Disclaimer: All characters are the property of Square-Enix and/or Disney.
Warnings: A little language, suggestive themes and silliness. Not exactly an original concept. AU CloudxLeon
Author's Note: This was written in the spirit of good-natured fun and intends no offense towards any author, character or pairing. I am a firm believer that all is fair in love and fanfiction.
Old Soldiers Never Die
"What's wrong?" Cloud asked, slipping his hand into Leon's with a small smile, the barest trace of concern hiding behind the sparkle in his beautiful blue eyes. His boyfriend was brooding.
It was something he didn't do all that often anymore, so it worried Cloud a little when he did. Cloud liked to believe it was their relationship that had lightened Leon's outlook on life, but it might have just been time and maturity; perhaps Leon had simply outgrown it. The older man had changed a lot over the years they had been together – they both had – and as proof of that fact, Leon returned his lover's smile and gently squeezed the slightly smaller hand in his. "Nothing really," he answered, but then lapsed back into his introspective silence. Cloud waited, watching the children on the swings.
It was uncommonly cool for late August, with the hint of an early autumn on the afternoon breeze, but the park bench they shared was still warm from the summer sun. 'Barefoot, sweater weather', Cloud would have called it back in the days of his childhood – chilly enough to warrant a sweater, yet the earth was still warm enough beneath your feet to go without shoes. Just the sort of day he had loved so much as a boy.
As soon as school let out, he would hightail it off to his favorite spot – a small, hidden meadow tucked away in the mountains – and there he would idle away the rest of the afternoon with the sun on his face and the warmth from the earth seeping into his body, curling his toes in the cool green grass while the white cotton clouds in the impossibly blue autumn sky carried his dreams to such wondrous places. Cloud felt a small stab of nostalgia, thinking of those days long past and dreams long forgotten, but he wouldn't have hesitated to trade the lot of them for the man sitting beside him.
Maybe that's what was bothering Leon, he suddenly realized; Leon always got a little melancholy in the fall. He didn't do well with changes, with the endings of things.
"It's just ... it's silly," Leon finally stated rather sheepishly, rubbing his forehead with the hand not holding Cloud's. A light wash of color crept across his cheeks.
Cloud continued to wait patiently, giving Leon the time he needed to arrange his thoughts into meaningful words and eventually, hopefully, share them, but when he finally did, it was not what Cloud would have ever expected. Even now, when they understood one another so well, the man was still capable of surprising him.
"Have you noticed there aren't as many stories being written about us anymore?"
"Well, I suppose that's true," Cloud answered slowly, "but I'd have thought that would please you – finally getting a little privacy."
"It does," Leon stressed, and then added more softly, "and it doesn't. It's just that sometimes I feel like everybody has moved on without us. Like we've been ... left behind." Then he chuckled softly – a deep, throaty sound that still sent waves of desire flooding through Cloud's body, even after all these years. "I told you it was silly."
Ah, so maybe it was just those old abandonment issues cropping up again.
"Well, they probably have moved on, Lee," Cloud agreed. "The younger ones, at least. Even fanfic writers eventually have to grow up. Real life calls. You know – college, career, marriage. Kids. You can't expect them to stick around forever. They have their own lives to live."
"I know, but even the ones that are still writing don't write about us anymore. They've all moved on to other fandoms – things like ... like ... that doctor show on tv ... or that Ace-Attorney-Phoenix guy. And even the ones that are still writing KH would rather write about the Organization members. It's all AkuRoku this and Zemyx that. Not that I blame them," he added with a self-deprecating snort. "Who would want to write a story about a middle-aged mayor? Nobody would read it. It just makes me feel so boring and old."
"Oh," Cloud said with a soft chuckle, little light finally clicking on in his brain. "This wouldn't have anything to do with your birthday, would it?"
"Maybe," Leon mumbled, blushing again. His lover knew him too well.
"Well," Cloud shrugged, "we are sort of boring. But I would hardly say you're over the hill just yet," he chided softly, placing a chaste kiss on Leon's cheek. "You're still a very handsome, sexy, virile man.
