Author's Note: Well, jeeze, lookie at all the people. looks up innocently at the readers This is a third POV on Xena's death and Ares' reactions, post-FIN, only this one breaks from the original challenge, in that it's from Ares' POV, looking back. So, it's more an inspiration than a challenge reply. There, got enough information? Okay, finish the boring disclaimers and stuff and READ!
Dedications: Still the same people it's always been dedicated to. Especially to Illy, LK, Tali, Tango, Rissy, Kat, and everyone who I still see online, as that's not many anymore.
Summary: "At first, they refused to let me see her." Ares POV, very post-FIN II.
Warnings: None.
Rated: PG
Date Started/Finished: October 9th, 2005
By Delenn
At first, they refused to let me see her. They refused to let me see her. I am finally ready to admit that my response was undignified, if completely justified.
They wouldn't let me back, even into their domain, for years afterwards. Considering the damage, I'm surprised they didn't try to have me permanently banned. Not that it would have mattered.
I waited, as I had never been able to before.
And I came back, every day, every year, until they let be back in, cautious despite my various oaths of their safety.
It was almost worse then. After ten years, they said I could look, but not touch. See her without her being able to see me, to know that this time - this time I was waiting for her. Glimpses that weren't enough even to tell me whether she was happy or not. Whether she was getting what she deserved.
I thought that I was doomed then, melodramatic, I know. I figured that I deserved it, after so many botched chances, to spend an eternity watching her, alone.
Not that I ever gave up. I just made sure to keep the damage to a minimal when they refused to let me see her properly. Grit my teeth when they laughed and said I 'should have been more specific.'
They had me, and they knew it. So, I waited.
I waited until old guards were replaced with new ones. Until the damage I'd done paled in comparison with the time I'd sat. Until time seemed to right itself out, and there were wars and battles to attend to. Life went on. Still.
I came back every year. On. That. Day. I came back.
Unaware, I was subtly plotting their eventually grisly demises, when she was standing there, looking bewildered, her mouth twitching up in a half-smirk to utter my name, as though she couldn't imagine why I was there.
Admittedly, it wasn't my finest moment. I struck up, startled, and then sunk towards the ground at the vision of her, so unchanged (except in the one, all important way).
There was so much that I had to ask, that I'd needed to tell her for so long. I refused to waste another chance, when I'd lost so many.
Calmly, she answered my questions, listened to my speeches. Until I asked the most important one, and she looked away. Stared at the intricate room and impassive guards.
Sighed, eyes heavier than I'd ever seen them, telling me that she'd got what she deserved. When I accused her of failing to invite me to her palace, she laughed, looking like she was about to reach for me, but knew it would do no good.
She didn't laugh when I threatened to tear the place down, again, if she wasn't happy. Just shook her head slightly and told me that maybe, in another life, our chances would be better.
Each year the memory of her, or my delusion of her, fades a little. So that I can't help but wonder how long it will take to be enough. Until I can watch her be happy, to get the rest she deserved. Instead of waiting to prove that I get to play even less of a part now that she's dead, than I did while she was alive.
Until enough centuries pass that I can think about her without feeling that same numb-shock of pain that I did when I first found out. I'll wait a little longer, still.