Chapter One
A/N: I noticed a distinct lack of YGOTAS on this archive, and thought it would be hilarious, so no need to thank me.
/Yugi, this website is dumb./
"YOUR FACE IS DUMB!"
/You have no right to say that as I am much sexier than you./
"I'm only on here to laugh at feminists."
/I have no idea what that means, but I'm interested./
The spirit of the Pharaoh leaned onto Yugi's lap, his elbow on the other side of his legs, head in his hand. His transparent finger dragged across the mouse pad, his eyes scanning the posts.
Yugi stat there, completely used to this. The Pharaoh liked to lay all over him, and Yugi was starting to suspect that the spirit had feelings for him, but managed to keep the thought away from the Pharaoh's tendency to sniff around his thoughts.
/These women are stupid./ He said, /Why cut off someone's dick because it's "equality"?/
"Because people are idiots."
"YUGI!"
Tea burst through Yugi's door like a monkey on cocaine.
"HOLY TAPDANCING RA!" Yugi shouted, "Ever heard of knocking?"
The Pharaoh looked up, uninterested.
"Oh, look." He said, turning his attention back to the screen, "A skank."
"Hey!" Tea shouted, somehow able to see and hear the spirit, then frowned.
She looked back and forth between Yugi and the Pharaoh, noting how close they were, the fact that Yami casually leaned very close to his crotch, and the fact that Yugi only seemed mildly annoyed.
She smiled slyly.
"I'm sorry." She said, "I must have interrupted something. But I just came to tell you that that trip to England for school for absolutely no reason is tomorrow."
Yugi waved a hand dismissively.
"Payed for it, form in."
/Wait, why wasn't I informed of this even though we share a body and I'd hear it anyways?/ The Pharaoh demanded.
"Because I don't have to tell you everything."
The Pharaoh raised one eyebrow.
/Yugi, you're my partner. And as my partner, you tell me these things./
Yugi groaned and flopped back on the bed.
"Oh. My Ra, you know now, and you'd be coming by default, so I don't see why we're arguing about this."
The spirit shrugged, turning his attention back to Tea.
/But what did you mean 'interrupted something'?"/
"Oh, nothing. I'll be going now."
Once she was gone, the Pharaoh turned to Yugi in confusion.
/What the hell was that?/
Despite the fact that he knew, Yugi shrugged and said,
"Dunno."
/Yugi, I share a body and mind with you. I know you're lying./
"She probably thinks we're dating or something." He said, bringing his hand up to play with the dust particles in the air.
/Well why in the name of the gods would she think that?/
"Probably because you're sprawled across my crossed legs, the way we constantly hold hands, the fact that you're constantly touching my hands, and generally the way we talk to each other."
The Pharaoh frowned.
/Well.../ He straightened his face and sat up, leaning back against the wall, /Let her think what she wants. Its not true./
"Surprisingly, I figured that out for myself."
/Oh, shut up./
…
Kaiba wasn't even sure why he'd come on this stupid trip. He'd been to London countless times for business even though he literally did nothing for that company except step on little people and charity work for orphans, which was something he did because he wanted to, not for publicity like Gozaburo had done.
He shook his head, wondering why he was acting so canon, and turned his attention back to the group he'd been put with.
The Dweeb Patrol.
Fan-Tucking-Fastic.
"... And that's why I never have cherry pie with Yugi anymore!" Wheeler said. Kaiba didn't even want to know what that conversation was about.
"Hey," Moto said, "in my defense, I thought pineapple would be a brilliant addition."
"That was horrifying." Gardner said in her high, strangled voice.
"I like pudding!" Taylor said in his nasally voice.
"Shut up, Tristan!" They shouted together, as if it was routine.
"You gonna say anything, Kaiba?" Said boy's rival asked.
"If I wanted to waste my time, I would have stayed home with Mokuba."
"That's mean!" Taylor shouted.
"Shut up, Taylor."
"Aww..."
"Hey, do those guys in cloaks and masks seem suspicious to you guys?" Gardner asked.
"Shut up, Tea," Yugi said, "we're being typical American tourists."
"I thought we were Japanese."
"This is the English dub." Yugi said, "Japan doesn't exist. America rules all."
"... Yugi, I worry for your mental health sometimes."
"I'm perfectly sane, Tea." Yugi said, "I just know that there's a strange man in my head that tells me that you're a skank, so go fuck yourself, bitch."
"If anything," Wheeler said, completely ignoring Yugi's very troubling comment, "you should be worrying about Tristan's mental health."
"OH MY GOD A PEICE OF GRAVEL!" Taylor shouted.
Oh god what have I done to deserve this? Kaiba mentally growled.
…
As darkness fell, the group realized they were lost.
"Why did they let a bunch of 15 year olds run around London by ourselves anyways?" Kaiba demanded.
