Disclaimer: I've only got my half-mangled, semi-broken laptop—Fafner belongs to someone else.

Author's Notes: First in a set of "drabbles" (well, long drabbles). Warning for the obvious slash (and the not so obvious slash), spoilers for the series (or, in the case of this story, just the OVA "Right of Left"), and a bit of creative license on my part. Enjoy, and please tell me what you think.

RECOLLECTIONS, REGRETS, AND RADIOS

Dichotomy

Initially, it's very hard being two different people. Soushi gets out of his piloting suit and tries not to wince and instead digs fingernails into bloody palms because everyone is watching and if he doesn't survive this someone else will have to pilot Fafner instead of you. Soushi is on the student council and wants to quit but sees Ryo sit and smile and know and does not. Instead he cuts his nails even shorter so that his fingertips bleed and tries not to get blood on his clothes.

Even in grade school there was school-Soushi and Alvis-Soushi. He mixed them up three times before he found the easiest way to stop the confusion, and all three times it was somehow Kazuki's fault.

And all three times he cried and ran home and there was no one there (father was always away, always at Alvis) and across the street Ryo would turn on his light and somehow, somehow it made Soushi feel better, even if he never went over and never said anything (because he didn't know his neighbor very well, then) and just watched the light stay on in Ryo's room until morning came and he'd meet the other boy outside, black hair and all smiles and good morning Soushi it doesn't look like you slept well and thank you for your concern, Ryo-san, but I feel fine.

Just Ryo, please, Soushi.

Then he meets Ryo at Alvis, in the Student Council room when he enters high school and is elected for the job, and school-Soushi disappears instantly—Ryo had recently been initiated into Alvis and looked at Soushi with Alvis-eyes, brightly sparkling eyes and dark curly hair and hello, Soushi, let's work well together from now on.

Yes, Ryo-san.

Ryo, Soushi.

It takes him a while to learn (at first he just watches, waits for the questions and the sneaky looks around to make sure that no one else is looking, that no one accidently finds out and has to spend the rest of their childhood learning about death and assimilation), but Ryo is always Ryo, and sometimes if he closes his eyes and listens to the other's voice he does not know where he is, because Ryo is always there and the same whether at Alvis or at school or across the street inviting the other boy over for dinner, and Soushi cannot bring himself to pretend to be anything but Soushi, just Soushi, but plain Soushi has been gone for a very long time Soushi when you're in school you can't tell anyone about Alvis, you have to be the same his father had said, you are the first to know because of what happened with your eye. Soushi you cannot tell anyone, you have to stay the same as before.

You will come to Alvis and you will watch and learn and you will not tell anyone.

Ryo invited him over for dinner and Soushi forgets to say no and is already inside the other's house by the time he thinks about it, but it is too late now, Ryo is putting on an apron and opening up the refrigerator I hope you don't mind if I cook, I'm not half bad at it.

Ryo-san can cook?

Ryo. And yes, I can, ever since my mother died I've had to take care of myself.

It gets a bit easier, after a while. Soushi learns not to talk and stands in the Student Council room and watches Ryo's hands bury into Puku's fur, watches Ryo lean out the window please be careful, Ryo-san and black curls flutter in passing winds. Soushi waits until Ryo is ready to go home and follows him and only speaks if Ryo decides that he has something to say and when they pass each other in Alvis Ryo smiles and says hello Soushi and Soushi finds himself wishing that he could say hello back, that his throat didn't close by itself every time he went through the security checkpoints into the building, afraid of the echo that might warp what he has to say into another invitation to the Festum who were always, always listening.

He really tried, though. After all, it's very hard not to try when the boy in question has curly dark hair and beautiful black eyes and a voice that lilts with a laugh even when he's not laughing, even when he's dying.

Even when he knows he's dying too.

Ryo-san, are you alright?

Ryo's face is pale and even under the dim lights of Alvis's hallways, Soushi can see that the other boy is panting, sweat beading on his forehead, hair sticking to the damp skin. Soushi bends to brush the strands away from his face and feels the shock of heat against his palm and Soushi, don't move your hand, it's so cold.

Of course, Ryo-san, and Soushi's knees hurt with the effort but he remains in a half-crouch, not daring to move. Ryo is delicate and thin with tapered wrists and knows both sides of Soushi and is strong enough to look up at Fafner and his comrades and watch them leave to work in the cellars of Alvis or sign on to fly planes to crash into enemies to stop them for a second, for only a second, even when it isn't enough.

Just Ryo, Soushi. Call me Ryo.

You should go to see Toomi-sensei. She can help.

