This is my first fiction, written for OutlawQueen Secret Admirer. I've always wanted to write, but I was afraid that I wouldn't be good enough at it for people to want to read what I've written. However, I made a New Years resolution to be more creative and put myself out there. I'd like to thank OQcelebration aka Lisa or Jen for the peer pressure, it honestly meant a lot to me. SPECIAL SPECIAL THANK TO MILES...Hey Miles, Becky wrote a fic! Thank you Milenys for listening to me whine and complain about how stressful writing this was and how it wasn't coming together right AND how people weren't going to like it. Are you crying yet?!... no? Okay I sill love you though. Hahah. DISCLAIMER! I OWN NOTHING BUT THE MISTAKES (had to, it's a ritual for first timers). To Liz, hope you had a happy #OUTLAWQUEEN VALENTINES DAY! From YaYa with #LovefromOQ...
Capturing Light
His house was one filled with love, even at a young age, Robin was absolutely sure of one thing, that what his parents shared filled every space they ever occupied. It was something he wanted when he became a man, to give love and be loved, the way he knew his father loved and his mother was loved.
He remembers looking out the window watching them as they looked up at the nights sky, his mother wrapped in his fathers arms, her head resting on his shoulder, so content and safe like he was every time they held him when he cried or scooped him up into their arms to attack him with kisses and tickle him until laugher was all that could be heard. He remembers how she would look up to the sky as his father focused his attention on her. The sight of them was what allowed him rest peacefully at night.
Then it all changed.
He was eight years old.
It had started to rain, the sky darkened by thunderous clouds. His mother had pulled him out of school early. He had smiled broadly at her, portraying the excitement he felt for whatever surprise she had in store. She smiled back, but it was off. Something was off. Her smile was different. Her eyes didn't shine, they didn't crinkle the way they did when she was happy. His mommy wasn't excited.
His smile fell and his heart sunk.
Robin always loved the rain. The way the air smelled during a rain shower, wet and like grass and dirt, all the worms came out when it rained, it made him excited. But that was different too. The air smelled the same, the worms were out, but his excitement never came.
The drive to-he didn't know where-was quiet. He spent the time drawing shapes in the condensation on the windows.
His grandparents were there, at the hospital. Robin ran into his grandfathers awaiting arms and was lifted off the ground, like always, but his embrace was off. The hug lacked its bear quality that belonged only to his grandfather.
It wasn't until he was lowered back to the ground, able to look upon his grandfathers face, that he realized his face matched his mothers and every family member that was there. Sadness. They were all sad, and the reason for that sadness, unbeknownst to him, was lying in a bed behind the door to his right.
Confusion…
He continued to survey the faces around him
Sadness…
He hurt, because they hurt and he loved them.
"Dad, can you watch Robin?" his mother broke the silence that surrounded them, she touched his shoulder before she turned to walk away.
He body automatically following her movements. .
"Mo.." he started as she opened the door. He didn't get to finish.
He now knew why they were all sad.
His heart sped up and he took a step forward, only to be stopped by his grandfather taking hold of his shoulder.
His father was in that bed. He looked weak, tired…. glassy eyed. So different from the man he knew.
His mother closed the door and Robin's world shook. .
He waited outside like his mother instructed him to, surrounded by his family, their faces reflecting the atmosphere. They looked at him with an expression he was too young to decipher, but he didn't look at them, instead he watched her. Through the small window on the door he saw his father slowly raise his hand to her, she took it just as slowly. Her steps and the movement of her arm completely in sync. He couldn't see her face but her knew she crying. Her shoulders shook and she lowered her gaze to the ground. His father pulled her closer and she crumpled onto the empty space beside him, her ear pressed against his fathers chest. He watched as his father held her as tight as he could, his hand coming up to run through her hair as he turned his head to bury his face into her hair.
She shook…His father broke.. He turned away.
He knew what this meant. There would be no more sneaking ice cream before dinner. No more Saturdays at the zoo. No more Sunday afternoons playing catch.. He wouldn't see the joy reflected in his eyes when he hit his mark for the first time. There would be no watching his parents as they held each other under the stars. There would be no more…..
His father taught him many lessons; started drilling them into his head before he could understand what they meant. He taught him to have honor, to stay true to who he was, to never go down without a fight, and "I'll never get it" was not something that applied to him. He was a Locksley after all and his boy. The last lesson his father taught him, as he laid in his arms, his tears soaking his antiseptic scented gown, was the most important lesson of them all..
"When you find love,"he said "like what I've found with your mom, so true and deep, that the loss of it will crush you, then and only then, have you truly captured the moonlight."
...
Her house was one filled with nothing, tangible items occupying the space that love should have. It was always quiet, even with the noise the workers made, it was still so quiet.
Her friends homes were filled with laughter and joy, so beautiful she never wanted to leave. So beautiful she often wished she could switch places with them, if only for a day just to have their mother look at her in a way her mother never did. To have love directed at her and only her. She knew her father loved her, but when push came to shove he would side with her mother. She never blamed him for it. He wasn't loved either. She often wondered if her mother ever truly loved him or anyone. They never embraced the way other couples did. No hugs or sweet kisses just because. What they shared was a quick kiss on the cheek as they parted ways and nothing else.
She hoped it would change.
It never did.
She was eight years old.
