MY DECISION
Had I not seen it for myself, had I not bore witness with my on eyes, I would never have believed it. To behold a coven, that was in no way biologically intertwined, as close-knit as an actual familial unit, was fascinating to me. In my four years with the Cullens' I have seen only unconditional love with no hidden vendetta, no underlying bloodlust or misguided perceptions, only genuine devotion to one another.
With much deliberation I had decided to remain in Forks after our confrontation with the Volturi. My Aunt, Huilen had returned to our home shortly thereafter. In truth I feel much guilt for this separation, as she has been the only family I have known in my 150 years on this earth. In many ways she and I grew up together. She a newborn vampire and myself a halfling child, relying on the dark unnatural instincts that pulsed through our bodies to survive. We fought the urges to give into the devastatingly painful hunger that consumes your first years of this existence, knowing that too much destruction would bring attention to us. She, mourning the loss of her sister, and I growing up ever-aware of my evil lineage and conception. We had needed each other.
I know that our journey to Forks brought with it much anxiety for my Aunt. We had learned of the Volturi's existence and of their unforgiving judgment of immortal children through my biological father. Though my siblings and I were not true immortal children, he told us stories of the Volturi's punishment for creating such 'abominations' (a word I use often to refer to myself privately). We knew it was imperative to remain out of the reach of the Volturi to preserve our own existence. Aro's gift for reading minds was my biological father's greatest fear, as he knew that the Volturi would not forgive his human 'experiments'. My Aunt was reluctant to allow Alice to expose us in order to save another with the possibility that we could all loose our lives to their swift 'justice'.
I am and have always been an abomination. Half vampire, half human, and wholly responsible for the death of my mother. I was ready for the Volturi to meet me and deliver whatever judgment they saw fit. I murdered my mother, I destroyed my Aunt's life, and I killed to keep myself fed. Being born a monster had given me a distinct advantage in facing my own destruction, as I didn't much care about my fate. In fact, I awaited it calmly knowing that my mother's death would be avenged and my biological father's only 'living' son would be for not. I fought bitterly to keep my Aunt from accompanying us. I didn't want her execution, too many had already lost their lives for my own, but I knew she would not allow her only flesh and bones to be alone at the end. Her promise to her dying sister to take care of me overshadowed her own need to survive.
My Aunt's human life had been a full one. With a husband and children of her own as well as her sister. Their bond as siblings was an unbreakable one. Even after she learned of my mother's involvement with my father the nightwalker, my Aunt remained by her side. As her baby sister grew weak and increasingly frail with my development my Aunt took care of her. She hunted wild boar when my mother began to crave blood and she drained their lifeless carcasses to help keep her sister fed. When I broke free of my mother's womb my Aunt watched powerlessly as the light in her sister's eyes that once burned so bright, slowly died. She was left only with me, the iniquitous offspring of her sister's foolish tryst. My Aunt did not love me at first. She told me this once. But she knew I was her only link to her sister and so she bathed me and swaddled me as if I were her own. When she tired to breastfeed me, I involuntarily bit her breast in thirst and her burning journey to damnation began. My Aunt crawled away from me in agony to find a place to die, she was certain that the gods were punishing her for allowing me to enter this world. When I was strong enough to crawl, I found her lying under a tree writhing in pain. I did not understand my connection to this woman yet, but I knew I could not leave her alone. We had been together ever since.
My choice to remain with the Cullens' came as quite a shock to my Aunt. She couldn't understand why I would want to remain in Forks. Having watched her own husband and children seemingly forget her, move on, grow old, and eventually die in an outbreak of influenza years and years ago, I was the only family that she had left. Her only link to her bloodline. The Amazon's had graciously offered her a place among them and while I wanted to accompany her home, I wanted to understand this new world I had been exposed to more.
I could have never foreseen in the days leading up to our confrontation on the field what I would learn with the Cullens'. Alice had told us about her family, but nothing prepared me for the actual feelings that accompanied their coven. Their true acceptance of each other was overwhelming, their compassion for human life was harrowing, and their dedication to one another was beautiful. I could barely take my eyes from their interactions with one another and their shape-shifter friends. Was it possible for the soulless to develop a conscience? Was it possible to love so unconditionally those with whom you had no actual blood ties to? Or did those ties grow and strengthen over the years of exposure to one another? I felt an overpowering need to study them, know them, understand them, and possibly someday grow to love them.