"But take a look around: Radiant Garden is completely restored – thanks to you, I might add – and there aren't any Heartless left to fight anymore. The battles have all been fought, the worlds have all been saved, and the villains all defeated. Ultimecia's been banished to oblivion for years now, and surely, even Square wouldn't bring Sephiroth back again."
Leon's brow furrowed into a slight frown as he cast a troubled look at his boyfriend, but he let the statement pass without comment. If his lover wanted to hide his head in the clouds, who was Leon to burst his delusional little bubble?
"We're all getting old and boring, Cloud continued, not noticing Leon's worried glance. "Barret traded in his gattling gun for a normal prosthesis years ago, and Vincent finally retired his claw and, thank goodness, that ratty old cape. Though I have to admit he does look rather ooc in regular street clothes," Cloud giggled.
"And what about Yuna and Rikku and Paine? They gave up treasure hunting in favor of hosting that silly, afternoon talk show on tv, and Yuffie traded in both her 'Professional Materia Hunter' and 'Ninja Extraodinaire' titles for 'Married With Children', heaven help them. Even Sora has hung up his keyblade and is back on DI sipping piña coladas with Riku.
"And take a look at Zell. Since he settled down with the library girl and decided his hands could be put to better use making jewelry, the only part of his body getting a good workout is his gut from all those hot dogs and beers. At least no one can accuse you of letting yourself go to pot," he whispered seductively in Leon's ear, lovingly running his free hand over Leon's still rock-hard abs to emphasize his point. "You may be getting older, but you're aging very nicely."
Leon made a show of rolling his eyes, but it failed to disguise the pleased little smile that tugged at one corner of his mouth.
"The point I'm trying to make here, Leon, is that we've all moved on. It's the next generation's turn to save the world now, but that doesn't necessarily mean our story is over."
"I know," Leon sighed. "It's just that there's so few new stories being written about us these days. And what about all those old fics that have been placed on permanent hiatus or flat-out discontinued?" Abandoned. "Some of them were really good, but they haven't been updated in years, and I hate that. We're never going to know how they turn out. It's so depressing.
"Especially the ones that get right up to the juicy part and then just ... stop. Dead. Lead you on and then leave you hanging. It makes me so sad, even my balls are blue."
"Well, it's probably just a really bad case of writer's block," Cloud chuckled. "Or maybe they aren't comfortable writing lemons."
"I don't care about lemons or limes, or apples or oranges," Leon replied, "but at least let me kiss you, for heaven's sake. Fluff is fine."
And people thought Leon didn't have a romantic bone in his body. Cloud smiled at his boyfriend lovingly. "So we'll just have to write our own ending," he suggested. "A happy ending, and leave the future world-saving to Noctis and Lightning. I know I'm looking forward to a little peace and quiet, myself, and god knows, we deserve it.
"And poor Seph, he's just as tired of all the fighting as we are. At least you and I get to be heroes; I can't imagine how tiresome it must be having to be the bad guy all the time – every game, every story, every video. No one will let him have a moment's peace when all he really wants to do is settle down with Quistis and raise a family."
"Sephiroth and Quisty?" Leon raised his brow. "Nobody even ships them."
"There's a few," Cloud corrected. "You'd be surprised. I keep my ear to the grapevine."
"Wow. Sephiroth and Quistis. And kids. Imagine that. So what else is news?"
"That you haven't already heard? Well, let's see ... Irvine and Selphie decided to move to Centra and rebuild the old orphanage, but I'm pretty sure I already told you that?"
Leon nodded.
"Hmmm ... Rude finally grew a set of balls and asked Tifa out?"
Leon nodded again.
"Oh, I know," Cloud cried, smacking himself on the forehead; how could he have forgotten that? "Reno finally agreed to stop whoring around and tie the knot with Rufus!"
"Yeah, until the next pretty piece of ass walks by," Leon scoffed. "We've all heard that one before."
