If the Avengers were a Sitcom…. Chapter 1
Hello everyone! This is my attempt at writing an ongoing series of everyday situations that the Avengers might finds themselves in. These are the moments where there isn't a huge battle where earth hangs in the balance. There might be some minor battles or fights here and there, but mostly this is them just hanging out at home, just living life, and exploring the potentially humorous possibilities that could arise from a group of strange, super hero misfits.
If you have requests or ideas, please feel free to message them to me or leave them in a review and I will see if I can put them in. I would love to hear some ideas - no promises that all requests will be used. I will add an author's note to give you credit for the idea if I use it. Right now I do have a list of about 20 or 30 ideas so it might take a little while to get to requests. Also, I don't do slash. Stay tuned for some upcoming stories involving double dates, pet adoptions, paint ball and general funny situations.
Side note: Most of my stories have been Steve centered, but this story line will involve all of the characters and will not always be Steve centered…although this first chapter is. But I promise there will be stories that focus more on the other great characters in the Avengers!
Shoot, why is that button blinking? Steve thinks to himself as he cautiously approaches the strange machine. Oh man, this thing is going to blow.
"Alight, Buddy," Steve glares. "It's just you and me. We can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way. It's entirely up to you, Pal."
Steve takes a step back and grabs his shield, holding it up defensively as he slowly reaches our his hand to press the flashing button on the contraption in front of him. The machine starts to sputter and steam and Steve ducks behind his shield as hot, brown liquid erupts from the device.
"Not again," he groans as he lowers his shield and looks around the kitchen. "Stupid, modern piece of crap," he grumbles as he opens up the Keurig coffee maker and pulls the wasted cup out of the pocket.
Once the Battle of New York ended, all of the Avengers had gone their separate ways, but one by one each of them eventually returned to New York. More specifically, they returned to Stark Tower. None of them really had a home to come back to. Clint and Natasha had their quarters on the SHIELD Helicarrier, but those 'homes' really added up to a bed and a bathroom. SHIELD was not exactly known for their five-star accommodations. Like Clint and Natasha, Steve had been assigned a temporary apartment to live in, but it wasn't much better than the quarters on the Helicarrier. It was basically a lonely box with a bed, bathroom, and kitchen. Thor wasn't even from this world and had no where to live and no real friends or family save for Jane, Darcy, and Erik, but they were all out in the field doing research. Bruce hadn't lived in the continental US for years with his international travel and humanitarian work. All of the Avengers were basically nomads, never putting down roots or settling down, always wandering on to the next mission, the next realm, the next hiding place.
With Avengers showing up on his doorstep, Tony opened up his home to them and told them to stay as long as they wanted. In fact, he had insisted that they all come and live at the Tower. Even with all the damage done to the city, the Tower had escaped relatively unscathed, save for the top few floors. They protested at first, but Tony could be very persuasive.
Today is the first day Steve has stayed overnight in the tower. As usual, he's up early. Very early. The sun hasn't even risen yet, but Steve had already returned from his morning run and he was trying to figure out all of the very modern appliances in Tony's kitchen to make coffee and breakfast.
Tony's kitchen is beautiful and everything is top of the line. The dark wood cabinets are perfectly matched with the expensive granite counter tops and the tiles on the backsplash are a mix of earthy greens, tans, and oranges. The kitchen is open to the living area with a long breakfast bar separating the two rooms. The bar is attached to a large kitchen counter with a stove top and a big kitchen island behind that. The back wall holds a wall of cabinets with a long counter top and a big sink and fridge. It's a chef's dream kitchen, but Steve is struggling with it.
"What the heck is wrong with this thing? There's only one button. This shouldn't be this hard," Steve frowns as he wipes up another failed attempt to work the Keurig. Normally, Captain America doesn't give up, but he doesn't want to waste any more coffee or make a bigger mess, so he moves on and settles for a glass of orange juice. He searches the cabinets for a glass and checks the fridge for juice. To his dismay, he finds another machine in the fridge. It's a silver box that takes up the entire top shelf of the fridge. Another one of Tony's ridiculous gadgets. It has a spout and some pictures of different drinks on it.