Her life was dark. The little glimmer of light she thought she once knew was buried within the cold walls that surrounded her. She was trapped in a house of darkness built in a beautiful neighborhood, in a beautiful city, in a beautiful state, but beauty was what it lacked.
She tried to capture it growing up. Tried to capture the light, thinking that maybe, just maybe if she stood outside on a summer day she'd absorb it like the flowers and trees, steal as much as she could, and transfer it to her mother through a hug.
She tried once. Stood outside for hours until she was a couple shades darker, that's how she knew she had gotten enough light, and ran to her mother, hugging her as tight as she could, silently praying that it would work. It didn't…. All she got in return was a go to your room and a door slammed in her face.
Confusion…
She didn't know what she did wrong, she was just trying to help.
Sadness...
She'd been pushed away by the one person she loved most.
She remembers turning around to find her father watching her from the other room. She remembers how he opened his arms to her as the tears started to fall. She remembers asking him why her mother didn't love her. She remembers him defending her and the look on his face as she stared at him with wide tear filled eyes. She remembers vowing to never try that again as she cried herself to sleep that night.
Activity after activity. Whatever her mother wanted her to do, she did without objection. Pageants, piano lessons, dieting, running, Ballet…... She excelled at it all. She became her mothers poster child, a doll. The daughter other mothers wanted their daughter to be.
Boarding school in Switzerland, the top of her class, summer camp, etiquette classes….. Nothing.
She loved the sunshine. The way it warmed her from the inside and out.
She thought, once upon a time, that her mother could give her back her sunshine..
She was wrong.
Her mother never returned what she had taken away.
…..
He'd been arrested again. Making this the second time his mother has had to pick him up after a night spent in jail.
She's not looking at him, hasn't faced him once since they left the police station parking lot. He knows why. She's pissed. She has every right to be and he wouldn't fault her for kicking his ass into next week. He knows he hasn't been walking the straight and narrow, hasn't been the son she raised him to be.
The drive home is quiet, eerily reminiscent of a day he'd rather forget. Robin looks out the window forcing his mind to focus on the world outside of the car, internally pleading for his mind to take him to any day, any moment in time, any place in the world.
He becomes so wrapped up in focusing, that his mother slamming the car door causes him to jump. It's then that he's realizes that he'd been so determined to ignore how quiet it was that time slipped away from him. Robin buries his face into his palms trying hard to keep his emotions at bay. He hated days like this. Days when the memories start to leak from the lock box he kept them in. They days are fewer and farther in between, but when they do come, they hit him with gale force winds, tearing down his carefully built walls, and causing him to do something reckless and stupid, that would most likely get him arrested.
The front door is still open when he finally exits the car. He enters the house to find his mother belongings haphazardly thrown on the table by the door. Slowly closing the door behind him, he contemplates leaving; stealing her keys and driving somewhere. Anywhere.
He's not in the mood for a speech. He's tired and hungover and completely off his game. He stays, he doesn't know why, but he stays. Opting instead to hang his mothers coat in the closet, place her keys on the key rack, and bring her purse with him as he heads to the kitchen.
Shes standing in front of the sink, staring out the window, looking at the deck that held so many sweet and bitter memories. They kettle is on the stove and he knows it's calming tea. He knows she knows he's entered the kitchen by the way her back straightens and her fingers grip the edge of the sink.
"Sit down Robin," she commands in an exasperated tone. He does as she says, never taking his eyes off of her satin blue covered back. He sits in the chair at the head of the table, the chair he remembers belonged to his father, the chair no one has sat in for the last seventeen years.
There's a pregnant pause not at all comfortable. The air is charged with the anger emanating off his mother, the scent of popery, and the storm that is raging inside of his heart.
"Do you even remember what your father taught you?" his mother ask.
The question takes him by surprise. Robin stops in his tracks and looks up eyes wide. They don't talk about his father often. They hadn't talked about him in years. His mother had moved on. She'd found someone else to love her the way his father no longer could, so they stopped talking about him. They stopped talking and…No Robin thought. They can't go there. I'm not on my game and I can't go there.
He can't answer her. He doesn't want to answer her.
Her body doesn't portray her impatience but she's his mother and he can feel it. Her back is still facing him and it's getting annoying, but he doesn't think he could take the look on her face if she turned around. So he looks at the back door.
The door that leads to the deck that holds so many memories.
He's stuck. His heart has betrayed him and taken him to a place he didn't want to revisit.
"Do. You. Remember. What. your father taught you?" Her words are clipped. Robin wonders if she's looking for a response, if she really wants to hear what he has to say.
He wants to look at her. But her words are no longer distant. She's talking to him directly, which means she's looking at him. He wants to look. Feels he should but he can't…and…
That damn door.
"You helped put that up when you were six."
Her tone is softer than it was a minute ago shifting the feel of the atmosphere with it.
She's talking about the door. He looks at her and she's looking at the door.
His "I did?" Has her directing her gaze on him. They're finally looking at each other for the first time since they left the police station. She's tired. She's been crying. Her eyes are puffy. He can see the tear streaks on her face. There are dark circles under her eyes. It's all because of him. It's his fault she looks so…broken.
They just look into each other eyes. Hazel meeting Blue.
