Prying Ears Author Notes by Odocoileus
It has come to my attention that the Jane and the Dragon programming in the USA is censored. Scenes depicting farts are not broadcasted, as well as a whole episode revolving around a dung fight does not air in America. In honor of this blue humor I have been motivated to write and contribute this story with a plot element of farting.
Edits made December 2008 are to integrate chapter II and to change the primary location from a large tower to stable, so as to be consistent with the castle layout.
"Jane and the Dragon" is the property of Martin Baynton and Weta Limited.
Chapter 1
Jane is spending a night in the stables with Dragon by an order of the king.
It is evening and Jane is in bed, no hearth fire nor candle light makes the stable dark. The stable door is wide open and the shutters are likewise open. A cloaked figure enters. It approaches Jane and hovers over her then the figure backs away and turns.
Jane Yells in her most intimidating voice. "Who goes there?!"
"It . . . it is just me Jane, I am sorry for disrupting you." Says a little feminine voice
Jane responds in a quizzical voice "Pepper? Is that you?"
Pepper admits in a whisper "Yes, maybe I should go, we can talk later."
"No stay . . . I know it violates rules to keep civilian company, but I can not ignore you."
"I am in you dept, Jane" remarks Pepper
"Do not feel that way, I can use the company." Jane says as she raises from her bed to give Pepper room to sit.
Pepper sits down and hangs her head as she stares at her feet.
"Pepper is something bothering you?" asks Jane with sympathy
"Yes, but I do not know if I should bother you with it."States Pepper
"You know that I am always glad to be your council" asserts Jane
"You are so kind Jane, I can always trust you." Pepper says with affection
Jane is silent, she waits for Pepper to talk
"Jane, do you think I am . . . That I am ugly." says Pepper with a quiver in her voice.
"No, no no, why would you think that."Jane says with suprise
"Earlier today while cooking, Rake handed me a basket and our hands touched." admits Pepper
"So" says Jane
"So I grasped his hand ever so slightly and he pulled away" Says Pepper as she cover her face
"Oh do not let that make you sad, boys are just that way." professes Jane "He would have been that with anybody"
"If you want my advice," Interrupts Dragon "I should take you hostage and Rake will have to come to rescue you, it is a classic story."
"Dragon!" Pepper says in a raised voice "Why is he in here?"
Jane interjects as she scolds Dragon "Dragon hush up, no one asked you and that is a terrible idea."
"Oh did I scare you?" Dragon asks Pepper "I can hear your heart pound so. I believe I can even hear you sweat from the start that I gave you."
Jane says "Do not mind him. If he is not telling us how much better he is than us short-lives, he is asking questions so he can conclude how much better he thinks he is."
"Why is Dragon inside the stable?" asks Pepper
"This is the largest place in the castle where he can fit, but it is still quite a tight fit, so that is why my bed is so close to the door." States Jane
Pepper asks "So why is he here?"
"The king has entrusted him with the honor of being my personal guardian." Says Jane
"Why do you need a guardian?"responds Pepper
"I do not, but the king is entertaining foreign guests and he does not want Dragon to do his usual disruptive habits." Jane utters
Pepper hesitantly states "Habits?"
Dragon raises a leg and lets out a massive fart.
"NO!" exclaims Jane and Pepper in unison.
"Oh, that one was a bit wet." Dragon says with pride
Jane protests "Oh the smell, Dragon I must start setting some rules for you. First rule being that you shall do all your body functions outside. Second rule, talk in hushed tones while inside. Third and finally . . ."
Dragon interrupts "Do you want me to go mediaeval on you?"
"What does that mean?" Jane asks in a cross tone
Dragon replies "I just made it up, it means to 'treat you like royalty'"
"That will never catch on."
"What do you short lives know about catchy sayings?" States Dragon with a dejected tone.
Jane resumes what she started "Well as I was saying, thirdly, I hear-by relieve you of your guard duty"
Dragon responds "That is not all that I have been relieved of this night"
Jane replies through her choking voice "Ha ha, very funny. But it is not that, as much as you where not doing your duty. You should have warned me of an intruder."
"I saw her when she entered. I would have roasted her but she might have caught you on fire too . . . also she is a girl." Dragon admits
Sir Theodore comes to the open door with a torch that breaks the darkness.
Sir Theodore speaks "Squire Jane, your door is wide open . . ."
Before he can finish his words, Sir Theodore is repulsed by the smell. He turns away before he can see Pepper.
"Oh the stench, it knocks the wind out of me" exclaims Sir Theodore
Jane whispers to Dragon "Your guard duty has been honorably reinstated, carry on my brave sentry."
"I am glad to hear that because I am about to violate rule one again." Dragon says as he farts a second time.
Jane and Pepper jump from the bed and sprint outside. Jane positions herself in front of Sir Theodore, blocking his view. Pepper sneaks by and hides in a topiary.
Jane says in a rigid military tone "My apologizes for the odors in my quarters, Sir Theodore. As you know Dragon is my charge this night so that he does not disrupt the king's social."