"Geez, can Stark not even pour a glass of juice without a machine?" Steve shakes his head. He finds one option that looks like it might be juice and holds his cup under the spout. The button lights up and orange juice comes flowing out of the spout. Steve huffs with a smirk, proud of finally succeeding in working something in the kitchen. His smile soon fades when his cup is full, but the machine isn't stopping. Steve quickly hits the button again to get it to stop, but it's still dispensing juice as it flows over the rim of the glass and onto the floor.
"Crap," Steve mutters as he slips in the orange juice puddle before he runs over to the cupboards to search for more containers. He grabs an arm full of glasses and runs back to the orange juice waterfall and fills cup after cup.
"Seriously? You've still got more to give?" Steve shouts in disbelief and frantically rushes over to the cabinets again and grabs whatever he can find to catch the juice. He throws a couple cereal bowls under the spout, followed by some tupperware, a mixing bowl, and a few wine glasses. In a move of final desperation, he grabs his shield that is still covered in coffee from the last tech disaster, and starts to collect juice in it. His shield is half full when the machine finally stops. "Finally," Steve sighs and sinks to the floor against the wall.
"So much for not making a bigger mess," Steve says to himself as he looks around. The center island is covered in various containers and his shield, all filled with orange juice.
After he cleans up the sticky mess on the floor he moves onto trying to make eggs. Stoves couldn't have changed that much since his time, right? Steve cautiously approaches the stove top on the front counter. He finds a pan and places it on top of one of the circles on the shiny, black surface. He turns the knob on the stove and waits for a flame to light. He removes the pan and frowns when he only sees the black surface and no flame. He checks the knob again before cautiously touching the little circle the pan was sitting on top of.
"Feels warm," Steve puts the pan back on the stove. "Not warm enough to cook an egg, though." He flips the knob all the way up and walks over to the fridge to grab eggs. To his relief, the eggs are in a carton. At least some thing hasn't changed since he's been gone. He grabs the eggs and cracks them into the pan before adding some chopped up peppers and some bacon.
While his eggs cook, he decides to give the microwave a shot. Steve just really wants something warm to drink with his breakfast and he grabs a mug and some tea. He presses a few buttons until he happens to press the one to open the door. The little door springs open and Steve sets his cup into the machine. He closes it and starts hitting buttons to see if he can get it to start.
Thor walks in, still half asleep, but freezes in his tracks when he sees the mess in the kitchen.
"Was there a battle? Are you injured, Captain?" Thor rushes into the kitchen.
"No, I'm fine, Thor. Just a little breakfast trouble. Do you have any idea how to work this thing?" Steve asks as he starts to hit the blasted machine.
"Nay. I am afraid not. The small wave machine is still one of the many pieces of technology that still rebels against me." Thor frowns as he walks over to the cupboard.
"I think it's called a 'microwave," Steve smirks and continues to push buttons with no luck.
"Hmm," Thor hums. "Between the two of us I think we shall be able to conquer the kitchen and make ourselves a hearty breakfast." Thor starts shuffling through the cupboard. "What are these?" Thor holds up a blue box.
"Um, the box says 'Pop Tarts," Steve frowns at the container. "They look….strange."
"Hm, Popped Tarts," Thor pulls out one of the silver pouches, intrigued, while Steve reads the side of the box.
"It says you're supposed to toast it," Steve points to the toaster on the counter.
"How do I toast the Popped Tart?" Thor asks with a confused look on his face.
Lucky for you, toasters were around back in my day," Steve shows Thor how to put the breakfast treat into the toaster. "Now you just have to wait."
Steve returns to his microwave while Thor watches the toaster closely. "Got it!" Steve smiles when the microwave finally starts. As he stands, he realizes the room is filling with smoke. "Shoot! The eggs!" Steve rushes over to the stove and grabs the eggs off of the stove and throws them into the sink to run water over them. The smoke alarm starts to blare when the microwave starts to smoke and spark. "Seriously?" Steve shouts and runs over to the sparking appliance. He's about to open the door when the machine pops and starts on fire.
