On The Brink of love
Chapter One: Insanity
"Hello, my love," Edward whispered softly. "Can I wash your feet for you?"
"Just shut up, you fucker," Bella screamed furiously. "I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!"
"I think I'm dilapidated today," Carlisle moaned piteously, walking into Edward's room unannounced. "I'm also dilatory and dallying. I'm diligent in dickering.
SO WHASSUP?"
"I don't really give a fuck!" Bella vociferated.
"Bella, my love, what has happened to you?" Edward sobbed. "You're not even yourself these days! I feel that I don't even know you anymore! But I still love you! I will! I truly will!" He completely broke down.
The door was smashed into a million splinters of sharp wood. Edward leapt in front of Bella.
"Whoever you are, stand back, or I'll kill you, I swear it on my mother's grave!"
Bella kicked Edward aside. Edward flew into the wall and smashed through it. A scream of fury echoed throughout the silenced room, emanating from Rosalie's room next door. Bella had a loaded machine gun aimed at the door.
It was Alice, covered in a combination of blood, cat fur, dirt, and an unidentifiable mush.
"Bella," she said dazedly, a crazed look in her eyes as she advanced menacingly on Carlisle. He backed away, tripping on the hem of his purple toga. "I went to Dolce and Gabbana. They had a half-off sale. I just bought a few things for you." She gestured to the doorway, which was completely blocked by a mountain of pink shopping bags.
Alice was slowly backing Carlisle into the corner of the room, where suddenly there was loud ripping noises, and shreds of purple fabric flew in the air behind her.
"NOOOOOOOO!!!" Carlisle shrieked in terror.
"Don't worry, Bella," Alice said. "After I'm through with you, you won't be able to recognize yourself in the mirror anymore." She giggled viciously.
"But—but—I—I'm n-not Bella….COOPERATION!!!!"
"I don't understand why you chose to put on that color of purple, Bella. That dress made you look sallow." Alice blurred over to the shopping bags, whisking out a babydoll. She pounced on "Bella", who had a terrified expression on "her" face.
"Just hold still, Bella. This will make it easier for both of us if you don't move."
"My own sister!" Edward cried, falling on his knees outside the shattered outline of his body in the wall. "Insane! She's gone insane! God help us all, she's—" He grabbed a razor and tried to slit his wrists. It shattered.
"I can't even have comfort in death! That reminds me of a song—" He started singing, "We are so young, our lives have just begun, but already we are considering escape from this world, and we've waited for so long, for this moment to come." He slowly rose to his feet, arms spread wide and eyes closed in rapture. "We're so anxious to be together, together in death, whoa! Won't you die tonight for love (baby join me in death) won't you die. Won't you die tonight for love (baby join me in death), won't you d—"
"FOR GOD'S F***ING SAKE!" Bella roared. The bullets rained through the room as she began shooting at him.
"What are you, Josh F***ing Groban?!?!"
Edward collapsed against the wall, clutching at his chest.
"What have I done to deserve this?" he whispered, gazing up at the ceiling, which had been almost completely blown away. "My own love, turned against me in the end. I can feel my life slipping away before my very eyes, see all the memories flashing by in a whirlwind of pain and anguish. No! no! I cannot survive this torment, ripping my frail body wide open. I am defenseless in its torrent of rage." He looked down at his fingers. "Any minute now I will see my life's blood slipping through my dying fingers."
"Will you shut the hell UP?" Bella snapped. "You're not dying, you asshole, you're a vampire!"
Edward looked stunned.
"Can it be true?" He gazed at Bella with adoring eyes. "Could it be true that I will survive this trial of death to live on through my short life with my one and only true love, whose beauty rivals that of the sun shining o'er the plains, the stars twinkling in the night sky, the moon beaming down in all her quiet radiance, the ocean washing upon the many shores of yore, the flowers dotting all the little meadows on this beautiful Earth. Mayhap I will live along by her side, will perhaps live through more of life's many mishaps and joys, perhaps live to father a child with my beautiful Bella."
Alice shoved Carlisle into view.
"Doesn't Bella look great?"