"No it's absolutely official this time," Cloud insisted. "Tseng confirmed it. Which reminds me; don't let me forget to dig our tuxedos out of storage – we'll be needing them for the ceremony next month. And yes, you have to go," he added quickly, nipping Leon's protest before it even had a chance to bud.
"Ugh," Leon groaned. He hated wearing a tux. And he would have to make small talk and mingle, and eat unidentified finger foods ... and cake, and Cloud would want to dance, and...
"And Aerith's expecting again," Cloud continued, moving right along, "but that's hardly surprising."
Cloud's blatant attempt at changing the subject did not go undetected by Leon, but he decided to let the matter pass for the moment. There was still plenty of time to try to weasel his way out of the wedding. Or for Reno to weasel his way out of the wedding, and had Leon been a betting man, he would have put his money on Red. He knew his own odds of winning weren't nearly as good.
"So, how many does that make now?" he snorted, returning his attention to the topic at hand. "Fourteen?"
"Six," Cloud corrected, and then sighed. "She and Zack make such a cute couple, don't you think?"
When Leon didn't respond, instead growing silent again, Cloud mentally smacked himself for mentioning 'Zack' and 'cute' in the same sentence – he knew how insecure Leon got about his ex. He had a self-defeating habit of measuring himself against Cloud's former lover, and always came up short.
Cloud knew the feeling well.
The over-abundance of Zack/Cloud fics didn't help any either, and then, just when Cloud had finally convinced his boyfriend that his feelings for Zack were a thing of the past, Crisis Core had come out and renewed a lot of interest in the pairing, as well as Leon's fears.
Luckily, that didn't seem to be what was bothering him at the moment. "Do you ever ... want kids?" he asked quietly.
"No way," Cloud snorted. "With all the shit Hojo put in my body? There's no telling what sort of mutant monster I might beget. Besides, Lee, last time I checked, we were both guys. You haven't been reading MPregs again, have you?"
Leon gave Cloud one of his infamous glares. "I was talking about adoption, darling."
"Leon, honeybunch, we can hardly raise ourselves; how could we possibly raise a kid? As emotionally retarded and socially inept as both of us are, can you imagine how much damage we could do to an impressionable young mind?
"And in spite of all those stories portraying me as the motherly, Little-Miss-Homemaker type, I don't really like kids all that much. And you know what I'm like in the kitchen."
Leon nodded amen to that and breathed a big sigh of relief. "Thank god. I just ... we've never really talked about it before."
"Well, don't worry; I don't want any kids. I don't even want a dog, though a cat might be tolerable. At least they're not always trying to lick you in the face. The only one allowed to lick my face is you, sugar dumplin'. Besides, I'm not so sure we could even keep anything alive. I had a goldfish once ... or was that just a story?"
"That was a story, and it died."
"Well, see, there you go; so no to the kids." Cloud said, snuggling in closer and laying his head on Leon's shoulder. "Besides, you're all I want. Or need. I love you, Leon, and you don't need any sappy fanfic writers to tell you that."
"You're right," Leon said, squeezing Cloud's hand once again. "And god knows, I certainly won't miss all those stories where they kill you off and leave me all alone. I hate those the most of all. They leave me sad for days."
"Well, I won't miss them either," Cloud agreed. "I don't exactly enjoy being killed off, you know. And I sure as hell won't miss all the abuse – I'm tired of being tortured and tormented, bullied and beaten and raped. I've been cursed with every affliction, disease and disorder known to man, including impotence, mental retardation, and bad teeth.
"And I'm really, really tired of being dressed up in women's clothing. Just because of that one little incident, everybody seems to think I'd make the perfect Barbie Doll. Don't these people know I had to do it? It was in the goddamn script, for heaven's sake. It doesn't mean I liked it. I'm not just some pretty little sex toy for everybody's pleasure, you know. I'm not," Cloud insisted, working himself into a state.
"Does this mean you won't be wearing that sexy little maid outfit I bought you for your birthday?" Leon asked.
