Cupid's Arrow
A/N: This was written as a prize for a FB friend. Set during the second half of S3 after episode 18. Written with lots of help from my friend CJ Moliere.
Zelena, the Wicked Witch of the West, had come up with a most diabolical plan to revenge herself on those she hated most—her half-sister Regina, the so-called savior Emma Swan, the princess Snow White, and Belle, Storybrooke's librarian and the wife of sorcerer Rumplestiltskin. All of them had crossed her more than once and prevented her from getting a foothold in this town and terrorizing the people here. And that she would not have. She was Wicked, and Wicked always won. As she would this time.
She concentrated hard, and cast an old yet potent spell upon three of the women's menfolk, using hairs obtained from each of them at certain times, making sure they fell hopelessly disgustingly in love with a certain person. Then, rubbing her hands together eagerly, like a child at a birthday party, Zelena went downstairs to the cellar where she kept the Dark One trapped.
The red-headed witch, dressed in her customary black dress, buckled shoes, crushed hat, and wearing her emerald cabochon prominently upon her breast, unlocked the door to Rumplestiltskin's cage. "Get out!" she ordered the man within it—who had once been her teacher, the famed sorcerer who could spin straw into gold, the most powerful worker of magic in the realms, and that she now controlled with his own dagger.
Rumple looked up, his brown eyes wary. He brushed his brown hair out of his eyes and stood up, swiping a hand down his once pristine Armani suit, which now was covered with straw. "Why are you letting me out? I thought you needed my brain?" he taunted softly.
"I've changed my mind," she spat at him. "After your pitiful attempt to seduce me to get this back," she waved the dagger with its ancient curse upon it under his nose. "I've had all I can take of you, Rumplestiltskin! I don't want to see your face again . . . now go back to your loving wife . . . and see if she'll take you after you've been my . . . plaything." The witch laughed cruelly.
"Is this . . . a joke?" the sorcerer queried.
"Get out!"
Bound to obey her due to the dagger's influence, Rumple obeyed, going up out of the cellar and back to Belle, his beloved wife of only a year. They had married in a small ceremony when he had returned from rescuing Henry, his grandson, in Neverland. That was before he'd sacrificed himself to save everyone from Pan, and then been resurrected a month later by his son and Belle . . . and then taken prisoner by Zelena, his former student, who used to have a most annoying crush upon him . .. and whom he suspected still did. The thought made him ill, for he had never returned any of her feelings, finding her too obsessive, shallow, and whiney for his taste, even before he had met Belle.
He could not fathom why she had released him from his prison, but right then he couldn't do anything but what she had commanded, and so he went home to Belle, who kissed, hugged, and cried all over him, before running him a bath and giving him a good home-cooked meal of hamburgers, fries, and salad, with chocolate sundaes for dessert.
Unknown to them, the witch's curse had begun working.
Page~*~*~*~*~Break
A day later
108 Mifflin Street:
Regina Mills, mayor of Storybrooke, and once the Evil Queen of legend, was baking an apple pie for her fiancé, Robin of Locksley, the famed archer and outlaw. It was their anniversary . . . they had been going out for four months, and Regina wanted to celebrate the occasion with a special dinner. Robin was currently downtown, getting her a gift, while she watched Roland, his little boy.
Regina checked on the pie, it was starting to brown nicely, and then looked in on Roland. The child was playing contentedly on the rug with his stuffed monkey and toy soldiers.
Just then, the doorbell rang.
Going to answer it, the raven-haired woman in her Chanel pantsuit found a delivery boy on her front porch with a bouquet of roses. "For me? How lovely!"
"Yes, ma'am," said the boy. "Just sign here," he held out a clipboard.
Regina scribbled her signature on it, and took the flowers, which were in a vase. Robin must have sent them, she thought, and shut the door. She carried the flowers, which were red roses, white chrysanthemums, and purple calla lilies, into the kitchen and set them on the table.
She plucked the card from the ensemble and opened it.
She read it . . . and almost knocked over the vase in shock.
For it was not from Robin.
My lovely Regina,
Just wanted to give you a token of my
Undying affection and devotion.
Love, Killian
But Killian Jones, aka Captain Hook.
"I . . . I don't understand," she muttered, staring at the card. "This has to be a mistake. Killian's in a relationship with Sheriff Swan."
But the card had her name on it.
The oven timer dinged and she went to pull the pie out to cool.
It smelled heavenly.
As she inhaled the aroma, the doorbell rang again.
"Delivery for Mayor Mills," said the same delivery boy.
This time he handed her a huge box of Godiva Chocolates along with a red envelope.
Regina thanked him and shut the door. Surely this was from Robin.
She loved Godiva truffles. She tore open the card. It was of a cute little monkey and it said I wuv you. "Well, that's sort of . . . cute," she muttered. "Really not my style, but . . . cute. If you like silly animals and sentimental sayings." She opened it. On the inside was Regina, you've monkeyed around with my heart and now I'm totally and truly bananas about you. Love, David.
Her mouth fell open.
"David Nolan? Snow White's husband!"
This had to be a mistake. Charming was and always had been head over heels for Snow . . . except when the Dark Curse had been active and he had forgotten who he was.
Before she could do anything else, the doorbell rang again.
"Mayor Mills, another delivery," said the boy, this time holding out a bottle of Dom Perignon wrapped in gold foil. It also had a card attached.
"Wait. I think you had the wrong address before," Regina began. "Those gifts . . . weren't for me . . ." she protested.
"Sure they were, ma'am. I took the orders myself," the boy replied. "They were quite specific."
"But . .. but . . . they were from Captain Hook and Prince Charming!" Regina cried, feeling like she was losing it. She took the card off the champagne. It too was addressed to her.
Inside was the following message in elegant calligraphy.
Let's celebrate, dearie! You hold my heart and always will.
Love always, Rumple
"And this . . . this . . . is from Mr. Gold!"
"I know. Wow, you've got a bunch of admirers, mayor!" gushed the boy. "And don't you have that guy Robin going out with you too?"
"Yes . . .Robin's the only one I'm going out with!"
"Not anymore!" whistled the boy, and then he left. He couldn't wait to text his friends about Mayor Mills new secret lovers.
