My thanks to Sylvain for the beta work

Needs Must

It's all kicking off at home! I can't believe the mess it all is at the moment, and they weren't going to tell me. If Victoria hadn't filled me in on what was going on back there, then I'd still be none the wiser. Vic texts now and again, simple messages like Hi hows u? Letting me know she hasn't forgotten me, and making sure I don't forget her. Her text message wasn't so simple today though, she wanted to talk, telling me it was important, that there was something she thought I should know. Being a Saturday I'd been able to text right back, and within minutes of her reply I'd switched the laptop on and was looking down the webcam at her. Twenty minutes we'd sat there, and in those twenty minutes my world was once again turned upside down, the world that was back in Emmerdale.

I keep asking myself why Adam hasn't told me, we're best mates. I can't believe he doesn't know what's been going on, although he's not slap bang in the middle of things like Victoria is. Maybe he's been too busy, what with both Holly and Hannah gone, they must be working flat out at the farm. Or maybe he thought he was protecting me, was trying to stop me doing something I might regret?

I knew Zak wasn't right, that he wasn't himself, but a breakdown? And now he's locked away in some hospital. He's always been so emotionally strong, hard, as tough as nails. Yes, he had a soft side too, an understanding side, and he's wise, he has a way of making you see things you don't want to see... he's got through to me a few times. He's always been there for his family, he's the one everyone turns to when things go wrong. Who would they turn to now? Was all that with Cain the beginning of his illness or was it what had caused it? Not that it made any difference, he was still banged up, drugged up too probably. I hate to think of him like that. That big, strong and so very proud man reduced to that. I don't really want to see him in that state but I want him to know I care, that I haven't forgotten him or all the things he did for me. How can I do that from here?

Lisa must be worried sick, and Belle? She needs her dad. I'd like to see for myself that they're ok, help in some way. I know they've got Sam and he does his best but the way he is, well... it can't be easy for him either.

And then there's Paddy, he's going through some sort of crisis too! A midlife one Victoria called it, but what does that mean exactly? I don't know. I just know he's not happy, that he's in a bad place. Not that he's let on to me, he's done a good job of keeping it from me. I want to be there for him like all the times he's been there for me. I know he's got Rhona, although I think Rhona is part of the problem. He's got Marlon, they're best mates, but me and Paddy, well we're close too, but in a different way and something tells me he needs me, but I'm stuck here... what use am I to him here?

And Leo? Some godfather I turned out to be. I'm not going to see him grow up, I'm not going to be there should he need me. I didn't get to babysit all that often, but the few times I did I loved every minute of it, and knowing they trusted me with him was a real boost to my confidence, to my self-worth. Even at that age, even though he's... he'll still pick up on the tension, on the atmosphere... I don't know what help, if any, I'd be to him, but I still think I should be there for him.

Then there's Debbie, she's been through a tough time, is still going through a tough time, and Sarah, well she's stuck in the middle. I remember being that age and all the grownups around me arguing and yelling at each other. They think you don't know, that you don't hear them, that you don't know what's going on, and maybe you don't know the ins and outs of the situation but you do know something's wrong. It scares you, it damages you and that little girl's got enough to deal with as it is.

As for my mum, well, I just don't know what to make of her, of what she's done. How could she do something like that? Cameron, of all people. Her niece's boyfriend! Was she so desperate for a man that she'd stoop that low to get one? She's not said one word to me about her and Cameron, well she wouldn't, would she? She knows I'd have plenty to say on the matter. I know I've made things difficult for her where her love life's concerned in the past, but she's hopeless when it comes to men, she hasn't got a clue, she always picks wrong uns. Paddy being the exception to that rule. Why couldn't she have loved him? That would have saved us all a lot of grief.

She's turned the whole village against her now. What was it drama queen Victoria called her... the scarlet woman! I know she's tough, hard-faced as they come when she wants to be, but she's not as hard as she makes out, not as strong as people think. I'm annoyed, angry with her for what she's done but she's my mum and she needs me. Who else has she got to turn to? Not Charity anymore, mum's shit on her doorstep, not Gennie, she's turned her back on her too. Her and Cain have always been close but, from what Victoria said, the affair has destroyed their relationship too, and I can understand that.

So who else is there? No one, only me. And where am I? Hundreds of miles away in another country. I should be there, she needs me.

I don't know what to do. I want to go back but Ed's dead set against it, he says I'd be stupid to even try and get in the country. He said a lot of things... we both did. We had one hell of an argument! Events in Emmerdale are far-reaching, the fallout's hit France now!

Ed stormed out in the end, that's usually my way of dealing with things, or not dealing with them. He told me to do what I liked, that he didn't care anymore, but I know that's not true, now that I've calmed down, I do. At the time, I wasn't so sure, I'd said some unforgivable things to him. I couldn't make him understand, I couldn't make him see how important it was that I go back. He's scared for me, scared of what might happen if I'm caught. So am I.

I've spent the last half hour trying to work things out in my head, pacing back and forth. One minute I'm telling myself I can sneak back into the country no problem, the next that I'd be arrested the moment I stepped back on British soil.

It's risky but is it a risk I'm prepared to take? And what about Ed? I love him, I don't want to lose him, and I won't just as long as I come back, but what if I don't? What if I end up in prison, would he wait for me? And what about my job?

My head's about to explode with it all. What am I going to do? The answer finally dawns on me. What I have to, I suppose. What any Dingle would do... or should do, which is look out for his family.

After stuffing some clothes into a holdall, I scribble a note for Ed, telling him I love him and promising him I'll be back. I have every intention of keeping that promise. That done, I make for the door, I'm going home.

End