I don't deserve Castiel.
Actually, it's more like Castiel doesn't deserve me. Because he really doesn't. He deserves someone so much better. Someone that will give him their absolute undivided attention. Someone that doesn't stay away for day on a hunt and then come home bloody, battered, and bruised only to have him use his grace to heal them. Someone that doesn't have a long history of family issues or a not-so-secret drinking problem. Someone that doesn't sin ten times a day. Or at the very least, someone that can say 'I love you'.
It's not that I don't love him, because I do. Believe me, I do. Hell, I love him as much as I love Sammy. Sammy... Why couldn't he have fallen for Sam instead? Sam's never had a problem saying those three words. He used to say them to me every night before he went to bed and you know what I would say? I would respond with 'Night Sammy' or "Mhmm, you too Sammy'. I'd only ever said the actual words to him once when he was just a baby. But it was never a problem for us because Sam knew. He knew that the last time I said those words was to Mom, right before she died. I just haven't been able to say them since.
I wish I could. I wish I could tell Castiel that I love him. Just once would be enough. He's said it to me plenty of times. And each time I just sat there silently screaming at myself to return those words. But I never could. He understands that I love him, he's told me that many times, but he doesn't know why I can't say it. Because I haven't been able to bring myself to tell him the story behind it either. He never pushes me though. Always smiles when I stammer, trying to find a way to tell him that I love him too without actually saying the words, and every time he kisses my lips softly and whispers 'I know'.
I'm so lost in my thoughts that I don't even realize that I'm staring at him until he calls my name.
"Dean?" he calls again form the chair he's sitting in across from mine. I blink my unfocused eyes and curse under my breath when I feel a warm wetness gathering in the corners. I bow my head and keep them tightly shut, trying my best to just fight off the annoying tears. I hear Castiel close his book and the screech of his chair on the old wooden floor as he gets up and walks over to me. He kneels down in front of me and I can feel his warm breath on my hands that I've brought up to bury my face in. I'm ashamed. I don't want him to see me like this. So weak. So vulnerable. I'm a Winchester dammit! Winchester men don't cry.
"Hey, Dean, it's okay. Please look at me. Dean?" he coos softly, reaching up to grab my wrists and gently tug them down. I let him, but I turn my head away. He's the last person I want to see me cry. But it's no use. Not only does he see my crying, but he reaches up and softly brushes a stray tear away with his thumb. My body shakes as I try to hold back a sob. He's so sweet, so tender.
I don't deserve him.
"Don't cry Dean... Please talk to me." He runs a soothing hand through my hair before gripping my chin and gently lifting my face. Our eyes lock and another tear slips down my cheek.
"Cas..." I say, surprised at how broken my voice sounds. The angel looks like he's on the verge of tears as well, and it makes me hate myself just a little bit more.
He doesn't deserve this.
"It's okay Dean. Please tell me what's wrong. You can talk to me." he urges. I shake my head frantically and bring my hands up to cover my face again as fresh tears drip down. He makes a soft noise and wraps his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. I can't help the sob that escapes my lips this time as I cling to his trench coat and bury my head in his neck, breathing in his comforting scent. He smells like home.
I feel my head starting to spin, almost like I'm going to faint, but different. More like I'm floating. Kind of like there's static in my brain. Castiel's reading my mind. He doesn't do it often, we've talked about it before, but when he does I can tell. But I can't block my thoughts this time. Instead they just all come rushing out at once. Thoughts about how I think he deserves better than me, how I can't say 'I love you', why I can't say it, how Sam and Mom are the only people I've ever said it to in my life. Everything. Now he knows everything. He pulls back and grips my face firmly in his hands, forcing me to meet his eyes before he speaks.
"Dean Winchester, don't you ever think that you're not good enough for me." he says sternly, blue eyes searching my wet green ones. "You're the only one I could ever want, human or supernatural being. I love you, Dean."
Those last words pull another sob out of me.
"Cas... I-I-" He shushes me before I can even finish.
"Dean you don't have to say it, I already know. That's enought for me. That's more than I could ever as for Dean. Just to know that you love me... It's the best feeling in the world. It really is. It doesn't matter if you say it or not, I don't mind either way. I know that you love me Dean, and that makes me happier than anything I've ever experienced in my lifetime." he admits. I look at him with shining eyes, dark with grief. I wrap my arms around him and let out a shaky breath. I don't let go until I've calmed down a bit. Until the tears have stopped coming. After several moments I sniffle and pull back slightly, quickly wiping my eyes with my sleeve. I know they're red and puffy by now, they have to be judging by the big wet patches left on Castiel's coat.
"Thank you Cas." I say quietly with a sad but genuine smile. He smiles as well.
"Of course Dean. Just don't forget what I said, okay?" I nod and Cas leans up to kiss me. I won't. I won't forget what he said.
It's the best kiss we've ever shared. So much meaning and passion behind it. So much raw emotion and unsaid feelings. A kiss of pure love. I think it goes beyond any words that could have been said. I always was better as speaking with my actions. I pull awya panting and lean my forehead against Castiel's. I open my eyes to see him staring adoringly right back at me. I smile and can't help but lean forward to peck those tempting lips again, causing him to chuckle lightly. It's a lovely noise. Castiel reaches up and gently caresses my face. I lean into the touch, mesmerized by how much emotion I fing in the angel's eyes. And all of it was directed towards me. Nothing in the world could be better than the way that Castiel is looking at me right now. I take a deep breath. I have to say this. If I can't tell him taht I love him, then I'll just have to settle for what I can say.
"Cas... Castiel I-... I need you." I say quietly.
And Castiel smiles a true smile. Because that's my 'I love you'. We both now that. That's the best that I can do and I know taht it might not be good enough in my eyes, but to Cas it is. And if he's okay with it then maybe I can find a way to be okay with it too.