Disclaimer: Ya I spell Issac with two S's. Got a problem, bub? I don't own Golden Sun, but I own you. At writing.
The Lucky Leprechaun of Lalivero
Okay so one day, there was this leprechaun. Not just any leprechaun though; the Lucky Leprechaun, of Lalivero. Most people don't know about him, but those that do will find themselves very lucky indeed.
The leprechaun, who lives in Lalivero of course, makes himself known by creating flourishing shamrock patches wherever he walks. Those lucky enough to come across one and figure out that they are his can get a wish granted. Also the leaves of the clovers can be worn in ones shoes to ensure safe travel.
Now, this is the story of how Alex, distraught from losing to Isaac and friends with the Golden Sun, finds a new power to take for himself. But first, he must do battle, because the story wouldn't be complete without it.
---
Alright, now you might have thought that Alex was trapped within the Earth, but that was all part of his plan. In secret, he was paying rent to stay in the Wise One's underground pad, and had run out of money to pay. The Wise One was angry, because Alex had accidentally set off the earthquake machine thinking it was a Playstation, and had made a big rumbler that split the New Vale settlement down the middle. And wouldn't you know it? Right through Issac's house. Issac cried a little, but he put his parents on the street and went to live with Garrett. He'd be okay there.
Anyway, Alex was cold and hungry while wandering through the desert and he couldn't find any water or food. Forgetting that he could just create whatever he wanted of course. But just then, he spotted a flourishing green patch ahead.
"The leprechaun!!!" He exclaimed quietly, ducking to hide behind a small sand dune. The leprechaun came out of his tree stump and sat atop it, pulling out a pipe and beginning his daily smoke. Alex was starting to get an idea, a way of snagging a power that could potentially trump alchemy if he misused it properly. "That leprechaun holds immense power. I can sense it. Now, how can I take it away?"
He stood and walked towards the leprechaun, decided to take a forward approach. Maybe he had some of that pipe to spare as well. Alex hadn't had a joint in three days since the Wise One exiled him from the underground alchemy base.
"Excuse me. Are you the leprechaun?" He inquired, trying to sound important.
"Aye. I'm the leprechaun." The small fairy-like being took a long haul of his pipe and let loose a cloud of smoke that trumped even the Wise One's hits.
'Amazing. He smokes like a pro!' The water adept thought. "Uhhh. So that makes you the Lucky Leprechaun right? Of Lalivero?"
"You're a slow lass there. Not able to figure it out. I'm the only leprechaun for days!"
Irritated by the mystical beings mockery of his femininity, Alex looked cross. But he kept his cool and tolerated it. He reached down and picked a clover from the ground, and commanded the leprechaun to give him a wish. "I want you to give me unlimited power. Like, power that would be equivalent to say... I dunno. The Golden Sun?"
The leprechaun farted a little, and his eyes bugged. "Aye that's going too far. Now you've lost your rocker, or has the rocker lost you?"
"What?" Alex was confused, but the leprechaun took another haul and blew smoke in his face before vanishing. "Shit! I lost him!" Just then, he grew tired from the sparkling smoke and found himself in a downward spiral into a land of twinkies. Now, with the last of his power, he wrote a letter. A letter that was addressed to Issac, apologizing for the property damage and asking him to send help to the land of Twinkies.
But Issac never got the letter. Instead, it would be Sheba who found it, and she was more focused on laughing at his situation. What an asshole.
---
Now, Felix, Jenna and Piers were sitting at a table in Felix's new house by the creek, where he would fish everyday. Piers constantly bitched at him for killing the fish, but he obviously didn't give a damn what that dumb ass thought. So now, it was time for their weekly discussion, which was short a Sheba today. She must have been at Ivan's house for the day, doing goodness knows what.
"Felix, I think Alex might be in the land of Twinkies right now." Piers told them with utmost concern in his eyes. Because that's the way he was, a fucking sucker for everything.
"What's your point? He probably likes having supreme power over them." Jenna was more focused on her double latte that some blue haired fag's troubles.
"That's true, but I think we should help him. After all he... Well, he hasn't done much for us I guess, has he?" He sighed and waited for Felix to reply.
The Venus adept was deep in though, his head down and his eyes all hazy and dark. "I think it might be too late for Alex..." He said monotonously, like a creep.
"Felix what is with you and your creepy new way of thinking?"
"I have risen from Felix, Jenna. I have become Omega Felix, almighty ruler of Vale since the Golden Sun chose me." He droned.
Jenna cried a little inside but Piers assured her. "Don't worry, he's just delusional. I'm sure our Felix will be as good as old when a couple months pass."