Regina stood there on the porch with her hand cradling the expensive champagne and wondered if she were going utterly mad.
Three of the most well-known prominent influential men in Storybrooke were sending her gifts of a very . . . intimate nature. And she had no idea why, or what to do about it.
She went back inside and shut the door, setting the champagne on the table also.
Page~*~*~*~*~Break
Meanwhile, Zelena peered through her crystal ball, and laughed in delight. "Happy anniversary, little sister! At this rate you won't make it to next month!"
Everything was going along perfectly. Grinning in glee, Zelena waved her hand over the ball . . . and watched as the delivery boy spread the latest gossip all over Storybrooke within the next hour-and-a-half.
Within two hours everyone was whispering about Regina and her covert affairs with Hook, Gold, and Charming.
More than a few of the whispers were uncomplimentary, especially because two of her secret lovers were married, and the other going out with the sheriff and savior, Emma Swan.
Zelena cackled and continued to watch as events unfolded. She knew that no matter what Regina said, no one would believe her, which was exactly what Zelena wanted. "Pity. They all thought you'd changed but you haven't...have you, sis? You've always loved the attention. All's fair in love and war!"
Page~*~*~*~*~Break
Gold's Pawnshop:
Belle Gold entered her husband's shop, making the little silver bell over the door start tinkling madly. She couldn't believe the rumors that had been flying around all afternoon . . . about her husband, of all people, and Regina! It boggled her mind. She had tried to make sense of it, and at first had thought this was mere envy or something, vicious rumors stirred up by people who had no love for Rumple, despite everything he had done to change and had endured at Zelena's hands.
But her visit from Ryan, her father Moe's delivery boy from Game of Thorns, confirming that he had delivered a bottle of the most expensive champagne to Regina from Mr. Gold, had turned ugly rumor into cold hard facts. She had tried texting and calling him on his cell, only to find he wasn't answering either way, and she had been transferred to voice mail.
She had quickly locked up the library and went over to Gold's shop, where he usually was this time of day.
When she entered the shop, her husband was cleaning his glass case with his expensive jewelry and other curious things, lovingly rubbing out the smudges.
"May I help—Belle! What are you doing here?"
"Rumple?" Belle asked questioningly. His tone was . . . odd. Usually it was warm and welcoming, but now it was flat and cold, as if she were a stranger just come into his shop to sell something. He even looked at her differently.
"Did you need something?"
"Yes. I need to know just what sort of game you're playing at?" she demanded, hurt.
"And what game would that be, dearie?" Rumple asked coldly.
Belle came and leaned on the case, confronting him. "The one where you sent a bottle of Dom Perignon to Regina. Why would you do such a thing? Now people are talking . . . about you having an affair with her. Rumple, I don't understand. You're my husband . . . you love me . . . how could you do this to us?"
"Really, dearie?" he queried, his voice snide.
Belle clenched her fists. "Just what is that supposed to mean? Don't you take that tone with me, Mr. Gold!"
"Can't handle the truth, dearie?"
"What truth is that?"
"The truth that I made a mistake a year ago. You and I . . . aren't suited, Belle. You're too young and I'm too jaded. I need someone . . . who's more . . . in tune with me and my . . . dark nature. Someone who understands me."
"You can't be serious! And you think . . . Regina is that person?" Belle gaped at him.
"Oh, I don't think it. I know it. I've had my attorney draw up preliminary divorce papers. He should be serving you them soon. That should take care of this little . . . misunderstanding."
"A misunderstanding!" she repeated, incredulous. "Is that what you call this? A misunderstanding? Maybe I ought to refresh your memory, Rumplestiltskin—with a copy of Thomas Paine's Common Sense slammed over your head!"
He raised an eyebrow at her threat. Then he chuckled in amused condescension. "Is that supposed to frighten me, dearie?" he asked snarkily.
"You don't think I can do it?"
Rumple smirked wickedly. "You forget, I have magic."
"So? You have to sleep sometime," Belle said smoothly.
"Is that a threat, Mrs. Gold?" his tone was eerily calm and unconcerned.
"A promise, Mr. Gold."
He snorted. "Promises, promises."
She stiffened. "Just remember . . . I keep mine. Till death do us part!" she declared, her temper flaring. She couldn't believe how he was behaving. "You'll never know when and where I'm going to smack the sense back into you . . . sweetheart."
"Maybe I should file for a restraining order. These divorce proceedings can be so messy."
"What's the matter Rumple, are you afraid of little ole me?" she taunted.
"I'm afraid of you disturbing my peace of mind."
"Your peace of mind is already disturbed by this madness. You don't love her, you love me."
"How do you know whom I love? You a seer now, Belle?"
"I know your heart. It's all I need."
"My heart is empty and only one person can fill it. Regina." He knew he should feel something for the petite chestnut-haired woman in the fetching dark blue skirt and cream blouse with the black tights and heels, but instead he felt . . . empty, like a hole was in his heart.
"No. . . a man like you doesn't change his feelings over night. This is something else." She was almost certain he had been ensorcelled.
"I know you might wish it to be, dearie. But it's not."
"No. It is...it has to be. And I'm going to get to the bottom of it," she said determinedly.
Rumple giggled mockingly. "Oh, do go and research among your dusty library books! It won't change anything. I'm still going to serve you with divorce papers . . . and then I'm going to take Regina off to some tropical paradise and celebrate."
"MY research has saved your ass quite a few times, so don't take that tone with me, Rumplestiltskin!"
"What tone?" he asked, pretending innocence.
"Mocking me."
"A bit thin-skinned aren't you?"
Belle smiled deviously. "Keep telling yourself that. You'll find out I'm right soon enough . . . this IS NOT YOU."
"If you're quite finished playing the guilt card, I have things to do. See yourself out please, I'm busy." He turned away, acting as if she were mere servant he was dismissing.
She fought to keep from grabbing him by the lapels of his suit and shaking him. Instead she concentrated on keeping her tone even. She would not let him bait her. "I will . . . for now." She smiled again as she left. She's right, she knows it, and she will prove it.
