This Is How It Feels
Post- "Don't take me for granted". Jake is back, so what does he want with Peyton? Not a Jake/Peyton fic. One-parter.
A/N: "Don't take me for granted" sort of got me in a bit of an uproar. Most people were pretty quick to jump on the assumption that Lucas was talking about Brooke when he said she was slipping away. Being the Leyton fan that I am, I think Lucas was talking about Peyton. So this is my take on what happens directly after the episode. All my other fics are going to be updated very soon!
The shock still hadn't registered for her. She couldn't believe who was standing a few yards away from her. Peyton didn't even know Jake was back in town, hell she hadn't really talked to him since he left town with Jenny. What was he doing here, right now, in the middle of the night? She didn't have much time to wonder, because he turned and walked away with a look of disgust plastered across his face.
Peyton looked back at Rick and wondered what the hell she was doing. This was wrong, she had promised herself she was done with the drugs. She shouldn't be here. So she left Rick standing by himself with the bag of coke still in his hand. Peyton wanted answers from Jake, so she followed the direction he had fled in hoping to catch up to him.
After a bit of a chase Peyton finally spotted him walking down the sidewalk, his shoulders hunched over and his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans.
"Jake!" she called after him. He continued to ignore her so Peyton quickened her pace and grabbed him by the elbow. It was the only way she could get him to stop. He turned to face her, anger flashing in his eyes. "What are you doing here?"
"This was mistake, coming back." He said, shaking his head.
Peyton took a minute to study this face she hadn't seen in over six months. He looked older, his face had weathered in the time he had been gone. He was thinner now, especially in the face. His shaggy mop of hair he had left town with was gone, replaced by a shorter more traditional cut. He looked different. His time away had changed him, whether it was for the better remained to be seen.
"Were you buying drugs?" he asked point blank.
Peyton had naively believed Jake hadn't seen what she was doing with Rick. She struggled to find the right words to explain it all a way as a misunderstanding. Peyton looked up at Jake, his jaw was clenched and his eyes burned into hers, it was obvious he wasn't in the mood for a mess of lies. So she decided not to say anything at all.
"I saw you with that guy and the baggie full of something that looked like drugs. What's going on Peyton??"
"It's not what you think Jake." She said slowly, her voice full of shame. "I've only done it a few times and then I gave it up, but things got bad at school and with my friends. I know that sounds like a horrible excuse but it's true. That guy you saw me with? His name is Rick. He's he guy who got me to try it and he kept pushing it on me. I cut ties with him but then I just needed a little bit to get me through this rough patch, so I called him. This was going to be my last time."
"What were you taking?" Jake asked
"Cocaine."
"God Peyton." He shook his head. "What happened to you?"
Peyton could no longer look him in the eye, her head hung in disgrace. She was humiliated once again, as if her defaced locker hadn't been bad enough she know had to deal with the knowledge that her former friend knew about her drug habit.
"What are you doing here Jake?" she asked again. Her earlier attempt at getting an answer from him had been ignored.
"I came here for you." He answered quickly. "I've spent the last few months in Savannah thinking about you and about us. I wanted to get things cleared up with Jenny and Nikki before I came back and told you this, but I couldn't wait any more. I want to be with you."
Once again Peyton Sawyer was at a loss for words. Jake had just come back to town with no warning and poured his heart out to her in the middle of the street. And she had nothing to say.
He was getting antsy waiting for her to say something back to him. His fingers twitched nervously as he tried to read her face for some idea of what she was thinking. Jake held on for almost thirty second before he called her name softly.
"Jake I…" she didn't get a chance to finish her thought before Jake lunged forward and captured her lips with his. The kiss was over as soon as it had begun as he pulled away quickly. Jake had gotten the answer he had so desperately needed from her in one little kiss. She hadn't kissed him back.
Peyton wiped gently at the smudged lip gloss on the corners of her lips. "I'm sorry Jake." She apologized softly seeing the sad look in his eyes.
"What are you sorry for?" Jake looked down at the road and kicked a small stone from the street.
"I'm so sorry that you came all this way to tell me how to feel and I'm thinking about someone else." She felt horrible that she had hurt him like this. Jake was her friend, she had never intended for it to go further than that.
"It's not your fault. I shouldn't have just shown up like this and assumed you would be available. Let's just forget about this whole thing, that way I can save myself a small amount of dignity." He attempted a smile.
"Does Lucas know about the drugs?" he asked. Jake knew that Lucas was the one she wanted. It had always been that way.
"No, he doesn't know." she admitted sheepishly. Jake knowing who she was thinking about made it all hurt a little more.
"You should go and talk to him. You need to go now, you can't deal with this on your own."