"Uhhh, no. Look at him! He's totally absorbed in this 'Omega Felix' bullshit. He thinks that New Vale is going to build a lighthouse for him so he can sacrifice himself daily by leaping off. Look what this adventure has done to my brother!"
Felix perked up at the word 'lighthouse' and began to fidget. Then he got up from his seat and stormed out of the house, leaving Jenna and Piers staring blankly.
"Alright then. Okay, so we should focus on getting Alex out of Twinkie Land, before he becomes Twinkie Land."
"Okay, I'm bored anyway Piers. Good idea." Jenna's whole mindset changed and the two linked arms to cheerfully skip outside.
Unfortunately, Piers tripped on a branch that was just outside the door and face planted. Well, you can't win them all.
---
Meanwhile, Felix stood atop the highest rooftop in Vale, screaming nonsense in what sounded like a Nordic language while he threatened passers-by. They paid no attention to him though, but he thought they were his slaves.
"Don't look at me like that you n00b! I'll jump! I swear, I'll jump!"
Just then, Sheba and Ivan came along, Ivan holding a Happy Meal at him, and Sheba a small bottle of pills. "Felix, time to take your medicine!"
He scrambled down from the rooftop with monkey-like precision, and snatched the Happy Meal. Sheba popped a pill in his mouth, and he swallowed, before climbing back to his roof and hissing like a Sloth at anyone who threatened his meal time. Then he ate it and curled up to sleep.
Sheba sighed and Ivan chuckled. "You know Sheba, ever since Felix became a retard, it's like I've had my own pet lemur or something. Master Hammet never let me have pets. Well, once I had a turtle, but during the great food shortage of '42, I had to... Well... You know."
"Eat him?" She asked, bored with him already.
"No. Actually, I had to give him back to the pet store so he could have a life! Jeez Sheba, I can believe your kind are so barbaric that you would eat your pet!"
"Uhh... Aren't we from the same place?"
"You're from the moon, you moon-ho!" He slapped her upside the head, and she obeyed him.
---
Issac was sitting at his friend Garrett's house, killing time by smoking doobies and playing Mario Kart. He lost to Garrett once more and finally got annoyed.
"What the fuck?!?! I have the bloody power of the Golden Sun and I can't even beat GARRETT at MARIO KART!"
"Yeah, you suck a little there, pal." Garrett gloated, while Issac sulked really bad. He was looking almost suicidal with despair.
Using psynergy, he raised the N64 and pitched it at the wall, pounding his fists on the armchair and crying hysterically. "It's not fair! Why does Garrett always win in the game?! I wanna win too!"
"Issac, Garrett, your friends are here." Garrett's mom called.
"What friends? I don't have any friends! WAHHHHH!" Issac cried harder and Garrett shook his head. His buddy was experience a sort of Golden Sun PMS and he knew it was hard on him.
"I'll be there mommy." He gave Issac a pat on the back and an eskimo kiss, which he chirped in response to. Garrett then went to the door to find Piers and Jenna. Jenna looked kind of happy to see him, but not really. Piers on the other hand looked plain miserable. Like he was going to kill Jenna or something. Garrett couldn't blame him; she was a bitch.
"Hey Jenna. Hey Piers-"
"It's Picard now." He spat.
"Okay. Hey Picard. What's up my homies?"
"Nothing much. Picard's just trippin' really bad and I wanted to see you guys." Jenna stuck her chest out to draw Garrett's attention. She wanted to come inside, and it made him cringe.
"You're trippin' Piers- I mean Picard? What are you on, man?"
"Nothing! This insolent little witch keeps sticking her foot out." He hissed.
"Oh. That's gay. I thought you were going to add to the drug references in this story, but nooooooo. You just can't. Cause you're such a 'STRAIGHT ARROW' now Piers." Garrett had been bitter with Picard or whatever his name was for a while now, ever since he gave up his ancient Lemurian substance abuse techniques.
"Hey, it's not my fault you guys are all addicted to drugs! I'm outta that phase of life! I spent two hundred years in a yo-yo cycle of binge drinking and pot smoking and I'm through now!"
Just then, Issac entered the outside with a large doobie. "Hey guys, wanna smoke this cannon with me?"
The three other people nodded, exchanging words about how they would like that and coming inside the smoke filled house. It had taken a while, but they had finally convinced Garrett's parents to let them smoke indoors.
A few minutes later they were all squinty eyed staring at the television, giggling and laughing and being friends. Piers hadn't lasted very long on his straight edge campaign, and they poked fun at him for it.
"Hey... Uhh. Issac? You got any of that shit for sale?" He asked in a modest tone.