"That's not good," Steve raises a brow a the burning microwave.
Thor is watching the chaos when his pop tarts shoot out of the toaster.
"Odin's Beard!" He shouts, startled by the sudden noise and movement, he grabs Mjolnir from his side and shoots lightning at the toaster. The attack causes a small burst of electricity that sends Thor stumbling back and Steve grabs his shield off the counter to block a bolt that flies toward him, spilling the orange juice it was holding onto him and the floor. The two Avengers stand in silence in the mess they've made while the smoke alarm continues to sound.
"At least it can't get any worse," Steve sighs.
"Verily," Thor replies just before the sprinkler system turns on in the kitchen.
"Now that's just unfortunate," Steve looks at Thor as the two of them get soaked by the sprinklers.
"What's happening?" Bruce asks as he stumbles into the living area.
"What the hell are you two doing?" Tony shouts as he and the rest of the Avengers run into the kitchen. "Are you trying to burn down the tower?"
"What's on fire?" Clint shouts, still half in a sleepy daze, as he runs in with a fire extinguisher, accidentally firing it into the air.
"Nothing," Natasha grabs the extinguisher out of the Archer's hands. "Cap and Thor were just cooking."
"Oh," Clint deadpans.
"The toaster is most startling," Thor says sadly as his Pop Tart turns to mush in the water raining down from the sprinklers.
"Sorry Tony," Steve frowns. His face is covered in soot and drenched from the sprinklers. "We were trying to make breakfast. We'll clean it up."
"Why didn't you ask JARVIS to help you?" Tony asks as he rubs a hand across his eyes, still half asleep after rushing out of bed at the sound of the alarm.
"Who's JARVIS?" Steve looks at Tony sideways.
"JARVIS!" Tony shouts and looks at the ceiling. Steve and Thor search the ceiling to see who Tony is talking to. "Why didn't you say anything when these two fossils were trying to figure out the appliances?"
"I'm sorry Sir," the AI answers and both Thor and Steve jump, startled by the voice coming out of nowhere. "But you instructed me not to engage Thor or Captain Rogers until you had a chance to introduce us. I believe you said that I might, quote "freak the crap out of them."
"Where is this JARVIS?" Thor looks around the room suspiciously.
"He's a computer program. His name is JARVIS," Tony tries to explain.
"But where is he?" Thor asks again - still confused.
"He's everywhere in the Tower, Thor."
"Astounding," Thor whispers in wonder. "Greetings, Omnipotent Ceiling Man. I am Thor." The demi-god shouts to the ceiling and Tony face palms himself.
"What happened with this?" Tony points to the microwave.
"It just…kind of….blew up," Steve answers, confused on what he could have possibly done to make the device react so violently. Tony walks over and studies the machine and pulls out a spoon from the charred pile of microwave.
"You can't put metal in a microwave, Steve." Tony sighs.
"What? This little spoon is why that thing blew up?" Steve grabs the spoon and holds it up in disbelief.
"The microwave uses a magnetron that is hooked up to a high voltage source. The magnetron directs microwaves into the machine to heat food, but when microwaves hit metal, free electrons on the surface of the metal end up moving from side to side very quickly causing arching of electricity and….." Tony pauses when he looks up and sees Thor and Steve staring at him like he's speaking Japanese. "Metal makes microwave go boom," Tony frowns. "No metal in microwave."
"We're not monkeys, Stark," Steve raises a brow.
"Today you are monkeys. No more cooking, Steve!" Tony points at the man. Steve frowns and turns to help Thor clean up the disaster in the kitchen.
The next morning, Steve is up early again. After his morning run he returns to the kitchen and looks at the appliances. "No more cooking, Steve," echoes through his mind as he raids the cabinets.
"JARVIS?" Steve asks, feeling a little silly talking to air as he looks up at the ceiling.
"Yes, Captain Rogers?"
"How would you like to help me show Tony up?"
"It would be my pleasure, Captain," The AI answers.
"Alright, first things first: The Coffee Maker. It kept exploding yesterday. What am I doing wrong?"
