Mother :)

They say a mother's love is instinctual, unconditional, and forever. They say a mother's love is the greatest love of all, only I wouldn't know because I never had that from my mum. Love was something that she didn't give me; maybe she was incapable of love. Maybe it was nothing personal after all. She didn't hold my hand crossing the road, or take me to the park and push me on the swings. She didn't read me bedtime stories and kiss me goodnight. She didn't hug me, or kiss me and I don't think she ever told me she loved me. See to her I was just a mistake.

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I'd had her love because her negative influence had such a powerful and long lasting effect on me. Everything I went through when I was growing up made me turn to a life that deep down I didn't want for myself. I got stuck in a rut and the abuse and hurt I suffered at her hands eventually came out of my hands too and before long I became the same. An abuser, a thief, no good and I hated myself, just like she hated me.

But eventually I broke the chain, I turned my life around and I learned how to love and be loved. I would never put my kids through what my mum put me through, as to me they are my greatest achievements, my treasures, my whole world and that will never change. I remember seeing my friends with their mums and wishing I could have what they had, love, laughter, fun and happy times. All I got was neglect, disappointments, empty promises and beatings from her boyfriend. She told me she never wanted me and there were times when I prayed that she'd give me away. Anything would have been better than what she gave me.

I used to defend her, especially with him (Terry), but then she would never go up against him and she'd end up turning on me and I'd get twice the beating. She would just let him do it too, I remember one time calling for her to help me, but she just opened up another tinny and left me. The times I would cry became more frequent and I just wanted to be someone else…anyone as long as it wasn't me. Her harsh words and cruel names began to sink in and I believed I was worthless. I believed I was all the things she said I was, thick, stupid, wrong, a failure, a mistake, no good for anything and that I would make nothing of myself or my life.

It's all still there in my head, I don't think it will ever go; she has left her mark on me forever. She put a man before her own son; she even put drink before me, what kind of mother does that? Even though she gave up on me I never gave up on her and I longed for her to change and to be the mum she should have been. She would try for a day of two but then she'd just go back to her old ways. I used to think she just liked a drink but she was an alcoholic…end of. Terry beat her too; maybe that's why she drank as much as she did. I would have done anything for her love and guidance. I hated feeling so alone.

She hurt me and left a void in my life that I have tried to fill, but no matter what I try to achieve or what love I have, a part of me still feels empty…dead. So seeing her in my home now makes me wonder if I'm dreaming. I mean why would she be here? We don't get on at all and the last time she was here she told me she wished I'd never been born. I pinch myself and slap my face, but she is still in front of me. She looks like she had aged twenty years, her messy blonde hair, full of dark roots and more grey than I remember. Her clothes look like they could do with a wash and she smells of cheap over powering perfume and alcohol. Clearly nothing for her has changed, except more lines on her older looking face.

I ask her what she is even doing here and she tells me Doug called her. My heart sinks at that, he is the one person I thought I could always count on. He doesn't know my history with her but he knows we don't get on, so why would he call her? Me and Doug come from different backgrounds; I never thought that would be a problem, until now. He has the doting parents; he has a mother's love, he has everything that I don't and he has done more harm than good bringing her here. I can't deal with this…I can't deal with her, it hurts me too much.

She will fill my head with promises that she can't keep but I will not let her do that…not this time. Doug thinks we should patch things up, he wants me to have someone…a family, but I can't rely on her, I never could. It isn't long until her true colours show and the minute she finds out I'm gay, she goes back to her abusive ways and makes me feel worthless again. It's like I've gone back in time and I'm the young lad I used to be. I'm reliving a life I hated, her being here is making me feel so much, and I want to run away and be someone else once more.

The deli is my haven usually but even there I'm not safe from the ghosts of my past. She has opened up a can of worms and I explode and everything she has ever done comes out of me. I trash the deli and the life that I have worked so hard to get is now in ruins. I lash out at everything, food, equipment and I feel like I am going to lose my mind. Then the one that gets me is standing there, holding my face and calming me down. The one who at one point made me feel the same but has since redeemed himself. The one who I have tried so hard not to love but can't help loving is here supporting me and it feels like in an instant he has taken all of my grief away.

That's what he does when he holds me in his arms, he makes everything better. Brendan Brady is my cure in every sense and he always will be. I hold on to him tightly and I cry in to him like I have never cried before and without words I know that he understands. I need to deal with everything I know but for now I just want him this way. As for Pauline she has had her last chance, she will never change and I've just got to accept that. She will always be an abuser to me; she will always be an alcoholic and she will always love the wrong men. She is lots of things…except for my mother.

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