"Exactly. That was my birthday present," Cloud asserted, giving Leon a very pointed look, "which means that you'll be the one wearing it. Besides, black and white and frilly is more your style, snookums. You know I only do black."
"All right already. You can stop with all the stupid endearments now," Leon snarled. "You've made your point. I'm sorry I called you darling, and I'll never do it again. And speaking of frilly," he groaned, "Have you seen my new outfit in Dissidia? As if the fluffy collar wasn't enough, now I have to put up with those fruity little hip flaps too? I mean, seriously, did I do something to piss Nomura off? I know my personality tends to rub people the wrong way, but you would think that, if anyone, Nomura would understand that it's just my character."
Cloud nodded commiseratively, still brooding over his own in-game wardrobe. "Well, at least Nomura's never made you wear a tiara. Or bikini briefs," he choked. "It's just more fodder for the fangirls, and there's no telling to what lengths they'll take it. Honestly, wherever do they come up with such perverted ideas," he grumbled.
"Oh, I don't know ... the Honeybee maybe?" Leon suggested timidly, probably not the wisest response.
"Not everybody went to the Honeybee," Cloud growled. "It was an entirely optional part of the game."
"Trust me," Leon said, seemingly determined to dig his own grave. "Everybody is fully aware of what went on in the Honeybee."
"That damn Mukki," Cloud muttered under his breath.
"And as far as the whole torture thing goes, you'd have to blame that one on Hojo. Even you have to admit that after soaking in his lab for almost five years, you pretty much reeked of victim vibes."
"That was Mako," Cloud said between clenched teeth. "And what would you know about torture, anyway? All you ever had to put up with was a little light electrocution from Seifer."
"It wasn't all that light," Leon protested. "And don't forget about having to drag the darling princess through most of the game attached to my leg," Leon reminded him. "If that doesn't count as torture, I don't know what does.
"And you're not the only one subject to abuse by fanfic writers, you know. People just love reading – and writing – a whole lot more into that situation with Seifer than actually happened. Either that, or they insist on making me get down on one knee and spew forth absolutely vomit-inducing declarations of undying love for Rinoa.
"Seriously, do I strike you as the sort of person to get down on one knee and regurgitate mushy vows of love? No, of course not. Yet they seem to think I am unable to even exist as a separate entity apart from the angel. And as if that weren't enough, I also, evidently, suffer from anorexia, self-mutilation and fits of inconsolable sobbing. Squall Leonhart does not cry," Leon muttered.
"Well, you were kind of a crybaby about your Sis," Cloud pointed out. Payback for the Honeybee.
"I was just a little kid, for Hyne's sake."
"And then there was that part near the end when you were lost in time com–"
"That was one little tear," Leon growled defensively. "One lousy little tear does not constitute uncontrollable sobbing." It was obviously a sore subject for him.
Let no man question Squall Leonhart's masculinity, even if he did wear tight leather pants and a sexy little jacket with a fluffy fur collar. Just because Nomura had wanted to 'challenge' his co-workers, Leon was saddled with this stigma for life.
Cloud seemed to take pity on his boyfriend, or perhaps he just had a better sense of self-preservation, and decided to once again change the subject. "What ever happened to Rinoa, anyway?" he asked. "Last I heard she was still back in Timber."
Leon shrugged. "You know we never kept in touch. I don't think she was too happy with me after I told her I was gay and go away."
"No, I would guess not," Cloud chuckled.
"I thought she knew," Leon said, shaking his head. "but then I guess the poor girl never did have very good instincts when it came to men. First me and Seifer, then Zone and Watts. It must have been rather frustrating to keep losing her boyfriends to her other boyfriends."
They shared a small laugh at Rinoa's expense, though it was more over her clueless bad luck than out of any real dislike for the girl. Neither one of them hated Rinoa; it was just that she was a whole lot easier to like from a distance.
The breeze suddenly turned even chillier as the sun began to go down, causing a small shiver to flutter through Cloud's body, and Leon automatically tucked him in closer, wrapping him up in his warmth. Cloud gratefully accepted, snuggling deeper into Leon's arms and nuzzling against his favorite spot on Leon's neck. His skin was warm and faintly spicy.
