Okay, real quick, so proctors and slobbering agents of doom don't hunt me down and kill me:

Disclaimer: I own jack of Naruto materials. Please try to forgive my fallibility. (I also apologize for my abrasive writing style.

-----------------------------------------Introduction-------------------------------------

Konohagakure

Uzumaki Naruto.

Age17.

With spiked blond tresses, of the decent height of five-foot-eleven, having more-than-lightly muscled physique.

Wearing black sweat pants with white-rimmed orange clouds at the cuffs, a black T-shirt with the cuff ripped off, platinum armlets with black snakeskin coverings, heavy combat boots.

Bearing a glimmering sun-shaped scar on his left bicep, black whisker marks on his left and right cheeks, a hidden complex demon-seal on his abdomen, and the expression of one that comes from being admired, fantasized about, cherished, and stalked constantly: pure mischief

Is currently being chased. By whom, for what reason, and to where, one would ask. He is being chased by rabid fan-girls of various measurements of age, size, weight, attractiveness, and popularity, eager mothers and fathers, male "admirers", a mixed company of assholes, jackasses, and stupid hooligans, and some stranger.

He is being chased by the girls and the admirers for his sex appeal and assorted rumors of his prowess in bed. He is being chased by the mothers and fathers for his rich heritage, good looks, great personality, fine values, his money, and his strong sense of morality (of course they were hoping to marry him off to their sons and/or daughters). The mixed company of miscellaneous trouble-makers is chasing him for the chance to prove themselves and discredit him. Only one has another reason.

The "fan club" is chasing him till he slows down enough to be caught and finally fought over. The parents are chasing him till they get within earshot so that their pleas could be heard clearly. The morons are chasing him till he hits a dead end with high walls. And that single other person will chase him for rest of eternity if that is what it takes to have him listen.

This is happening at noontide, so Naruto has a limited number of places to hide in successfully. The group is too expansive to dodge successfully. There are too many to totally lose. The group is too many in numbers to pull off a large scale genjutsu, even an extremely short one. The sun is too high to hide in any shadows. The group's spread of the city is too wide to shunshin away from. In other words, the huge crowd is just too big to get away from.

Now that you know what's going on and why, let's switch to the point of view of our favorite knucklehead!!

Naruto

'Ah, hell, I'm screwed.'

'You and your ego… when the hell are you gonna learn that there is more in life than your oversized assets, kit?!'

'What assets? If you mean my glamorous personality, sparkling wit, gorgeous bod', and humungous—

'Head. Honestly, you could have just had a peaceful morning with no real surprises other than the hinata girl finally gaining enough courage to tell you about how much she admires you - - without fainting afterwards, I might add. Instead, you go and "accidentally" declare that "the sexiest teenage shinobi" was eligible. If you had half a brain, you could have taken that lovely girl then and there and have been done with this whole charade.'

'But I'd have to give up my single status and have to protect Hinata from an assortment of attacks and barrages from hordes of blood thirsty girls - - and guys. Ugh, I hate the guys part. Why do I have to have muscles and fashion sense?! I should've remained with the "jumpsuit of humiliation" as you called it and relied on my charisma.'

'But then you wouldn't all those groupies you so love. By my mother's blood-soaked love, why in the nine hell gates do these girls have to be so strange?! The other day was what really convinced me of your lack of sanity. "Can you sign my ass ? " That was - - Is - - one of the most depraved, Definite-evidence-of-Lack-of-Brain, idiotic things I have ever heard come out of a human's mouth, and you yourself have said some lines that were pretty imbecilic in your life. For instance… your former catchphrase: "believe it !! " That doesn't come too close to that slut's request, but it was pretty strange. Thank the titans you finally gave effort to break the habit. And on the subject of stupidity, why in hell's inferno did you actually sign the girl's hindquarters? That was sillier than the request!!

' 'Cause I could.'

'You are the most insatiable human being I have ever known.'

'I know'

'You say with smug confidence…'

'Hey, you didn't argue when Jiraiya took me under his wing, or when I accepted that porn mag subscription, so what is this big stick up your ass? Huh?'

'Your habit of tomcatting is fine in moderation, but when it's too out in the open, one would end up with severe injuries from scorning one too many a woman's chastity. And with media coverage and high gossip sensationalism, you lead a severely taxing and nonexclusive lifestyle. '

'You're just jealous. By the way… you seem to have a good head on your shoulders most of the time, so I'm thinking this kinda contradicts your "true nature", being a feral spirit of nature and all.'

