How did we grow so far apart?

Everything was black and white, things were so simple back then…

Life was all about games and having fun. Enjoying each others company and even challenge each other to prove to the other which one was better, to gain boasting rights nothing more.

Yet at the end of the day, we still were the best of friends.

We were there for each other through thick and thin, covering each others shells.

Out of the four of us, we two grew close to each other, as brothers.

Then… one day it all changed for the worse…

How it started…

Raph POV

I fully relied on him, trusting him to take the lead at times and being there for me when I needed it.

In truth, I always stood up tall and proud to take the blame to save his sorry ass when it came to it, making it look like I was the one that started the mischief, taking whatever punishment that came with it.

I didn't mind one bit really, I would gladly do it for him in a heart beat.

We were a team, there was no leader or underling, just the two of us.

Sure, I hung around Mikey and Donnie as well, but it wasn't the same, they had their own things as Leo and I did.

Things were awesome, amazing even.

We got along so well, in the likes you would never believe.

Of course at times I have to admit we got into some nasty scuffles turning into full blown fights, hell come on now, we are brothers after all.

Do you really think we would be lovely dovey all the time. HA! That is a laugh, damn it, we fought tooth and nail too, but it wasn't like how it is now…

The funny thing is after our little spat, all we would do afterwards was just looked at each other in silence, breathing heavily.

Leo… man Leo would be all bruised up as hell, he should have been in pain hindered by it.

Yet he just wore that goofy look on his face like he wasn't sure if he should cry or lunge at me to get back for punching him.

No matter how much I tried I could never hold it back at that point.

Falling victim to the bubbling amusement boiling inside me, roaring a thunderstorm of laughter, I would flop to the ground, rolling around like some fool, to the point I felt like I was going to piss myself.

All the while Leo just stared at me complex, red in the face, flabbergasted over what to do next.

Finding some control over this fit of mine, I would somehow manage to get a light smile on my lips, punching him in the arm.

In reaction to my normal brute behavior, he would just freeze in his spot at first.

Then when you think he would attack or lash back, which I would do that is for sure. He did the opposite; giving me a smile like no other that made Mikey's run away in shame.

The next part let me tell you, it would knock your socks off, Leo would start laughing.

Not that haa haa bullshit, I mean out right horse laugh, the one you would never be caught dead letting out.

Oh man… it was the best, of course after the fact he would threaten me not to tell anyone…

Between you and me I did, though Mikey and Donnie didn't believed me…

Those were the good old days…

Then it all changed… it all started when Master Splinter announced he has chosen his successor to be the leader of the four of us.

I really wanted the position, not to prove that I was better or anything like that, I'm not conceded or believe I deserved it.

No, I just wanted to prove to myself that I was just as eligible and worthy to be granted that honor just the same as my other brothers.

I knew I could do it if I work hard enough, I might not be perfect, but I knew I had it in me to be the leader and keep my brothers safe.

Yet that never came to be…

When our Master lined us up, as he walked back and forth telling some lecture I had no interest in, he finally finished stopping in front of Leo.

With a low bow to Leo, Master Splinter gave him the blue bandana that symbolized the leader.

I couldn't believe it, my hopes were crushed by this signal gesture.

The bastard smiled brightly of course, he did… stating something on the lines how honored he was… Like hell he was! I could see the sparkle in his eye telling me he won this round…

He was so smug, full of pride that I felt like puking and punching that damn face of his.

I didn't hate Leo for getting it really, I guess I was just very disappointed… Sadly, that wasn't the icing on the cake though that ripped me apart inside.

The Master didn't stop there going down the line, with Donnie next receiving the purple bandana then Mikey with orange, then last it was my turn.

At that moment I didn't care, I was frustrated not understanding why Leo was chosen, he was the last turtle I would consider becoming the leader.

I figured if it wasn't me Donnie would have been the one…

Then when I gazed upon on what was in store for me, I felt so insulted, then I ever thought could happen to me that day, on top of Leo becoming the leader.

I was given the red one, the opposite color to blue.

Damn it, in every video game or board game… no matter which one you look at! The red and blue were always enemies… was that what we will become?

We to be bitter rivals to the end of our bloody days?