Carlisle was decked out in women's lingerie. He was wearing a hot pink babydoll, matching pink fishnet tights, and hot pink marabou feather-trimmed stiletto slippers. His hair was spiked with gel, sticking up wildly in an imitation of Alice's own style. His cheeks were streaked with hot pink glittery blush, and his eyes were circled in sparkly, smoky grey eyeshadow. It was obvious that he was wearing feathery false eyelashes. His lipstick was a matching hot pink.
"What have you done to him?" Bella whispered in shock and horror.
"DADDY!" Alice shrieked happily. She flung herself at Bella, tackling her to the floor. "I'm so glad you're home! How was work?"
"GET the hell OFF ME B****!"
Alice was suddenly torn off of Bella and went crashing through the window. Edward growled wildly and didn't stop. He clutched his throat with a panicked expression on his face.
"SHUT the F*** up!" Bella bellowed.
"Say 'Bewwa bewatedwy bewwowed bewwigewentwy' weaw fast fwee times!" Emmett's face poked through the outline of Edward's butt in the wall.
"I made that up," Rosalie voiced smugly from the other side of the hole. "I make up a lot of things Emmett does. I make up everything. I'm brilliant, I really am. Frankly I'm the smartest person in the whole universe."
"You weawy awe, Wosawie." Emmett's face was filled with unabashed awe. "You awe da E=mc2."
"Daddy, today I went shopping!" Alice squealed, crawling back in through the window. "I bought a couple things for you!" She clung to Bella's legs. There was a snarling sound from behind and Alice suddenly disappeared.
"EDWARD!" Bella shrieked. "WHAT the F*** did you do with her?" All she heard was more loud snarling, and some splashing sounds.
"Edward, get Alice's head out of my f***ing hot tub, you bastard!" Rosalie's furious voice screamed. She emerged naked through the wall, dripping wet. Bella backed up, pointing the gun at Rosalie.
"What has befallen my hair?" Carlisle screamed. "ESME!" They heard pounding hoofbeats coming closer, then a horse leaped through the window, a woman with a lasso on its back.
"Comin', darlin'!" Esme drawled in a southern accent. "Be right with ya! Need to see to mah hoss!" She leaped off the horse and tied it to the headboard of Edward's bed/boudoir/camping site/staring-at-Bella place. "Where be ya, hon?"
"IN HERE!" Carlisle shrieked. "Look at what she's done to me!!!"
"Ah'm sho it'll be all right, hon." Esme glanced around the room, and poked her head through the hole in the wall. "Huh. Whut on earth happened heah?"
"What has happened here?" Edward said, toppling sideways through the hole into the room. He was soaking wet. "What has not happened here? I have had a brush with death, been shot at by my own selfless love, Bella; and what repayment have I gotten in return? My own sister has gone insane, and has tried to kill Bella, my love. I am being beaten down with exhaustion, pummeled by hate and anger, and being forced to question my own family!" His voice broke into a wail, and he started dry sobbing.
Esme stood listening to Edward during his speech, then loped out of the room.
"Rosie, hon, you bettah put awn sum clothes theah, baby girl."
Rosalie fumed, then stomped back into her room, ripping open her closet.
"What's wong, Wosawie?" Emmett pouted. "You know I'w awways be youw baby bwoyw. I wub you, Wosie."
"Shut the f*** up," Rosalie muttered. "I hate you anyway."
"Bwut Woswie," Emmett sobbed piteously. "I wub wyou, I weawy weawy d—"
"Shut up!" Rosalie screamed.
They heard Alice talking about "Bella's" outfit, rambling on and on about how cheap it was, and how flattering it was on her.
"You must have grown taller, Bella, because you look different," Alice said.
Rosalie rolled her eyes. She looked over at Emmett for support, but saw he was picking his nose furiously with a vengeance that was truly frightening to behold.
"You are so gross," Rosalie snapped. "Why don't you go change the water in my tub. It's getting old 'n' cold. You changed it about two hours ago! What's your, like, prob?"
"NO!" Edward screamed. "No, Bella love, love, love, oh God how I love you, my precious jewel—"
"Daddy" shot him again.
