His mother lying in a dense puddle of blood...Nunnally, wide-eyed and frightened, spattered with his mother's blood, shivering beneath his mother's lifeless body...
Every time he closed his eyes, every time he blinked, the harrowing image hovered there. Lelouch avoided introspection because he felt like a man at the edge of a cliff, looking down into an immense chasm. He stood at the very brink of the abyss. He could sense the nothingness inside of himself. He knew that all that remained was a picture he didn't want to look at anymore. He saw it in the bloody yoke of the setting sun stabbing his eyes, the smattering of bloodstained clouds in the sky, the reflection in the crimson ocean before him, and in the red-orange shadows staining Suzaku's cinnamon-colored locks. It haunted those green eyes evading him, loomed in the once tan flesh turned pale, the once bright eyes turned dark, once vigorous youth turned frail...
...once living person turned walking corpse...
What was he doing now? Lelouch nearly jumped when Suzaku began walking toward the ocean. Suzaku almost seem to drift, like a limp puppet dragged by marionette strings. Until that moment, Lelouch had been the observer and he'd almost forgotten that the figure before him was capable of movement. The image had felt like a painting, stagnant, never fading. Like something Lelouch was meant to gaze upon and ponder carefully, at a distance.
But now, the ocean waves swelled and smoothed over Suzaku's feet. Now, as Suzaku's figure moved further into the water, his calves were consumed by the lapping waves... Suzaku stepped forward, where the water level reached his waist...
Lelouch started forward when Suzaku fell to his hands and knees. He flung his arm out, reaching futilely for Suzaku. His feet sunk beneath him as he dashed down a hill of sand toward the ocean, toward Suzaku's disappearing body.
What scared him, the only thing that scared him, was that for the first time he could remember, he did not know what Suzaku was thinking. He couldn't tell if Suzaku had fallen on accident or on purpose.
"SUZAKU!"
Lelouch couldn't see him now. Couldn't know him now. Couldn't feel him now. He stumbled forward as he ran, catching himself with his hands on the wet sand, eating some of it as his face slammed against the ground. But he forced his body up before it could collapse and he nearly fell into the oceans waves when his feet met them.
"SUZAKU!"
The water ebbed back and forth calmly in a slow cadence, calm and patient unlike his stammering heart. His eyes scoured the water for any sign of Suzaku—a glimpse of his hair, his clothes, his skin, his eyes... Nothing. He shivered before diving into the salty depths, straining his eyes to peer through the swirling sand and dirt.
The under tow suddenly reached out and took hold of Lelouch, and he found himself at the mercy of nature, at the mouth of something far greater than himself. He clawed out into the frigid water to grab on to something...anything...nothing. His kicked wildly in search of a sandy floor to get his footing, but there was no reachable floor to touch down to. The tide pulled him down until he felt his ankle dig into course sand. He cried out, emitting nothing but bubbles, and at last the current's grip eased and he flung himself up above the water's surface with all his strength, gasping for air.
It was then he saw Suzaku's body. Limp, drifting lifelessly at the sea's surface.
He screamed Suzaku's name once more, before struggling through the freezing, churning waters. The sun was at his eye level, the very top of its head flickering just in sight, burning into Lelouch's line of vision, casting a shadow over Suzaku's face. Lelouch fought through the deepening tide, and his exhausted body nearly succumbed to it when he grabbed onto Suzaku. But he scrambled toward a large rock nearby and took hold. He hoisted Suzaku onto it and pulled himself up onto its algae-ridden surface, breathless.
Suzaku lie there motionless. It took all of Lelouch's self control to keep himself from breaking down right there, to strain his eyes from releasing the tears burning them, to bite down his quivering lip and keep his thoughts from collapsing into a useless heap.
"Suzaku, if you're alive, say something!" He'd known before he'd even finished saying it that there'd be no response. He almost succumbed to panic and hopelessness when he spied blood on his friend's left temple. Before comprehending anything, Lelouch instinctively grabbed Suzaku's wrist and felt for a pulse...
It was there.
"He must have hit his head on something—probably this rock..." Lelouch reasoned allowed, gently brushing wet strands of Suzaku hair away from the bloody wound. "Sukaku..." he murmured, tears filling his eyes, "...you idiot..."
- -
If Lelouch knew anything, he knew he wasn't cut out for this.
It should have been Lelouch that had almost drowned, not Suzaku. Suzaku was the strong, athletic one. Suzaku was the one who should have been fighting ocean currents, swimming long distances and saving people. Lelouch was the weak one, the one who could fall down and count on Suzaku to help him up... When did the order of things get so out of whack?