Goddammit. He wants to cry. He wants to throw things and hit something. He wants to run until his legs give out. He can't believe.. Robin shakes his head. He can't.. How could he have?.. He can't believe..
"I forgot" his face scrunches up in anger. "How could I forget?" Robin yells. He pushes himself out of the chair so fast it falls hitting the kitchen floor with a loud bang. He's angry with himself. It doesn't matter if he'd rather not think about his childhood with his father. What matters to him is not forgetting.
Robin starts pacing the kitchen. He's angry with himself and the force of the winds have demolished his meticulously built wall. Every carefully laid brick now dust in the wind.
His mother knows he needs this, so she keeps her perch by the sink and watches him. Her heart aches. Her body itches to reach out and hold him, to wrap him in her warmth and let her love be what grounds him. But it isn't her love he's missing. It isn't her love that he needs.
Robin stops pacing. He looks at his mother with tear filled eyes. There's no amount of strength in this world that can keep him from breaking apart. The tears fall. They fall with the force of a bleeding soul, his bleeding soul.
"How could I have forgotten mom?" he gasped. His body trembling. He's just looking into her eyes. She sees it. She sees everything he's been hiding. Abandonment. Fear. Regret. Longing. Desperation. Anger.
He's so broken.
Robin knows he's let too much out from the way his mother is looking at him. It isn't pity. Never pity. It's an emotions he can't take having directed at him. She takes a step towards him. He buries his face in his palms trying to muffle the sound of his sobs.
But you can't muffle the sounds of a soul yearning to be healed.
His body shakes uncontrollably, he's gasping for air, and she can't take it. She can't stand back and watch her son, her baby, fall apart in front of her. Susan crosses the kitchen in no time, taking Robin into her arms, in complete desperation to provide comfort; to give him anything and everything she has that would strengthen him. His body trembles under her touch.
Robin wraps his arms around his mother the moment he feels her familiar touch. He buries his face into her neck. She still smells the same way she did when he was little. That scent used to help soothe him, he hoped that it still could, he prayed that it could. He tightens his arms around her and breaths deep. His tears staining her blouse.
"Robin, your father loved you" his mother whispers her hands stroking his back in a soothing way she hadn't given in years.
"He lied to me mom…. He didn't tell me he was dying. He didn't tell me that it would be this hard. He never said it would be this hard." He cries.
"He never once lied to hurt you. We didn't tell you he was sick because we wanted to protect you, you were so young. Eight years old robin. Your father wanted his last days with you to be filled with joy and love. He didn't want to go through every day seeing you sad. That would have broken him. It may not have been the best decision to you, but as a parents our main priority was to see you happy and preserve your innocence." She stated as she continued to stroke his back.
"I just wish.." he's looking out at the deck and all of a sudden he's that eight year old boy.
His mother moves her hands to his shoulders, pushing hard enough to untangle them. Robin's looking at the floor when he's out of her arms. His mother places her hand on his cheeks cupping his face, "Look at me Robin." He does as asked.
She's looking deep into his eyes when she says her next words. "No matter what you do and what you've done He would still love you. Yes, he'd be angry with the choices you've made, but he would never…" She grasped his face tighter. Using her gesture to make him know that this is something he should never doubt " listen to me! Really hear me Robin. Your father would never stop loving you."
"I just miss him so much."
"I know baby." she leans in closer to kiss his forehead.
"There's so much he's missed mom. So many things I wanted him around for. So many questions I need answered. How will I ever learn to be the man he was if he's not here to teach me? I can't do anything right without his guidance. I'm a mess"
She's breaking. Her heart yearning to heal what's been broken inside of him.
"You're not a mess!"
"Yes I am mom. I look at myself in the mirror and I see nothing. I'm not half the man he was and I'll probably never be."
"Robin, you are your fathers son. You have the best parts of him and more. You love deeply, you feel deeply. It's not going to be easy. I know it hasn't been easy, but trust me when I say, you are and will be the man your father wanted you to be."
Robin doesn't want to doubt her words, she's never told him anything just for the sake of soothing him. She always told him what he knew deep down, what he needed to be said aloud by someone he trusted.
They embrace and the storm inside starts to subside. It's only a slight change but he knows it'll get better. " I love you mom," Robins says as he kisses her cheek.
He visits his fathers grave for the first time in years. He doesn't know what he's supposed to say. What he should say. It's been so long and he's done so many things that his father wouldn't be proud of, but his heart pushed him here. He needed to be here. His mother had said that whatever he needed to be say would be said. He just doesn't know where to start. Hi dad, it's been awhile, feels wrong in so many ways.
Robin places the flowers against his fathers headstone. His name there etched in stone. Beloved father, loving husband, but what's missing is superhero, protector, crime fighting night light holder.
He starts with… Hi dad, it's been awhile. Stops, looks towards the graves in the distance, takes a deep breathe and continues.