"Quite, but he is disruptive of your rest." Exclaims Sir Theodore "Is there not some stable he may retire to?"
"Oh you know Dragon, should he be bored, he can be mischievous. I have been keeping him occupied." Explains Jane
Sir Theodore enters the stable.
"A bit of flame will dispatch your beast's malfeasances." Says Sir Theodore as he waves his torch around a bit.
Dragon asserts "Ha, you call that a flame?"
"NO!" Screams Jane "You are not to compare flames in here, nor anywhere. On behalf of Sir Theodore I trust he will concede that challenge to you."
"Yes, Dragon I shall not accept your flame challenge." Responds Sir Theodore "Nor would I try to out do your gaseous discharges."
"Wise choice short-life" Dragon says with malevolence.
Jane politely escorts Sir Theodore out of the stable.
"He should be fine till the marrow. It has been hours since he last ate." Maintains Jane
"Oh I have a lot more arrows in my quiver, if you know what I mean." Vows Dragon.
Jane whispers to Sir Theodore "So I will just keep the doors and shutters open."
"Squire Jane," Says Sir Theodore "It is your prerogative to choose this nocturnal company you keep, yet few would opt for such."
Dragon calls out from the stable "Funny that you should say that, Jane's company is more varied . . ."
Jane interrupts "Dragon! Sentries are silent!"
Dragon adds "but deadly"
"Yes they are, now if you can only be both at the same time." Says Jane in an irrate tone
"Yes, silent but deadly got it. Hmm . . ." Dragon utters to himself
"If you are thinking of that as new saying, it will not be remember either." Replies Jane
"Oh just wait, I may be well known for that too." Retorts Dragon
"Get your rest Squire Jane and ignore your scaly companion because knights must be vigilant." Expresses Sir Theodore.
"Yes Sir Theodore, I will take your advice under serious consideration." Declares Jane
"Carry on Squire Jane." Says Sir Theodore as he turns to leave.
Jane parts company with Sir Theodore and returns to her bed. As Sir Theodore walks away, Pepper comes out from hiding and re-enters the stable.
"Well you heard it, you are allowed to choose your nocturnal company." Contends Pepper.
"Yes but can you breathe fire?" Jane quips.
Dragon interrupts "I can"
"I was not speaking to you green lips." Jane exclaims
Dragon changes the subject "Pepper, do you like Rake?"
Pepper hesitates, "If he likes me."
"That is not what I asked. Do YOU like him?" Dragon states firmly
"I guess so" mumbles Pepper
"Do you guess that he likes you?" Dragon asks
"I do not know." Says Pepper in a more than usual timid voice.
"Dragon, where are you going with this?" Says Jane in an irritated tone
"Be patient, I have observed you short lives enough to have some ideas." Dragon says in a protestant tone
Jane interrupts again. "If this is your hostage idea, then I have to stop you now."
"Do not worry, I have done it before." Dragon says with surety
"Yes you took the prince. But this is different." Jane says
Dragon ignores Jane and addresses Pepper "So Pepper, if you are sure that Rake has feelings for you, you need to give him reason to risk his life for you."
"I can not let you continue should your plot meet with disaster . . ." Jane says then she is interrupted
"Do not worry, he just has to come to the cave to rescue Pepper" says Dragon "Then she will go to Rake and let him know that he passed the test."
"I still do not like it, if Rake does not rescue Pepper, then what?" asks Jane
Dragon counters with "If you do not want my advice then why did you ask?"
"I did not ask." Asserts Jane
"Oh, do you have a better idea?" exclaims Dragon
Jane admits "Well you are right about making Rake do something that shows his true self, wether it be for or against Pepper's affection."
Pepper interjects "Should he come here now and rescue me from this discussion, that would prove him to be brave and worthy."
Jane quips "A more brave feat would be for him to rescue you from Dragon's gaseous discharges."
"So you like my idea!" Proclaims dragon with joy
"Not entirely but it is a start." States Jane "A great romance has a story of bravery and sacrifice."
"So it is agreed that I take Pepper as hostage."
"No, that can only lead to your being banned from the castle at best" states Jane
"Jane . . ." says Dragon in a slow voice
"Yes . . . what is it" replies Jane with a hint of anger.
Jane prompts dragon to answer her again "So what is it that you want to say"
Dragon drifts off to sleep then begins to snore
Pepper exclaims "Oh no"
Jane inquires "The snoring"
Pepper replies "Yes, . . . well at least he has stopped talking."
Jane says in an apologetic tone "He talks in his sleep too."
Pepper suggests "Just do not have a conversation with him and you may get some sleep."
Jane nods in agreement
Minutes later Pepper detects a fresh odor and interrupts the silence "Does he pass gas all night long too."
"Yes"admits Jane
"So that is why the door is open." Says Pepper
"Yes, It is the only reason I am still alive, Pepper, It is the only reason I am still alive" concludes Jane.