Half way there and Lelouch nearly passed out. His body was trembling, partially due to muscle weakness and partially because of the cold. He scarcely felt like he could keep Suzaku slung over his back, still keep treading water, still keep fighting...still...keep enduring the ice-cold water stabbing his body from all directions.
He pictured Nunnally waiting for him in the half-burned house he'd found for shelter. He imagined her waiting expectantly, listening for his voice. Suzaku, Nunnally, and he would laugh together again, smile together again, play together again...and the voices Lelouch knew best would once again ease him to sleep as a lullaby.
There was a sun somewhere waiting for him, warmth somewhere waiting for him. He tried to listen for Suzaku's heart beat, tried to feel it in his back, where Suzaku's chest lie against him. He dragged Suzaku's cold body now, but knew there was a place and time where warmth would return to it, where Lelouch would see his dearest friend's face colored with life...
Lelouch's arm muscles suddenly screamed in agony as he faltered in the water, which cutting into his artificially created revery. He choked on the sea's salty water as he fumbled to catch Suzaku's body before it slipped from his grasp.
He almost cried out in joy when his partially numb toes touched soft sand below...
Feeling recharged, Lelouch marched through the water, emerging into the crisp night air, flinging his soaking body out of the water's clutches. He dashed to dry land and gently set Suzaku on the sand before collapsing beside him in exhaustion. Scarcely able to move, Lelouch rolled over, closer to Suzaku. He tore the tie from his blue and white Japanese school uniform and cleaned the deep gash in Suzaku's head with it. He sighed with relief as his body felt all remaining strength drain away: Suzaku had stopped bleeding.
Before sleep took him, Lelouch sandwiched one of Susaku's hands between both of his. It was ice cold. He rubbed it slowly, hoarsely singing a lullaby he could barely remember his mother sing to him once. He recalled what she'd always say to him when she'd make him fall asleep...
Why, my dear, your hands are so, so cold... Well, no wonder you can't sleep! Now, you needn't worry about anything, because I'll warm your hands, and I'll warm your heart. And I'll protect you.
----------------------
It felt like the first time, in a very long time, that he'd ever felt warmth.
A soft, beautifully delicate warmth against his face and eye lids. Light passing through his eye lashes, caressing him gently like a benevolent angel...
Heaven. This was the first word that came to mind, without any previous thought. His body felt weightless and he felt a tentative smile crawl to his lips...a smile that quickly faded. Heaven? But how? Surely, he did not deserve to go there...
Suzaku bolted upright, and discovered he was sitting in a bed, in a room he did not recognize. His eyes took in the charred walls around him, the fire in the blackened fire place, and the place where it appeared someone had taken a massive bite out of the wall before him...
"You're awake..." a strangled voice said, startling Suzaku out of his bemusement. He looked to see Lelouch, who appeared just barely able to contain his emotions, standing in the door way.
Suzaku didn't even know what to say.
He sat perfectly still as the dark-haired boy pranced barefoot in his direction and wrapped his arms around his neck. "Suzaku!" came Lelouch's muffled voice against Suzaku's chest. He could feel Lelouch's tears on his bare skin. He didn't speak, didn't move, didn't return the embrace. He felt cold. He felt his face harden into a blank expression.
With a loud sniff, Lelouch relinquished his hold on Suzaku, wiped away his tears with the back of his fist, and surprised Suzaku with a heated glare. "Don't EVER do anything like that again!"
Suzaku's eyes fell to his own hands. He watched his right thumb stroke his left. His lips barely parted when he spoke in a scarcely audible voice, "who says you can tell me what to do?" He didn't look up, he didn't have to, to see Lelouch's expression in the small pocket of silence.
"SUZA--"
"I can do whatever I want," Suzaku cut in, his voice slightly louder than before.
"NO--"
"You don't own me. You can't tell me what to do!" Suzaku cried, as he looked straight in Lelouch's eyes. Lelouch sucked in a sharp breath, but his mouth shut before he could say anything. The two frowned at one and other intensely for a few moments. Finally, Lelouch's frowning mouth began to quiver, and his eyes turned watery.
"Why would you...how could you...?" Lelouch's head hung low, as if to hide his crying. But Suzaku saw Lelouch's entire body was shaking. "Do you want to die?" he screamed, returning his gaze to Suzaku's face.
"...I don't want to live anymore..." Suzaku returned softly, looking out at the night sky through the missing part of the wall. "...why did you have to..." Now Suzaku's lips trembled, and clasped his hands to his mouth to muffle a sob.
"IDIOT!" Lelouch exclaimed, pounding Suzaku's chest with his fists. Suzaku pushed him away.