For me to always stand in his shadow as nothing more than some failure, in comparison to him?

…

I really thought we were equals… So much the same… I guess I was wrong.

Pissed off as I was, for being a 12 year old at the time, I had a lot of anger boiling within, even for me.

Unable to stand there any longer feeling like some loser that got the punch on the shoulder being told better luck next time, I lost it!

I stormed out of that damn place as my brothers gasped in shock, that I would even dare to pull such an unspeakable act like this, on such a joyful ceremony of coming of age.

To me it wasn't joyful only a slap in the face.

My insides felt like they were on fire as I ran, hearing my father yelling at me telling me to get my shell back there or else…

I ignored the old rat in disgust, I couldn't look at him, how could he have done this to Leo and me?

In my rage I fled out of the lair to the sewers making every turn and twist possible to lose myself and to make sure that no one was able to follow me.

Running for hours I finally came to a spot that seemed far enough and secure to take shelter.

I stayed in that filthy place, burrowing in my regret and sorrows.

Begging the question that plagued me so… Was I not good enough?

For hours I didn't stir from that spot as long as I could manage.

Unfortunately for me my stomach betrayed me, reminding me that I haven't had lunch and it must have been past supper time. In the end, I was defeated by my own body, forced to go back to that place...

The lair as I could remember was dead quiet, to the point it gave me a dreadful feeling, bringing shivers up my spine.

My father was the only one around sitting there in the dark, within his chair looking at me disapprovingly.

Part of me felt guilty for causing such a commotion on the day my brothers and I have been waiting for eagerly, for weeks at that. While the other part wanted to yell at him.

To get down to business and ask him why?!

That part was stronger overflowing the small portion of guilt in my heart, making me to take action.

I stomped up to him still holding the stupid red banana filmy in one hand, I couldn't stomach the sight of it or what it represented.

"Why!" I roared at him as he calmly looked at the red bandana then back to me with his eyes that showed no anger at all.

"It suits you my son," the old rat stated not shifting in his spot.

"It suits me?! How is that? Am I not good enough to be the leader or be considered to be one?"

Thinking my father would say something on the lines to soothe the rage inside me that was about to explode, he did the opposite, crossing his legs, making his face blank and hard, "No my son you're not."

My world being crushed underneath me at that moment, my heart felt so heavy like someone filled it up with concrete.

I really wasn't suspecting him to say something so cold like that.

It hit me so hard I lost all feelings in my legs as they became numb.

Gravity came down upon me with an unforgiving force, making my body fall to the ground as I could only stare at the cement floor in vain.

I wasn't good enough… What made Leo worthy of our father's praise?

What have I done?

The old rat not saying another word rose out of his chair, leaving me with my denial that ate at my soul.

What made Leo better than me? Was I really the weakest link here…

Leo POV

I looked up to Raph, he might have been younger, or was it we were the same age?

I really never found out, like I really care if I was the oldest or not.

To me Raph was the world.

We got along so well, like two peas in a pod.

Even those days we would rough house, I never could stay mad at him for long, he always knew how to put a smile on my face.

I would have to admit he did a better job when it came to me, then say Mikey ever had.

Though I wouldn't dare tell Mikey that, it would only put his sprits down.

I remember this one time when Raph got lost in the winding labyrinth of the sewers, even now it still vivid in my head like it was yesterday.

Ah, that was a very entertaining day indeed, I mean he wasn't lost per say…

Sort of… See he wasn't really alone, I was there hiding in the shadows following him and of course he didn't have a clue that I was watching him.

Also at that time I knew the way back home, so it wasn't that big of a deal, to me at least.

After some time had past, the tough guy as he always put himself out as, finally started to cry, which was a rare occasion I might add.

Then, like the good brother as I was, I came out of nowhere to play the hero.

You should have seen his face, the tears rolling down his cheeks that were red by his frustration and fear.

Then everything instantly changed in him as he saw me.

His eyes were full of joy in seeing me there, I would have thought he would deny he was lost or scared, even pull some excuse why he was crying.

Yet he broke down, running to me, wrapping his arms around me as he admitted how scared he was.