"Its been hard here without you. I've lost myself. Somewhere along the line I forgot who I was…" His voice shakes, a tear falls. He wipes it away and continues.. "I've done some things I know you wouldn't approve of. I've forgotten, or dismissed what you taught me. I've felt so alone without you. It was hard growing up without you. You were supposed to be there to teach me how to be a man. I couldn't hold on to your lessons, they just became words mentioned in my past. They meant absolutely nothing without you here to show me or tell me how to use them. I don't know how to have honor, I can't stay true to who I am when I don't even know who I am or who I'm supposed to be. I've allowed myself to go down without a fight. Trying to live with losing you was… is a fight I'm afraid I'll never win. I guess.." he takes a deep breath " all I'm saying is, that I could really use a sign that's it's all going to be okay, that I'll become a man I know you'd be proud to have as your son, and maybe somewhere along the line I'd capture the moonlight." Robin walks up to his father headstone, reaching out to run his palms along the smooth stone. This action is the closest he'll ever get to hugging the man he longs to be. "I love you dad. I promise I'll make you proud. I promise I'll one day see the man I want to be and I won't stop fighting until I do."
It doesn't come in the form of rain. It doesn't come in the form or wind, sunshine, or a random object he finds as he's taking a walk. It comes three weeks later when he's finally decided to stop looking for it and to allow it to come on its own.
It's a Friday and his friends had begged him to stand in for their lead singer. Their taking a break after the first set, he's at the bar grabbing a drink for his friend. He's so preoccupied with their next set that he doesn't see her when he turns around, spilling both drinks he was holding on her blue dress. His mouth hangs open in shock and embarrassment. Robin rushes to get some napkins. Muttering, "I'm so sorry. I should have been paying attention" as he awkwardly tries to wipe the alcohol out of her dress. In his haste, he gets too close to her chest and OH Shit this can't get any worse.
He stops and slowly looks up and she's smiling. She's smiling and he's bewildered, he just ruined her dress and accidentally touched her breast. He's pretty sure she should be pissed. Her dress is destroyed and having her chest touched by a stranger would piss normal people off, but she's smiling. He's looking into her eyes and what she says next has him falling for her " I hope you can hold a mic better than you can hold your drink."
She smiles. A smile so big and radiant her eyes shine and his heart skips a beat.
He gets his sign three weeks after visiting his fathers grave. It's comes in the form of a beautiful woman named Marian.
…..
She made the mistake of stepping out of line once.
She had decided that it was enough. Her mother no longer had the right to control her life. She'd spent the last eighteen years being told what to wear, how her hair should be worn, what she could and couldn't eat….. her entire life was what her mother wanted it to be. And it was enough. She had had enough. This decision was hers. Every decision after this would be hers. Her mothers reign was coming to an end.
It was that time of senior year, college applications had to be sent out. Cora had instilled in Regina that Brown University was the only college she'd be attending. It was as though she'd get her way in by her mother donating money for a new library, science lab...whatever Cora would have to spend she'd spend it and more. It's not as though she needed to, Regina had the grades and extracurriculars to get into any university, graduating at the top of your class had it perks. Having Cora as her mother had its downsides..
Despite what her mother said this was Regina's future and she had the right to decide what she wanted to do with it. Regina's plan was all that mattered, not her mothers.
She often wondered if Cora knew how much of a burden it was to have someone control you everyday of your life. Early on it wasn't obvious but like always things take a turn. Her mother made that turn. Silent control was long gone, replaced by it's my way or no way at all.
There was a saying mothers often used when their children weren't listening, I brought you into this world and I could take you out. There was a time when she thought Cora would actually do this. Thought her mother would consider taking her out of this world, but that would mean blood on her manicured nails and freedom her mother would never give up… and who would she control? Cora wouldn't be having any children ever again. So "I brought you into this would and I can take you out" didn't apply to her in the literal sense but it applied and she'd soon find out how.
Regina had come up with the idea to apply for Brown and the university she really wanted to attend. She had a teacher who was aware of how overpowering her mother had the tendency to be. He had offered to help her submit the application in secret. Even going as far to suggest she fill out his address on the application. The letter would go to his house and he'd bring it to school when it arrived. Her mother would never have to know. She asked him why he wanted to help her. His response touched her deeply.
"You are an amazing student…" he said with intense passion "…. You have a bright future ahead of you. Your mother doesn't need to force you to follow her path. You've been walking the road she's laid out for so long that you've lost yourself. She's stifling your growth. You are smart, caring, hardworking, and too perfect. The perfect that no child should have to be. You have the right to make mistakes just like every other teenager your age. You have the right to feel like you can breathe and live. You can be free. So we'll start with this. It may seem like a small step to you, but small steps lead to a possible future. The question is do you want to take this step… are you willing to disobey your mother to live the life you want?" He's looking at her in a way she wished her mother did. His eyes are full of care and it amazes her that he's the only teacher she's ever had that took the time to ask her what she wanted. The only one who cared.
She wants to say yes. "Are you up for this Regina? " he asked again.
She wants to say yes. She should say yes.
Regina smiles and looks at him. "Yes, I'm up for this. I want to be in charge of my future."
He smiles, handing her the application. "And you shall be."
They had done it. She had done it. She'd applied and she'd gotten in, never in her life had she cried that hard. The words "Congratulations, you've been accepted " made her feel like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. For the first time she truly knew how it felt to have options. For the first time she truly knew what it felt like to have some control and the biggest feeling of all was that freedom was waiting for her in August of the next year. She didn't need her parents money. She had gotten a full ride. A full ride to the one university she actually wanted to go to. This was hers. This achievement was hers. Cora couldn't claim this and Regina wouldn't allow her. She also couldn't tell her.
She applied to Brown as planned and gotten in, which didn't surprise her in the slightest. What surprised her was the hug her mother had given her.
