Nervosa
Jessica Dawn
---
Twenty / Twenty Hindsight.I wish I'd never left the bar before Roger and Maureen. Benny was out of town, and Collins was... Well... God knows where. He disappears though, it's nothing new. It was just a bad idea. It screamed bad. April had rushed out of the bar after an exchange with Roger, and I knew that they were both too high and drunk to do much else.
Personally, I never was a very heavy drinker. To tell you the truth, I could never hold my alcohol very well. I'd had one beer, and I was already stumbling, and tripping over my words. When April ran out, I knew Maureen would've been the better choice to follow her, they got on better than I did with her, but Maureen was also too far gone. Besides, she was enjoying herself. I wasn't about to ruin my girlfriend's night.
So after a few minutes had passed, and I was sure she wasn't coming back, I'd left them. Maureen and Roger that is. I left them there, and I followed April. She only would either head to the park and look for The Man, or head back to the loft, and crash on Roger's mattress. It was just how things were.
---
"Hey, Maureen... April seemed pretty upset..." I sighed slightly, wondering if I'd been the only one to catch on. Unfortunately, I could tell that Maureen was far more interested in the dancefloor than what I had to say, unfortunate, but it's one of the thigns that drew me to her. She's always doing something. Right now, she's getting erady to dance, draining another tequila shot. Roger has retreated to the bathroom, probably shooting up again. Maybe it's for the best if I just head out after April on my own.
Maureen digs her fingernails into my wrist, drunkenly, and lets out a shriek as the music changes. "Marky! Pookie! I love this song! I'm gonna go dance, okay?" She doesn't wait for a response, and I'm too busy pulling my hand from her grasp at the sudden shock of pain going through my hand. She's swept up now in the crowd, creating a scene with her dancing.
Thats fine. She can have my attention too. I never did want it. I'm happy as long as my friends are. Well... I can't say that. My friends are happy most of the time when it's brought on by drugs. Collins has his marijuana, which really, I guess, isn't so bad. I tried it once when I was in high school, but really, not for me. It's just when it comes to Roger and April that I get a bit frustrated.
Heroin. Diesel. Gear. Horse. Junk. Smack. Call it what you will, but I hate the stuff. Seriously. It's caused so many problems in my circle of friends. Roger sent me out once to get it for him. He was at a gig, and he said he'd give me twenty bucks to do it. I wasn't about to say no to twenty dollars. When I realized just what I was getting myself into though, I couldn't do it. I made the mistake of speaking my mind to The Man, and got myself jumped.
When I'd finally gotten back an hour and a half later to the bar, still bleeding from my nose, and with my glasses broken, Roger had the nerve to ask for his smack. If I'd've seen how badly he'd have gotten addicted to it sooner, I'd've never let him get this far caught up in it. I didn't see the harm at first. He was having a good time. Sure, I wouldn't be doing it myself any time soon, since I was afraid of needles and all, but there was nothing wrong with him doing it. He was a big boy. He could take care of himself.
My mind rested on the drugs as I made my way up the stairs. April had quite a bit of time on me. I guess I hadn't realized just how much leeway I'd given her after she left. I'd followed Roger into the bathroom at first, but when I realized what was going on behind the closed door, I left him. I spent a few minutes talking to Maureen, and I guess thats where I lost the time. I slid my key in the lock, and pushed the door open, but it was blocked a bit. Nothing a good shove wouldn't fix. It took me a couple of tries, but I got it. "Hey April... You home?" I didn't get an answer, but I could hear water running in the bathroom. I guess she was taking a bath or something. Calming down.
"M-Mark...?" Her voice came through the door to the bathroom, and I leaned up against it. Her voice sounded weak, but she had been crying. I heard something drop to the floor, and since I knew it was one of their preferred places in the loft, assumed she'd just dropped her syringe.
