Now for another incredibly random story from nowhere.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
If I knew Flash, I would make this into a film for you, until then, just pretend. It's better if you could get the song Third Season by AFI to listen to while Voldemort is singing, it makes it more real, and besides, it's a good song.
Chapter One
One day, Voldemort and his supporters were having a meeting when utter chaos broke out.
"Voldy, there are no more Death chips left!" Malfoy said, tipping the empty bag upside down to show that there were no more.
"You stupid moron!" Voldemort said, "I told you to get more when we were at the store, but what did you say? 'nooo, we don't need any more, we've got lots!'" the Dark lord mimicked.
"But that was before Crabbe went and ate them all!"
"Well, the stores are closed now, we'll just have to do without."
"I move that we reschedule the meetings to be within store hours," Bellatrix piped in, "that way, this disaster can be averted for the future. I didn't even get any chips, and they were my favorite. You know Ranch Death chips are my favorite!"
"I know Bella, I know."
"Does this mean the meeting is over? We are Death Eaters after all, how can we resume without death to eat?" Lucious said.
"No!" Voldemort said, "We have not come up with a 'foolproof' and dastardly plan to kill Potter!"
"But we do that every week!" Peter whined.
"What did I tell you about speaking during meetings Wormtail? No, we will sit here until we think of a plan!"
Peter looked ashamed and the rest fell into a deep silence while they thought. After about fifteen minutes, Voldemort spoke.
"Anyone have an idea?"
Everyone shook their heads.
"Damn! I have an idea, we'll go around and you each say the first thing that pops into your head. Maybe then we'll think of something."
"Do we really need to have us say it out loud? I mean, it's not like he couldn't just break into our heads and find out." Lucius muttered to Bellatrix.
"Alright, Bella, you first."
"Potato."
"You're not exactly helping Bella. Rodolphus?"
"Ducks."
"yesss… we'll kill Potter by pelting him with potatoes and then having ducks peck him to death." Voldemort said sarcastically, "Macnair."
"purple." he said apologetically.
"you lot are so useless. Lucius, did it ever occur to you that if you added an s to your name, you could be luscious?"
"In fact it has."
"What have you thought of?"
"That's what I was thinking, my lord."
Voldemort got up from his chair and started to pace.
"Does anyone have anything that will help us!"
There was silence, except for Peter, who seemed to have had an idea and was bobbing up and down in his chair, hand in the air. Voldemort ignored him.
"Well, there is only one thing to be done. We will have to sing!" Voldemort said and flicked his wand. Music filled the room.
Third Season, AFI
Voldy: "Can you feel the pulse?
Can you feel the heat rising from below?
Can you feel the energy gaining strength, oh so slowly?
But I'll wait… I'll wait…
Till the seasons change
I'll wait…
I'll wait…
Till the fall comes."
The other Death Eaters, at this time, started to dance and sing backup. They formed a line and sang along, kicking in time to the beat.
Death Eaters: "hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"
Voldy: "whooaaah! And I say, I'll give you nothing but a mirthless laugh. Whooaaaaah!
Can you see the signs?
Can you see the changing of the winds?
Can you sense the stillness in the air?
Calm will remain…oh so shortly.
But I'll wait…
I'll wait
Till the seasons change
I'll wait
I'll wait
Till the fall comes…"
Death Eaters: "hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"
Voldy: "whoooaaah! And I say, I'll give you nothing but a mirthless laugh. Whooooaaaaah! And I said, it's gonna take you by
Gonna take you by
Gonna take you by surprise as it rises!
Gonna take you by
Gonna take you by
Gonna take you by surprise as it rises."
Death Eaters: "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!"
Voldy: "whooooahhh and I said, I'll give you nothing but a mirthless laugh
Whoooooahh."
Voldemort started to get carried away, spinning around with his wand out, not noticing that he was continuously killing his followers as he spun.
Voldy: "whoooah, whoooah, gonna take you by surprise whoooah, whoooah, whoooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhooo!"
The song ended, and Voldemort was alone in the room, Death Eaters scattered about the floor, all of them dead.
"This always happens! Now I will have to find some new minions!" Voldemort whined and walked off.
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Meanwhile, The Order was gathered around the television, trying to decide what to watch. Finally, Dumbledore decided on a channel.
American Idol Music
Ryan Seacrest appeared in front of TV cameras, looking nervous.
"Hello, and welcome to the first season of Death Eater Idol, I'm your host Ryan Seacrest. Now you may ask yourself, 'what is this all about?' Well, Voldemort accidentally killed all his cronies, so now he is holding a talent search to find some more. As you can see behind me, tens of people have lined up to be the next Death Eater Idol, but before they can be accepted, they must pass a personal interview with the man himself, Tom Riddle. Let's watch."
Voldemort came up next to Ryan. "DON'T CALL ME TOM! AVADA KEDAVRA!" he yelled, and killed Ryan.
"Ugh, change the channel!" Remus said, "I can't stand these 'reality' shows."
"But I want to see what happens! I'm the head of the Order, and I say what we watch." Dumbledore said stubbornly, turning up the volume.