….
The letter arrived while Regina was at school, her mother had been anxiously waiting for the news to come. She'd called to Regina from the study the moment she heard her enter the house. Regina had never heard her name roll off of her mothers tongue in the way it did when she called to her. When she had entered the study her mother was seated behind her desk holding an envelope, and her father was beside her with the biggest smile on his face. She was confused. "What's going on?" She asked looking from her father to her mother and that's when she saw it, the first real smile her mother had ever given and it was for her. "Congratulations honey" her father had said as he walked to her, pulling her into a hug and kissing her cheek. Her eyes never left her mothers through his actions.
"I'm so proud of you" Henry stated.
"Thank you daddy" she responded finally turning to look at him. The joy in her heart rising at the love reflecting in his eyes. He kissed her cheek again and when she turned back to face her mother, Cora had risen from her seat and was making her way towards them. Her father released her from his hold and she turned to her mother. Cora was still smiling, Regina couldn't help but smile in return. This emotion was new, she loved the way it made her mother radiate with beauty, and the way it felt to have her mother smiling at her.
"Congratulations Regina." Cora said as she wrapped her in her arms. Regina rested her head on her mothers soaking up the feeling of finally receiving a real hug from her. This was real, she felt it was real unlike the other hugs she received through the years that were just for show. Her smile grew and she was starting to consider Brown as the University she'd attend just to have every moment like this one. She was on the verge of making that her final decision until…..
"We got into Brown!"
We? Regina thought. The realization that her mothers excitement wasn't for her at all made her smile fade.
Cora unwrapped Regina from her arms but kept a hold of her. That smile still gracing her lips. "Are you not excited?" Regina shook her head feigning disbelief. "Yes, I'm excited. I'm just a little surprised." She lied.
Cora released her to return to her previous perch behind her desk. "Of course you got in darling. They couldn't deny a donation for the new School of Law building."
Regina scrunched her face up in distrust. "You paid for me to get into Brown?"
Cora dropped her pen and looked up at Regina. And there it was- that look. "Regina, fix your face… and to answer your question, No I didn't "pay" for your ticket into Brown, but a little incentive does help." With her statement done Cora returned to work leaving Regina to stare at her in utter shock.
"Mom?"
"End of discussion Regina, you got in and you're going!" Cora stated in an authoritative tone. It was the end of the discussion, arguing would be a waste of time, plus Regina had other plans. She left as ordered and with her went the decision that Brown could burn down for all she cared. She wasn't going and nothing was going to change that.
….
She had managed to keep up the lie for eight months. For eight months her mother had believed she was going to Brown. Regina had played the role so well; accepting Brown merchandise, answering questions, and smiling every time her mothers friends mentioned how Cora was so proud of her.
July eighth brought an end to her charade. Cora had gone to lunch with a group of her lackeys, as Regina liked to call them, there it was revealed by the Dean of Law that Regina declined her acceptance.
Her mother came home in a furry. Never in her seventeen years of life had Regina ever seen her mother that angry. Cora yelled, paced the room, shut her husband down with one look and looked at Regina with a glare that could kill.
"Do you know how embarrassing that was?!" She shouted as she continued to pace. "Eight months Regina. You have lied to me for eight months. You had me believing that you were going to Brown. Do you know how many people I told?! I had a party planned and I find out a week before that you have been lying to me." Cora stop pacing and moved to stand in front of her daughter. "Do. You. Know. How. Embarrassing. That was?!" She's fuming. Her anger growing the longer the conversation goes on. "Look at me and answer the question you insolent child!"
Regina looks up and is assaulted with the rage brewing in her mothers eyes.
"I'm not an insolent child" she whispers.
"What did you say?!" Cora snapped.
Regina's irritation was growing the more Cora bellowed. The longer her mother "talked" the harder it became for her to sit there and say nothing.
"What did you say?" Cora repeated.
Rising from her seat with purpose Regina faced her mother head on and repeated without an ounce of reservation, " I am not an insolent child! I am not a child. You don't own me. I make the decisions for my life. You've had seventeen years to dictate every breathe I took. Not any more! I've spent my life trying to make you proud and nothing I ever did was good enough, but it paid off. I was offered a full ride to The University of Texas at Austin. I don't need your money, and I don't need your support!"
All she felt was searing pain, tears rising in her eyes and falling before she could stop them. Regina's hand went to her face out of shock and reflex. Her palm was wet. She moved her fingers to her lip and hissed upon contact. Her lip was bleeding. Looking at her mother only brought her face to face with an unrepentant Cora.
"Clean yourself up" was all she said before she left her daughter to fall to the living room floor as her father helped clean her lip as he muttered apologies. The rest of the summer was spent in silence. Regina going anywhere and everywhere she could to avoid having to see her mother.
She made the mistake of stepping out of line once. She got a busted lip, stitches, and Texas. With Texas came horses, and with horses came Daniel.
Her teacher had been right; small steps can lead to a brighter future.
...
He'd received a sign once… one that changed his life in a way he doubted was possible.
He had spent so many years looking for someone to complete him, looking for someone he could count on to heal his pain. It wasn't until he decided that he had to take ownership of his life that Marian walked into his life, bringing with her a feeling he'd never known. One that made his heart race every time he looked at her.