"Of course! How much are you out to buy?"
"...Err... A half ounce... No wait... A quarter... No wait... Aww man it'd good shit... But I'm broke for now... Shit, make it an ounce; I'll pay you for the other half next week." He handed him the gold for it.
"You better, or else." Issac walked over to a dark corner in the room, while Garrett stared menacingly at Piers and hit his palm with his fist, causing him to gulp.
The Venus adept used Growth on a pot plant in the corner, plucked a bunch of buds and weighed them to put in a bag. Then he handed it to his friend.
"Thanks Issac. I'll try and make it last."
"Pffft! Hahaha! Yeah right!" Jenna smacked him on the back. "You'll be done with that in like, three days! HHAHAhaha!"
"You don't have to rub it in. I can't help my habits."
"And your habits include hot boxing your ships cabin and taking it for a spin on the great sea right? Piers, you like driving stoned don't you? No wonder we never got anywhere. 'Oh! Let's go to Lemuria!' He says as he whips the wheel around and heads straight for Aqua Rock! You frybag!" Jenna rambled on and the guys just ignored her. Pretty soon she grew angry and took her place in the kitchen to bake cookies.
---
Alex was still out cold in the land of Twinkies, creating a plot hole since he had apparently wrote a letter, but since he has psynergy I could have left it alone and he might have written it with his mind. But no, I just had to mention it to bring it to your attention. Now, he kind of started to wake up, sitting up and finding himself covered in a creamy white substance. Looking at the ground, he saw the spongy yellow texture of Twinkie and frosting for grass which was on him. He licked some of it and assessed that it was indeed Twinkie filling.
"Why Twinkie Land? Why not Mia's room?! WHY?!" He sobbed. Just then, row on row of tiny little walking Twinkies came along and began swarming around him. They gobbled and made squeaking Twinkie noises that aroused his thoughts, and now he was
coming up with another plan. "These Twinkies are intelligent life forms. Perhaps if I can harness their power, I will be even more powerful than the Golden Sun AND the leprechaun..." He giggled at the thought of being really powerful and began having fantasies about it. The Twinkies were patient however, and waited for their new ruler to gain his sanity. That would probably never happen, but in this land, that was okay. How could they blame him? Was there anyone in Weyard who could stay sane in the Land of Twinkies?
---
The leprechaun waited upon a desert dune, and looked down at an oasis which gave him sight into the Land of Twinkies. The man he had banished was power hungry still, and as he took a drag from his pipe he new he had to take action. But he couldn't, he was too lazy; because that's what the weed does to you.
Instead, he knew he must call on the eight heroes of legend. Issac. Garrett. Ivan. Mia. Felix. Jenna. Sheba. And that other guy, whatever he was calling himself now. He closed his eyes and blessed a small shamrock, and then threw it to the wind. It hovered and then began to float away, before falling back on the ground limply. "Aye. What a dud that was." Then he made another message clover to get their attention. It read:
'Greeting earthlings and heroes of legend. The time has come for you to rise against an old but new foe. It seems your friend Alex has become delusional in the Land of Twinkies. You guys should come pick him up. Peace.' -The Leprechaun.
It floated on the wind and was carried towards Vale, giving a new hope to Weyard.
---
Issac, Jenna, Garrett, Felix, Piers/Picard, Sheba, Ivan, and Mia were all conveniently at Garrett's house when the clover came a knocking. "Garrett? There's a message of hope at the door! It's from the leprechaun!"
Piers shot up out of his seat! "The leprechuan! OMG!" He flew for the door, which was good, because Garrett was NOT moving.
The clover hovered in greeting as Piers jumped for joy. "We have heard the legends as far away as Lemuria. As a child, I had wanted to find the Lucky Leprechaun some day. And now... What's that? A message about Alex. He's in Twinkie Land? I knew it! Guys! Come quick! We gotta go save Alex from himself again!" He headed out the door, pushing past the shamrock and towards the gate of town. The others reluctantly moved their asses and came too. Once outside, they headed to the coastline south for the ship, which didn't take long since whenever they left town they were bigger than even mountains.
"Man, how do we survive in such a land?" Ivan whined.
"I don't know." Said Mia, her first line of the story.
"Over there! It's the ship!" Issac called, and they all headed for the flying ship. Then, as the got to the deck, they paused. "Wait, should Piers really be driving stoned?"
"You know what Issac, you're absolutely right." Piers headed down to the cabin and surfaced moments later, with half a bottle of draught, which was diminishing fast since he had it plugged into his mouth. He slew the booze and pitched it over board, shouting out as it hit the ocean blue! "There guys! Lets go!" He stumbled up to the wheel and started sailing the ship, first backing into a cliff and then taking off and smashing into the coast.