"Wait, I thought we were 16." Yugi said.
"Plot convenience." Kaiba said, waving a hand dismissively.
/LINESPLITKKK/
Meanwhile, in the bushes, Lucius Malfoy crouched.
The Dark Lord's words were heard again in his head.
Lucius, you are to get me the Pharaoh's soul. Also, get me a milkshake along the way. With a swirly straw, you fucking failure.
The fact that he was hearing this again, he should probably get checked out, but he saw the Pharaoh.
He was the one with the ridiculous hair, the one that Lucius had seen on that tablet after they'd killed that Ishizu woman.
That would probably have no negative repercussions.
"ANIMA FRAUDATOR!" He shouted, bursting from the bushes.
"NOT THIS SHIT AGA-" The boy shouted, before he dropped to one knee.
"I'm getting out of here, what about you guys?" The girl demanded.
"I'm up for it." Said the one with a Brooklyn accent.
"Bye Kaiba! Take care of him!"
"WAIT YOU'RE LEAVING ME WITH HIM!?"
"Yep!" The Brooklyn accented one shouted, "Have fun with that!"
"Douchebags!" The Pharaoh whispered.
"What?" Lucius whispered, "How are you still here?"
The Pharaoh stood.
"You didn't take my soul, you took my partner's!"
"Not even going to question this!" The tall one deemed "Kaiba" shouted, grabbing the Pharaoh's arm, "RUN!"
They took off, and it took Lucius a few seconds before he realized:
They were getting away.
…
"Okay," Kaiba snarled, "explain yourself, whoever the fuck you are!"
"We've explained this to you several times, Kaiba. I'm the Pha-"
"No." He said, "I was told that Yugi was a Pharaoh. I was never told that you're a totally different person!"
"Oh, quit your bitching! We need to get away from him!"
"No, really?" Kaiba demanded, intending all sarcasm, "I thought we'd let him kill you!"
"Well, at least you're productive." The Pharaoh grumbled.
"GET BACK HERE!"
Kaiba rolled onto the road, dragging the Pharaoh with him. Several cabs and cars honked at him, to which he shouted, "Oh, like your meeting's more important than my life!", then kept going.
He found a car dealership, and climbed right in a Lamborghini.
"Kaiba, sometimes I question your sanity." Yami said, climbing in the other side.
"Hey, you two hooligans!" Shouted a voice, "What are you doing?"
"Well," Kaiba said, "obviously we're buying this."
"But ho-"
Kaiba pulled out his cheque book, quickly writing it out.
"This should cover it." He said, handing it to him.
"Buy yourself something pretty." The Pharaoh said, smirking and pointing at him flirtatiously.
They drove off rather dangerously.
"Well, there goes my-"
The cheque read:
£500, 000
"Huh. Maybe not."
…
"Wow." The Pharaoh said, "I'm surprised he didn't catch up with us."
"It's called plot convenience." Kaiba said.
"Now we've got ourselves a cool car. What are we going to do with it?"
"Drive it the hell out of here."
"Kaiba, you do realize you're only 15, right?"
"Pharaoh, you do realize I have a Master's Degree in Business and Technology, run a multimillion dollar gaming company, am the richest, coolest, nerdiest kid on the planet, and am Seto Kaiba, right?"
There was momentary silence.
"Fuck it, you win."
There was a shout, and the tire exploded. They swerved.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" Kaiba shrieked.
"WELL, OBVIOUSLY THEY SHOT THE TIRE!" Yami shrieked back.
"THAT DIDN'T SOUND LIKE A GUNSHOT, ASSWIPE!"
"WELL, SOMEONE'S IMPROVED THEIR INSULT GAME!"
"GO FUCK YOURSELF!"
He pulled the wheel to the right so hard, they turned in a complete circle. He changed gears impossibly fast, like every action movie ever, and rode backwards.
"Reach into my bag!" Kaiba shouted.
"Listen, Kaiba. We're friends and all, but-"
"NOT LIKE THAT YOU GAY ASS MOTHERFUCKER! JUST GET WHAT'S IN THERE!"
"Okay, okay... Kaiba... How the hell did you get this past security?" The Pharaoh demanded, holding up a handgun.
"Doesn't matter." He said, snatching it from him, "You drive."
He pulled the door open.
"WHAT?" Yami demanded, pulling himself into the driver's seat, "I'M A 3000 YEAR OLD PHARAOH, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!"
"GAS ON THE LEFT, BREAK ON THE RIGHT! JUST KEEP US GOING!"
"Uuuuuuuum..."
He pressed the left down all the way, and they zoomed through a red light.
"YOU COULD HAVE KILLED US!" Kaiba shouted.
"But I didn't!" Yami shouted back to him, figuring this out with his knowledge of Fast and the Furious.