She saw the best and the worst in him. She never tried to change him into the man she wanted him to be. She stood by his side as he pushed hard to be the man he knew he could be. She believed in him like nobody, other than his mother, had.
Marian brought to him a joy he always surveyed but never thought he'd have. Because of her, Robin finally knew what it meant for a man to truly love and be loved.
Their world was simple. She never needed to be wined and dined. Dinner at his apartment was always enough for her. Just him. That's was all she said she ever needed.
Her smile was the highlight of his day. The love reflected in her eyes made his heart skip a beat. Marian was open, her emotions shining in her eyes, and her loved that.
She made him want to be a better man. He had her love and her trust and she had all of him. It was because of her that he went back to school. Sacrificed. He'd sacrifice anything to make her proud. She's told him, " that all that mattered to her was that he was proud of himself" as she kissed his lips tenderly.
She was the first one he'd ever openly talked to about the struggle he had after his father passed. She pulled him into her arms as the tears started falling. No words were needed. Her touch was enough to bring him comfort. She cried with him that night, not out of pity but love. Marian cared for him. Her heart ached when he was hurting.
He made love for the first time in his life that night. Their bodies moved in unison as they stared into each other's eyes, the connection not once breaking. . It was powerful and beautiful. He'd whispered words into her skin, words he'd never told a single woman he'd ever slept with, but this wasn't just sex. He wanted to hold her forever, wanted to share everything with her. She's cried after, it was the first time she'd ever felt a connection so strong, he wrapped her in his warmth.
Robin found himself on one knee on the night of graduation. It was because of her that he felt he was as strong as he was. She came in and helped save him at a time when he desperately needed saving. Marian was his best friend and he wanted to share every waking moment of his life with her. He wanted her on this journey. She said yes in front of his family and friends. He picked her up and swung her around pulling laughter from deep within her throat. He settled her on the ground and kissed her passionately, whispering "I love you" before reclaiming her lips.
They got married under the stars the moonlight reflecting on their skin seven months later.
She didn't put up a fight when he was offered a job in the States. She'd miss her family and he didn't want to separate them but it was her who said he should take the job.
….
"This is what you've worked so hard for. Don't let it pass you by because of me. I could never forgive myself if I knew you decided not to go because you didn't want to separate me from my family...You are my family Robin. You are my husband and I'll always he by your side. I made a vow I intend to keep. Don't force me to break that." She said as she looked deep into his blue eyes.
He smiled brightly as he walked towards her stopping only when their toes touched. "So we're moving to Boston?"
Marine smiled back. "We're moving to Boston!"
Robin pulled her into a tight hug running his hand through her hair. "We're moving to Boston" he whispered in her hair. Marian pulled away enough to look into his eyes "We're moving to Boston" she whispered back before leaning forward to capture his lips in sweet tender kiss.
….
Boston brought Robin and Marian success, new adventures, love, and the best part of all their first child, Roland. The apple of his mothers eye. The joy of his fathers life.
Eleven years he spent with the love of his life. Four of the eleven shared with the beautiful boy they made together.
Boston had brought Robin and Marian so many beautiful thing, but Boston also took the most beautiful thing Robin had ever met.
He captured the moonlight once, it came in the form of a beautiful woman, one that changed his life in a way he thought wasn't possible, and he'd lost his moonlight.. leaving him broken in a way his father once told him he'd be if her ever were to lose it.
….
She saw her future once… one that she thought she'd never have under Cora's thumb.
Texas.. Texas was her fresh start. She made the choice to go and her mother couldn't stop her. Nothing Cora did could take Texas away. Her mother threatened to cut her off, told her that she was never be welcomed back into her home if she didn't get rid of this "Texas" idea. Regina's didn't even dignify her threats with an answer she just nodded her head and walked away.
She'd never heard her father argue with Cora as much as he did in the weeks after her "accident." It felt good to finally see him standing up to her, it was about time, so many years spent being submissive and silent. She hadn't realized just how much of a doll her father was, they were both puppets for so long, it was time to be free. He'd threatened to divorce her, Regina never heard Cora get quiet that fast, it made her smile.
The day before her flight to Texas she spent the entire day with her father. She was ready to leave, but no matter how many times he failed to stand up to Cora, she loved him and leaving him hurt.
….
They were walking in a park, one that had brought her solace on so many occasions, he used to take her to when she was younger. She stopped and took his hand in hers when they reached the duck pond. When his eyes finally met hers, she squeezed his hand and smiled. Her fathers eyes were starting to fill with tears before she uttered one word. They stared into each other's eyes. They knew without words the shared pain they had.
He broke the silence first, a tear escaping "You look so happy Regina…" he said, stopping to take a deep breathe. " You finally look happy...I'm sorry I wasn't always there to fight for you like I should have. I gave Cora power over you..over both of us. You were so young and I should never have let that happen. I'm so sorry." Henry looked to the ground in shame.
Regina embraced him. Her tears soaking his shirt."I know you love me. I've always known you love me and I never blamed you for it." Turning her head to kiss his cheek she whispered " I love you." She stepped back raising her hand to wipe her tears. Her fathers hand coming up to stop hers midway.
He held her face in her hands as he wiped her tears. "Keep your eyes on me Regina. When it gets hard. When you struggle. If you ever lose your light… if you ever find yourself in darkness or need money.. anything you need. I'll give it, you will always have my support. You'll always have me... Keep your eyes on me."