"Okay... Y'know what. You shouldn't-" Sheba began, but was cut off.
"SILENCE! I command my own ship." He whirled the wheel and crashed the ass-end of the boat into a giant rock. "FUCK!"
Ivan then just cast teleport to get them to Lalivero. By the time they landed there, Felix had the tiller and Piers was leaning over the side of the boat; claiming sea-sickness.
"You drunk!" Jenna gave him a shove and he fell off the boat into the water, washing up on the beach and puking his guts out some more.
"I'm not... drunk! I'm... just... BLEEEHHHGGGHHHHHHHH!" He slurred his words and continued emptying his stomach.
"Somebody needs to hide that draught from him. At this rate, he's gonna resort to it again." Mia said softly, with the voice of a healer or nun.
"That's the least of our worries; we gotta find the Leprechaun and Twinkie Land." Issac and Garrett said at the same time, which made them look at each other and giggle before embracing. "You see Issac, that's why I like you. We think alike."
"Wow, that's a low blow Garrett. What an insult, to imply that he's as stupid as you." Ivan mocked him like usual.
Just then, Ivan and Garrett were centered out from the rest and everything else was blacked out as they broke the forth wall and hugged.
"Actually, Garet, as it's correctly spelled, is an intelligent being, capable of minor calculations in math and he has uber computer nerd h4xx0r skills. He's also a kind, sensitive person, and he and I are best pals!" Ivan chirped.
"And Ivan here, isn't short, he's just... challenged." Ivan immediately went lump-head on him and pushed him away, returning to the original setting.
"Where'd you guys go?" Issac asked, but Ivan just shook his head.
"Garet and I were about to go one step further, but he ruined it."
"Oh I see." Isaac said, and since it's actually taking me more effort to remember to misspell his name, I'm just gonna spell it right.
In the meantime, Felix still had the helm and was spinning the wheel, giving the boat the same effect as if you repeatedly circle the D-pad. Luckily, no one else was on it and he was just making himself dizzy instead. "Rawr! Omega Felix rides in space!"
Sheba left him another Happy Meal, stuffing the chicken nuggets with pills and leaving him there. Now they could find the leprechaun and the Land of Twinkies and...
"Alex..." Mia muttered to herself, standing a little behind the group. A glint surfaced in her eyes and she looked really evil, but then she went back to normal and began following along.
---
Alex on the other hand was busy, plotting a way to use the power of Twinkies to his advantage. He couldn't figure out a way, and was starting to get unusually frustrated.
"Dammit already! There's just no use in this! How can I turn such a thing into a weapon that will give me cosmic powers!?"
His loyal twinkies chirped and gobbled and ran circles around him. Just then, he got an idea. "Hey, if I can get some good
chron, I can get those adepts high and then feed that Isaac some Tainted Twinkies, before ambushing them with my army and taking the power. Then, I will use that power, to get the leprechauns power, and get even more powerful! Ahahah!"
He started laughing maniacally, and did so for the next little while. Then, he began preparing some magic Twinkies.
---
Meanwhile, the group of heroes had found the Leprechaun and were busy finding a way into the Twinkie land. The leprechaun told them that he could let them go there and then blew his mystical pipe at them. They all felt funny and then fell into Twinkie Land. Although, they were unconscious and were gonna have to wait until they woke up to take action. And even then, they'd wake up high and fucked.
Alex sent his best Twinkies to accommodate them and gather their limps forms to his Twinkie palace. Then, as they woke up, he greeted them.
"Finally, you have come to my lair. I must congratulate you for getting this far. I'll bet it was hard."
"Not really. The leprechaun let us in." Isaac said.
"Oh... Well then..." Alex paused, before pulling out a tray of glowing Twinkies. "Here. You guys must have some serious munchies to fix. Why don't you have some?"
"Soviet brat! Never trust a blue haired man from Imil who offers you glowing Twinkies!" Mia hollered, causing Alex to cry a little.
"It's okay Mia, I'm sure they're fine. And I am hungry after all." Isaac took one and ate it, followed by the others. All except Mia.
"What's the matter Mia? Why don't you have one?"
"Mother told me not to take candy from strangers. I don't know you anymore."
"Ouch that's hurtful. Well, I guess you're the only one with common sense. Behold, your friends are incapacitated!" Alex gestured to the groaning adepts on the ground, with a smirk of triumph.
"Those weren't normal Twinkies; they were 'Magic' Twinkies! Baked with pot, weren't they?" She glared.
