ya...
im not really sure yet
but here you go
read,
dont read
but itd be better if you read
hehehe
k.
bye
xoxoxoxo!
~ mbs
Lucy wakes me up the next morning and hands me my gown for the day. I slip it on and begin to get ready for breakfast. As soon as I finish I go down stairs to eat breakfast hoping I am not late.
When I arrive I see some slightly shocked faces. Considering I was 100% sure I wanted I leave yesterday I guess me staying would be a shock. I take a seat next to Elise and notice Celeste glaring at me and Kriss is looking at her food moving it around with her fork appearing to be in deep thought. I look up to see king clarkson angered that I stayed and Maxon just seems flustered with emotions. Happy, confused, exhilarated but most of all I see relief on his face. That surprises me because I thought he was glad that I was leaving yesterday. I had assumed he would tell Kriss that he planned on picking her and just move on with his life. Apparently though, I was wrong. Maxon and I make eye contact and I see him make a gesture that seemed so realistic only I would know he was trying to tell me something, he entry pulls his ear and I return his motion. An awkward silence fills the room like water fills a swimming pool. Finally, King Clarkson dismisses us and I walk up to my bedroom.
I walk into find aspen sitting on my bed. I know I should tell him. I just don't know how. A week ago I wasn't sure what I wanted. I knew Maxon wanted to choose me. I knew that I still loved aspen. I knew that I still wasn't sure if I could commit to Maxon. And now, I don't know. I don't know if Maxon even wants me here. I don't know if I would ever go back to aspen. And the funny thing is, I don't know, if I was right about not knowing if I could commit to Maxon. I have this strange feeling that if Maxon asked, I would've said yes. But, for all I know, Maxon could be sending me home. That could be why he tugged his ear.
My thoughts go back to aspen. I begin to close the door and he starts to speak.
"America, I think we need to talk" His tone is stern and I look down at my shoes. I only nod my head as Aspen continues speaking. " I think, that we were fooling our selves. If you love him, you should go be with him. I don't want to be then one holding you back." His words jumble up in my head. I can't believe he actually is okay with it. I look up and he's staring at me. I am so shocked that I am at a loss of words. I stay staring at him for what feels like eternity. Eventually aspen gets up. He walks out the door leaving with one final sentence that I'm pretty sure will haunt me forever.
"Goodbye Mer, have a good life."
~~:~~
I sit on my bed awaiting maxons arrival. My head is full and I can only imagine what he has to say to me. I'm kind of worried. For all I know he could be sending me home not glad that I decided to stay. His emotions during breakfast could've all just been an act. My palms start sweating as I think about that. What if my suspicions are correct? What if he really did want me to go home? I walk out onto my balcony because I need fresh air. I stand grasping the fence separating me with the world below. I fear that if I don't hold on I'll fall because, as soon as I grab the black bar, my thoughts start swirling around my brain like a tornado swooping picking up bits and pieces. The tornado hasn't collected the full parts of houses, just roofs or top floors. It hasn't truly destroyed everything. That's how I would describe my feelings. I don't know everything, but the stronger and stronger my feelings get, the more the tornados picking. There's a sudden knock at my door and all of my past thoughts vanish and I calmly say "Come in."
Feet pit-pat across my room and two large hands grasp the fence. Maxon looks out to the surrounding garden not speaking. Finally he takes a deep breath and starts to speak.
"Why'd you stay? I mean I thought you wanted to leave. Go live a normal life, be a 3." I consider what he's just said. He deserves to know the truth. I just don't know, if his feelings have changed. No matter if he does or if he doesn't like me, I still I feel an obligation to tell him. He gave me time. He's given me plenty of time.
"You." I whisper not even sure if he's heard me. I am quickly assured that he has because Maxon whips his body around and stares at me blankly. As cheesy as it may sound, it's true. Did I make a mistake on telling him? Should I have just said it was because of the money? I am considering all scenarios when Maxon starts to speak his words smooth and articulate but have annoyance as the primary feel to them.
"Really? Or is this just to make me feel better when really if I even bothered with you would just say no, take the money and leave." I am stunned by his response and look away hoping he wouldn't see the droplets of water in my eyes. He breaths in deeply and I glance back him. He must see the tears in my eyes because his face softens. His tone is kind and I begin to listen and am intrigued to hear what he has to say.
"I'm sorry America. I just don't know what to think anymore. Would you really want it? The life of a One? Would you be able to faithfully believe in my decisions? Not question every little thing I do? For peats sake, would you not try to change everything this country is? The other day on the Capital Report, you proposing to take away castes, that was so rash, so arrogant I don't even know if the citizens Illéa would be okay if I chose you!" He is angry now and I've never seen Maxon like this. I am hurt by his words. So my suspicions were correct. Maxon doesn't want here at all.
"That's what I thought. Thank you for your time Prince Maxon." With that I exit off the balcony and sit at the desk in my bedroom. Maxon follows me into the room and clicks the balcony door shut. I put my hands up to my face covering it.
"Whoa. What was that America?" Maxon asks. I uncover my face and breath out, loud and long.
"It was me, realizing that you don't want me here. That you have already picked Kriss and this was your way of telling me 'Sorry, but you don't have a choice now, you're going home'. So it was nice knowing you and I'll have my bags packed by the afternoon and will leave promptly after lunch. I do not wish to say good bye to any of the other girls and I wish you and Kriss the best of luck in starting your lives together. At least that's how I interpreted it." I realize that if my mother was here she would be in such shock she probably would've fainted. Maxon doesn't seem as far off.
"Well, that wasn't intended. Actually, I was hoping that maybe you had wanted to stay and it was because of me. I suppose that by my response you would comprehend it that way so I take full responsibility.
On the other hand, there is the other girls. Elise has her connections with New Asia, Celeste is determined and very motivated. There's Kriss who is kind hearted and supports me through anything. Then there's you, America Singer. Smart, caring, helpful, opinionated, edgy, beautiful, unique and rebellious. Sometimes, most of the time, I don't even know what to do with you."
"So choosing one of the others would be much easier?" I question knowing that it's probably true. If I were in Maxon's position I probably would've sent me home on the 1st day.
"In some ways, yes. In others, not so much. I could pick you and be challenged to the maximum or I could pick one of the others and live my life peacefully no challenge at all."
"Then why don't you?" I snap cutting him off. I cross my arms covering my chest and glare at him. He has no idea how aggravated I am with him I finally tell Maxon the answer he wants and he denies me. I wish to tell him forget it but he starts talking before I can.
"You didn't let me finish. I'd rather be challenged, then be peaceful." I stand stunned by Maxon's words. All the aggravation, all the hate, has left me and I just stand there, too shocked to believe what he's said. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he does want me here. Maybe, just maybe, I'm going to be at the castle for a long time.