Page~*~*~*~*~Break
Emma's house:
Emma Swan was mad clear through. She felt like taking a baseball bat to her infuriating boyfriend's head. Or roasting his nuts over a big ass fire. She had come home after hearing from several people that Killian had sent Regina roses. Roses! The man hadn't even sent her flowers and here he was sending them to Regina? Not only that, but the bouquet had been accompanied by a card where Hook professed his undying devotion and affection for the mayor!
Emma had felt betrayed and angry, and had come home to confront her faithless lover. And found that he didn't even bother to deny what he'd done! Instead he'd cavalierly admitted to it, without batting an eye.
Fuming, the blond savior stood over him, her blue eyes snapping with restrained ire. "What did you take a stupid pill this morning? You, love Regina? Don't make me laugh!"
"A man can love many women, honey." He smiled roguishly, clearly not bothered at all by what he had done. "Variety is the spice of life."
"How's this for spice? Your nuts roasting on a spit over an open fire!" she scowled, crossing her arms over her chest. She wanted to commit murder at that moment.
"That's a bit drastic, don't you think, love?" he purred in that come-hither-voice she used to love.
"Nope. It's perfect. Your wenching days are behind you, pirate. At least they better be if you know what's good for you," she declared fiercely. She couldn't believe how he had played her for a fool.
"Emma, y' don't understand. It's like a tradition . . . I love all the girls and all the girls love me! And some of 'em I love more than others, know what I mean?"
"Oh, yeah? Maybe you'll love this!" she grabbed the bottle of rum that was on the counter next to the table and poured it over his head.
"Hell, love, y' just wasted a good bottle of Captain Morgan!" sputtered Hook, now dripping wet and smelling like a distillery.
"So sue me. You can take your Captain Morgan and your horny teenager mentality and get the hell out of my house!" she exploded.
"Where'm I gonna go?"
"You can go to hell in a handcart or to Regina's for all I care!"
"Okay . . .maybe I will! Since you're too stubborn to see sense!"
"No, I just have a low tolerance for cheating bastards!"
He bowed to her mockingly, "As you wish!"
"Get out! And please make sure the door hits you on the ass first!" she spat.
As he was leaving, she made the door slam him one right on his arrogant backside, shoving him out the door and onto the sidewalk. Let him go crawling back to Regina, if he wanted her so bad. Or into the sewer with the rest of the bloody crocodiles!
Page~*~*~*~*~Break
Charmings' loft
Almost the same time:
David looked up from the video game he was playing as his wife, known as Mary Margaret Nolan here, and Snow White back in their old realm, stormed into the loft, slamming the door so hard it was a miracle it didn't fall off its hinges.
"Hey! You almost took the door off!" he objected, his blue eyes widening.
"You're lucky it was the door, and not your head!" his pregnant wife snarled, one hand going to her bulging belly. She was almost forty weeks pregnant with their second child. She had been out shopping for baby clothes when the gossip mill had reached her ears. "What the HELL do you think you're playing at, mister? You're married AND have a baby on the way, you bastard!"
David looked at her nonchalantly. "I'm tired of playing house with you, darling. Everything's the baby with you. It's boring. I need someone who puts me first."
"Oh do you? Taking a page from your brother's book now?" Snow snapped sarcastically. Had he really said that to her? But the words had come out of his mouth.
"What's my brother got to do with it? I'm sick of playing second fiddle to you," he drawled, leaning back on the couch, all long legs and well-muscled physique wrapped up in jeans and a plaid shirt.
"You are becoming as self centered and egotistical as he was . . . guess twins really ARE alike!" she knew that was a low blow, but she couldn't help it. She felt like he had torn her heart in two and stepped on it. She had gone through this twice before, once back in Fairy Tale Land and the other just two years ago in Storybrooke, when he thought he was married to Kathryn while the curse was going on. And now . . . now he was cheating on her again! "And you NEVER played second fiddle to me...we do everything together," she told him, hurt creeping into her tone despite her attempts to keep it constrained.
"Depends on your definition of together . . . you telling me what we ought to do . . . and me doing it," Charming replied, cool as a cucumber.
Snow tried again. "Will you please stop and think about this?"
"I am thinking . . . about how much nicer Regina is . . ." his mouth curled up in a lazy smirk.
"After everything she did to us in the past you honestly believe that?" she gasped. Maybe this was a nightmare. If so, she prayed she'd wake up soon. "What is WRONG with you?"
"Oh stop acting like a jealous bitch!" he retorted. "Must be the hormones."
"I'm not acting jealous! I'm just wondering where the hell my husband is and who this bastard is they left me in his place?" she shrilled. There was something not right here . . . but she was so upset she couldn't think clearly.
"Maybe you never really knew me," he said.
"I do and this is not you," she began. "David . . . talk to me. . . .what is going on?" She waited for him to say something like Regina had enchanted him.
Instead he said, "I've changed my mind . . . I love Regina . . . she's sexy and sassy and rich . . . what more do I need?"
"A dose of reality!"
With that she kicked him hard in the nuts, as he was sprawled on the couch and it was too tempting of a target to resist, especially in the mood she was in.
"Oh my God! . . . I think . . . you've . . .made me infertile!" he croaked out, holding himself. He almost couldn't breathe, the agony was so great.
"Oh I hope I did, you son of a bitch!" his wife growled, her dark eyes flashing like an avenging angel's.
"Now there's a real princess . . ." He groaned. "been taking lessons from Mommy?"
"Didn't need to," Snow retorted.
"Damn . . . I don't think I can walk . . ." he whimpered.
"Ooooh, what a tragedy!" she mocked, shaking her dark head. "Deal with it."
Then she slammed out of the loft, leaving him to nurse his swollen head . . . and his hurt family jewels. She was going to Granny's, for a cup of tea and to tell Ruby all about what had gone on.
Page~*~*~*~*~*~Break
Regina's house
A few hours later:
Regina had gone to pick up Roland at his friend Max's. Max was the son of Jack and Jill, and often played with Roland, who was five to his six, and lived close by. Robin still hadn't returned home, and Regina hoped he was shopping for something nice, and not getting frustrated with the way things were done here.
She sat down across from Roland and smiled at him. "So how was your playdate?"
"Good," he answered, eating a piece of her apple pie with a big glass of milk. "But I got something to ask you."