Outside they heard the roar of a motorcycle coming closer. Alice shrieked with glee, and raced over to the shopping bags. She dug through them, and then she squealed,
"AHA!"
"Yo baby, your ass looks fine today, as usual." Jasper strutted in, slicking back his hair with yet another bottle of gel.
"OMG! Jazzy!" Alice screamed so loudly that eardrums broke and only bats could hear her.
"Yeah, baby, it's me," he smirked, swaggering over and slapping her butt.
Alice's expression changed abruptly from happiness to rage.
"YOU GOT GEL ON MY PANTS!" she howled to the heavens. "YOU F***ING B*****D!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Hey, Emmett, wheel me in so I can catch up on the action," they heard Rosalie order.
"Yews mwa'am," "Emmie-bear", as he liked to be called, muttered. "Whatwevew youw sway, Wosawie," he added.
There was a sudden loud smash, and plaster dust flew through the air. Rosalie screamed, "Emmett, you a-hole, you got PLASTER IN MY F***IN' HAIR! YOU COULD HAVE BROKEN MY TUB, YOU B*****D!"
Apparently, Emmie-bear had attempted to ram the tub through the hole in the wall that Edward had made, and obviously failed, since the hot tub was at least ten times as big as the hole. Instead, he had simply smashed down the entire wall.
Rosalie surveyed the room with a quick glance, and her face fell.
"I thought all you dudes and hos were actually finally going to kill each other," she sighed, and slumped back to rest her head on the edge of the tub, where there was a waterproof pillow and a hot glass of blood.
"Maybe in the end we will all get so sick of each other," Edward said, his hands clasped in front of him, "that we will finally all snap like a twig in a hurricane, only to find that we all, yes! All! LOVED EACH OTHER!!!!!" He reeled from the impact of his praying, and fell to his knees.
Bella took three steps so that she stood in front of him.
"You know why I agreed to go out with you? You thought that I was dumbstruck by your beauty, didn't you? That I fell hopelessly, utterly in love with you? Well, like with everything else, you're wrong. The reason I started going out with you was because the day I met you Alice came knocking on my door. She told me that you had big bucks and if I didn't get you hitched with me in about two days then some other Mormon girl would snatch you up and my chances would be forever ruined. So," she continued, a sneer on her face, "she and I hatched a plan. Act like I was as much in love with you as every other b**** was at that stupid high school. You, as I thought you would, fell for it. Alice told me everything I had to do in detail, and I followed her instructions. She followed me around school and to my house to make sure I was doing it all right. I still remember the look on her face when she told me that you had started staying in my room at night while I slept. Apparently watching me all night, she said. She said it was a sign that you believed that I had the same feelings for you as you did for me. She was so happy our plan was working. I could have killed you I was so angry. She held me back, saying that after I marry you we could do it together. I felt happier after that, just knowing that you would be gone from this world forever. I found it easier to act like I was in love with you, even to endure your sickening kisses. I thought that it would give my façade a touch of realism if I acted like I wanted to kiss you. The money was what kept me going when I thought I would snap and kill you. I thought if I had to open that door one more time and look at your face…well, the money kept me going. Jacob was another stupid ass who thought I was in love with him. But Alice looked into his financial future and told me I'd be better off with you instead. Oh well, it was fun flirting with him. Should have known all you men were as stupid and useless as you seem and are. You know that day in the meadow? Where I acted like I was amazed by your utter beauty? The day when those guys almost raped me in Port Angeles? The day you left and I stumbled around stupidly in the woods? When I kissed Jacob and acted like I had somehow cheated on you and that I was a f***ing sinner? All part of the plan me and Alice thought up. It was the money. That's it. So if you don't shut your fat, stupid mouth this instant, I'm going to 'snap like a twig in a hurricane' until I….KILL YOU!!!!!!" she leapt at him, a knife that had suddenly appeared in her hand aimed at his heart, "MWAH HA HA!!!!!! YOU WILL NEVER SURVIVE ME AND MY BUTCHER KNIFE!!!!!! WE ARE UNSTOPPABLE!!!!!!"