That was the one moment in my life that I ever felt like the big brother…

Those were good days…

But everything changes, it's unfortunately a part of growing up…

We were all standing there listening to our Master who was giving a very long and boring speech.

Like normal I appeared to be interested, but I really wanted it to end so we can go play before we go off to do our usual training.

Little did I know that our Master had chosen his successor.

I mean I knew he was going to, but didn't realized it was today.

I forgot, lets say I was a bit scatterbrained at times, forgetting such things or was it not listening in the first place…

Of course I grew out of that faze or was it forced out of me…

Anyways, that day was our coming to age celebration, the day we are seen as adults and take the responsibilities as one.

The real shock of it all was when he stopped in front of me bowing down to me out of the blue.

Saying I was speechless was an understatement, since I didn't know what was going on, then to my surprise he handed me the blue bandana.

Of course I was thrilled that I was chosen to be the leader, it was an honor to have our father think of me that worthy.

I never consider myself to be asked to take on such a responsibility.

Though at the time I had no clue how much responsibility that was or what I would sacrifice in order to be the leader of our family.

Thanking our Master in the way I thought would suit the situation, I could see in the corner of my eye Raph was brooding.

Being a bit confused, I wasn't sure why he was so angry.

At first I was considering on mocking him, showing that I was better than him as a stupid joke, but part of me felt odd, concerned at the consequences of that action, so I didn't dare.

Unable to stand seeing him in such a foul mood, I darted my gaze elsewhere, so the rising guiltiness inside would stop eating at me, yet at the time I wasn't sure why I was feeling this way.

Did Raph want to be the leader? He never mentioned it to me before, then why did he seemed very upset that I received the title…

My father moving on, went down the line to each brother, giving them their own special bandana.

Before I knew it, I heard Donnie and Mikey gasp as our Master started yelling at Raph.

Instantly being consumed by the cloud of chaos, I turned around witnessing my brother running out of the lair in a dead run.

To follow him, I rushed forward without a second thought.

I had to stop Raph before he got himself hurt and to find out what was wrong with him.

Yet to my dismay, I didn't get two inches away as our father stopped me in my tracks forcefully striking his cane to the ground to signify that I wasn't to disobey him.

"Donatello, Michelangelo to your rooms, Leonardo in the Dojo now," Father firmly ordered as my other brothers reluctantly obeyed heading to their rooms.

As for me, I didn't care what he said, I was going after Raph, he was upset and I couldn't leave him alone, he would go out of his way to do the same for me!

"Father I am going after…"

"No! Leonardo I said in the Dojo."

Shaking my head, I couldn't believe he wouldn't let me go after Raph, any other given time he would give me permission, why was this time any different?

"Please father, I have…"

"Leonardo your brother is angry and needs time to settle down."

"I know he is angry… Why, I don't know… but I just can't leave him be, he needs me," I protested looking at the door in vain.

Sighing the rat placed his hand onto my shoulders leading me to the Dojo, as I felt like I was fighting a battle I couldn't win.

"Leonardo, there are things we need to discus, as you are now the leader."

"Can't it wait?"

"No, it can not my son. A part of being a leader is knowing when to act and not. Your brother is jealous that he wasn't appointed as leader."

Stopping where I was, looking at the bandana I wanted to throw it away, Raph was jealous of me over this thing?

That wasn't like Raph, he never got jealous of me.

It was just a piece of cloth and this title… If being leader meant I would lose what I had with Raph, I didn't want it.

"I don't want to be the leader then…" I said slowly seeing the disappointment and hurt in my father's eyes, like my words were like daggers.

"Leo you're the only one that could be, your brothers are not qualified."

In anger I snapped my beak at him, "What in the world would make me qualified? How am I any better than one of my other brothers! I thought we are all equals!"

With a rush of hot wind crossing by I could feel my cheek redden. That image of his hand in mid air, proving to me that such mutiny was not tolerated under his roof, burned deep into my memory.

I became quiet and dismissive quickly at that moment realizing what I said and did, my path was chosen for me regardless if I like it or not… I had no choice to play the part that was cast upon me. No matter what… I had to do what I was told and become the leader that took everything that was dear to me away…

TBC