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David Suzuki walked into the interview room and stood on the Dark Mark painted on the floor.
"Who are you?" Voldemort asked.
"David Suzuki"
"And what do you do?"
"I'm an environmentalist with my own TV show, "The Nature of Things with David Suzuki" on the CBC."
"Uh, that doesn't sound very evil."
"But it is, I bore people to death every single week. And," David lowered his voice and looks around to see that no one is watching, "I eat babies!"
"You're on to the next round, but there will be no baby eating."
"Fine!"
Voldemort held out a green ticket, which David took and walked out. A few more contestants came through, all of whom are rejected. Snape comes in.
"Dammit Severus, would you just pick a side already!" Voldemort said
"I have, I want to be a Death Eater again."
"That's what you said last time,"
"I know, but this time I mean it, Dumbledore ate all my cockroach cluster. That was the last straw."
"Alright, you get one more chance, but only because you're the only one who eats cockroach cluster and since you left, they've been piling up from all those variety bags we buy."
Snape walked out with his ticket. Harry Potter came in a few minutes later.
"Potter, what the hell are you doing here?"
"I want to be a Death Eater!"
Voldemort heaved an exasperated sigh, "Harry, we're trying to kill you, you can't be a Death Eater."
"Oh right, I, uh, forgot. I'll just be leaving then." Harry backed away and out the door. A moment later, he popped his head back in.
"So this means I'm not on to the next round?"
Voldemort sent a curse at Harry. Harry left.
After a few more nameless nobodies, Oprah came in. Voldemort gave a little shriek.
"Oh my god, Oprah, I'm your biggest fan!" Voldemort gushed, "I'm where I am today because of you."
Voldemort hugs Oprah. "You're in!"
commercial break
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"Looks like you were a bit off, Professor." Harry said to Dumbledore.
"Here I was thinking Voldemort is the way he is because of his troubled childhood, lust for power and destroyed soul. Meh." Dumbledore said.
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end commercial break
In walked a man decked out with a white, glittering jumpsuit and large, gold sunglasses.
"And you are?" Voldemort asked.
"Why, I'm Elvis." the man replied.
"But Elvis is dead. And a Muggle. You don't qualify, goodbye."
"What do you mean 'goodbye'?"
"I mean, you lose, go home!"
"Oh yeah well, censored your censored censored censored!" the Elvis said, making obscene hand gestures.
"You swear like a trucker, I like that!" Voldemort said.
"Really?" the Elvis said coyly.
"Yeah, I've changed my mind, you're in"
"Well maybe I don't want to be in your censored show!" the Elvis screamed and stomped out. Voldemort sent a curse after him.
Then a very large thing entered wearing black robes and a mask.
"Who or what are you?"
"My name is, um, Arney." the black-clad stranger said, obviously trying to disguise his voice.
"Take off your mask!" Voldemort demanded.
Slowly, the stranger removed his mask to reveal that he was a large, purple dinosaur. Voldemort was rendered speechless.
"My name is Barney."
"Can you do magic?"
"Yes."
"Can you be vicious?"
Barney muttered something.
"What?" Voldemort said.
"No."
"Then you can't be a Death Eater."
Barney wiggled in an agitated sort of way. Then he used his magic to put a fireman costume on Voldemort.
"Take that!" he said angrily and stomped off, bowling Arnold Schwarzenegger over.
"I'm Ahnold, feah me!" Arnold said, standing on the Dark Mark.
"So, tell me about yourself Ahnold."
"I'm da govnah of Caulifornia, you girly man."
"Uh, that's nice. So, what are your views on Mudbloods and Muggles?"
"I think they should all be terminated!"
"Very good, very good. Which is your favorite curse and why?"
"I like da Imperius Curse. How else do you think I got to be govnah?"
"You're in!"
commercial break
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"so who d'you want to win? The swearing Elvis or that environmentalist?" Dumbledore asked Remus.
"I don't care, this show is stupid." Remus retorted, crossing his arms.
"I wish the purple dinosaur had gotten through" Moody cut in.
"Has it occurred to anyone that maybe we should be putting a stop to this. You know, seeing as we ARE the Anti-Voldemort group. We should be stopping him from gathering minions."
"Shut up Remus, the commercials are over."
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end commercial break
"That's the end of the show for this week." Ben Mulroney said. With Ryan Seacrest gone, they'd had to resort to the talentless host of Canadian Idol. "Make sure you watch next week when our finalists go to the secret Death Eater hideout for the second round of auditions."
end music plays and credits roll
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"It's over! I thought it was supposed to be on for an hour!" Dumbledore whined.
"If you'd bothered to look at the schedule, you'd know that 'Pimp My Broomstick' is on next." Kingsley Shacklebolt said, "Followed by 'Survivor-Magic-Free Edition' and 'Desperate House Elves'"
"Ooh, I was hoping 'Desperate House Elves' would be on tonight."
"Are we not going to do some, you know, evil stopping?" Harry asked, taking up the TV schedule.
"Finally, someone who isn't addicted to TV." Remus said, relieved.
"No wait, CSI Hogsmead is on at ten, can't miss that."
Remus groaned.