'I have been attached in your body, mind, and soul long enough to see a lot and gain a larger vocabulary, the main source having been your constant talks with the Sandaime, but I have mainly been extremely intelligent for the entirety of my existence. You humans just suppose that beings without civilization and/or intelligible language are unrefined. This is not so. For instance, why are magpies always stockpiling their treasure troves in the same spots? Why do wolves have territories and packs? And exactly how do predators know when there is a rival breed nearby? Bestial advancement is just more subtle and less obtrusive upon other beings.'

'So basically the animals are smarter than humans? That's really such an uplifting fact. I can see it now: "Hello Mr. Squirrel, could you help me with my Math homework?"'

'Don't be so cynical - - or depressed; only animal spirits rival the intelligence of humans. Otherwise it would be a severe disadvantage.

'Great, so the evil humans oppress the poor little forest critters? Aww, it's so tragic…

'Two things: one, you are overreacting, and being judgmental, and two - - LOOK out!'

Naruto nearly crashes into a merchant's wagon that just happened to have been creaking its way along a perpendicular route to the chase. Seizing the opportunity, he quickly slides under it.

The crowd rushes to the other side to catch him, but to no avail. All that was there were a sandy street and the owner of the cart, rushing to defend his vessel. They spread out to search for him, hoping to catch him slinking off down some alley.

Little did these people know that Naruto has great patience, which after years of endless training and mental strain, and is currently clinging to the wagon's underside as it is creaking its snail-like pace down the dusty avenue.

Chouji & Shikamaru

Naruto wakes to the sight of his good friend Chouji's feet. The smell of meat and exotic spice assaults his senses as he assesses his surroundings. It is obviously nearly dark as the street lamps are quietly being lit along the avenue.

Chouji is wearing a blue short sleeve shirt with thick brown denim pants and cow suede butcher's apron with deep blood stains on it. The boots he wears are of the same material as the apron, but more blood stains to the point where it looks painted. His headband that indicates his affiliation with Konahagakure's ninja squads is riveted into a black velvet strip and is currently being tied to his massive right bicep. He also has a tool belt with a varied assortment of cutting tools, all of which look deadly and sharp.

His hair is combed back into a rough ponytail and a light beard is neatly trimmed extremely close to the jawline. A massively ripped physique lightly strains against the confines of his clothes, only interrupted at the waist where there is a protruding gut from a hearty lifestyle. Naruto observes all this as Chouji stoops to speak to him directly.

"Alright, you can get your ass outta there, they're gone... "

groan

shuffle-shuffle

roll

stand

"By the way, as payment for my saving your famous butt, I offer you the lovely task of carrying in the beef and pork I have in the wagon into the kitchen so I can prepare it. I'll be needin' your help, seeing as Ichiraku's and a few other food places chipped in for a huge order for supplies. Shikamaru's gonna help your sorry hide, so don't you worry about gettin' lonely out here. The wagon's door is unlocked, the beef's in the iron meat locker this time, seeing as the stainless steel one's been broken since Konahamaru blew the circuits in an attempt to reinforce the walls with chakra to help keep pests, bacteria, and other nasty plagues upon humanity away from the meat. It worked nicely, but at the cost of the feeling in his feet and intense exhaustion, not to mention the wires blew from the overload of energy. Anywho, before I get off on an extensive rant, I'll get back to cutting up that huge side of ox before the flavor starts leaking out!"

goes inside

"Okay… looks like I've got my work cut out for me. Better get started"

" Heyy, wha'z goin' on?"

"Get down from there, sleepy, and I'll tell you."

Nara Shikamaru, Konahagakure's lazy genius shinobi, notorious snoozer, and now the current spymaster of Leaf Village's Anbu Black Ops, jumps off the giant cart to land lightly on his feet. As he straightens up, Naruto observes the various features of the young man.

Shikamaru has taken a taste to black and white clothing in recent years, much to do with his profession and his technique. He wears a creamy-white flannel shirt with ivory buttons and pitch-black silk lining the cuffs and inside collar, slightly baggy black jeans with the kanji for the five elements (earth, fire, water, wind, and void/heaven) stitched in various places in silver thread, held up with a rough gray lizard skin belt with a steel buckle in the shape of a dragon's maw, dark brown combat boots of similar design to Naruto's, but with steel toes, and a Leaf Village ninja headband with maroon lining tied to his thigh.