I'm fine. I'll be fine. Just stay here, Soushi.

Before Ryo went he kissed the top of Soushi's head and Soushi did not tell him that he was beginning to learn how to pilot a Fafner and so Ryo had better not get himself killed on this stupid mission before Soushi can replace him on the battlefield. Instead he tries not to cry and says Ryo-san I'm sorry this is all my fault and then he's crying anyway, voice choking with the effort it takes him to speak inside of Alvis, cheeks flushed, and he didn't want to cry and Ryo says just Ryo and kisses his forehead and his cheeks and then, after a moment of hesitation (does he think he will die, Ryo-san you have to come back don't leave me here), his mouth, tongue nudging up against Soushi's lips. Ryo is warm and hot against Soushi and Soushi realized that he needs to make Ryo stay, that this is a suicide mission, will you just wait in a month they'll let me start piloting Fafner, Ryo-san can you wait for me that long but it's too hard to speak inside of Alvis and he'd never bring up Alvis out on the island and this is his last chance and Ryo is smiling softly with eyes that are just a bit sad, just a bit tired. Soushi presses uncertain lips against Ryo again and again, opening his mouth wide enough to allow the intrusion of Ryo's tongue which begins tracing patterns on his own.

Ryo is beginning to pull away. No, Soushi thinks, and is thankful that they're in his room, that Ryo is bending over him as he sits in a chair that seems much too small now as he arches up to kiss Ryo's cheeks and neck and as much of Ryo's collarbone as he can reach without taking his hands away from the back of Ryo's neck. Ryo's skin is hot and Soushi moves closer, tries to press himself tightly against the only boy who stays the same and he closes his eyes and hears Ryo pant and imagines that they're not in Alvis anymore.

Soushi, Ryo says, and Soushi kisses him again, insistently, don't stop now can't stop Ryo you can't go and tugs at the bottom of Ryo's shirt, slipping nervous hands underneath the red tee, feeling Ryo's stomach clench and his tongue stop moving and Soushi knows that Ryo is going to push him away a second before he does.

Soushi, please.

Soushi can't think—Ryo is going to leave him alone and go out in the middle of nowhere to die for no reason it's my fault not yours and he can't think of anything else and sinks out of the chair, kneeling, remembering all of those things he'd heard from the boys in his class when he was being school-Soushi, when he couldn't plug his fingers in his ears and now he's thankful. He moves to start unbuckling Ryo's pants please Ryo don't and feels the other boy shiver, hands spasming in Soushi's hair.

Soushi, stop.

And Soushi's not an idiot, knows that Ryo is in love with Yumi, has always watched her—he who has always watched Ryo would know. For a moment he wonders why Ryo doesn't know this, and wonders if Ryo really understands Soushi, or if Soushi has been lying to himself, pretending that he is not as alone as he has always been. But Ryo's voice still has the hint of laugh in it and so Soushi unzips the boy's jeans, hands shaking, and this time Ryo really pushes and Soushi's head smacks against the sharp edge of the chair that'd he'd been sitting in but since toppled over and Ryo does not apologize, takes Soushi's hands in his own and says I will come back, but you can't keep me here. Soushi this is my duty, and one day it will be yours. You have to be proud of Alvis.

The words sound strange in his head. Soushi shakes himself to clear it.

Ryo-san, you promise you'll come back for me?

Just Ryo, Soushi. And of course.

The new model will be ready by the end of two months. I will come to pick you up.

Ryo's hands squeeze his own too tightly. I know.

--

After Ryo leaves it becomes trivial to speak inside of Alvis, because he's stopped speaking out of it. He stops going home and he watches the sky and waits for Ryo to come back even if he's dead, even if the submarine was lost and Fafners used Fenrir. (He does everything he can: he rationalizes, he begs, and he doesn't allow himself to lose it inside Seigfried, inside Alvis, in front of his father.)

And four months later when Soushi finds the recording, finds that it was Ryo who killed himself to warn the island and left a recording to commemorate his comrades' struggles, he almost isn't surprised. He remembers Ryo's sparkling eyes and fevered determination and thin, tapered wrists and tells Kuramae to go home ahead of him.

This is the last boat. Are—when will you come back?

When it's time to select the next set of pilots.

Are you sure you can do this, Soushi?

He lets his back answer for him as he makes his way across the landing, returning to the depths of Alvis where he will continue to stay until it is time to send out the next group of friends to fight and to die and Soushi swears that he will never ask another one of them to return for him.

(In the end, cruelly, it is Kazuki who pilots Fafner in his place. In the end, Soushi must break another promise.)