"You alright?" I offer, but I don't receive any answer this time. I guess I'd better just let her know what she's too wasted to figure out on her own this time. My own buzz has calmed down a lot since I left Maureen and Roger. "You know he didn't mean any of it, right? He's just been stressed out with all the 'Well Hungarian' shit. The bands in a rut, and he's trying to deal with it. Granted, he's not dealing with it in a very productive manner, but he's dealing anyways. He doesn't know he's taking it out on you when he's high, or drunk or anything like that, and you know... You really shouldn't take anything he says right now to heart anyway. He'll regret it later and wind up crying just like you are. It's alright to cry you know... Maybe the two of you should stop using... It might solve a lot of your problems..."
I trail off as I leave her to her thoughts, and move into my bedroom, adjacent to the washroom. And sit down on my mattress. Maureen will be home later, and I won't have to feel so alone in my bedroom. It's a comforting thought, even as part of me knows right now that she's at the bar making out with another man. There's so much sexual frustration in this loft that it's going to drive us all insane. Maureen has this insatiable thirst for sex, and even though I do my very best to please her when she wants it, she's always wanting more, and the frustration that April and Roger must be feeling, what with all the arguing they've been doing in the past few weeks? They've gotta be going stircrazy from the celibacy. Especially with Maureen and I in the next room. It's not that I'm a fiend, it's that she is, and like everybody tells me, I'll do anything to make my friends happy.
Benny's got a girlfriend somewhere. He won't tell us much about her, but she paid our rent last month. She's good in my books for now. Collins, well... He's gay, so we don't really worry about his sex life too much. It's not that homosexuality disturbs me or anything, because really, I'm okay with it. Whatever makes you happy, just. Not for me. I could never imagine myself with another man, in that way. His sex life is his own business, and I know Roger shares my sentiments on that topic. He's shared on a few occasions just what he thinks, and I think thats why Collins stays out so often. At least he's got the respect not to do anything like that in the loft. It's nice of him to not ask us to do the same though.
I sigh slightly, and flop back on my bed. A glance at the alarm clock tells me it's ten minutes after eleven. I might as well rest up a bit while April's in the bath. I need a shower once she's done anyways. I set the alarm for midnight, knowing it'd be a few hours before Maureen and Roger turn up, but that April doesn't like long baths either. She never could stand to be alone for very long. She loves the attention too much. Part of me half expects her to turn up in my bedroom as I sleep, and to cry her heart out to me, only to act as if tonight had never happened tomorrow morning. I tug the sheets up over me, and take off my glasses, putting them on the floor next to my bed, and leaving my hand close to them. I'm blind as a bat without them on, and the only way I ever find them when I get up is if they're right by my hand. It doesn't take me long to fall into a dreamless sleep.
---
I should have never gone to sleep. I can't help but live in regret when my mistakes started to hurt the people around me. All I seem to do is hurt the people around me, and I can't stand it anymore. It hurts too much to think about it. I hurt Maureen because I couldn't please her. I hurt Roger because I tried to smother him. I hurt Collins because I wasn't more accepting of who he was. I hurt Benny because I didn't understand who he'd changed into. It's just that April... I hurt her the worst. I couldn't understand her, I couldn't help her, and then when I had the chance to make a difference, I didn't see it and I didn't take it. All I fucking do is hurt everybody around me. If I'd've known what was happening ten minutes beforehand, I wouldn't be sitting here now. I'd probably be pissed drunk off of two drinks in a bar somewhere in Manhattan, laughing with all my friends. But it's too late for that now.
---
When I wake up, it isn't because the alarm has gone off... Hell, I've only been asleep for fifteen minutes. The fact of the matter is, I must have been drunker than I thought I was originally. I've managed to piss my mattress. It's soaking wet. And it smells like piss too. Almost as bad as the bathroom did in the bar. Even my hands are wet.
