Author's note: I used the Song What hurts the most by Rascal Flatts to help show hoe Jack and Ennis are feeling. thanks to this story i can't listen to this song without crying now feedback is greatly appreceated. also i do not own these Character's nor this song plus some of the line's in this story. please send feed back

What Hurts the Most

-Summer 1963

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

Jack sat by the fire one night waiting for Ennis to return from the sheep for dinner. He had spent the whole day fishing, he was tired of eating what ever the supply guy decided to bring and though a change was in order. He knew Ennis would appreciate the change in the menu. All day Jack had had is mind on one thing, Ennis. He couldn't get is mind off of him. The fact of the matter was that the more time Jack spent with the man the harder it was to not think of him. Jack was sure that what they had going on was not just a one shot thing. He knew life without Ennis would be miserable. Jack knew that in reality only half of him would be returning to the "real world", the other half of him would stay on this mountain to be with Ennis forever, haunting Brokeback Mountain like a ghost for the rest of eternity. Jack didn't know what to do about the situation he found himself in. He did know however that he did not want the summer to end. Maybe he could convince Ennis not to go away when this herding job was over. If he could talk Ennis in to staying with him they could start a life together and have a nice sweet life.

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Ennis was up with the sheep, he could se the main camp from where he sat on his horse. He had been sitting there awhile watching Jack move about camp, he had to admit to him self he sure was enjoying the view. He hadn't been able to get Jack out of his mind since that first night in the tent. He was very conflicted about what he was feeling towards Jack; he had never felt any of these things before in his life not even with Alma. He wasn't sure if he should let these feelings out into the open. He didn't even know how to describe what he was feeling. All he knew was he no longer wanted to be up here with these damn sheep, he wanted to be down in camp with Jack. Looking into those beautiful blue eyes, and that smile was to die for. Ennis wondered if Jack felt the same as him, and was what he felt wrong like is daddy had told him all those years ago. Ennis knew what made him happy, he had a right to be happy, right?

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret

That night Ennis went down to the main camp for dinner. Jack had managed to catch a coupla fish, Ennis was glad he was tired of beans. "Hey, rodeo" said Ennis as he walked toward the fire.

"Hey yourself, cowboy," Jack replied.

Jack was sitting by the fire slicing potatoes. Ennis thought damn he's beautiful, wish I could always look at that. Ennis was starting to wish his time with Jack would never end. A little voice in his head told him 'it doesn't have to'. When he got to the fire he sat down on the log next to it, Jack handed him a plate.

"What no beans?" asked Ennis.

"Thought you'd like something else, figured fish would suffice," answered Jack.

"Well that was mighty kind of ya," said Ennis.

"Welcome," said Jack.

They ate their dinner in silence, when that was done they both took the dishes down to the creek to wash, as they washed Ennis said, "That was a mighty fine meal you made Jack."

"Thank you Ennis," Jack replied.

Once the dishes were washed up they went back to camp for their normal drinking and talking by the fire. Except on this particular night there was mostly drinkin and smoking goin on, Jack and Ennis had their minds on the same thoughts. They couldn't figure out a way to bring up the conversation that needed to be brought up. Once they finished their bottle of whiskey Ennis decided it was time he headed up to the sheep.

But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

The following morning Ennis woke up freezing and hen he stepped out of the pup ten there was a foot of snow on the ground. He danced around a bit with the blanket around him then decided to get his gear together and head down for breakfast. Be the time Ennis had reached the main camp the snow had melted, Jack was takin down the tent.

As Ennis rod into the camp Jack said, "there's food on the fire for ya cowboy."

"Thanks rodeo how's come your takin the tent down?" asked Ennis.

"Aguirre stopped by says my uncle Harold's gonna make it after all, says a big storms comin wants us to bring the sheep down," answered Jack.

Once that was said Ennis was not happy he started sayin Aguirre was cheating them out of a months pay. Then Ennis walked out of camp, Jack had offered a loan but Ennis refused. Jack thought that Ennis was upset that he was losin money by comin off the mountain early. Maybe he was mad because Jack had offered him the loan, this worried Jack.

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Once Jack had the camp packed up he looked around to see if he could see Ennis, he noticed him on a hill just above their camp. He grabbed his rope and headed up to where Ennis was to let him know it was time to go. As he walked up to Ennis he tried to keep a smile, but as he drew closer to him he could see in Ennis's eyes what was really wrong.

"Come on cowboy time to go," said Jack as he threw the lasso around Ennis.

Without a word Ennis got up and headed down the hill, Jack roped him again then tackled Ennis they rolled down the hill wrestling the whole way. It was playful at first then Jack accidentally caught Ennis in the nose with his knee. Ennis was so upset about having to leave the mountain and Jack that before he could stop himself he punched Jack hard on the cheek, then walked back towards camp after wiping his nose on his shirt sleeve and picking his hat up.

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Later that day the brought the sheep down off that mountain each of them in their own world as they descended the mountain. When they finally got to the bottom Aguirre was there waiting. They watched as the sheep were herded and counted into pens. Aguirre didn't look happy and he said, "some a these never went up there with you…..the count ain't what I'd hoped for neither….you ranch stiffs ani't never no good."

Finally they got their pay and were getting a ride back to Signal, Both of them where happy to finally be rid of Joe Aguirre. Once back in Signal Ennis helped Jack get is truck runnin, "There ya go bud," said Ennis.

Ennis searching through his bag said "Can't believe I left my damn shirt up there."

"You gonna do this again next year?" asked Jack

"Maybe not, like I said me and Alma's getting married in December, be tryin to get somethin on a ranch, you?" said Ennis.

"I might come back if nothin better comes along, thought some about going back up to my daddy's place, give him a hand over the winter, then maybe head out for Texas in the spring….if the army don't get me," replied Jack

"Well see you around I guess," said Ennis.

"Right," said Jack.

Ennis started walking down the main street of Signal, the further he got from Jack the sicker he felt. It was like someone had reached into his gut and was squeezing his insides and trying to yank them out of him. Then he had the sudden need to vomit and he rushed into an alleyway. When nothing came out he started to cry punching the wall a few times, 'why had I let that man drive away, I don't wanna feel like this forever,' thought Ennis as he stood to compose himself.

After Ennis had walked away Jack got in his truck and headed out in the opposite direction as Jack. He could see Jack in his rearview mirror, he watched Ennis walk down the street for a minute. He did not see Ennis duck into the ally, he had the same feelings Ennis had with the exception that he felt like someone was doing the Mexican hat dance on his heart. As soon as he was out of town he had to stop as the side of the road and vomit. 'Why did I leave Ennis, this hurts too much' thought Jack.

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do