He had left his mask at home, for obvious reasons, and has decided to let his hair down save for the locks in the front, which have been braided to within an inch of their lives and clasped by two silver lizard rings. He sort of looks like a bored Neji, but due to Shika's distaste of the Hyuuga's grandiose look on things, he takes this joke not-so-lightly; the last idiot to make that comment within earshot of Shikamaru ended up being found the next morning strapped to his bed, with a squid hook embedded in his anus, and various insults sprayed on with indelible ink.

After that incident, his notoriety went through the roof and even travelers from afar know of his drastic reactions. An unexpected plus was a "bad boy" reputation that increased his sex appeal to the point where there are constant searches for him. Fortunately, though, this did not affect Shikamaru's lifestyle at all, for he usually takes his naps in precarious places like the nose of the Sandaime's engraved face at the Hokage Memorial. A/N: I don't know if that's what it's called, other than the "Hokage faces", which isn't much of a name to be revered.

"So what's going on with you lately, Shika-san?"

"Ah, nothin' much. Usual crap with fan girls hanging off of me. Usual crap with fan girls needing things signed. Honestly, it's like they --"

"--have no dignity?"

"Exactly -- Hey… since when are you a mind reader?"

"Well, I've known you for years, I've gotten the same sort of attitude, and there is the minor detail of me having the same problems."

"Har-Har, wotta riot. But I have one extra ass-pain on my hands now. Ugh"

"What is it this time? I mean, it can't be that much of a pain in the ass."

"You have absolutely no idea. Ino and Temari are proving the sad truth that I'm taking after my dad. They are really going to be a pain when we come of age. Y'know, the tender age when one can smoke his brains out and drink his sanity away and fuck his senses away. In other words, year 21, the year of total abandon. Temari's tastes probably are somewhere on the rough and in-need-of-rubber-bones side whereas Ino probably wants to be a dominatrix and other kinky crap."

"It's not that ugly. You could have had Sakura on you as well."

"Eh, that would be impossible. Even though Sasuke is somewhat coming out of the closet after that fling with Neji, she still obsesses about him. I think she may be more of a pervert than even Ino, and that's a stretch."

"You wanna talk about perversion, you should talk to Ero-Sennin; he knows all about that kinky crap, seeing as he is the manga artist and writer of that Icha-Icha rag.

"Ah, give him a break. It's not like he's showing this stuff to the public."

"Wanna bet? One time when Jiraiya and I were on a journey in the land of waves, we stop at a local bar to gather information. Nearby, some pretty-yet-creepy bitch was complaining on and on and on…and... on… and-on-and-on about how her boyfriend couldn't satisfy her in bed because he knew very basic sex positions. Her tirade was so loud and crammed with sexual innuendo that mothers from twenty yards away were steering children a further distance away. Then Jiraiya walks over to the girl and rattles off a long list of sexual positions with summarized detail on each one, in disturbingly perfect tempo, with troubleshooting quips if a particular position was not effective. While the barkeep was laughing his ass off, which is totally normal, but the girl was in rapt attention, which is understandable to a degree, while her friend had out a notepad and pen, which was really strange. I was just standing in the background, like a rod was up my ass, with the twitching sensation of my eyebrow preparing for take off and a blush that would make a cherry look pale. In all honesty, it was, and still is, one of the most disturbing moments in my life. Top ten, probably. Right after witnessing Tsunade in a bath with a big rubber duck and seeing Hinataaaa………. Let's leave that last one as a secret, shall we?"

"Yeah, let's. I've seen some strange things too in this village. The worst could have been seeing Shino and Ten-Ten fucking on a festering tree stump or the time when I saw Kakashi open his apartment door, and some woman was tied to the wall by his bed."

"Those are pretty weird. Anything really new? Other than the fact that this village is probably the center for the universe's perversion?"

"First, let's get started with the luggage before Chouji comes with an axe for our heads."

"Right… I call dibs on the big one!"

"It doesn't matter, they're all pretty big. Except for this giant boar that was too big to cut in any of the local slaughterhouses. It's completely impenetrable to all of the rival butchers. The best they could do was skin it, remove the head and hoofs, and remove the intestines. Everything else is still in there, 'cause the bugger has a lot of heavy, juicy muscle marbleized in with the fat, so this is a job for the only butcher who has assassination training, seeing as the extreme stuff is essentially butchery in of itself. Add Chouji's jutsus -which were practically made for this kind of thing- to the mix and he will be the big money-maker in this town. Just you wait until next week; he'll probably have to cut up elephant meat!"

both laugh

"So, as you got from what I told you, we will need to work to bring that sucker in. If you noticed, that's why Chouji almost didn't make it in time to save your ass. The wagon would have been outpaced by a snail! But, seeing as it's in the way back of the meat locker, let's get started with easy ones."