"I didn't ask you to save me!" he cried. Lelouch stared helplessly back at him like a wounded animal. It was almost enough to disarm Suzaku. He fell silent and averted his eyes. The both of them said nothing, allowing the chorus of cicadas to consume the silence. "...just...leave me alone..." Suzaku finally said, as he covered his face. "...let me die..."
"NO!" Lelouch shouted. He clambered onto the bed with Suzaku and wrapped his arms tightly around the stupefied boy's waist, "if you're going to kill yourself then you have to kill me too!" Suzaku tried to pry Lelouch off of himself in vain. His body was too worn out to take on Lelouch's infamous grappling hold.
"Let go of me! Quit being a baby!"
"I'm the baby? If anyone's a baby, you are!"
"No, you are!"
"YOU are!"
Suzaku stopped struggling and stopped arguing, as both seemed futile. He sighed and brushed some loose strands of his brown hair from his eyes. As he gazed out at the stars winking at him beyond the edge of the charred bedroom wall, where an eerie moonlight shadow loomed over the dim hearth, he was only reminded. He was reminded of the pointlessness of his existence. All those wondrous things, the things that had once inspired him, once gave him joy: the bright stars; the deep, full hue of the night sky; the merry crackling of a fire; the warmth of Lelouch's arms around his body...they were now, as all things were, scarcely bearable.
As Suzaku looked upon beautiful things and felt pleasant sensations, he could only do so knowing that his father could not...
...knowing that hundreds, maybe thousands of people far more deserving than he, could not.
He shut his eyes to the scene. Shut his eyes to the burning tears threatening to leak out. But he couldn't close himself to Lelouch, who clasped him so tightly, it hurt to breathe.
"...you don't understand..." Suzaku murmured, as he gazed up at the ceiling, "...it hurts just to live, Lelouch...I don't think I can stand it anymore..."
"It was like that for me, too, when I was swimming in the ocean trying to save you," Lelouch said into Suzaku's neck. Suzaku squirmed; the feeling of Lelouch's gentle breath against his skin tickled. Lelouch's face was buried in Suzaku's hair, and Suzaku found he couldn't see the expression on it. "I didn't think I could keep going. I thought it would be easier to just give up..." Lelouch's whispers seemed to tickle even worse. Suzaku shuddered and his legs twisted together tightly.
"Unnh...Lelouch..." Suzaku's felt as if he was burning up.
"...but I thought about seeing you and Nunnally again...I thought about all of us being together and happy again and I had to keep going. Don't you want to see that day, Suzaku? Don't you?"
"...it doesn't matter..." Suzaku panted, his eyes burning and watery again, "...because I've done a terrible thing and I don't deserve to be happy." Lelouch's arms seemed to squeeze him even tighter.
"You did a bad thing? Why does that mean you should die?"
"Because..." Suzaku choked, tears streaming down his face, "b-because I did a terrible thing and I don't deserve--"
"You know what my mother told me?" Suzaku couldn't stand how much Lelouch's breath made his skin tingle. He struggled more than ever against Lelouch's unrelenting grip.
"Lelouch stop..."
"Mother always told me that when you do a bad thing, you should do something to make up for it. If you steal, give what you stole back. If you hurt someone's feelings, then you do something to make them feel happy..."
"It's not like that, Lelouch! It's not like that at all! It's much, much worse!"
"But it doesn't matter how bad it is... Mother told me that you have to do good things to make up for the bad things...otherwise...the world will go bad. If everyone always did bad things and gave up then there'd only be bad things left."
The gentle singing of the cicadas permeated the air as Suzaku let these words sink in. Could it be? Could there really exist a reason to keep on living? But there was no reason: there was only a task set out before him...a daunting task...an impossible task... The small hope burning inside him flickered, faded and nearly burned out... "Lelouch...I'll have to do good things for the rest of my life."
"It's better than dying...and making Nunnally and me sad."
"I can't do another bad thing ever again, Lelouch."
"When I was in the ocean swimming, I messed up and I nearly dropped you. I made a mistake, but in the end... I saved you... I think...I think you could make mistakes but still keep trying...what's wrong?"
"Unnh! Lelouch...you have to stop...it tickles really bad!"
"Oh, sorry..." Suzaku felt Lelouch loosen his hold and move his face away from his neck. After a short pause, he heard Lelouch shift against the sheets and felt him pull the soft blanket over the both of them. "Suzaku? Do you still want to die?" Lelouch asked. He huddled closer to Suzaku's body, entangling his cold legs with Suzaku's warm ones.
"I don't know..." Suzaku returned slowly, feeling somehow distracted.
"I won't let you," Lelouch said, "I know I can convince you. I'm good at making people do what I want."
Suzaku almost laughed. The second he recognized the bit of happiness threatening to surface, he tried to force himself to be completely miserable again....
...but he was finding it a little too difficult at the moment.