His words brought fresh tears to her eyes. Henry cupped the back of her neck bringing her back into his embrace.
"I'm honored to call you my father" she breathed between sobs.
"The honor is mine" he responded before she felt him kiss her hair.
….
Her university had an equestrian club. Regina had always wanted to learn how to ride a horse. Texas gave her that chance.
It was supposed to be a group experience, but at the last minute her friends had "other things to do" leaving Regina with a group of strangers and doubting her decision to try this until…..
His name was Daniel, he had the most gorgeous eyes she had ever seen and a southern drawl that could make anybody go weak in the knees. He taught her to ride a horse that day, and told her that she didn't need to apologize for messing up, this was new to her, it would take time. She smiled back muttered another apology and started laughing so hard her muscles hurt. Daniel for his part watched her with absolute admiration.
He taught her how to ride a horse and somewhere along the line showed her what it felt like to capture the sunlight.
He was her first everything. The first real friend she had, her first kiss, he first real hearty laugh, her first time, her first love, the first person she wanted to share her future with.
She'd told him about her childhood after seven months of friendship. He'd held her and told her that here, in Texas, was her fresh start. This was hers and if she'd let him he'd be right by her side every part of the way. They kissed for the first time that day. A slow passionate kiss that had her stomach fluttering.
He proposed to her on the ranch under the setting sun. They'd gotten married on that same ranch the next summer, against her mothers protest, under the setting sun, the light basking them in a warmth that filled their hearts.
Graduation brought offers which brought them to Boston.
Boston blessed them with memories of snow ball fights, paint wars, car washing that ended in water fights, and the best gift of all Henry. His mothers little prince. His fathers greatest accomplishment and the best part of him. Fourteen years Regina shared with Daniel, years of friendship, light, and love. Eight of the fourteen shared with the beautiful boy they created together, the best parts of both of them.
Texas brought Daniel, her light, and Boston blessed her with memories she'd cherish forever, but Boston also took away that light she once thought she'd never find.
She took a small step once and saw her future… one filled with the sunlight she long gave up hope of capturing. She caught it and lost it.
She's had her light.. It came in the form of a cowboy named Daniel.
…..
He met her at a grief counseling session. Her brown eyes were filled with the same grief that hung over him like a dark cloud.
It had been his friends idea that he and Roland attend. John had told him that it was in their best interest, especially for Roland, because there was a counselor there that helped children cope with the loss of a parent. Robin couldn't say no, even if he'd rather not share his pain to some strangers, he'd do this for his son; Roland may only be four but he knew his mother and he'd suffer from her loss just as much as Robin would.
The counselor had paired them off after their first meeting, stating that it would be more beneficial for them and the children if they were able to form friendships in a more comfortable setting. He'd been paired off with her.
He found out her name was Regina and she had an eight year old son named Henry. Her sons age resonated with him. Robin knew what is was felt like to be eight years old and lose your father. Even through his own grief he heart went out for Henry. He may have not met Henry yet, but Robin was a walking symbol of what could happen if a child doesn't have his father around when he needed him most, and he didn't want that for Henry.
It started with a simple play date at Chuck E Cheese's. Robin met Henry for the first time. He could feel the sadness radiating off him in waves. Henry didn't want to speak and it was only until he saw Roland again that the slightest of smiles graced his face. Him and Regina shared much that day as they watched their children play. It amazed him that with her he wasn't afraid or nervous to talk about Marian. There was just something about her that made him feel comfortable.
Twelve months of play dates, dinners, school assemblies, and weekend adventures. Robin was falling for Regina. They became a family. Their grief bonding them in a way he didn't think would happen. He felt guilty, he felt like he was betraying Marian and he hated himself for it. But those eight months they had formed a bond. They had shared secrets, doubts, and fears that flowed easily from his mouth. Every accidental touch made his skin tingle.
He felt guilty and he spent a many of days crying in front of Marians grave, begging for her forgiveness. Begging her to forgive him for falling for someone else when she hadn't even been gone for two years.
Robin started to withdraw from Regina, coming up with excuses as to why he couldn't attend play dates or their regularly scheduled dinners. Roland could always go, he wouldn't separate him and Henry, they had become like brothers, and he would never ruin that relationship.
Three months of avoidance. It wasn't until Marian's mother visited that Robin felt it was okay for him to fall in love again. For him to fall in love with Regina Mills.
…..
She met him at a grief counseling session. His blue eyes matched the pain she'd grown accustomed to seeing in her own.
Cora had been the one to bring the session up in a conversation over a dinner. Over the years Regina and her mother had become closer, it was however the loss of Daniel that had Cora on the first flight to Boston. Cora held Regina that night as she cried herself to sleep and through the nightmares that plagued her.
Cora had told her that it was what she needed to do, that Henry could benefit from being around a group of children who were grieving as well. She couldn't disagree with her mother. She saw the change in her son, he talked less, ate less, and secluded himself. Regina knew she alone couldn't offer him the comfort he needed. Henry had known his father, spent eight years with him there everyday and now his dad was gone and he was alone. She'd share her pain with a group of strangers if he meant her son could get the help he needed.
