Tittle - Curiouser and Curiouser
Author - Sara Lou
Rating - G
Genre - Humour/Fluff/Completely ubernut crazy territory.
Summary - I was surfin around, I found some challenges which seemed so weird, I just had to try and in doing so...well this came out. Not one of my favourite pieces of writing, but the muse took up a lot of my time making me write this so I thought I least owe it too all to put it out there.
Warnings - Well please note upon reading, you are entering Oz at a different entrance and high state of velocity, please stay in the vehicle until it has come to a complete rest. Then run for your dear lives
Disclaimer - In the sarcastic tones of Jack O'Neill "Oh yes, of course I own them" Duh...!
The Challenge -
1. A watermelon seed spitting contest between Apophis and someone else.
2. The phrase, "I've got a ducky in my hand and I can't get the door open!"
3. Teal'c taking gymnastic lessons!
4. Two people arguing about the pronunciation of 'potato' (you say po-TAY-to, I say po-TAH-to kinda thing)
The Product - Read On
Curiouser and Curiouser
"What the hell are they doing?" asked Col O'Neill, completely bewildered by the sight going on beneath where he and the rest of SG-1 had hidden themselves.
The Tok'ra, along with SG-5 had been doing a simple recon mission on the planet and had dicovered the large temple partly built into large cliffs which seemed to make up most of the planets structure itself. A Tok'ra had manged to infiltrate himself into the temple and had discovered several of key goa'ulds were in residence there, and a severe lack of Jaffa security. The party had returned to the SGC with the information and after a long winded briefing which Jack had hardly folowed, SG-1 had been ordered to return with SG-5 and check it out.
And so after they had managed to infiltrate themselves into the large encompassing structure of the temple, which Daniel had noted was possibly Aztec but he couldn't be sure until he checked out the inlay, they had hidden themselves on a balcony of some sort overlooking a large hall of some kind. The Goa'uld sat in various places on the outer edge of the hall, whilst servants set out a table at the far end away from SG-1.
"Looks slightly familiar" said Daniel, memories of the summit he had infiltrated as Yu's servant swamped his head at the scene beneath him.
It was puzzling as to why there was a lack of Jaffa on the premises. They had found it relatively easy to infiltrate the temple. Teal'c was as perturbed about the fact as the others.
"Perhaps we should explore further O'Neill"
"Yeah, perhaps." Replied Jack with a whisper "Carter why don't you and T..."
His words filtered away as two familiar Goa'uld stood and approached the far end of the room where the servants had set up the long table with large fruit. Below them another servant placed two large copper pots directly opposite where the two system Lords stood. SG-1 watched with hushed breaths as Baal and Apophis picked up long serated knife like instruments and cut the fruit down their middle, and then quartered them.
"Sir?" asked Sam, wondering if he was going to continue with his order, although she too was interested in the spectacle below.
"Nevermind" replied Jack, leaning forward a little as Baal and Aphophis picked up a quarter of the fruit and rounded the table as Morrigan and Osiris approached the table and followed by example, picking up fruit and standing by Apophis and Baal.
The servant below them bowed slightly before stepping to one side. Some of the system lords sitting leaned forward in their seats, some stood and the hall filled with anticipation as the four standing at the head of the hall lifted the fruit to their lips.
Four mouths above fell open as the scene unfolded. Baal was the first to purse his lips and send one small pip flying through the air. As the pip left his lips, the Goa'uld spectating started shouting with gumption, calling out the names of their choice either Baal or Aphophis. Within seconds the air was filled with shouting as pips flew in the general direction of SG-1 but landing beneath them either in the copper pots below or on the floor beside them. Morrigan and Osiris also spat pips, Morrigan into Baal's copper pot and Osiris to Apophis's.
Jack signalled for the team top fall back, not truly wanting to leave but sensing a danger that if anyone looking in their general direction happened to lift their eyes a little further they would be discovered. Silence reigned between the group as they stood in a long empty hallway, muffled shouts could be heard coming through the doorway that led to the balcony.
