He felt his heartbeat quicken. His palms got sweaty and breathing become uncomfortable. He hated speaking in front of people. Even more, with the speech he was about to read from little piece of paper carefully hidden in his pocket. The whole room was waiting for him. Curious about what is he going to say. Concerned about his well-being, after their friend, cousin and daughter passed out.
Sheldon Lee Cooper usually spent long hours preparing and choosing carefully words for a speech, but this was not the occasion. He just sat behind his desk and, with careful handwriting, expressed things he thought he got rid of a long time ago. Feelings.
His friends looked worried as he stood up from the crowd and made his way to the dais in the front. He wasn't shaking, crying, or anything else. His face was stone - calm and emotionless. But his baby-blue eyes spoke differently.
"Hello. I am doctor Sheldon Lee Cooper. I have to stand and speak here because Leonard made me to." he stared at his best friend in the front line of the chairs with anger "As everyone else, I am obligated to say something about…" he took a deep breath and shut his eyes "…Amy Farrah Fowler, who passed away last week." Few sobs escaped from the crowd. Penny was leaning on Leonard´s shoulder and felt awfully sorry for Sheldon. They lost their friend, but he lost a human half of his heart.
No one expected this to happen. No one expected this to happen to Amy of all people. A successful neurobiologist, always careful with herself during work with fatal diseases, drug addicted monkeys and aggressive mice. With long-time car driving experience, she hadn´t noticed a truck with broken brakes coming her way. Simple, but awful car-crash, her front glass fell to little pieces. Truck pinned her inside the driver´s seat. Rushed to hospital, she was considered dead on arrival.
"Amy was my girlfriend. We had an Agreement and unique mind-connection lots of couples can only dream about. I always thought she was like me. Female Homo Novus. Equally smart as I am. She was the right person for me, I knew it. I have even forgiven her emotional quirks and insignificant demanding of physical affection. She was highly intelligent human being." He couldn't help, but smile a little. Sheldon would never admit it to her, but he was proud of his girlfriend. Her work, her successful experiments even they were in the field of biology. "But I was wrong."
"I was awfully wrong. For the first time in my life, I made a horrible mistake. I am ashamed because of it. Homo Novus is supposed to live forever. Highly intelligent creature, initiating its immortal life to science research. But she is dead now." Those words sounded like he split them out. Again, his audience shook under few sobs and crying noises. Amy´s family was quite silent, as he knew from his girlfriend´s stories, already used to members dying. The Fowlers seemed to be haunted, and he was blaming her surname for Amy´s passing.
"And I feel betrayed. She was supposed to be with me forever. She was supposed to stay by my side." He felt his voice shaking, walls breaking, but he fought the tears back and continued to speak. "And that's wrong, you know. People die every day, why should be her passing special for me? I will tell you why. She changed me. She prepared me for the day she´ll be gone and my life suddenly loses its meaning. Amy tricked me, made me feel. And I hate that." He made a pause ad lifted his eyes up to a sealing. He still felt the paper in his pocket, but somehow, he managed to spill out exactly same words that came up to his mind yesterday. But he was too afraid to express it in front of other people. Now, it just didn´t matter anymore.
"I hate you for that, Amy. Why weren´t you careful while driving? Why you selfishly left us down here, me having those damned feelings I can´t fight against. I honestly don´t believe in heaven, but I´m sure you hear my now. Why, Amy? Is it some kind of a joke? Stupid one it is, because nobody is laughing. You, you of all people just had to die." Tears begun to seek its way back to his eyes and he couldn´t push them back this time.
"But I will forgive you, I promise. I will do everything you want if you´ll come back to me. We can put up new, updated version of the Relationship Agreement. With as many icky things as you want. We can add cuddling, kissing, and even consider plans for marriage." His voice became softer, more quiet and sadder. "I will do anything that´ll bring you back to me." Sheldon gripped tightly on paper in his pocket and spoke again, out loud. "Amy Farrah Fowler was, and still is, a wonderful person. It was a great pleasure having her in my life." He finished, eyes burning with salty water. Then, before anyone could stop him, Sheldon rushed outside the room and ran away.
He sat in front of small coffee shop down the street. The place changed his life and it seemed like a great place for thinking. He still was not able to fully embrace the fact that she was gone. Tears just lost its value. He thought he would regret meeting her, but no. There were other things that were worth the regret. He never hold her hand with a coy smile as she wanted him to. He never gave her an intimate French kiss she asked for many times. He told himself that one day, he will be able to do it. They have a lifetime for it. But, oh, he was wrong again. Maybe it was Lord´s punishment for his ingratitude. Sheldon waited too long.
Science always has some other options and opportunities, but real life does not. He missed his chance. He failed timing for expressing his feelings. With tears in his eyes, he admitted the thing he regrets the most. Amy Farrah Fowler will never know how much Sheldon Lee Cooper loved her…