Title: Do You Still Love Me?
Author: Akuja
Warning(s): Shounen ai, angsty, OOC, utter confusion
Pairing(s): Whatever your mind comes up with and ReiKai!
Aku: Nyaaaaa!
Ja: Is that all you're gonna say?
Aku: HAI!
Ja: x.x oi...
Aku: hehe, enjoy!
ooooo
I blinked out, blinked back in, blinked out and so on. It was kind of amusing to just feel like you were slipping and being shoved back. Kind of addicting, after all, this isn't the first time. I lost count at how many tries. I laugh at their stupidity to trust my words after all the times I've made broken promises. But maybe they let me, knowing they could save me. Always there to save me, wasn't it?
It was just a matter of time before the door opened, and they would save me one more time. It was a repetition of seeing me on the ice, slowly drifting from their lives so easily, falling to a gravely cold death. But reaching out for me, I was pulled back into their world.
I smiled, thinking of you in the snow, watching me, just waiting for them to fall with me or maybe just stop reaching out a hand to me. I wouldn't reach back, if you really wanted me to, but I never understood what you wanted. I always thought I was enough, remember? I can see how you used to brush me off like the traitor I was. I remember how you ignored my presence when all I wanted to do was find some sort of existence in your life. I hadn't found existence in my own life, ironically. Maybe it was because my life was made in machinery or maybe it was because you were my life.
You were everything. Or maybe it was because I was nothing, you just seemed like everything. Maybe you were just a bit above the nothing I was. You were something, that I knew as much, which led me to being nothing, you being something, you seemingly my everything and everything being nothing? Damn, I just confused myself. Stupid thoughts, the lack of life is probably wearing thin on me. They said it was one of my reactions, one of my symptoms, ADD. Hah, the idiocy of it.
"Kai!!"
Ah, the door has opened with the hall light shining beautiful through like Heaven incarnate, only there isn't an angel to be seen anywhere. At least not the one I wanted.
"Hi... R...ei..." I whispered out, a smile on my face and he was already prepared, already predicting. It was the same every time, as he called for another – my head was spinning too fast for me to hear – to call an ambulance. Easy, seeing it on speed dial. Even Takao can't mess that up. Oh wait, he did on one of my recent attempts. Poor, stupid dragon.
"Kai, why the fuck do you keep doing this to yourself?" Were you getting fed up with me already, kitten?
"Why... do you keep... saving me...?" My coarse voice manages, as I let my lips fall into a relaxed expression, as he stroked my hair much like a mother would to a child.
"Because without you, I'd die from lack of sanity due to Takao's gluttony and Max's hyper overdosing-on-sugar bubble."
"Ah... so... to share the pain..." I let my eyes roam over his delicate, feminine features, knowing how he hated being compared to a girl. But even when he said that, I knew he didn't mind. He didn't mind feeling pretty, but he would never admit it. "You know... you're pretty..."
He scowled, as I knew he would and for once moment in my life, I wasn't concentrated on you. You were still in the past with those suppressed memories of mine. I did that, you know. I did it to mentally protect me for when you hated me and called me a 'whore' and a 'tramp'. You never did, but you thought it. I know you did because you compared me to your mother, who was one and who called me one. She could say, why didn't you? You hated her, didn't you? Or was it just me? Probably just me.
I was carried easily onto the stretcher, as Rei tells me to think of eating. I think of it, I just don't do it. Kind of like drugs. Safe to think about it as long as you don't do it, right? Don't give me that look, Rei.
"You're random when dying." He smirked, a fang glinting from a light that wasn't even there. How the fuck does he do that?
I grunt a bit until I'm pulled away, the alarm of the ambulance annoying me almost as much as Takao. After all the times I've been inside an ambulance, I don't think I could get used to that stupid noise. I faded away into that unconscious state of mind where you aren't looking at me like I'm me, and you're not you to my eyes. And I hate to love someone who stole your face, and holds me so tight, I want to cry. I hate to love someone who uses your voice to caress my ears with words you'd never say. And it fucking hurts just like every other night I'm here, be it the hospital or in that dojo.