Jack eyed his team, who looked a little bewildered. Teal'c kept glanicng towards the door and looked as if he wanted to enter it again, if only to ascertain that what he had just seen was indeed real. Carter seemed intent on checking the clip keeping her gun attached to her person. He glanced at Daniel, who looked over to him before lowering his eyes to the ground and lifting a hand to his lips. Jack frowned and looked back over to Carter who was still fiddling with the clasp but this time he spotted the smile she was fighting to keep forming on her lips. Just then a large snort like sound came from Daniel and Sam was shoved with playful force and they both descended into laughter.
Jack rolled his eyes and Teal'c raised his eyebrow a little further.
"Anyone care to explain what the hell is going on in there? T, you got anything on this?" asked Jack, giving both Daniel and Sam a look of disdain, who were trying without much luck to control themselves.
"I am unable to give you and explanation O'Neill. I have never come across this before" replied Teal'c in all honesty. He failed to see the humour of the sitution Major Carter and Daniel Jackson had apprently found but then earth humour stil evaded him at certain times.
"Sort of looked like a pip spitting contest to me" piped in Daniel, trying not to laugh as Jack eyed him with a serious glare.
"That strike you as odd?" asked Jack in as serious tone as he could muster, he could see the funny side of the situation but didn't want to get sidetracked by that when they were in what could potentially be a Goa'uld stronghold.
"No Jack, not odd at all" replied Daniel sarcastically
Teal'c motioned for silence and looked into the darkness of the corridor ahead.
"Someone approches"
They retreated into another room by the blacony they had ascertained before was empty. Jack and Teal'c took up postion by the door as Carter and Daniel took up defensive positions behind them. Jack held the door open slightly and watched with baited breath as a servant passed them and object in hand, followed by Apophis and Osiris. The team waited until the footsteps died down along the corridor before Jack silently signalled for the team to follow slowly along the corridor.
They passed stealthily along the corridor, weapons raised defensively, as the corridor rounded the heard voices talking. When they had first entered the temple, a quick recon had told them this corridor led to large double doors which they had been unable to open. Jack edged his head round the slight corner of the hall towards the doors, and saw the three standing at the doors. The servant raised a hand and banged loudly on the door three times. A muffled voice came from beyond the door and the servants stepped to the side and handed Apophis the object they held. Aphophis then stood forward and rapped on the door once more. Again the voice spoke from inside the confines of wherever the door led. Jack could hear the muffled snorts of laughter from behind him as Apophis spoke.
"I've got a ducky in my hand and I can't get the door open!"
The doors swung open and Apophis and Osiris walked through, the servant stood until the doors closed and turned. Jack waved a hand and they retreated into another empty room, closing the door just as the servant hurried past.
"Ok what the hell is going on?" asked Jack to his team, who looked at him wondering why he was asking them.
"Why don't we go find out?" asked Daniel, sliding to a crouch leaning back on the wall behind him
"How do you propse we do that?" replied Jack, closing the door properly and looking down at him.
"We could go knock on the door"
"Daniel need I remind you we are surrounded by Goa'uld. Not just any goa'uld Daniel, system lord goa'ulds"
"Yes but there aren't any jaffa around, we could take them."
"Are you on a suicide mission or something Daniel?" asked Jack with slight exasperation at his friends attitude to the whole missions proceedings.
"Danieljackson is correct O'Neill. We may find out more or what is going on here if we go beyond those doors"
"Carter please tell me I'm not the only one thinking this is a bad idea"
Sam lowered her eyes from his to Daniels. Why did she have to be the decider here, be loyal to her CO or follow her instincts and curiosity with her partner in crime Daniel. Shrugging her shoulders she looked back at Jack.
"Sorry Sir"
She cringed as Jack scowled first to her and then to Teal'c and Daniel.
"Fine, guess we're exploring Oz a little more. But I swear, we meet flying monkeys, I'm blaming you two"
He eyed Daniel and Sam with what he hoped was a stern look and led the way back into the hallway, scanning the area quickly before approaching the large doors. He looked over his shoulder to see the rest of SG-1 watching intently. He sighed shook his head mumbling about the things a CO does for his team and knocked on the door three times like the servant had. The voice answered.