"Ahaha..." He flicked his hair, and put on hand on his hip. "But of course. And now, I only have to wait mere minutes and their power will be mine."
"You monster... You disgust me once again. You're a disgrace to our people." She practically spat at him.
"Call me what you will, but it is I who will have the last laugh."
"I'm not laughing at all, so you go right ahead you sick freak."
"Oh come on, you know you want me. You're just jealous because I've spent more time with Jenna than you."
"Whatever!"
"See?! I'm winning, my power buckles you!"
"You're always so fucking set on 'winning' all the time. What is there to win?! I want my friends back."
"I assure you, when I'm done you can have their carcasses."
"Uggh! Stop it!" She fell to her knees and shook her head.
"Oh-ho! Look at that! I've made you my BITCH."
Just then, a spark of hatred burned in her eyes and she stood, glaring at him. "Don't... you... EVER... call me... your BITCH again... I'll make you suffer!" She lunged at him, pulling a katana out of nowhere and swinging for a good cut at his shoulder. He blocked it though, with a skillfull twist of his nunchucks.
"Oh so now you want to fight me, Mia? Prepare to become my slave!" He spun them around like a ninja, accidentally whacking himself and cursing, but remaining cool.
"I'll never be your slave Alex. I loved you, and you just had to go on a rampage like some little douche bag." She held her katana in a samurai stance and then ran forward to do battle with him. They clanged weapons a couple of times before leaping back from each other. Mia raised her hand and sprayed him with psynergy water, soaking him to the bone. This caused the Twinkie ground to become mushy like mud, and she ran up to push him in it.
He gasped and wriggled about before she kicked a shoeful in his face. He felt like crying but instead lunged at her legs to bring her into the muddy stuff. He got on top and shoved a handful in her face, laughing and taunting her. "Ohhhh, how do you like it huh BITCH." He slapped another handful on before she easily over powered him and rolled his weak ass onto the ground.
Mia then pummeled the crap out of him, beating him to a pulp with a flurry of fierce punches. "I told you never to call me
that!" She picked up a big handful of twinkie frosting a slapped him with it, grabbing his hair to pull his face into it harder.
"Agh! Stop! Not my hair! Why do always have to go for that?" He whined, trying to pull away. But Mia was finished with him, taking this moment to exact her revenge.
"Alex, I banish you to forever be MY bitch. Or else, you will have to die here and now."
"Okay, okay! Just let go of my hair!" She let go abruptly, making him fall hard back into the muddy twinkie ground.
Mia stood up in triumph, covered in twinkie but remaining the victor. The Twinkies flocked to her and did a dance, making her feel important. "Alright, now to get us all out of here."
Just then, Alex threw himself at Isaac and took the Golden Sun out of his pocket, sticking it in his own and becoming uber powerful. He began hurling masses of energy and Twinkies at her as he willed himself to be God.
"This ends now, I AM GOD NOW!" The land of Twinkies suddenly disappeared and they all reappeared in a stereotypical land of void that all bad guys create. "AHAHAHAHHAHAH!" He got ready to kill her, but she stopped him.
"Oh come on. If you're gonna be God, can you at least be creative with the scenery?" He looked genuinely hurt, grumbling something about her overly creative personality and turned it to what he truly wanted.
Right away, Isaac and the others awoke, and what they saw truly disturbed them. "...It must be Alex's evil mind, distorting our world.
They found themselves in a land of Unicorns and bunnies, all of them blue. Except for the odd purple thing here and there. Everything was blue and purple. Alex's favourite colours. And the world had increased to 80 cornier.
"Dammit Alex! I'll stop you!" Mia yelled as he vanished and reappeared behind her. Then, he slapped a handful of Twinkie that he had saved on her.
"HAHAHA!" He laughed and twirled around. He was unstoppable.
But, just then, an old friend appeared. Felix, at the tiller of Piers' ship, came crashing into the dimension and ran into Alex, killing him. "Rawr!!!"
"Felix! Oh my goodness are you okay?" Sheba rushed up onto the ship and comforted him. He was yelling a lot and raving madly.
"That's OMEGA Felix to you."
"OMG!!! Omega Felix saved the day! Right on!" Piers jumped for joy like the supporting Felix Fan girl he was. He always praised everything Felix did, and Felix liked that.
Then after saving the day, they headed back to normal Weyard and left the Land of Alex behind to smoke a fattie.
---
The leprechaun stared into his oasis pool and saw Alex rise from the dead again, taking a long haul and releasing slowly.
"That boy is gonna be God someday. He's just so persistent." And then he smiled.
The End.