"What?" she smiled at him, thinking how much he reminded her of Henry at that age, all big eyes and an adorable smile, with his brown hair hanging a little in his eyes. "Gina, why you gettin' presents from Mr. Jones, Mr. Nolan, and Mr. Gold? I thought you loved my daddy?"
Out of the mouths of babes! "I DO love your daddy, Roland1" she hastened to reassure him. "I don't understand why they're doing this. I don't want them to."
"Why they's givin' you presents? Daddy says you do that when you like somebody," Roland pointed out.
"Well . . .you know how we all worked together to get rid of that bad lady. . . I thought it was just to say thank you . . . . for that," she said awkwardly. At least that's what she tried to tell herself.
"Umm . . . yeah . . . the one who tried to take me away."
"I would never let that happen, sweetie," she told him sincerely.
"So you still want to marry Daddy?"
"More than anything."
"And be my new mommy?"
"Do you want me to be?" Regina was close to tears now.
"If you love me, yeah." Roland said.
"I do love you!" She came around the table and embraced him. "You're as much my son as Henry is and I don't want you to ever forget it!"
Roland kissed her cheek. "Okay. I love you too! Now let's find Daddy and tell him there's been a mistake . . ."
"If he believes me," Regina said uncertainly.
"If you tell him you love him and the presents were . . . just thank you's . . . he will . . ." Roland reassured her with a child's simple logic and belief.
Regina smiled. "I hope so, honey. Do you know where Daddy went?"
"Uh huh. To gets you a special surprise. At the store with the pretty jewel'ry."
"He has?" Regina gasped.
Roland nodded. "Uh oh! I wasn't supposed to tell you!"
"It's okay, sweetie."
"Will you keep it secret?"
"I will," she promised.
Roland smiled. "Okay! Then let's go find Daddy! He said he'd be done in . . . an hour . . .I think."
"All right, let's go."
"Yay!" he grabbed Regina's hand and skipped off towards the door, anxious to go and find Robin.
Page~*~*~*~*~Break
Roland saw Robin walking down the street before Regina did. His father was wearing a brown jacket with a sheepskin collar and black cargo pants and a forest green shirt, his dark hair brushed back from his head. He had his hands in his pockets and looked deep in thought. Roland suddenly pulled free of Regina and ran to him. "Daddy! Daddy!"
Regina looked up. "Robin?"
Robin hugged Roland, picking him up. "Hey, buddy! What are you doing here?" Then he saw Regina, and frowned. "Have you come to keep down the gossip? Or to start some?"
"What?"
He scowled at her. "You mean you don't know the way people are talking? About how you now have four men dancing attendance on you-like some debutante at a ball?"
"Robin, this is all a misunderstanding . . ."
"Is it? The why don't you tell me how the woman I thought I loved is suddenly accepting gifts from three different men?"
"Robin, they're my friends . . . nothing more than that." Regina protested. "I love you."
"But . . . I heard . . . Charming gave you chocolates and a card . .. and Killian gave you flowers . .. and Gold gave you Dom Perignon!" he cried.
"Those are the kind of gifts I would expect from them. . .but they are just that . . . gifts. For me helping them drive Zelena off."
"Then they don't mean anything more? You're not . . . considering them over me?" he sounded hurt, running a hand through his hair.
"I would NEVER do that," she reassured him.
Suddenly Roland spoke up. "Daddy, Gina loves you!"
"Is what he says true?" Robin asked softly.
"Yes, I love you! Only you!"
He looked into her eyes. He could see in an instant she wasn't lying. " I . . . believe you. But why are they giving you courting gifts? I mean, two of them are married and one's already in a relationship. It doesn't make sense!"
"No, it doesn't."
"What can we do about it?" he asked, relieved she didn't want any of those other guys, some of whom were richer, handsomer, and more powerful than he was.
"Robin, doesn't this seem off to you? It does to me. Now that I think about it."
"Umm . . . yeah but . . ."
She thought for a moment. "I think I need to have a talk with some people."
"Who?"
"Snow, Belle...and Emma."
"If they're willing to even speak with you."
"I have to try. I need to know what's going on."
"Okay . . . so where do you think they'd be right now?"
"I don't know but I'm going to find out." Just then she spotted Mary Margaret heading into Granny's. "I guess I know where to look first," she laughed nervously.
"Do you want me to come with you?"
"Yes. I may need you to back me up if things get . . . heated."
"Okay, will do."
Regina could feel the tension in the air when they walked into the diner. Emma, Snow, and Belle were discussing their husband's and lover's odd behavior, having a bitch fest, over in the booth in the corner while drinking coffee and iced tea.
They are going to want to string me up on the flagpost . . .she thought, approaching them. "Ladies. . . . I. . . . If I could have a few minutes of your time . . ." she began, pasting a sincere hopeful smile on her face.
She was met by icy stares from the other three.
"What do you want? Come to gloat?" demanded Snow.
Regina shook her head. "NO! This is all a misunderstanding!"
Emma scowled. "How's that? Did we misunderstand that all of a sudden our men are infatuated with you? What did you do?"
"What have you done to my Rumple?!" Belle growled, looking very much like she wanted to throw her iced tea all over the mayor.
"I did nothing!"
"Nothing doesn't make David act like a two-timing ass!" Snow declared.
"Look. If something happened to your men it was not my doing. One of Rumple's spells going wrong perhaps," she suggested.
"SOMEONE cast a spell on Rumple-I know it!" insisted Belle.
"At least someone is willing to listen to me," sighed Regina.
"He would never speak to me the way he has if he wasn't enchanted," continued the librarian.
"Robin knows I am innocent," Regina defended, waving a hand at Robin behind her.
"Ladies, please! Hear her out! I know this looks bad . . . hell, I thought so too at first . . . but there's something fishy about this whole thing. Won't you at least hear her side of it?" he persuaded, giving them a pleading look.
Emma grudgingly nodded. "Okay."
"Talk fast," said the schoolteacher.
"What sort of enchantment could cause Rumple to forget he ever loved me?" mused the beauty.
"A curse. One that targets hearts," Regina murmured, everything was slowly becoming clear now. "And one I thought I destroyed."
"What curse?" Belle asked.
"The Curse of the Empty Hearted. It's designed to make someone think they love you," Regina said heavily.
Snow gasped. "But . . . you tried to cast that on Henry!"