Leon twisted his head downward to press a light kiss to the corner of Cloud's mouth and then nestled into his lover's soft hair with a satisfied sigh. "And you're right," he whispered contentedly. "Who needs silly stories when we have the real thing."
"Of course I'm right," Cloud boasted lazily. "Besides, just you wait. As soon as Dissidia is released in the States, you'll be wishing you'd never even heard of fanfiction." Then a frown suddenly darkened his face as an unpleasant thought crossed his mind. "Those damn fangirls will be pairing you up with everybody from Golbez to Bartz."
"Or Terra," Leon groaned. Terra was nice, but she was a girl. Some fanfiction writers just didn't get it. Must be related to Rinoa.
"Or Firion," Cloud grumbled. He had noticed Firion eyeballing his boyfriend, and he was sure those damn fangirls hadn't missed it either. They had they ability to pick up on subtle sexual undertones even when they weren't there.
"Or Tidus," Leon added, secretly enjoying his boyfriend's rare display of jealousy.
"Or Luneth," Cloud contributed.
"Luneth?" Leon grimaced. "The Onion Knight is just a little kid. I'm not a pedophile."
"Oh yeah? Well, tell that to all those Leon/Sora shippers out there," Cloud pouted. It was just too cute.
"Well, as long as they don't make me have sex with Kefka or Monkey Boy," Leon laughed.
"Um ..." Cloud rubbed at the back of his neck.
"They've already made me have sex with Kefka or Monkey Boy?"
"Um ..." Cloud answered eloquently once more.
"Both?" Leon sweatdropped.
Cloud nodded apologetically. "Well at least they haven't paired you with Mr Sexually Ambiguous." Yet.
"Kuja? You're kidding," Leon snickered. "Of all the rotten luck."
"Tell me about it," Cloud griped. "And you know it's only a matter of time before somebody thinks it would be hot to have me gang-banged by the entire Chaos team. Not to mention having to suffer more abuse at the hands of Se... Oh." Sephiroth.
"Um hm. And Ultimecia too."
"Damn," Cloud scowled. "Next thing you know, they'll be reviving Aerith."
"Cloud," Leon said softly, examining his boyfriend anxiously, "Square already did revive Aerith. She was with us in KH, remember? Maybe you should let her dad give you a checkup."
"No!" Cloud barked a bit too abruptly. Then he shrugged it off and added more calmly, "It's probably just residual effects from Crisis Core. Don't worry."
"Yeah, okay," Leon agreed. Memories were overrated anyway; Shiva had eaten most of his years ago, and he didn't miss them a bit. At least, he didn't think he did. And people accused him and Cloud of living in the past. Shit, they could barely even remember the past. "As long as you don't forget about me."
"Never," Cloud insisted, reluctantly letting go of his lover to stand up and stretch. "Well, I guess we'd better be getting home," he said, holding out his hand to help his partner up. "Dissidia will be out in a couple of days, and we still need to polish our blades."
"And after that," Leon smirked, waggling a brow suggestively, "we could polish each other's blades."
"Mmmm," Cloud hummed in agreement. Then he wrapped his arms around Leon's neck and pressed his body against his boyfriend's, leaning in to whisper seductively in his ear. "I'll even let you top."
"Really?" Leon said excitedly.
"Mm hm," Cloud hummed again, planting a promise on Leon's lips. "Happy Birthday, Babe."
A shiver of anticipation raced through Leon's body, and a shit-eating grin spread across his face. Maybe birthdays weren't so bad after all. And as long as his boyfriend was feeling so generous ... "And maybe you could wear that ..."
"Don't push it," Cloud snapped, quickly looking away from Leon's pretty-please eyes.
Oh well, Leon sighed. There would be other birthdays. And for a couple of old soldiers like themselves, there would always be other battles. But for now, he smirked to himself as they turned for home, he couldn't wait to kick his boyfriend's butt in Dissidia.