He pulled the steering wheel into a hard left, and swerved until they faced the right way. He pulled the car into drive and kept going.
He could hear Kaiba shooting, but then climbed back down.
"I'm out of bullets." He said.
"Really?" Yami asked, "In a car chase? Seems incredibly unrealistic."
"YOUR FACE IS UNREALISTIC!"
"Yeah, okay. We need to get out. I have an idea."
"I drive, you do."
"No, I need to be standing still. We didn't have cars in Ancient Egypt you know."
"Well, no fucking shit."
Kaiba pulled into a parking spot, and the masked man got out politely.
"Giving yourself up, Pharaoh?" He demanded.
"Not quite."
A duel disk appeared on his wrist, and he slammed The Dark Magician down.
"Now!" He called dramatically, with equal drama, throwing his hand forward, "With lame Shadow Magic Fanfic Bullshittery, I can make my monster real with the power of the Shadows!"
Kaiba watched as dark, purpley-black tendrils swirled up the monster, sinking into it's skin until it became...
Well, real.
"Now! Dark Magician!" The Pharaoh called.
"Actually, it's Mahad." The Dark Magician replied.
"Yeah, don't care. Attack the man with worse fashion taste than Kaiba, and DESTROY HIM!"
"As you wish, Your Highness." The monster said, sounding exasperated with him already.
He pulled back his staff and thrust it forward, the attack flying off.
The attacker shrieked as he collapsed, hopefully dead.
The Pharaoh turned to Kaiba.
His face glistened with sweat, and he was breathing heavily.
He grinned.
"Brilliant." He gasped, before he fell over, unconscious.
…
"Why am I constantly carrying unconscious men?" Kaiba grumbled to himself.
"Maybe it's a sign?" The Dark Magician suggested.
"WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?" Kaiba shouted.
"Well, you're still hotheaded as ever."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Kaiba snarled.
"Nevermind." The monster said, "I cannot leave until the one who summons me sends me back."
"Back to where?" Kaiba scoffed.
"Seto, did you even watch Season 5?"
"No. Why?"
"It explains it all. But in short, I cannot return to the stone in which I am imprisoned until I am sent back. So you're stuck with me until he wakes up."
Kaiba grumbled to himself.
"Think of it this way: at least he's not talking."
"True." Kaiba looked at The Dark Magician, "Wait, if you're from his past, then are you even allowed to be here without getting, like, smited or something?"
"I am eternally in service to the Pharaoh. I took a oath, and now as a Monster, I help him whenever he is in need. Which is quite awful considering that-"
"He's a douche?" Kaiba suggested.
"Yes." The monster said, nodding.
Kaiba stopped, and looked up at the sign.
The Leaky Cauldron.
"Well this doesn't seem shady at all." Kaiba muttered.
"There's a strong magical presence in there." The monster said, "And it is kind. Perhaps they can help us."
"Maybe..." Kaiba muttered.
…
Inside the pub was dark and shabby, dusty, but it had kind of a homy feeling to it.
Several ladies turned to look at them.
Yami groaned on his shoulder.
"Yugi..." He muttered.
"We'll get 'im back." Kaiba said, "Don't worry."
He wondered why Yami even cared. He never seemed to care about anyone else, why was Yugi an acceptation?
The more Kaiba thought about all the times he'd seen the young Pharaoh speak to his friends, he realized some very sociopath-like behaviour.
Such as the fact that he cared very little about them, but constantly complimented himself. The way he was arrogant, yet charming, and the way he drew everyone in with his words. The fact that he'd had no remorse over almost killing that British kid was another reason.
But... If he was a sociopath, then he wouldn't care about getting Yugi back.
And it seemed he did...
Kaiba's thoughts were cut off when an old, balding man came towards them.
"Is he okay?" He asked.
"He should be okay, I think." Kaiba said, "This guy in a mask was trying to kill us. Took ou- his friend."
The man looked alarmed.
"What did the mask look like?"
"It was a skull." The Dark Magician said, "He was some sort of magician, was he not?"
The balding man stared at the monster for a second before he said,
"Magician is a very old term, but yes, he was a wizard. A Death Eater. A servant of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named..."
There was silence in the room.
"I take it this guy's dangerous?" Kaiba asked.
"The most dangerous Dark Wizard of all time."
"Just our luck." Kaiba grumbled.
"I can give you a room tonight, if you wish. Keep you safe."
Kaiba opened his mouth to speak, but The Dark Magician said,
"That would be wonderful, and quite kind. So yes, we do wish so."
"Alright." The man said, "I'm Tom, by the way."
"Kaiba. Seto Kaiba."
…
Wow this is the longest chapter I've written in a while.
Tell me what you think (I know they were very canon at times but pls no h8 m8)
K thanks love y'all BAI