"And I burned it. . . . but. . . someone else knows about it. and I can only think of one who would want to use it, my dear sister," hissed Regina.
"Of course! Now it all makes sense!" blurted Snow.
Emma agreed. "She hates us!"
"And she would do anything to hurt Rumple and anyone else she feels is in her way," concluded Belle.
"Now we're talking," agreed Regina.
"So . . . how do you break the curse?" asked Emma.
"What breaks any curse, dear?" asked the sorceress, fighting not to roll her eyes. And this was the savior?
"True Love!" replied Belle.
"A kiss!" Snow added.
"Then I suggest you three stop sitting here complaining about it and do something about it," said the mayor tartly.
"Right! I'm going back to Rumple! No damn witch is going to take him from me! Not on my watch!"
"Robin, I think my big sister better start digging her grave," Regina smiled nastily.
"I'll lend her a shovel!" said Snow heatedly.
"And I'll push her in it!" her daughter added.
"No, that's my job," Regina pointed out. "You can all fill in the hole when I'm done."
"We can worry about getting her back later. The important thing now is freeing our menfolk from her curse!" Belle reminded, rising to her feet.
"Well to quote yours: then please stop wasting everyone's time and do it," Regina said sardonically.
"See you later," Belle tossed down some money and then she left.
Emma followed suit. "Bye! I need to find certain rogue and kiss him."
"Oh, I hope David's okay. I . . . umm . . . kicked him in a . . . sensitive area!" Snow said, flushing.
Robin winced. "Ouch!"
"I would have paid good money to see THAT," Regina grinned.
Snow blushed. "Umm . . . I got mad."
"And you aimed in the best spot," laughed her stepmother. "I taught you well."
"Remind me to never make you mad, dear." Robin coughed.
"Gotta run! Thank you! We'll talk some more later!" chirped Snow. Waving as she dashed away.
"Yes, we will. Now. . .what do you say you and I go on a little witch hunt?" she looked at the archer.
"Sure, hon. Just let me drop Roland off with Alan a Dale first," said Robin, indicating where the little boy was playing with one of his men across the room.
"All right, and bring your bow. Make sure you coat the arrows first."
"With what?"
"I may be able to scrounge up some squid ink...or dreamshade," she replied. "Looks like I'm going to be calling on a certain mermaid for another favor."
"Either would be good. And I'm sure Rumple will want to do some cursing of his own." He shivered. "You don't mess with the Dark One."
"And when the Dark One and Evil Queen join forces...you can be sure it's going to be hell," Regina said grimly.
"Not like she doesn't deserve it!" Robin snorted.
"She does and more." Then she kissed him.
Grinning, Robin kissed her back, one long sweet kiss.
"OOO! Daddy and Gina are KISSING!" Roland giggled as he came up to them.
Regina laughed. "Does that make you feel better, honey?"
"You bet, doll!" said Robin huskily.
"I was talking to our son," said Regina.
"Oh!"
"But...I am your doll," she said softly.
"Yup!" Roland grinned. "Daddy, I want ice cream!"
"Come on...we'll have some ice cream first," agreed the mayor.
Roland jumped up and down. "Whoo-hoo! I want cookies and cream!"
"Cookies and cream it is," smiled Regina, and she took the little boy's hand and together they all sat down to eat some ice cream.
Page~*~*~*~Break
"Rumple, we need to talk," Belle said, as she entered the pawnshop yet again.
Rumple looked up from sweeping the floor. "Back so soon, dearie? I guess you didn't get my memo."
Belle ignored the coldness in his tone. That was the curse talking. "I prefer to do things in person."
"Like be served alimony papers?" he mocked softly, his eyes glittering.
"They won't be needed," she said briskly.
"You planning on just separating then? You don't want any of my money?" he queried sarcastically. "How very noble of you, my dear."
"The only thing I want is you. . ." she said, then she approached him.
"What are you doing?" he asked as she drew close to him. He backed up, until his back touched the wall.
Then she took his face in his hands and kissed him, putting all of her love and her conviction into it.
Rumple blinked as True Love's Kiss swept over him. "B-Belle?"
"Rumple?" Belle asked softly.
"I . . . I . . . Belle, I wasn't myself . . . I'm so sorry!" Guilt wracked him as he recalled all of the awful things he'd said to her, and he was nearly in tears.
"I know sweetheart...I know...but we're going to take care of it," Belle hugged him."Apparently this didn't just affect you," his wife explained that Hook and Charming had also been cursed.
Rumple kissed her back, reveling in how passion now replaced the echoing emptiness. "How DARE she curse me like that? She used the Curse of the Empty Hearted on me!"
"It wasn't Regina," Belle informed him.
"Then who-Zelena!" he snarled.
"That-that—wicked reject from a terribly plotted fantasy novel!" Gold spat. "I can't even think of a name bad enough to call her right now."
"Bitch...hag..." Belle suggested.
"I can't believe she let me go . . . now I know why. But Belle . . . we need to get my dagger from her."
"And we will," she reassured him.
"I love you Belle. And only you!"
"You know there will never be anyone else for me but you."
"Or me, sweetheart. I swear by all that I am or will ever be. And as soon as we're done kicking Zelena's green ass, we're going on a second honeymoon to Hawaii."
She smiled. "I'm looking forward to it."
"Me too! And thank you for understanding. I'm lucky you didn't kill me."
"I could never do that."
"Well, I could kick my own ass for what I said to you," he coughed.
"No, I need you to be in good condition for our honeymoon," she reminded him. "Besides, you've suffered enough at that witch's hands. You don't need to add to it."
"Okay, dearie!" he laughed.
"Besides, I think Regina has something nasty planned for her," Belle mused.
"Well, she's going to have to get in line . . ." Rumple growled grimly.
"Let's concentrate on the dagger first," Belle said.
"Yes, right. I suppose we can meet up with Regina and Robin . . . and Emma and the Charmings."
"Well, we were at the diner."
"You can call Regina and tell her we need to meet . . . here. I have protections over this shop that she can't see past. Zelena, I mean," Gold said.
"Good. I'll do that now," Belle nodded, then picked up the phone.
Page~*~*~*~*~Break
"David..." Snow called as she approached her husband, who was lying on the couch, supine, with an ice pack over his groin.
