Hold Me Close
(I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or any of the characters mentioned. Reviews are appreciated)
Buffy Summers and Faith Lehane had been together for four years. They had met in the police force. Faith had been a transfer and Buffy had been her new partner.
They had argued over anything and everything. Faith was too laid back for Buffy's taste and Buffy was far too self-righteous according to the spunky brown-haired girl. All of the tension between the two of them had culminated in a heart-stopping, breath-taking, purely amazing kiss.
They still argued but somewhere along the line they had fallen in love.
The war had been going on for three years now and it got worse everyday. Buffy would've preferred to avoid it altogether but it was everywhere. On the TV at home (Faith insisted on keeping the news on unless they were watching something else), the officers at work would always talk about it; she would even overhear too-young-to-even-know-the-full-situation children talk about which side was "right" and which side was "wrong".
Buffy believed neither side was right. She believed in protecting the innocents, the ones who are affected by the government's decision. And innocent people were dying in this war. A part of her wanted to enlist but she knew once you joined the military, you were no longer a free citizen. You were a dog on a leash, a dog that must follow their orders no matter how wrong they were.
War changes people. War destroys homes and lives and families. And I will never involve myself in that.
Buffy unlocked the door to the couples two bedroom apartment. She took off her boots at the door like she always did. She hung up her jacket on the hanger in the hallway like she always did. She put her keys in the fruit bowl on the kitchen counter like she always did. It was the same simple and small routine she had every night she got back from work. Next, she would go to her bedroom and see Faith, covered in a too-thin blanket and on her laptop. Buffy would change into pajamas and join her. It always felt so familiar, so right. But something was wrong.
"Faith? Is everything okay?" The blonde was worried by the gap between her question and her lover's response. She could hear the soft hum of Faith's music even from this far away. Her eyes widened and her heart felt like it constricted in her chest.
"Faith!" She called into the dimmed light of the room this time, her voice noticeably more urgent.
"Buffy" The girl spun on her heel and already had her hand and body in a defensive pose. "What's wrong?"
She looked around her home for a few minutes before realizing what it was that made everything feel so off. "The TV isn't on. The news isn't on."
"You don't like it."
"And you've never cared before. You always wanted it on so tell me why it's off now Faith" her voice got more and more strained and she could feel tears begin to form at the corners of her eyes. A part of her knew what the answer would be but the stubborn part of her needed to hear it be confirmed.
"I enlisted."
And the whole world seemed to stop. It was all wrong and tilted and off-balance. She should've expected this. The was Faith was always talking about the war, defending it, saying what she would do if she were in it. Buffy began to shake her head. It couldn't be true. Faith couldn't be leaving her. Not like this.
"I leave in three days. But you see, um, training's in Oklahoma. Pretty far away, am I right?"
"What're you saying this for?" Again, Buffy already knew.
"I got to go to training in five days. I have a ticket to Oklahoma to leave in tow days."
"Why the hell would you tell me this on such a short notice?"
" I only did it a week ago."
"And why wouldn't you tell me?" Both Faith and Buffy could hear the tears in the shorter girl's voice, could see them begin to well up in her eyes.
"I didn't know how."
Neither spoke for what seemed like forever. Neither knew what to say. What to do.
"Are you gonna leave me?" Faith broke the silence, her voice shaking with uncertainty and fear.
"I don't support this war. I hate it actually. You know that. But dammit Faith, I love…. I love you" she had to stop for a minute, to collect her thoughts and her reasonability. It was taking so much effort not to explode at the other woman, in anger, in grief. "No matter how much time goes by, I'll stay with you. Always."
"If you want… You could come with me" Buffy's eyes widened and grew angry. Faith was confused before she realized what she had said and how it could've been take. "No, I mean to Oklahoma. I wouldn't be able to..." She trailed off again, this time not picking up her train of thought.
"You know as well as I do that it would be pointless." Buffy wiped away the tears that were streaming down her face, dripping off of her cheeks and chin and onto her crossed arms and the ground.
Once again, the silence was dragging on and with every noiseless second that passed by Buffy's and Faith's hearts were battered and bruised by the gap in the conversation.
"Don't go" Both looked shocked by the blonde woman's words, the same woman who refused to meet Faith's eyes. "Don't leave me" she went on. " I won't end things if you do, I never could but Faith please," she finally looked up at the eyes of the woman she so dearly and desperately loved, " don't go. Can't you find it in you at all to just stay? Forget about loyalty to your country or whatever you're going over to fight for. Please stay. For me."
Her words set Faith off. She too felt tears run down from her eyes. "You know I can't. I need to do this. I want to do this."
"Hold me. Ju-just hold me." The two fell into the embrace, Faith wrapping her arms around her girl's shoulder and rested her head in the crook between her shoulder and her neck. They kissed, a soft and short connection of their lips. It was nothing too passionate, no searching tongues and wandering hands, no heated words and soul awakening moments. It wasn't anything for the movies but it was everything it needed to be. It was comfort and safety and home. It was nothing special and it was the most heartbreaking and important kiss of both of their lives. For Buffy it was a reminder that Faith was still there and would be forever. For Faith it was a goodbye that allowed her to place her heart in Buffy's hands for her too keep while she was away learning how to fight and kill people. She could leave her weaknesses and vulnerabilities with somebody she knew would always keep it safe.
Neither wanted to say goodbye but both had to. And it was, in a strange way, killing them. All they could do now was hold each other close.
7 months later
The news of Faith's death came on a Saturday. Her funeral was the Saturday after. It was bright outside, a perfect and beautiful spring day. She had sent the army men away after they had offered to see her home. She couldn't cry. Not in front of all those people, who acted like they knew her, like they knew the two of them. The apartment was thick with an unsettling and depressing air. It was so empty and it felt so alien.
She took off her boots at the door like she always did. She hung up her jacket on the hanger in the hallway like she always did. She put her keys in the fruit bowl on the kitchen counter like she always did. She walked around aimlessly, looking for something, anything, to take her mind of the emptiness of both the apartment and of her heart. She felt so broken, so empty. And finally, the tears she had been holding back all day were free to flow. The scream of anguish, the cry of despair she hadn't realized she was holding back was so pained and raw. It hurt. Everything hurt.
Buffy kicked the wall in front of her and pounded her fists against the concrete. She cried and punched the wall and sobbed and suddenly there was no world or other people. There was only her and Faith. She fell to her knees and her weeping became silent. There was no more energy left in her to be loud. To fight back against the cruel world that had ripped her heart, her life, in half. She was lost. So lost and so very cold without her friend, her partner, her lover, her love, by her side. She felt so lost without Faith to hold her close and keep her safe.