Disclaimer: I do not own D. Gray Man.
A/N: I suddenly had an impulse to write something about Lavi and Lenalee so please enjoy this.
Summary: All Lavi needed was a little love, but Lenalee shows him how much love he already have. Lavi x Lenalee
"Why are you pushing us away? What are you despairing for?"
The question hung in his mind for ages. Lavi could not decipher the hidden meaning behind the question, if it even had any. He didn't want to think it shallowly because the answer would be too obvious, too unrecognizable. It would not be from Lavi, but it would be from within his heart, somewhere a Bookman should not enter and something he should not possess.
His eyes were glued to the ceiling as he lay on his soft and warm bed. It had been ages since he slept on it despite it being his rightful possession until he die. He glanced listlessly over at the floor strewn carelessly with books. Lavi knew they needed to be handled delicately because they were of a wise hundred – or even a thousand and beyond – years old. But he didn't care. Why should he, when their values are so much higher than his existence? He had every right to be jealous of the books, every right to mistreat them if he wants to. But he knew the consequence he would have to suffer from the current Bookman, the old panda who is heartless but full of feelings. But he would never show it, because a Bookman have no right to.
Lavi closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. The smell of the room was nostalgia to the happy times he had spent with everyone, especially Allen and Kanda, and a very special girl he had held dear to his heart ever since she revealed her darkest and impulsive thought about the order and the exorcist's lives.
"After all, we are just weapons for the order."
He wanted an identity besides being a Bookman. He wanted to be the real Lavi he was. He wanted peace for all. He wanted love.
There was a knock on his door but Lavi ignored it. He covered his head with the pillow to block out the sound, hoping whoever it was would go away when they registered to the fact that he wasn't in.
"Lavi, I know you're inside. Open the door." The feminine voice Lavi recognized so well sounded in his ears. He loosened his grip on the pillow and think quickly. Should he let her in? He wanted to, but he knew he shouldn't, mustn't. Letting her in would mean letting his years of training becoming a Bookman go to waste. She would touch his heart and he can never be a Bookman.
The doorknob moved and the door opened. Lavi stared in shock as the green-haired girl welcomed herself into the room without any invitation or permission.
"You didn't lock the door." Lenalee gave a small smile and closed the door behind her.
"It's rude to enter the room without permission." Lavi faked a pout and turned away.
"I made you warm cocoa." Lenalee placed the mug with steaming chocolate on the table and stacked his book neatly on top of one another.
Lavi eyed the mug of cocoa like a child eyeing a candy. "Go ahead," Lenalee gestured towards it, "I made it for you. Take it as an apology."
The red-haired boy stopped in his tracks and backed away from the mug of chocolate. The sweet and rich aroma was tempting him, but the savaging of his pride and dignity was more important to him.
"I don't need an apology." Lavi collapsed onto the nearest chair. "You didn't say anything wrong. It was all facts, terrible facts. But they were facts and so they are true. You don't apologize for being truthful."
"But I was curt." Lenalee pointed out and walked towards Lavi and stood in front of him. "I should have…" She trailed off and Lavi knew why; she wouldn't know how to do it any other way to prove her point. "But why, Lavi," She asked on verge of tears. "Why do you keep pushing us away? You are more than a Bookman, you realized that when you were entrapped by Road. You are Lavi, yourself."
"It is a palpable thought to know how to feel." Lavi said. "I didn't want to because I have to feel pain too. It's difficult for me, especially when I viewed the world as ugly all my life, and feel all the pain that people go through in all of the histories."
Lavi didn't know how she managed but he knew his heart and soul was shattered the moment she embraced him in the warmth of her body, the genuine of her feelings and the earnest of her thoughts. They enveloped him and he realized he had longed for something, and for someone, for much too long.
"Lenalee," He placed his arms around her and buried his face in her neck. His sobs developed into cries and even more when Lenalee patted his head gently and soothed him with her genuineness.
"I love you, Lavi."
He widened his eyes and was shocked by her abrupt confession. His heart pounded against his ribcage and his cries ceased. He pulled away from Lenalee and stared at her with a tear-stained face. But the green-haired exorcist wiped his face affectionately and said, "I love you, Lavi. So don't push me away too." She embraced him again, more lovingly and gently this time as if he was a strong fragile child. "Please don't push me away ever again. Please." Her voice trembled as if she would cry as well.
"I won't, Lenalee." Lavi managed firmly.
I'm despairing for love.
But at last, I found it, in her.
A/N: Review? Pretty please with a cherry on top? :)