But hadn't my right hand been on the floor? It's then that it dawns on me. The floor is drenched in warm water, and thats probably why I'd managed to piss myself. The water in the bathroom is still running. April must still be in the bath. I slide my glasses onto my nose, and rise, now needing the shower worse than before. I feel bad about needing to ask April to hurry up, but she can drown Roger's pillow in tears for five minutes instead. I need to shower now, then I need to mop up the floor and flip my mattress over, until I can crash on the couch. It's embarrassing, but not the first time anybody in the loft has done anything like this. Roger and April are rather known for their immature and childish pranks when they've gotten a little bit too high.
"Hey April...? Would you mind giving me five minutes to shower? The floors soaked, and so's my bed... I really need it..." It doesn't take long for me to realize that there isn't even an inkling that she heard me on the other side. The water doesn't turn off, and there isn't even a muffled sound from beyond the door. I knock. "April?" I ask hesitantly. There's this sinking feeling starting to fill my stomach, and I glance down at my feet. There's something off about the water seeping out from under the door. Did she fall asleep in the bathtub?
No... She snores... Even if it is just quiet... I'd be able to hear it over the water...
"April... I'm coming in..." Even if the door is locked, it's easy enough to get past, with one of the points cards from a local café. I slide it in the crack between the jam and the door and slide it up, with a gentle push, the door opens.
---
With that same gentle push my life is turned upside down. Every ounce of regret came flooding into me when I took in the sight before me. I'd never get over that feeling. It was hopelessness, and loss, and selfloathing all at once. I can't really explain it, all I know is that my heart aches with it every time it beats. It's an actual pain, and I know I'm not worthy of the title of friend.
---
"April..." I let out in that exasperated breath. I turned around at first, my stomach lurching. It's not just water flooding the loft. It's water and blood. I'm the only one there, and if I hadn't been so fucking stupid, I could've helped her. My mind recognizes that there's something written on the mirror in blood, but even staring at the words doesn't help me to figure out what they are. Suddenly they blur, and I realize I've started crying. Without hesitating now, I reach into the bathtub holding April and the murky water, and pull her out of it. I shake her a bit and fall to my knees with her on the bathroom floor.
I know she's dead. I know there's nothing I can do to save her, but I've still got to try. This is a night that I know is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. It's my fault. I was the one in the next room as she did this. I've gone so completely numb, as I shake her, and call out to her, holding her close to me, as though the embrace can bring her back. My whole body is shaking. I don't know how much time passes, until I hear the loft door slide open, and Maureen's giggling fill the otherwise stagnant air.
"Marky... You can't leave the water running like that, Pookie... You're flooding the whole building..." She calls out to me, tossing her purse onto the couch. I only know because of the noise it makes. I can hear her footsteps through the water trudging towards me. I can't let her see what happened. I can't let her see what I didn't stop, but I can't move. I'm paralyzed in my fear and paranoia. I will the door to close, but I can hear her realization as she gasps an "Ohmigod."
Thats one really good thing about Maureen. She can sober up in an instant if she absolutely has to. Those crucial moments, reserved for life-changing experiences. I'm guessing that walking in on her boyfriend covered in the blood of her dead friend, and roommate's girlfriend while holding her lifeless body would qualify as one of those moments. Don't get me wrong, I don't know for sure if this is one such case that counts, but I've got a hunch.
It's somewhat wrong that I feel safe now that Maureen is here. For one thing, I know she won't blame me for this the same way Roger will. I know that she knows it wasn't my fault. I know she's got a much calmer mind than I do right now, and is much more capable of handling the situation. I can't do very much as she reaches past me, tiptoeing into the room, and turns off the water. I don't even have to look up to know what she's doing. All I can really focus on is holding April close to me.
Nothing really pulls me from the shock I've allowed myself to settle into. I hear Maureen leave the room, and then her voice, low (to keep me from hearing) and somewhat hoarse because she's upset as well), speaking over the phone, though I can't make out just what she's saying. When she returns, she does her best to carefully pry April from mt arms, but I can't let that happen.