"Password"
"Password?" whispered Jack. He turned to the expectant faces, and Daniel motioned to the door again mouthing something about a ducky.
"You gotta be kidding me" he grumbled and knocked on the door once more.
"Password" replied the voice from beyond.
Jack took a breath and knew if this got back to the SGC he would never live it down. With a roll of his eyes to sky he spoke to the door.
"I've got a ducky in my hand and can't get the door open"
The doors instantly swung open revealing another large room. Jack raised his weapon as a head appeared beyond the door waiting for them to pass through. Jack decided they had dug themselves in this deep what was the harm in a few more spadefuls. With that he stepped forward followed by the rest of the team.
Jack raised his weapon and quickly surveyed the room, as Carter checked behind the door. Both seemed empty. Which Jack found very disconcerting, still he rolled his eyes and decided there was no going back and led the team further into the room. It was a high celinged hall of some sort, with balconies overlooking it much like the one they had just been surveying into. Except there were no chairs, tables, or goa'ulds. And no other doors. Jack frowned and studied the floor for any tell tale signs of ring transports, there were none.
"Carter?"
"I got nothing Sir" she replied quickly in response to the 'tell me you have an explanation' tone.
"Who are you"
The team jumped and all of them swung weapons in opposite directions arpund the room, looking for the body to go with the voice. There was still no-one to be seen, but it sounded eerily like a goa'uld's.
"I asked who are you?" came the voice again
"We are a team named SG-1 of..."
"Of the Tauri...Wow no kidding so you're the guys causing pain in the miktas across the goa'uld systems"
Jack wondered at the voice, it seemed impressed to have met them.
"And you are?" asked Jack to the voice
"Did you bring the ducky?" aksed the voice, ignoring the question
"We don't have a ducky" replied Daniel, receiving a scowl from Jack. Daniel shurgged his shoulders in response to the scowl, best to be honest from the start.
"But you knew the password, you said you had a ducky"
"What is this Ducky you speak of?" asked Teal'c
"A Ducky is what will get you out of here" replied the voice, it didn't seem too pleased to know they have decived him into opening the doors to them.
"Well we don't need a Ducky to get out of here, we'll just leave the way we came"
"Yeah right" said the voice, Jack could have swore under it's breath, if it had breath.
"Give me my Ducky" replied the voice, sounding nonchalant.
Jack shrugged his shoulders, shook his head and cast his eyes back to the others in hopes they would have answer. Blank faces looked back, before Daniel stepped forward.
"Please, you have to understand, we don't know what a Ducky is" Daniel spoke to the room
"A ducky is the key for your departure" said the voice
"Well could we offer something else to you?" asked Daniel
"Like what?"
As Daniel spoke, Sam became aware of something glinting in the far corner of the room. She slowly approached, keeping to the wall, weapon slighly raised, as she approached she realised where they had thought the wall was smooth was infact a long groove going up vertically. The slight glint was midway up the wall, giving away the fact it was a latch system of a door.
"What would you like?" asked Daniel, eyeing Sam and wondering what she was doing. Jack followed her closely, quietly approaching the opposite side of the hidden door as Teal'c stood in front of it. Sam managed to wedge her finger into the groove and open it a little more, after a moment it swung silently open.
Teal'c raised a brow and Daniel stopped mid sentence, explaining candy bars to the voice, seeing inside the small room the door had enclosed. Jack and Sam frowned at their faces and rounded the door frame to see what the others were seeing.
"What the...?" asked Jack in surprise, finding a small potbellied man sitting at a desk full of thingymagigs and a microphone.
"Whoa" the man, eyeing the group, promptly fell backwards off the stool he was a sat atop of.
"I'm...I'm" mumbled the man, standing and brushing himself down,
"You say your name is OZ, I swear I will shoot you" said Jack, pointing his gun at the man. "What the hell is going on here, and who the hell are you?"
"I am Toby" replied the man "The keeper of the games"
"The who?" replied Daniel, puzzled
"The keeper of the games"
"You mean what the goa'uld are up to in that other room?"
