Authoress note: this my first time writing romance! I hope you like it!

Once upon a time in a far away country called Scandinavia there lived two HAWT boyz named Norway and Denmark. They also hung out all the time with their equally hot best friend Sweden (authoress note: but he won't be in this story 'cause, like, him and Åland were off on a date making each other dinner and playing with Lord of the Rings action figures and maybe nerd lingerie). They did EVERYTHING together and it was sooooo cute!

It was even cuter because Norway and Denmark were totally in love with each other and everyone realized it but them! Sweden had tried to set them up at all of his dinner parties and told them there was nothing to be embarrassed about by being gay and that he did it all the time.

Anyways, one night Denmark hadn't seen Norway all day but it was okay because they had plans in the morning to take a long walk on the beach holding hands as friends. Denmark was taking a shower so he could get to bed early. He walked into the bathroom and turned the hot water on so everything got super-steamy and warm. The wetter, the better!

"Tra la la la." Denmark sang. "I can't wait to get soapy and touch myself all over in the shower! I sure do hope no one breaks in to ravish me and steal my precious virginity!"

But it was such a bad thing Denmark forgot to lock his front door and the evil and horny Netherlands picked that moment to cheat on poor Belgium! Netherlands didn't live too far away so he walked up to the bathroom. He threw back the shower curtain and found Denmark all naked and vulnerable!

It was so sad because Denmark was normally so modest and shy and there was only one country he wanted seeing him nude (hint: it wasn't Netherlands). He tried to hide his nipples and lucky for him his tiny Danish beefstick was hidden by soapsuds. Tears sprang into Denmark's sparkling cerulean eyes while Netherlands tied him to the showerhead with a soap on a rope and pulled out a jar of petroleum jelly from the medicine cabinet.

And then Netherlands stripped down to his nether regions and Denmark was so scared and embarrassed that he screamed. Netherlands was a total jerk about Denmark's feelings. He slapped Denmark across the face and told him to be quiet

"You can't do this to me!" Denmark screamed bravely.

"I can and I am." Netherlands slapped him again.

Denmark cried and cried and cried it wasn't from the pain caused by Netherlands' blows but from another pain- a pain in his heart! "Y-you don't understand!" Denmark sobbed. "I've been saving myself for… someone very special."

"I don't care!" Said Netherlands, being such a butthead. "All I care about, my sweet Denmark, is taking a journey through your tunnel of love! Now relax while I penetrate you with my anal invader!"

"You can't! You'll never fit." Denmark whimpered softly. "My delicate virgin opening is so tight that you couldn't even get a thermometer up there with a sledgehammer."

Netherlands ignored him and dipped two fingers into the petroleum jelly (which isn't as gross as it sounds. They were using the organic stuff and it tasted almost as good as strawberry jelly on toast). It seemed to Denmark that all hope was lost and he wouldn't be able to give himself to Norway the way he had planned. He never wanted his first time having sex to be like this! He always thought it would be in a big heart-shaped king sized bed overlooking a beautiful mountain scene while Norway held him close and kissed him gently. Denmark also kinda wished he could top, but he just wasn't big enough to be a seme.

Netherlands came closer to Denmark and leaned in for a kiss but Denmark chastely turned his cheek to the side, blushing madly.

"Stop!" A new voice with a Norwegian accent bellowed. It was deep and strong. Suddenly, Norway appeared in the bathroom with them. He heard Denmark's screams all the way in Oslo and ran over to help. Or something.

"Yay!" Denmark cheered. "Norway's come to save me!" He was so happy to see Norway, who had a build like a model with strong arms and a dashing smile, for the occasion, he wore his flag like a cape and showed up shirtless. He sported sexy all around!

"Indeed." Norway flashed Denmark a big smile before he whirled on the Netherlands. "And you!" He pointed an accusing finger at the other country. "How dare you try to take my true love! Don't you know that I am the only country worthy of deflowering Denmark?"

"Norway." Hissed Netherlands. "I have already made plans this night to break Denmark's behymen."