"C'mon Mark... You've got to let her go... We've got to get you cleaned up. Roger's on his way home and there's an ambulance on its way... C'mon..." She edged me with her words, as though I was actually paying any real attention to what she was saying. I was more focussed on keeping April away from Maureen. She didn't understand that much, I had to fix this.
"Pookie... You've gotta let her go... You're already covered in her blood... You've gotta clean off..." What did it matter if I was clean or dirty? April was fucking dead. Everytime I blinked, it was the initial moment of finding her in the bathtub. "We're all gonna have to go get tested, Mark... Just let her go... She's gone..."
Words made things final. I couldn't let go. Letting go would be just as bad as saying it.I'm slowly becoming aware of just how discombobulated my thoughts would sound to anybody who wasn't me right now. I'm aware of the fact that I might possibly be overreacting. I'm aware of the fact that guilt will haunt me now, and that life was definitely going to be different. One thing I wasn't quickly aware of was the still euphoric voice of our other roommate wafting in from the door.
"This better be good Mo... I skipped a pass for that phone call." He lets out with a slight laugh. I can hear him stumble about slightly before noticing the water on the floor, and I hear him reach down to touch it with his fingers. He's probably checking to make sure he isn't hallucinating it."Whats the big deal?" There's an odd jingling splash as he drops his keys, and I hear him lumber towards us.
The next few things happen in the span of maybe a minute, but I'm not entirely sure how many seconds pass.
I came to the realization that even though Roger needed to know, him seeing April was worse than anybody else seeing her, and begin to shift slightly to hide her from his view.
Maureen jumped up, coming to the same dawning realiation, and quickly responded. "Roger baby... You have to promise me you won't overreact..."
Roger must have seen my back, from where he stood because I heard him call out to me past Maureen, "Mark? What the fuck did you do?"
I come to the quick realization that me hiding April form him, and him making that comment ultimately made the whole mess my fault, at least through his alcohol and heroine haze, and in my inferiority complex, and immense guilt trip. Suddenly, I'm afraid of Roger, and of the hands that I know are eventually going to be coming towards me.
Maureen tries to hold Roger back, but it's to no use as I hear a;
"Don't fucking push me... My best friend is bleeding to death."
I try my best not to start crying again at those words, because he doesn't realize that though he means them about me, they apply even moreso to April, the one who really, at this point, seems to be innocent in the whole fiasco.
I hear, and then feel Maureen fall, accompanied by the sound of flesh on flesh, wincing slightly at the crack of it. The shake from her falling practically onto me jars April slightly from within my arms. Roger would be able to see her now.
"What the fuck, Mark. You cut yourself after sleeping with my girlfriend?"
It seems odd that he can't connect right away whats going on, but you can almost hear the denial seeping through his mind. "Mark... What the fuck did you do to her?"
I have no real choice but to remain silent. I was already resigned to the fact that this was my fault.Hadn't I just been thinking a moment ago about how Maureen knew it wasn't? Maureen. I should turn around and check on her. The slap sounded like it really hurt, but I can't turn around. If I look at Roger, he'll see right through me. If I look at Roger, I'm admitting to the heinous crime I'd just committed.
"She isn't..." There's a pause, in which I feel Maureen's arm move. I'm sure she's pointing out the writing on the mirror. I still don't know what it says, but Roger clears my mind of that. "We've got AIDS... She doesn't... We don't... She's..." With each word he speaks, I can hear the anger starting to edge in. The sadness predominant. There's a hopelessness in there, as well as a curiousity. You can hear his loss, never mind share in it."Gone?"
--
And that was the first moment I'd ever thought about doing this. I mean... It's kind of hard to explain to somebody else... The events that happened so long ago... Thats what they are now... distant yet vivid memories. You almost had to be there. But that doesn't matter. You don't know me like you say you do. You could never understand what drove me to... This.