"Yes" replied Toby "When they win a game, they are presented with Duckys. They bring the duckys here for safe keeping. When the games are over, the duckys are counted and whoever has the most duckys is hailed leader of the system lords"
"Your kidding right?" asked Sam in disbelief
"No no, only you do not understand they do not know of me. They enter, leave their duckys and leave via another doorway I open for them. They do not know who the keeper of the games is"
"But the system lords are forever battling, I didn't even know they had leaders" said Daniel, a little bewildered himself.
"Every year, there is a large banquet held, usually in the upmost of secrecy...which is why I was surprised when you entered the chamber. At this time everything is at peace, they will usually start up new alliences with each other. They discuss their past, exchange stories of victoires and losses, usally at another system lords hands. And then the games begin again, after the four days of the games has ended, the duckys are counted, the goa'uld celebrate who goes forth as the leader of the system lords and then everything goes back to the way it was."
"Anyone feel they've walked into a episode of the twilight zone" asked Jack
"Me"
"Me"
"As do I O'Neill"
Before anyone could continue the strange conversation, three dull thuds could be heard inside the chamber.
"You must leave"
Toby scooted towards Sam and pushed her towards the door, who in turn ran into the Colonel as Daniel was pulled along by his arm which Toby had also dragged. Teal'c followed until they were standing outside the small room.
"Please hurry" said Toby, stepping back into the room, "I shall open the door for you to leave, follow the corridor along, there are two doors at the end, take the left, it wil take you safely outside, please go"
"Hey wait," Jack started as Toby pulled the door shut, this time , it melded perfectly with the wall.
The dull thuds resounded once more. The team jumped and spun around, a door opened at the oppostie end to them leading into a long dimly lit corridor extending beyond. A voice thundered into the room.
"Password?"
Jack motined for the team to head for the door as voices came from the entrance into the large hall.
"I've got a ducky in my hand and can't get the door open"
The team reached the door and scooted through in time for it to close as they heard the other open. Running along the corridor which seemed endless, Jack knew he needed to get the team out of sight before it opened up again.
"Where the hell is the end to this thing?" he hissed, the dim lights giving no clue as to how far the corridor went. No other doors were present, just the long narrow wals leading their way.
"I think I see it up ahead" replied Daniel, who was ahead of the others.
"Lets go people" shouted Jack
Two doors loomed up to them, as they approached the end, and Daniel automatically headed left, grasping at the handle, quicly turning it. They all squinted as the light shone into their eyes as they stepped into the open air outside the temple. Sam quickly closed the door behind them as Teal'c and Jack made a quick sweep of the immediate area.
"Colonel Edwards come in" Jack barked into his radio as they all stood and got their breath back
"Edwards here" came back the crackled reply
"Report"
"Area still clean Colonel" replied Edwards "There's been no sign of the Goa'uld or jaffa in the immediate area surrounding the gate."
"Yeah well get ready to dial the gate, were heading back"
"Understood, Edwards out"
The radio clicked for a moment, as Jack started heading around the temple cautiously. The teram followed, Sam took position beside him.
"Sir you do realise what an oppurtunity we have here"
"Carter?" asked Jack, trying to sum up the best direction to go, the undergrowth seemed quite thick this end of the temple and he wondered whether they should back track and go the other way.
"Sir, we have all the system lords resident under one roof, with hardly any security. It's a perfect oppurtunity to take them out"
Jack paused and turned, heading the other way.
"Carter don't you find it a little bit weird that there is hardly any security?" repied Jack, gaining confused looks from the team as he headed back the way they had just came from.
"Yes Sir" agreed Carter "But still..."
"Carter if the sytem lords think they are so safe here, they have no need for Jaffa at every corner, then its safe to say, it's doubtful we could do anything"
"We have the element of surprise. They don't know we know about them"
"We don't know that, how do you know they haven't been watching us this whole time? Or that the jaffa are here, just hidden away somewhere, ready to spring out if any danger is detected"
"Sir..."