"I believe you may be over filling the machine, Captain. Add approximately 1 and a half cups of water into the machine and press the brew button." Steve does as the AI instructs and before he knows it, he has a perfectly brewed cup of coffee in his hand.
"Perfect. Alright, next is the stove. Where is the flame and how did it burn my food so fast yesterday?"
"The stove is an induction stove top. It uses heats up much more quickly than a gas or electric stove. Turn the knob 1/4 of the way to cook eggs at an acceptable rate." Steve cracks a carton of eggs and pours them into the pan with some salt and pepper and some onions. He adds another pan to the stove top and makes some pancakes when Thor wanders into the kitchen.
"Greetings, Captian," Thor yawns. "What are you doing?" He freezes again when he sees Steve in the kitchen. "Stark said no cooking."
"I know he said no cooking, but we can do this, Thor," Steve pours another set of pancakes into the pan. "Do you want this kitchen to beat you? For Stark to be right?"
"Nay," Thor frowns. "No kitchen shall defeat the Son of Odin!" Thor walks into the kitchen and grabs the toaster out of the cupboard and snatches the box of blueberry pop tarts off of the shelf.
"That's the spirit!" Steve smiles and walks over to the fridge. "Alright, JARVIS, tell me what I did wrong with the juice."
"Set the switch on the side to 12oz and press the button," JARVIS instructs. Steve finds the switch and changes it from 5 liters to 12oz and presses the button, filling a few glasses perfectly.
"Why in the world does Tony need this thing?" Steve asks JARVIS. "Why doesn't he just keep his juice in a pitcher like normal people?"
"Mr. Stark is not, for better or worse, normal. He says he finds pouring from a pitcher exhausting and purchased the drink dispenser instead."
"Hm, sounds like Tony," Steve shrugs. "Alright, last one: Microwave," Steve frowns at the new microwave Tony installed yesterday evening. He places a bottle of syrup in the machine.
"Captain, pop the top off of the bottle to prevent pressure from building inside the container," Jarvis warns.
"Thanks JARVIS," Steve smiles and opens the top of the bottle before following JARVIS' instructions on how to set the timer and start the microwave.
"Behold!" Thor shouts in triumph when his pop tarts pop out of the toaster. "Popped Tarts!"
The Avengers eventually all emerge from their rooms when the aroma of eggs and pancakes pulls them from their beds. One by one they make their way to the kitchen where Steve and Thor are waiting for them.
"Oooh, Pancakes!" Clint smiles and pulls up a chair at the breakfast bar.
"Hungry for some breakfast?" Steve smirks at Tony when he walks in.
"I thought I told you to stay out of the kitchen." Tony mumbles.
"You did." Steve is still smirking.
"What did you break?" Tony sighs.
"We didn't break a single thing," Steve answers proudly. Tony looks at the food suspiciously.
You didn't make this," Tony stares at the perfect pancakes and the fluffy eggs.
"I didn't," Steve answers. "We did." Thor walks up with his platter full of Pop Tarts he heated in the toaster.
"You ordered this in," Tony leans forward with his elbows resting on the breakfast bar.
"I don't know how to use your phone," Steve matches his movement by leaning on the kitchen counter in front of Tony.
"You used the internet."
"What the heck is the internet?"
"How did you do this?" Tony looks at Steve suspiciously.
"I'm not going to lie. We had some help."
"I knew it," Tony leans back. "Pepper helped you, didn't she?"
"Pepper is gone on business. We used JARVIS," Steve smiles.
"JARVIS?" Tony deadpans.
"Yes, the Ceiling Man was most helpful," Thor smiles and shoves a Pop Tart in his mouth.
"Give them a little credit, Tony," Bruce grins and piles a few pancakes onto his plate.
"Alright," Tony holds his hands up. "I'll admit that you guys impressed me. You figured out advanced kitchen technology by using JARVIS and, for you two old timers, that's not to shabby."
"Is that a complement from the great Tony Stark?" Natasha smirks from her chair as she takes a bite of pancake.
"A small one, but they earned it," Tony shovels some eggs onto a plate and leans on the counter. "These eggs are great. You can make breakfast everyday, Cap."