She frantically stabbed at him with her KA-BAR knife, but to no avail (unfortunately).
"NO MY LOVE!!!!!!!" Edward's voice rose to a high wail, and he collapsed to the floor, clutching his heart. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW!!!!!! I, I've been waiting for someone like you, but now you are slipping away, oh. Why, why does fate make us suffer. There's a curse between us, between me and you!"
"NO THERE ISN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!" Bella looked over at Alice for support, but saw that Jasper and Alice were frantically making out, while Jasper groped Alice's butt.
"F***ing bipolar vampires," she muttered. "Hate 'em all. I do. I hate them. I HATE THEM ALL!" She shot at Jasper and Alice, while Edward screamed on the floor. Rosalie and Emmett stood by, or lounged in Rosalie's case, and watched. Rosalie's face was twisted in an evil sneer. Carlisle sobbed in the corner, curled in a fetal position.
"Peace," he mumbled. "Peace. We're supposed to be peaceful vampires, no evil, no, no evil, no, no, NO!!!!!"
Esme strolled in, glancing around at the desecrated room.
"Looks like y'all got it handled just fahn," she drawled, and loped over to Carlisle, where he was still moaning.
"You all raht, darlin'?" she asked, squatting down next to him.
He mumbled something incoherently.
"What was that?" Rosalie sneered from her tub.
"I SAID, you bloody damn flippin' pillocks in jumpers! I really bliddy hate you Yanks! You blokes are bliddy well dogs, and we'll kill you all!!!!!!"
"That's nahce, honey." Esme murmured, patting his head. He spat at her.
"You bliddy Yanks," he continued to mumble as Esme left him, "I hate you all, you'll all die, you will…Kankkarankka ja koko muu konkkaronkka!!!"
"That's nahce, hon," Esme murmured soothingly over her shoulder as she rode off into the sunset.
"Hitaasti, olkaa hyva!" he screamed at her back. "Hyvaa huomenta ja en ole suomalainen!"
Blood spattered the walls as Rosalie spewed out her nose from laughing. She set the cup aside, snorting.
"Puhun vahan ruotsia, ja kankkarankka ja koko muu konkkaronkka! Ja olen erikoissastohinta! OLEN!!! ISO TUOPPI!!! SINULLA ON KAUNIIT SINISET SILMAT!!!! TAMA ON HYVAA!!!" He paused, looking over at the door. "Sisaan!" he called.
Emmett blubbered. "Wosie, ywou gwot bwud on da waws!"
"I KNOW, YOU F***IN' B*****D!" she screamed, dumping her glass of blood over his head.
He let out a wail and started to bawl like a newborn babe. "WOSIE!!!"
Alice kneed Jasper in the groin repeatedly at one hundred miles per hour, snarling at him. "How dare you ruin my clothes, Jacob Black!!! YOU STINKING DOG!!! YOU F***ING MUTT!!! I HATE YOU!!!!" She sobbed and dived headfirst into the huge mountain of pink shopping bags.
Jasper stood in shock, frantically combing his hair. "Oh God, my babe is having an affair with a werewolf! Oh God! Oh God! I'm gonna KILL THAT MOTHERF***IN WIFE-STEALER!!!" He whipped a bottle of gel from his pocket and squirted the entire contents on his head, leaving the pile on his head. He tossed the bottle aside, and it landed in Rosalie's hot tub. She was whacking the sobbing Emmett on the head with a loofah. It snapped, and she grabbed a rubber ducky and hit him with that.
Jasper fled after Alice, thinking that she had ran back to her lover. "I'M GONNA KILL JACOB BLACK!"
"YES!" Edward screamed. "Kill him! Kill him for stealing my beautiful, innocent, pure as the driven snow, angelic Bella!!! KILL HIM!!!" The last words trailed off in a pitiful sob.
"Niin on, oikein kaunista," Carlisle rambled at the red-spattered wall. "Mutta kuule, meilla on tupaantulaiset pian. Voisitteko te tulla tupaantuliasiin?" He cackled. "LOL."