My Three Girls
Victoria and Billy are standing there, Victoria's arms around Billy, he leaning against her with his eyes closed, both thinking about Delia. No words are spoken, none are needed. It is the first moment of shared grief between them in a long time. Billy moves away and walks towards the couch; Victoria follows him and sits next to him.
"Thank you for the tree. What made you do that?" Victoria asks as she looks at him. Billy looks up, not at her and is silent. "Christmas was Delia's favorite holiday. After Halloween, of course. It wouldn't be fair to her, Johnny, Reed or you to ignore it."
He finally turns to look at her. "I'm trying Vickie. I'm trying".
Victoria, looking at him, a tear starts to fall. "Exactly what is it you are trying to do? Be a husband to me? Be a father to Johnny? What?" Victoria doesn't even try to hold back her pain or exasperation as she speaks. Billy is somewhat surprised at her tone and looks at her.
"Really, tell me what it is you are trying to do? You don't talk to me, you would rather talk to another woman you don't know because she understands what you're feeling? Is that it? Are you trying to protect me? Or, do you think I would think less of you if you talked to me and said what is really in your heart. Tell me, Billy. Tell me what it is so I can understand why you are shutting me out. Tell me why we can't grieve together, because I don't understand. Make me understand"
Billy has no words; he is just staring at her. He tries to get up and leave, but she stops him. "No, you're not running away from me, not today. We need to talk about this. Your pain, your guilt, your grief. What about my pain? You want to know about my pain? Let me show you my pain." Vickie leaves the room to go upstairs, leaving Billy on the couch.
Vickie returns with a small photo album. On the cover is a title, "My Three Girls". She sits next to Billy and opens it to the first picture, Eve, the little girl she lost so long ago. "This is Eve, my daughter. You know, she didn't live that long after she was born. She's buried on the ranch, in a little grove of trees. There's a marker there with just her name and the day she was born. I go there on her birthday and leave flowers and I say a little prayer. I have never forgotten her, and I think about her every day."
Victoria doesn't give Billy a chance to speak as she continues. She turns the page to a picture of Lucy. "I will never forget the day you brought Lucy home to me. It was one of the happiest moments of my life, she was so beautiful and it seemed as if God has answered my prayers. Even though we didn't get to keep her, I will always remember that you brought her to me out of love. She's fine, happy, I'm sure with her father, and I have no regrets for the time I had with her. It was more time that I had with Eve, so I'm happy for those memories".
Billy looks at the picture of Lucy and remembers how much they both loved her and how painful it was to lose her.
Victoria continues, turning the page to a picture of Delia. "My other little girl. Sometimes, when she was here and it was just the two of us, I would forget the name "Stepmom" and pretend that she was really mine. She was so beautiful, so sweet and so loving. Who wouldn't want to claim her as their own? Victoria looks over at Billy, crying. "Don't think for one minute that I don't understand your pain. When I lost Delia, I lost another daughter. But, I have my memories of her and I will try to hold onto them forever, just like you. It's been hard, but I have to keep moving, taking care of Johnny and you, and keeping my own pain at bay. I have to, but most days, all I want, all I need is for you to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay. That may sound selfish, and I'm sorry if it does. But, your love is part of my source of strength to keep going, and right now, I don't feel that. All I feel is distance."
Billy has sat quietly, listening to his wife share herself with him. He sees the tears and the pain. "Delia really loved you. To her, you were her second Mom. I know because she told me that, more than once. Right now, it's just easier for me to talk to the group, and to Kelly. There are no expectations with Kelly."
"And who am I supposed to talk to, to grieve with, other than you? Or, because I somehow manage to get up every morning, that makes you think I don't need some support? Billy, I am not Superwoman. Sometimes, I just need for you to hold me and let me cry. We could hold each other and cry together."
Billy looks into his wife's blue eyes, but doesn't have any words. Victoria slowly gets up and goes upstairs, leaving Billy alone. He sits there, his head in his hands, not knowing what to do. His wife needs him, but he doesn't want her to join him in this black, lonely place he's living now. He doesn't know if comforting his wife will pull him out or pull her in. He remembers Nick's words and Jack's warning about losing everything and he knows they are both right. Losing Victoria would be a loss, equal to the loss he's already feeling. He would have nothing.
Billy slowly rises from the couch, walks towards the stairs, one step at a time. He stops before the staircase and looks. Again, very slowly, he goes upstairs and stops in front of the closed door of Delia's room. He presses his head against the door and cries. After a few moments, he goes to Johnny's room and quietly goes in. The nightlight provides enough light so he can see his son, sleeping peacefully. Billy arranges his blanket, bends over and kisses him, without waking him. This living child cannot take second place to the child he has lost, and Billy realizes that is what he has been doing.
Billy enters the bedroom he shares with his wife. She is in bed, her back to the door, but she hears him enter. She doesn't turn around. She knows that he has to decide when it's time for him to rejoin the living, and how hard it is for him, the choice will have to be his.
Billy, undressed, joins his wife in their bed and tentatively reaches for her. At first, Vickie doesn't respond, she doesn't want him to know that she has been crying. Crying for Eve, Lucy and Delia and crying for herself and what she believes she is losing. This man, her love, the love of her life is no longer within her reach, and there is nothing she can do. "Vickie, honey," Billy calls her, and then moves closer to her, his arm around her waist, his face nuzzling her neck. Victoria can feel the moisture of his face from his tears against her and she turns to him. Her head resting on his chest, so sobs almost too quietly for him to hear, but he does, as he holds her close and strokes her hair. No words are spoken; none are needed as they cling to each other and cry.