He came with me, the rest too used to the daily routine, as they stayed back. I was glad to say the least. My back was pressed against the sickly white sheets and pillows, pushing me downwards further into, making my head feel crushed and my throat was suffocating under nothing. I felt dizzy and sick, but just laid there staring at an empty ceiling, until he made it so all I could see was his face.
"Hi Rei." I reached out, pulling at the black locks resting on the sides of his face.
"Hey, let go. You're not five."
"I know, if I was, I'd be trained as the most perfect weapon ever." I keep my grip, as he sighs into my chest, letting me pet him, listening to his soft purrs.
"I hate when you die, did you know that?"
"Yeah, but if I don't, how ever will you be my prince charming?" I don't know how I lost my finely crafted shell and the millions of layers that made me Ice Bastard Kai, but at one point, I just gave up and smiled. I fucking smiled. You've affected me way too much. Hiwatari Kai, depressed to the point where he smiles. What a grand way to live.
"Are you saying you're a damsel in distress? Kai in a dress? Hm, not so bad."
"Shut the hell up, Rei, or I'll eat you alive."
"Sounds rather tempting, I have to say." He giggles, yes giggles, for a guy. I pull on his hair, making him yelp in pain, as I laugh.
"Idiot." I smirk, as he whimpers while cuddling his hair. I pull him back towards my chest, so I can pet him and pretend it's you. Your hair isn't as long, nor would it feel this... cared for. Rei is a bit neurotic when it comes to his hair. It's like me with power. Wait, rephrasing needed. It was like me with power about a year or five ago. Or was that me with you? I guess you were power in a way. Owning you was the championship. You weren't a trophy, but I wanted you like one. Until I looked beyond the glossy presented skin. I didn't want you anymore. I wanted to be yours. I wanted for you to see me as something to own and claim and you would do that.
Rei pokes at the bandages around my wrist, wondering the same thing he always does. "I'm gonna do it again tomorrow."
"I know..." He whispers, and runs his hand across my arm, up and down, up and down, until he lets his hand rest inside my own, clasping it tightly. I respond by entwining my fingers with his and just staring at the contrasting skins. He doesn't mean the same as you do to me, and he knows it. Do you know it? Do you even know any of it? "Is there a way... I can stop you now?"
"Hm... no, I don't think so."
"Okay."
It's okay, after all, we got speed dial and only one bathroom in the dojo to share. I'll make a promise to never do it again, and shortly after a dinner I didn't eat, I'd head to the bathroom and end up on the floor in my own blood, smiling like I had just made love to you. He would open the door, running in panic as always and he'd always say the same words, as I would say the same thing. Like a play it seemed our life had become.
"You're random when dying."
"I know, Rei. I know."
And he kissed me like his lover, as I held him like he was you. And when his lips left mine, he rested his head against my chest as I pet him more like the kitten he was, his purring my only lullaby.
"What do you see when you die?"
"I see him."
"So you'll die everyday, won't you?" He's sad, I know, but I would never lie to him.
"Yes... I'll die everyday to see him..."
"I'll save you then... everyday..." He closes his eyes to fall asleep against me, holding me like a lover, seeing me like a lover, and loving me like a lover.
"Okay, my prince..." I whisper in his ears, as he drifts to sleep, his heartbeat pressed against mine, but mine is slower. I have to die tomorrow again after all.
The End
Kuu: If you're wondering who Kai is "dying everyday for", well, I don't know who.
Ja: It's either Tala(Yuriy) or Bryan(Boris). I think it's Tala!
Kuu: I think it's ramen flavored toothpaste!
Ja: ...
Kuu: Errr... I mean... I'll just shut up now :X
Ja: Review if you want. If not, well... uhh...
Kuu: Talk to a owl.
Ja: An owl.
Kuu: what?
Ja: Never mind...
Kuu: Hooot!