someone's hand on your back as your retching subsides and you just wish everyone would go away. Just leave you to deal with this on your own.
But you know it can't be that way.
"Alex, I'm so sorry about this, but we're going to have to take you in," one of the cops say, and you don't even care to try and figure out which. You almost laugh again but you don't. You just nod and slowly stand up, never taking your eyes off the house.
You allow them to slowly lead you back to the police cruiser and you note that they don't even handcuff you. Not that you'd run anyway, because where would you go? Anywhere you tried to run they would find you and a part of you doesn't care anymore, because they've already taken the two most important things in the world to you.
You become aware that you've been completely numb of any feeling up until this point as anger starts to flow through you and you begin to think of nothing but revenge. Revenge on the company, revenge on whoever it was who took your family's lives. And that feeling is what keeps you going as the car you're in speeds down the highway. That feeling is all that keeps you moving as your finally handcuffed and taken into the jail. That feeling is all that you can remember of the all the steps that you know were taken as they processed you back into the system, but that you can't remember going through.
And when Don Self comes to you and explains his plan to bring Scofield and Burrows in to help him take down The Company, that feeling makes you accept his deal with no questions asked.