Summary: Sanzo can't stand to see Goku die. Hakkai tries to keep him from leaving. Inspired by the song "Goodbye Love" from Rent.
"I thought I'd already read this chapter." Hakkai said with deliberate nonchalance. He leaned against the doorframe of the hut. The inn-keeper and his wife had offered the guest house as a place to stay while Goku recovered as gratitude for them saving the village. They had only intended to be there a few days, maybe a week at most. They'd been there for nearly a month now.
Sanzo ignored the man and folded his space set of robes. He placed them deliberately into his duffle.
"Where are you going?" Hakkai asked once more. Sanzo forced himself to turn around and face the man. The moonlight drained all hint of color from his pale face, making his other features all the more striking in comparison. The wild green of his eyes; the inky black of his hair. He looked more youkai than Sanzo had ever seen him.
"I need to continue on with the mission. There's something I need to figure out."
Hakkai did one of his fake laughs, the kind that always left a metallic taste in Sanzo's mouth. "Are you insane? What could possibly be so important?"
There's something I need to figure out.
He remembered speaking those same words to Goku at the beginning of their journey. Then he'd been referring to the minus wave. Now he needed to figure out why. Why it was hard to breath. Why he couldn't stop shaking. Why the thought of a lifetime of silence from the monkey's eternal chatter made him feel like something deep inside him was shattering.
But even more than that, right now he just needed to get away.
He redoubled his efforts, shoving things into his bag without knowing or caring what they were. He looked up when he felt Hakkai's hands on his shoulders.
"Hey," Sanzo said warningly. "Don't-"
The feather-light touch shifted as Hakkai drove all of his weight downward, into Sanzo's shoulders. The combination of strength and surprise brought Sanzo to his knees. He felt a pebble dig into his shin on the rough dirt floor. He struggled against the hold, but Hakkai kept him pinned to the earth.
"You can't leave, Sanzo," Hakkai growled. "I won't let you let him down again."
Sanzo finally broke free and wrenched Hakkai's hands away. "Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?" he challenged.
Hakkai stared back defiantly. "Your friend."
"Ch'. I don't have friends." The words came automatically.
Hakkai threw his arms up in the air. "Of course, God forbid you admit you have friends or that you care about anyone. God forbid you admit you care about Goku when he might be- "
Something flared in his vision, and he was overcome with the need to hurt.
"That's hilarious coming from you," he interrupted. "Preaching not to be numb, with that fake fucking smile on your face day after day. Feeling so guilty about being alive that you have to detach, just to get through it all. "
Hakkai smiled humorlessly. "Well, someone needs to survive to pick up the pieces."
Survive.
Goku couldn't remember life before the cave, before Sanzo. But if he was being honest with himself, lately he couldn't really remember life that well before Goku either. His life with Koumyou was hazy contentment; his time searching for his master's killer a blur of loss and fear. After that he went up the mountain to finally put an end to all that noise in his head.
And then there was Goku.
From then on impossible to put a neat little label on his life because it was now so many things, all at once. Like a web. There was even more noise. And trouble. And all the headaches the little shit gave him. But there was also laughter and discovery and joy. And…
"We've waited here for far too long. If he doesn't…" The words got stuck in his throat.
Hakkai's gaze softened. "He's loves you, more than life itself. Is it really that you need to move on, or are you just afraid that he's weak?"
He wanted to run. To move far and fast, through the west, past India, past even the Castle Houtou; as far as he needed to keep those words from sinking in.
"He'll be fine," Sanzo dismissed. "He's Goku."
"He's thin, Sanzo. You won't even see him but he's so terribly thin." Hakkai's voice broke. "I'm afraid he might be running out of time. And you're running out the door."
He couldn't take any more of this. "I have to go." Sanzo picked up his duffle and turned to leave, but the sight in front of him made him stop dead in his tracks.
Goku was standing in the door.