Fear's a funny thing. Doesn't always come when it's supposed to. Or maybe I'm just so used to it now that I don't even notice when it shows up. It's like that with the slaying; that little edge before every fight that says "I could die tonight." Adrenaline, maybe. Whatever it is, it's addictive. A natural high; like marijuana, only legal.
It makes you hungry, afterwards. An unsatiable urge. Not for food, although there's a little of that. Makes sense; you get hungry after any workout. But it isn't really a physical hunger. I mean, it's always become arousal, at least for me. I've wondered, sometimes, if it's just me; just another reason I'm a freak, sick, twisted... no. I won't go there. I can't. Not again. It's not good to rehash it over and over.
I wonder sometimes if it could have been different. If one of us had noticed Allan Finch, beyond to see that he was there... but we didn't. We're both responsible. Sure, only one hand held the stake, but we both deserve guilt. We murdered him.
There's nothing like it; feeling your weapon slide in, and suddenly you realise it's too easy, and this is no vampire, it's a living, breathing human being. Knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're responsible. No matter what wrong turns they've taken, it's a human life. Sacred. Precious. I wonder, sometimes, if you can forgive me for what I did, what I had to do. I can't forgive myself.
So if you can hear me, wherever you are, whatever you're thinking, I'd like to say something. I'm sorry, I really am. I thought I was doing the right thing. I swear, I never meant to hurt you like that, to hurt anyone... I love you. You know that, right? Know I couldn't stand to live without you. So I'm sorry for what I have to do. Forgive me, and I'll see you soon.
* * * * *
In the too-quiet room, a shot rang out. She looked down at the body of the girl she loved, her fellow Slayer. She smiled; a rueful smile, one that held far more sorrow than it had any right to. It held infinite pain, suffering, and anguish. However, it also held redemption, comfort - peace. "I'm doing what I have to," she whispered, though the other girl was long past hearing, her blood pooling around her. "I love you. I always have. I always will. And now we can be together forever." She raised her hand, pointing the gun at herself.
Then Buffy pulled the trigger.
It makes you hungry, afterwards. An unsatiable urge. Not for food, although there's a little of that. Makes sense; you get hungry after any workout. But it isn't really a physical hunger. I mean, it's always become arousal, at least for me. I've wondered, sometimes, if it's just me; just another reason I'm a freak, sick, twisted... no. I won't go there. I can't. Not again. It's not good to rehash it over and over.
I wonder sometimes if it could have been different. If one of us had noticed Allan Finch, beyond to see that he was there... but we didn't. We're both responsible. Sure, only one hand held the stake, but we both deserve guilt. We murdered him.
There's nothing like it; feeling your weapon slide in, and suddenly you realise it's too easy, and this is no vampire, it's a living, breathing human being. Knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that you're responsible. No matter what wrong turns they've taken, it's a human life. Sacred. Precious. I wonder, sometimes, if you can forgive me for what I did, what I had to do. I can't forgive myself.
So if you can hear me, wherever you are, whatever you're thinking, I'd like to say something. I'm sorry, I really am. I thought I was doing the right thing. I swear, I never meant to hurt you like that, to hurt anyone... I love you. You know that, right? Know I couldn't stand to live without you. So I'm sorry for what I have to do. Forgive me, and I'll see you soon.
* * * * *
In the too-quiet room, a shot rang out. She looked down at the body of the girl she loved, her fellow Slayer. She smiled; a rueful smile, one that held far more sorrow than it had any right to. It held infinite pain, suffering, and anguish. However, it also held redemption, comfort - peace. "I'm doing what I have to," she whispered, though the other girl was long past hearing, her blood pooling around her. "I love you. I always have. I always will. And now we can be together forever." She raised her hand, pointing the gun at herself.
Then Buffy pulled the trigger.