"What about you, are you leaving town now. I want to be able to talk to you, I want to know about Jenny."
"I'll call you before I get ready to head out, we can catch up. Right now you need to take care of yourself and you heart. Get better Peyton, I want you to be safe and healthy." He grabbed her hand and squeezed it gently before dropping it gently and walking away.
She watched Jake walk away alone down the street. Her mind didn't linger long on him, she needed to follow the advice he had given her. She had to find Lucas.
The walk to his house seemed to last forever, the night air was crisp making her wish she had a jacket. She was thankful for the time alone, she needed the opportunity to think about how she was going to tell Lucas. Peyton noticed the porch light was on over the back door that led to his room, as she walked up the pathway to his house. Figuring she must be home, she knocked lightly on his door trying to avoid waking Karen. There was no answer. She was disappointed realizing he was probably with Anna.
She turned to leave and was surprised to hear footsteps coming up the path behind her. Lucas was walking with his head and hands tucked deep into the pocket of his jeans. He stopped in his tracks when he saw her looking back at him.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I was looking for you. I knocked a few times but I figured you were out with Anna. I was just about to leave."
"I wasn't. Out with Anna I mean. I stopped by Brooke's house on the way home." Lucas regretted mentioning being at Brooke's, but why lie?
"Oh." Peyton said softly
Lucas could see Peyton didn't understand what he was talking about. He was confused himself. He motioned for her to sit with him on one of the steps on the back porch, which she did. "I was at Anna's house earlier tonight. But it wasn't what you think. I broke up with her, told her there was someone else that I wanted. I tried getting a hold of you after I left her house, I even stopped by Brooke's place to see if she knew where you were."
Peyton soon realized that she was the girl Lucas was talking about, she was the one he wanted. "I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything Peyton. I just, I've been feeling this way for awhile. And when I stopped by your house earlier and you said that I didn't know what's going on in your life because I'm not there for you anymore, I realized that you were slipping away from me. I was taking you for granted and acting like a shitty friend. I'm sorry for not being there for you"
"I really did need you Lucas."
"I know, and it might not mean much now but I want to be there for you. I want you to be able to talk to me again, to trust me."
"As much as I want to be angry at you I can't, I want you to be there for me. I want to be able to confide in you."
"You can tell me anything Peyton." He reassured her.
So they sat together for the next hour, Peyton confiding in him about the drugs and her depression and Lucas just sat there with her listening to every word she had to say. He didn't judge her or tell her how stupid she had been for taking drugs, he just let her tell her everything she had been holding back. And she was incredibly grateful for the companionship he offered her at that very moment.
"You know that I will be there to help you in any way I can Peyton, we're going to beat this thing." He couldn't bring himself to use the words drug problem; he didn't want to think of Peyton that way. But it was the truth, she had a problem and needed help.
"Thanks for the 'we'." She said timidly.
"I think that since you just bared you soul to me, I should confess something that I've been holding back for some time."
"Ok, go ahead." Peyton looked a little nervous as a wave of uncertainty rushed over her.
"I want to be to be more than your friend Peyton, I always have. I know that this might seem too sudden right now with all that's going on in your life, but I just thought you should know that I'm thinking about you all the time."
Peyton was both stunned and relieved to discover that Lucas felt the way he did. She had been so scared to think that he was falling for Anna.
"Say something?" Lucas urged.
"I was scared," she admitted, "that you wouldn't feel the same way."
Lucas smiled. "So what are you saying?"
"I'm saying that I've missed having you as a friend, and I've missed having you as something more. I just didn't realize it until tonight. Someone else that I cared about suddenly came back into my life tonight, and he poured his heart out to me and told me that he had been thinking about me, kind of like you did. And then he kissed me, and I didn't kiss him back. For the split second his lips were on mine all I could think of was you, and wishing it was you who was kissing me."
"So you want to be with me?" Lucas asked eagerly.
"More than you know Lucas." She watched as a large grin spread across his face and she couldn't help but smile with him. He stood up and pulled her tight into his arms, his face buried in her neck.
Peyton pulled away gently. "If we do this Lucas it has to be for real, no more fooling around."
"I don't want anyone else Peyton, only you. And I want this to work as much as you do, and I'm not going to screw it up again." And with that reassurance Peyton leaned over and kissed him, letting her fears and doubts about herself melt away if only for a moment.
They stayed together that night, sitting together on the steps of his porch, talking for hours about what they'd missed in the others lives. When it got cold Lucas pulled off his sweatshirt and wrapped it around her shoulders, along with his arm. He held her tight, but she still tried to nestle in tighter. It had been a hell of night for the both of them, and in finding each other they had both discovered an overwhelming sense of calm and tranquility in each other's lives.
This is how itfelt to be in love.