"Snow? You come to finish what you've started?"
"I came to say I'm sorry. I know what's going on now," she said, and stroked his hair away from his head.
"Besides you trying to unman me?" he asked a bit sharply, trying to sit up a little.
"I...may have lost my temper," she admitted.
"You think?"
"I just didn't understand why you could just turn your back on us after all we've been through. It's not you," his wife began. "And especially not now with the baby on its way."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying you're under a curse, David. You all were...you Rumple and Hook," Snow revealed. "And there's only one person who would choose you three in particular to cast such a curse."
"A . . . curse?" he repeated.
"One that makes you think you love someone...and be cold to the one you do."
"You mean . . .?"
"Yes...the same one Regina tried to use on Henry." Snow clarified. "But we can break it if you are willing."
"So I'm not really . . . in love with Regina?"
"No, you're not." She smiled. "There's only one way to remember who your true love is."
Then she kissed David, giving him a kiss that made him ache in an entirely different way . . . and broke the curse over him.
David gasped. Then he grinned and said, "You found me!"
"Did you ever doubt I would?" she crooned. "I will always find you, Charming!"
Laughing, he kissed her back.
"I can't believe I said I loved Regina!"
"I can't believe i kicked you...there."
"Uh . . . neither can I. You have a darn good knee!"
"Regina actually taught me that." Snow admitted.
"Figures!" he snorted.
"It when she was actually being nice to me as my stepmother . . . and I never forgot it."
"I almost wish you did." He said ruefully.
"I am sorry," she said guiltily.
"Don't be. I deserved it."
"You weren't the only one affected. Hook and Rumple were too."
"Oh no! Emma must be frothing. Is Hook alive?" asked Charming worriedly.
"I hope so," Snow chuckled.
"Maybe we'd better call her, just in case. And Rumple too."
"I have a feeling rumple already knows. Belle was the first one to leave the diner."
"True."
"And Regina has a plan for her sister," the princess told him.
"I'd like to kick her butt hard!" Charming scowled.
"I think we may have to wait in line, but that's okay."
"We should call Emma and see if she's okay," Charming prompted.
"Yes, let's." Snow agreed and gets out her phone.
Page~*~*~*~*~Break
Emma found Hook aboard the Jolly Roger, having some rum with his crew. "Hey, Captain!" called the look out in the crow's nest. "Ye have a visitor."
Hook peered up and saw Emma standing there. "Hiya, Swan. You come to join the party?"
"No, I've come to talk some sense into you," she responded.
"You planning on wasting some more good rum doing it?" he joked.
"No. Just doing . .. this."
Without further ado, she kissed him hard.
Her kiss worked its magic, and freed him of the Curse of the Empty Hearted.
"Whoa there, love! Getting a little carried away, are we?" Hook laughed, and pulled her on his lap.
"Not yet," she smiled. "I have things to discuss with you. In private."
"Then let's away to my cabin, honey." He gave her a roguish grin. "Billy, see that nobody disturbs us."
They retired to Hook's captain's quarters, and Emma told him what had gone on. Before she had reached the end of the tale, her phone rang.
Page~*~*~*~*Break
They all gathered for a council of war in Gold's shop. "All right, now that we're all here, it's time to teach my sister a lesson," Regina began.
"And I want my husband back. She's made him her slave long enough," Belle declared, her blue eyes fierce.
" I say we just douse her with water," Emma snorted.
Rumple shook his head. "That's too easy. I want her to pay in spades for what she's done to me. She let me go because she wanted me to hurt Belle . . . to be her catspaw. Well, I'm done with that, dearie."
"Then how do we stop her?" asked Snow.
"One of her weakneses is her emerald pendant. She's used it to store a great deal of her power before coming here. She bragged about it to me. We need to take it away," said the pawnbroker.
"Who's going to get close enough to her to do that? You? She can throw you back with the dagger," David pointed out.
"He's resisting its pull," Belle informed them.
"What we need is a sneak attack," Robin said. "She's holed up in that blasted farmhouse with her monkeys keeping watch."
"I am, but it's getting . . . difficult. I need to get it away from her. And she won't fall for the same trick twice. Any ideas?" Rumple queried.
"Someone distract her while one of us gets it off her," said Killian.
" Who?" Belle asked.
"I'll get it off her scrawny neck," gritted out Regina.
" And that leaves us menfolk to distract her." Robin said. He smirked.
"So what shall we do?" Charming wanted to know.
Rumple sighed. "Maybe I can pretend to be her servant again . . ."
"Or...can we suggest the curse had a little side effect" mused the archer.
" What the bloody hell do you mean and why am I not liking it?" demanded Hook suspiciously.
Regina laughed. "I think I know exactly what he means."
Hook gave her a dark look. "What does he mean?"
" Giving her a dose of her own medicine," Regina said gleefully.
" Ewww! Rumple is NOT kissing that tart again!" Belle snapped, revulsion in her eyes.
"He won't have to...she'll be a bit busy," Regina explained.
Rumple rubbed his hands together. "Let's make HER fall in love . . with something totally unsuitable-like a pig or a warthog."
Emma howled with laughter. "A frog!"
"To match her green skin!" Belle chuckled.
Regina giggled.
"Brilliant! The frog witch!" Snow sniggered.
"And when she kisses it-instead of the frog becoming a prince-she becomes a frog!" Rumple cackled.
"Forever?" was his wife's next question.
Rumple grinned evilly. "What do you think, dearie?"
Belle grinned. "It's perfect."
Regina began to tick off points on her fingers. "Okay, so we need to get the dagger back, turn her into a frog, and make sure her emerald's destroyed."
"Getting the dagger's gonna be the hard part," Snow predicted.
Regina looked thoughtful. "I think it's time we did a little wicked west rematch."
"You want to duel her again?" muttered Charming.
" I'm wiser to her tricks now," Regina stated. "And I have backup."
"Me," said her fiancé.
" Watch out, mate, she's a tricky bitch."
"That's where squid ink is going to come in handy...along with a bow that never misses its target," the sorceress explained.
"Then you found some?" asked the savior.