"No way, Netherlands!" He tossed his head so that his adorable canary colored afro curls shook to and fro. "My crotch rocket's ready for takeoff! And Denmark's booty is my target! In three… two…"

"Wait!" Netherlands blurted. "You can't just show up and tell me what to do and expect me to listen! Do you think you're America- the rightful ruler of the world?"

"Of course not!" Norway reeled backward, aghast. "No one could possibly be as cool and awesome and wonderful and clever as America! But unless you leave right this second, I'll spend all next week clubbing your seals. I still do that you know."

"Pft! Whatever man!" Netherlands spat and he turned to leave. "I can just run back to Belgium and he'll never know I tried to cheat on him. There's no way Denmark could handle sex with me anyways, he has no idea how to do it. At least with Belgium, I can smoke while he eats chocolate. It makes a new scent we call chocojuana. Herbal Essence could make a shampoo out of it."

That's just how wonderful and awesome Norway really was. Even when he didn't mean to, he sent Netherlands back to his true love. Though Norway just selfishly wanted Denmark all to himself. If a threesome happened, it would totally be with Sweden. But not yet. Not on this magical night. He instead let himself fall completely into the moment.

Norway left Denmark tied up just so he wouldn't try to run. Denmark also probably found it comforting to be confined and he minded a lot less with Netherlands chased off. It was just friggin' sweet that he trusted Norway so totally completely. He relaxed under the warm water and watched mesmerized as Norway ripped off his pants (which were butless… I probably should've mentioned that before) and caressed his chest, which was covered in soft, sunshine colored hair (thankfully, his back was hairless because otherwise this would be really gross).

But something still concerned him a lot. There was no way in holy heck Denmark would ever be afraid of Norway, but he was soooo scared of the pain from sex. I mean, think about it. It would be exactly like taking a giant poo but in reverse. He tried to focus on the overflowing affection for Norway that filled his heart, but that other thing that would fill him just might be too much for him to take. If he was afraid of Netherlands, Norway had to be at least five times as big!

Lucky for him, Norway was super in-tune with Denmark's feelings 'cause that's what happens when you find true love. 3

"Don't be scared, Denmark. A lot of countries, at first, are intimidated by my enormous… eminence but eventually they all learn to bend to my will accept it like real men!" Said Norway. "I've always loved you so much and I know you can handle me!"

"But I don't have any condoms." Denmark continued to protest while struggling against the soap on a rope. "I've never needed them before now. What if…"

"If you end up pregnant, I promise you I'll raise the baby by your side." Norway took a step towards Denmark and took him in his arms.

"Oh Norway, I love you so much." Denmark's eyes danced the Charleston. Since he couldn't hug back, he rested his head against Norway's shoulder.

And that's where Norway finally entered Denmark and they united into one new country named Denway!

And then the world exploded in a flurry of cherry blossoms and fireworks and passion. Over in the west, it was like 4th of July came early!

"Wow Norway, I'm so glad you were the one to devirginize me and not that horrible Netherlands. That was the best 30 seconds I've ever had in my life. I'll never refuse sex with you ever again!"

"I'm so glad I brought you out of your shell, my sex kitten." Said Norway.

And they like, totally made out and stuff in a fit of adorable bromance! Norway finally untied Denmark and since both of them were already clean from standing under hot water so long they went right to bed and fell asleep cuddling and agreed to have sex again in the morning.

And it was cute cute CUUUUUTE!

-Fin

Actual A/N: My original plan was to let the masses puzzle out just *who* wrote this and if it was real or just a joke, but everyone caught on pretty quick. Therefore, I might as well just confess to writing this royal wreck of a fanfic (plus, it's a pain to switch back and forth between accounts).

Overall though, it wouldn't do at all to post a yaoi story in Sister America's voice under my actual pen name. But it sure was a grand fun time to take the characters and intentionally hammer them into contrived romance stereotypes. I kinda died a little inside taking them so much out-of-character, but after I remembered Sister America wrote a Norway/Denmark fanfic then I knew it was my duty to share what I thought it would look like.

Cheers!

~Mekkababble