"Look Carter, I know what your getting at and I agree...it is a perfect oppurtunity and one I would gladly have taken up if we had more recon on this place. But we don't, and theres a lot more questions than answers we have one this. I do suggest however that we come back in say a week and try and talk to that Toby guy again"
"A week?" asked Daniel, getting into the conversation as they headed up an embankment away from the temple, towards the path that led to the gate.
"Toby said the 'games' went on for four days, I think its safe to say we give them a few days to finish off, clear up and clear off. We come back and talk to him, get some re-con, see what we can do, once we have all the information. Plus wouldn't you like to check this place out, without any worries of a goa'uld walking in on you"
"Well yes but..."
"No more buts people, unless its in reference to getting ours home"
Soon enough and undisturbed by anyone, they arrived back at the gate. As Edwards had reported, there was no sign of Jaffa or Goa'uld or any other threat at the gate. One of SG-5 dialled the gate as Edwards asked Jack for details.
"Lets just keep it till the briefing" replied Jack "Or else things could become very confusin"
"Colonel?" asked Edwards confused as the gate engaged behind them
"Trust me" replied Jack, heading up the steps to the gate
After a quick medical exam for both teams upon arrival back at the base, they went on to what tunred out to be a longer briefing with the General than what was expected. Mainly because people kept asking questions about these so called 'games' Toby had spoken of. It took SG-1 a while to explain they hadn't had a chance to g4et details of it all themselves. Towards the end of the briefing, Jack suggested his idea to the General about retunrning once the threat of the Goa'uld and their forces were out of the way. The General agreed to think about it and would inform them later about his descision.
"Well people if that is everything" General Hammond took a pause before continuing "Then you're dismissed. SG-1 I believe your on a three day downtime, SG-5 your scheduled for a briefing tommorow 09.00hrs"
With that he stood and exited to his quarters. After a moment everyone dispersed to their quarters or offices. SG-1 made their way slowly towards the locker rooms.
"So what are your plans kids?" asked Jack to the group
"I am scheduled for a class in one hour" replied Teal'c as Jack swiped his card for the elevator
"You still going to those things?" asked Jack as they stepped through the opening doors
"Indeed, I have been told I am improving in my technique" replied Teal'c
"I just can't imagine you dancing around a mat waving a ribbon" said Jack with a shrug
Sam and Daniel stifled giggles at this remark.
"Sir, mens gymnastics is completely different to womans. For one they don't have to do a dance routine"
"Yeah but still"
"We should go along and watch" piped in Daniel, willing to support Teal'c in his new found hobby.
"I'm not so sure" squirmed Jack slightly not wanting to hurt Tealcs feelings but finding the prospect of Teal'c in lycra a sight he could certainly do without seeing.
"Spectators are not allowed in training sessions" replied Teal'c oblivious to Jacks slight discomfort.
"Well enjoy buddy" said Jack, as the elevator opened and they headed for the lockers "What about you two?"
"Quick change, then I'm meeting Janet and heading for the mall"
"Fun" replied Jack sarcastically as Sam left them for the ladies locker room
"Catch you guys later" said Sam before dissappearing through the door.
"Daniel?"
"No plans, I'm dropping Teal'c off at the gym then heading home"
"You guys want to get together later, my place tonight open house. Beer, poker, snacks"
"Sure" replied Daniel "Teal'c want me to pick you up after your session"
"Thankyou Danieljackson" Teal'c agreed as he bowed his head slightly in response.
Sam waswaiting once more at the elevator when she heard the arguing voices of Daniel and Jack heading towards her. Teal'c arrived by her side, giving her a raised brow at the two's antics.
"I'm telling you Daniel they pronounce it po tay toh"
"And I'm telling you they pronounce it po tay tah"
"Po tay toh"
"Po tay tah"
"I'm not even going to ask" said Sam to Teal'c who gave her a look which said 'good idea'
"Hey Carter, my place tongith open house, bring the doc. Daniel and Teal'c are heading over too"
"Sounds fun, thanks Sir"
The elevator closed to the sounds of two grown men in an argument of 'po tay toh' 'po tay tah'