" Sent Ariel on a little errand. Her and Eric anyway with the help of Jefferson's restored hat"
Rumple nodded. "Good. Then here's how we play it . . . us three-he indicated the three men-will still act like we're . . err . . . fawning over Regina. Then Regina will send sister dearie a message. Kind of like "meet me on main street for a rematch at the OK corral"." He gave a sheepish smirk. "I like Westerns. Big fan of the Duke. Anyway, that should get her here . . ."
"Zelena's so full of herself she can't resist trying to show me up."
Belle turned to Rumple. "Seeing you fawning over another woman, Rumple. You will be making it up to me."
"They all will." Said Snow firmly.
"You know I will, sweetheart. And it's as distasteful to me as it is to you." He made a face.
"Right, Killian?" Emma gave him a Look.
"Of course, love. We'll have a romantic getaway on my ship after . . . with lots of rum and stuff . . ." he promised with a lewd wink.
Rumple rolled his eyes heavenward. "Pirates!"
"We can go house hunting, Snow! And pick out baby furniture!" Charming blurted.
Robin groaned. "Princes!"
Regina looked at Belle. "I'd say we got the two best of the lot, don't you?" She winked at her.
"Yes, we did," Belle agreed.
" Well, Robin...how are you going to make it up to me?"
"That's for me to know and you to find out, my lady."
"Ooh, I love a man of mystery!"
" And a man who doesn't kiss your feet," remarked the Dark One.
"Well, I wouldn't say that," remarked Belle and she grinned wickedly.
Rumple pretended to be shocked. "Dearie, what HAVE you been reading lately?"
Belle imitated Robin. "That's for me to know and you to find out, my sexy beast."
Regina rolled her eyes.
"I can guess it . . .later." He gave his wife a smoldering look from beneath his lashes. "I like guessing games."
" Well, before we have a major make out session here I'm going to go prepare to give my big sister a one way ticket to hell," the Evil Queen said coldly.
"I'll go polish my bow and inspect my arrows and tip them. Rumple, will one arrow do it, or do I need more?" asked Robin.
"Coat all of them and not just the tips. Right, Rumple?" Regina instructed.
"Correct, dearie. This way when the arrow penetrates her, she'll get a full dose. And when she goes to pull it out, she'll get it on her hands."
"Black arrows. I like it!"
"Black is OUR color," Regina remarked.
"True, dearest."
"Oh, gods! He's like one of those sappy minstrels singing about his true love gone a 'maying!" Hook groaned.
"Oh and you're not?" Robin retorted.
"Err . . ." Emma glared at him. "Well . . . only sometimes . . ."
"When he's had too much to drink," put in David.
Rumple burst out laughing.
"Oh, snap!" giggled Regina.
"Dad!"
"Your father was kidding," interjected her mother.
"No, he wasn't," Regina commented.
"David!"
"What? It was an observation! Some guys need to . . . drink before they loosen up . . ."
"Mate, please!" begged the pirate.
Rumple was still laughing. "I'd shut up, Nolan. You're sticking your foot deeper into your mouth with every word."
"Come on, Robin, we have work to do."
"We do indeed. So let's away . . .we'll contact you, Belle, when we've sent the letter."
" All right."
As the mayor and her beloved exited the shop, Emma said, "Let's go, Mr. Jones. As I recall . . . you still owe me an apology . . ."
Hook winced. "Uh, yeah, love, about that . . ." He followed her out.
Page~*~*~*~Break
Zelena peered through her crystal ball and hissed. "Well, sis, how does it feel to have the whole town despising you again? It feels...wonderful to me!"She petted her flying monkey, scratching behind its bat wings. Then she watched as the men knock on Regina's door one after the other, and bring her more gifts, smiling infatuatedly at her. Robin scowls in the background.
"I love it when my plans bear fruit . . . poisonous fruit!" The monkey screeched in approval.
Soon after that the message arrives-appearing by magic on her doorstep. A monkey brought it to her.
Zelena took the missive and read it. "So . . . baby sister wants to play . . .fine! I'll play . . . and this time I'll send her crying home to mommy!" She let loose with a wicked cackle. Her monkeys jumped up and down in delight.
Page~*~*~*~*~Break
Main Street:
Regina waited on the street, composed in her black ensemble. Up above, Robin had concealed himself on the rooftop and was awaiting her signal to shoot, his bow at the ready. Around Regina were Gold, Hook, and David, giving her lovesick puppydog eyes. Behind them, the others were glaring at them angrily. The townsfolk, like last time, had gathered about waiting to see if Regina's challenge would be answered.
They waited . . . and waited. The clock tower struck six o'clock. Then Zelena made her grand entrance
on her broom with her monkeys escorting her, her black cloak flying out behind her, her hat perched rakishly on her head, grinning her signature wicked smile.
"Oh look, it's an unidentified flying bitch," Emma sneered.
" Looks more like an Alien to me. Where's the mother ship?" Belle shot back.
" Honey-she IS the mother ship," Snow retorted.
Zelena landed on the ground and stepped casually off her broom. "Sorry I'm late." Then she laughed, tossing her head. "No, I'm just in time." She glanced about. "It seems that my sister has earned herself a few admirers."
She approached Belle, smirking. "Poor Belle, so determined to fight for her true love...only to fail. It looks like you put your faith in the wrong sister, dear."
"I put my faith where I always have-in true love," answered Belle smoothly.
"Then you are even more a fool." She produced the dagger from her leg sheath. "Now he belongs to both of us. For now. She waved the dagger, summoning Rumple to her side." To me, Dark One!"
Belle gritted her teeth and glared at Zelena.
Rumple came, like a well trained dog.
"Now be a good boy and stay!" drawled the witch.
Rumple cast his eyes down. "Yes, Mistress. I hear and obey." In his head he thought Screw you, bitch!
"I need to have a little chat with my sister," the wicked witch purred.
"Talk is cheap. Let's get to it," Regina snapped.
" Anxious are we? You weren't so the first time."
"I was busy . . . doing something you've never had the guts to . . .or the need either . . . you pitiful old maid hag," sneered her sister.
"Oh, and what would that be, I wonder? Seducing everything with pants? They despise you as much as me." Zelena bared her teeth in a cruel smile.
"So you think! You don't know half as much as you think-greenie!"
"Like you said: talk is cheap. Let's get on with this, shall we?"