The first counseling session ended with the counselor pairing them off in hopes that it would better benefit the children and themselves if they could call on someone from the group instead of having to wait a week for the next session. She'd been paired off with him.
She'd found out his name was Robin, and he had a four year old son named Roland. Regina couldn't imagine what us was like for a four year old to lose his mother, she knew what if felt like to not have her mother around, but to still be a baby and lose your favorite snuggles, book reader, and bath time bubble blower had to be hard for him. At four he was still his mothers son sad she was still his favorite person in the world. Roland was too young to know what death was, but he wasn't too young to realize when a piece was missing.
She suggested a simple a simple play date at Chuck E Cheese's so the boys could play and get more comfortable with one another, and they could have a little quiet time to talk. Regina met Roland for the first time, he still had the joy of a boy his age but she could feel the part of him that missed his mommy in the way he looked at her hen she greeted him. It shocked her that with Robin, even after meeting him only two times, she was able to open up and talk to himself about Daniel, as if they had known each other for years.
Twelve months. It only took twelve months for a Robin and Roland to became like family. Henry was a brother and friend to Roland in a way that touched her heart. Dinners, play dates, birthdays, weekends… they shared so many new memories. She laughed with Robin in a way she hadn't since Daniel passed, it felt good, and she felt guilty.
Regina spent many of days beating herself up for feeling something for Robin. Daniel hadn't been gone for two years and she was starting to fall for another man. Fourteen years deserved more respect than that. Daniel, deserved more respect than that.
Regina started to withdraw from Robin. They still planned play dates and dinner, but she didn't push him to come. If he couldn't make it it was okay, Roland would still come, it wasn't as if she hurt every time she watched Robin drive away.
Three months of avoidance. It wasn't until Henry crawled into bed with her one night and told her that it was okay, his dad was gone and it hurt every day, but he was gone a day she deservedly be happy. That's what his father would have wanted, for her to be happy. Then and only then did Regina feel like it was okay for her to fall in love again. For her to love Robin Locksley.
….
Soft. Was all he could register as he held her in his arms and kissed her for the first time.
They had gone on their first real date without their children. John had offered to watch Roland and Henry so they could have the night to themselves.
It was Valentines day, the first one he'd ever spent with another woman other than Marian and he was happy to share it with Regina. He arranged for dinner at their favorite restaurant, where they held their weekly family dinners. They owner arranged for a private table in the back. The room was basking in low light and roses littered the table. Robin covered Regina's eyes for effect. The gasp and wide smile he was rewarded was a sign of how much she loved it. Dinner was filled with laughter and smiles. His eyes connected with her and he wanted to kiss her, he longed to kiss her.
Kiss her he did.
They stood outside his apartment door hand in hand facing each other. Just staring into the others eyes locked in a trance neither one of them wanted to break. Robin doesn't know if it's him who leans in her or her, but that doesn't matter when their lips finally touch.
The kiss is slow and short. Not at all what he thought their first kiss would be like. She withdraws first to look into his eyes and smile that beautiful smile that belongs to her and only her. It's him who goes in to recapture her lips. The kiss is just a slow as the first one but deeper more passionate.
Robin turns then so that Regina is pressed in between him and the door. Her hand is pressed into his chest just above his heart. One of Robins hands is in her hair as the other is pressed up against the door beside Regina's head.
Her tongue glides along his bottom lips begging for entrance and he opens his mouth for her, their tongues dancing slowly in exploration.. Its teeth and tongue and need but neither of them speed up. This isn't about letting out frustration for them. This is something else all in its own.
Robin moves the hand from her hair to wrap around her waist and pull her tighter against his body, kidding her deeper, drawing little moans from her that have him wanting to pull her closer and closer until they are one.
If it wasn't for the need for air he would of kissed her forever. Robin break away breathing deeply. Regina is breathing just as deeply as he is. Robin brings his forehead to rest against hers their breathes mingling. There is nothing there but them. The hallway has faded away. The world outside has faded away and they are the only two left. Just them in this moment. They are here and this is true.
Regina moves her hand to cup his cheek and whispers in the space between their lips, "I never thought I'd have this…. I'd long given up hope that after Daniel that was it…" she lifts her forehead from his. There are tears in her eyes and she's smiling a watery smile ".. until I met you Robin. You've been my sunlight through all of this…. I love you.. I love you so much"
He kisses her. Kisses her for all the pain she's had. Kisses her for all the pain he has. Kisses her because he loves her. Kisses her just because…
That night they slowly removed each other's clothes. Taking the time to explore the other's body. It's slow and sweet. They don't have to rush…they don't feel the need to rush. When he buries himself with her their eyes are locked and the gasp in unison. Their souls connecting for the first time.
Blue focused on brown.
Brown focused on blue.
Silent gasp. Nails dragging across skin. Teeth, and tongue...
Back arching. Legs wrapping around waist. Words whispered through the night. Shared release…..
Brown focused on blue.
Blue focused on brown.
Bodies pressed together in sleep. Her head on his shoulder. Patterns drawn on necked skin. Legs tangled together...
The moonlight reflecting off her olive skin as she slept.
His father taught him a lesson when he was eight years old.. The sunlight filled her with warmth from the inside out.
Blue focused on brown.
Brown focused on blue.
The moon never truly sets when the sun rises.
They stay as one, capturing each other's light.