"Okay . . . you asked for it, sis." She made a signal in the air with her hand. . . and Robin fired the arrow. The black bolt streaked through the air, hitting Zelena in the shoulder, sending her staggering backwards.
"Bitch! You . .. shot me!" she panted. She went to pull out the arrow, and got her fingers coated with squid ink. "W...What have you DONE!"
Regina smirked. "It's called payback, Zelena. Ain't it a bitch!"
The wicked witch coughed sharply as she felt her limbs grow heavy. "I...I'll...get you... . . my pretty."
"And your little dog too eh?" Emma said sarcastically. "She was a better wicked witch than you, you pathetic wanna-be!"
People started laughing at Emma's wit.
"Dark One . . ." Zelena began, but the ink worked too quickly for her to finish her command. The witch froze like a statue. Belle stepped forward and yanked the dagger out of her hand.
"I'll take that!"
Rumple lifted his head, and in his eyes burned the fires of vengeance. "No one holds ME captive, dearie!"
He gestured-"Or makes a mockery out of my true love!"-Then he said—"Cupid's arrow, fly swift and true-strike home, and bring thy true love to you!"
"NOOOOOOO!" moaned Zelena.
Granny stared. "What's happening to her?"
Emma replied, "Oh, nothing, she's just . .. falling in love-with him!" She waved a hand and a frog hopped up to Zelena. " Honey, I'm ho-o-ome!"
Snow giggled at her daughter's wicked wit.
David came and hugged his wife.
" Pucker up, sis!" hooted Regina.
" We all know you wanna-kiss the frog!" Rumple sang.
Zelena made an unintelligible sound.
Belle picked up the frog and brought it to her. "Now, be nice. Warty here loves bad girls . . .and he came all this way . . . just to ask for your hand . . .so do the right thing . . and kiss the frog!"
Zelena moaned in denial but was helpless to do anything. And in her eyes was a queer light.
"It could be a prince . . . in disguise!" Snow murmured.
Suddenly Zelena regained her power of speech. "I will NOT kiss a damned amphibian!"
" Oh, yes you will!" Regina snarled.
Rumple shook a finger at her. "Now, don't be ungrateful, young lady. You either kiss that frog . . . or we can spend an hour in my dungeon . . . with the rack and thumbscrews and a filleting knife . . . what d'you say?"
As the spell takes hold, Zelena lowered her head and pressed her lips to the frog's head.
A cold white mist washed over them . . . and when it clears . . there are two frogs sitting on the pavement.
"Ribbit!" croaked the greener of the two.
"True loves reunited-it's a beautiful thing," clapped Belle. She had never been so happy to see anyone get a magical spell put on them than she was right then.
"RIBBIT!" Zelena croaked loudly.
Hook licked his lips. "Mmm-frog legs!"
The two frogs started hopping away.
Regina picked up the pendant holding Zelena's dark magic and throws it back down on the ground. When she had transformed it had been left behind.
"Blast and damn! There goes dinner!" sighed Hook regretfully.
Emma laughed.
Regina stepped on the pendant, crushing it beneath her high heeled boot.
" I don't care for frog legs anyway," Emma said, and put her arm around him.
A green putrid smoke rose up and it curled around the dagger in Belle's hand . . .and something unforeseen happened . . .
"What the hell?" muttered Regina.
Rumple went white. "It's . . .erasing . . . my name . . ." Stricken, he fell to the ground.
"Rumple!" screamed Belle. She sprinted to him, cradled his head in her hands and gave him True Love's Kiss.
Robin appeared from where he was hiding and came to Regina. "What's happening?"
"I don't know...it looks like it's punishing Rumple for defying his mistress," mused the sorceress."Or his curse is breaking!"
"It's the curse breaking! Look at the dagger!" she pointed to it.
"True love breaks any and all curses," recited Snow.
Rumple's name was erased from the dagger-and Zelena's appeared in its place.
Regina looked alarmed. "That can't be good!"
Then she remembered her dear sister was now a frog and they had the dagger.
Rumple sat up in Belle's embrace. "Transference, dearie. Belle's kiss broke my curse . . . and then the Dark One curse needed a new host . . . and it latched onto her because she was the strongest evil entity around . . .and she accepted it . . ."
"While a frog," Regina laughed.
Rumple giggled. "It's not easy being green!"
Emmawhistled the Muppet theme song and they all crack up laughing.
"Do you think we should...call her back?" Belle asked. "Can't she transform?"
Rumple shook his head. "No. Not so long as I possess the dagger. She'll be an immortal frog . . .until something makes her their lunch . . ."
Hook gave a wicked smile.
"NO!" Emma cried, revolted. "You want frog legs, you get them at Granny's."
"And then . . . her spirit will go into the void and be trapped in the Vault of Shadows-for all eternity!" finished Regina.
"Anybody got a fork?" Killian asked.
"EWWW!" grimaced Snow.
"NO!" shouted Emma again.
"He's your boyfriend!" She looks at Rumple lovingly. "Thank God!"
" I'm not going to have you puking all over my house from indigestion, Killian!"
"So disgusting!" Regina looked at Hook and frowned.
Roland ran up—"Now that the bad ole witch is gone-let's have ice cream!"
" Oh, like YOU wouldn't do it, Regina," snorted the captain of the Jolly Roger.
"No. I'm a lot of things but even I draw the line at eating family members. Tantalus I'm not. I am taking Roland for ice cream...where's your daddy, honey?"
Robin came up behind her and kissed her neck. "Right here, my lady."
Regina smiled. "-and here's MY hero!" They walked off together with Roland skipping along beside them.
Snow kissed David. " And here's mine!"
"Mine's right here, even if he does have this obsession with frog legs-" sighed Emma, then she kissed Killian.
Rumple stood up and drew Belle into his arms. "And here's my heroine."
"Welcome back, beloved." Then she kissed him breathless.
"Okay, okay, we're wasting good celebration time . . . and beer!" Leroy cried.
A week later:
In a dark part of the woods surrounding Storybrooke, two frogs are sitting on a lily pad when down swooped a hawk and snatched one up in her talons. The hawk flew with a squirming frog in its talons towards a nest where hungry chicks await her return with gaping mouths . . .and the last thing the former witch said is-ribbit!