"Why do I have the feeling that this is gonna be a long night?"

"'Cause you have the feeling that you are reeaally slow?"

"Hey!!!"

"Then let's get moving before our old age catches up with us!"

Later…

Naruto and Shikamaru lug the large pieces of meat in, keeping an even pace. Then they seize the solid hunk of pork and proceed to painstakingly carry it with the utmost delicacy to avoid incurring their friend's wrath and even more hard work. Ultimately, Naruto had to use his Kage no Bunshin technique five times to carry it halfway. Then Naruto goes a little nuts, uses his demon chakra to hurl the hunk of pork straight into the atmosphere and quickly relates his daring plan to Shikamaru.

As Naruto holds Shikamaru horizontal, Shika uses his Shadow Possession technique to seize the boar carcass before it can hit the ground and Naruto carries his friend in into Chouji's workspace, much to the confusion of their friend. Then comes the floating piece of meat onto the oak butcher block. It is a spectacular sight to behold! This alone is to Chouji as is likened to Christmas come early to little children. A/N: I know it sounds like Charles Dickens' narrations, but really, this is the way Chouji feels at the moment. Though with no British accent... or bad teeth. He begins his work with utter joy as his two helpful friends watch and discuss various interesting topics.

"Wow, Chouji loves to cut meat"

"That's because he has a strong connection to his food. That's why he was so fat before. The food has many good memories attached to it - - plus of course, his imitation of his father."

thinks with concentration

'What do you make of this, Kyubbi?'

'This young man Chouji is very simple and yet very complex. Think of a rock that changes color yet stays the same hue; it's not necessary to contemplate, but you have the impulse that you just must look into its depths.'

'Well put. Maybe when you are released, you can become the first demon writer. It would be very interesting to hear the thoughts of one so old and deep.'

'You do know that humans still hate demons, right? Plus, this seal is not the sort that has a timer on it. NO ; …this is a seal that is meant to stick.'

'Then I'll do the writing and you provide the words. Nothing will change, much.'

'Your constant toggling between optimism and realism is really a constant cause of confusion on my part. Settle down, dammit, before your poor head explodes.'

inner laughter

'Nah, I doubt that will happen; you have said that I have the "thickest skull of any creature". Maybe your head will explode, seeing as you're always contradicting yourself.

more inner laughter

' I's not funny. It could happen!!'

'You are such a worrywart. I thought you were a demon: the "most powerful form of spirit".'

Growls lightly

'Anyway, I'd better get back to the real world before someone starts checking my pulse!'

"Naruto. Are you okay? You looked a little spacey there. What were you thinking about?"

"Ooooo... The great spymaster is brought to his knees by not knowing the thoughts of his knuckleheaded friend. Oh, what a fiendish turn of events!"

"Shaddap. So, what were you thinking about, hmm?

"Just how Chouji is so fascinating. Y'know, like a rock that changes color, but never changes hue?"

'Hey! Don't steal my metaphors!'

'Hey you're on my insides, so I'm relaying your thoughts to my outsides'

'Sounds disgusting'

'It can be.'

"Do you get what I'm saying?"

"One, yes I do get that, and two, since when are you a philosopher?"

"I don't really understand it myself. It's like there's this person in my head who is more intelligent than I. I just get these thoughts popped into my head."

'Nice cover-up.'

'I thought so.'

"Hmm. Weird."

"I know. Say, speaking of weird, what was that strange bit of info you were trying to tell me about? You didn't tell me what it was yet."

"Alright, alright. See, I was taking my afternoon doze on top of the Konhagkure checkpoint. I was about to drift off into a nice nap when I spot this lone traveler making his way up the road."

"Now, there's nothing new about lone travelers, but this one was different. He was very strange. His outfit was like something out of a science fiction manga! This man dressed like some sort of bandit, though with an eerie twist."

"The guy looked to have a permanent smile on his face, Add to that white make up dominating most of his face, with a red painted diamond around each eye, and red make-up around his lips to accentuate his smile.

"He was carrying a strange sword. It was extremely thin, with a golden hilt and guard, formed into a basket shape. Although he was a good distance away, I could see the red jewels glinting off it."

"That's pretty strange, but I don't know if I'd call it really strange. I mean, this just sounds like a really unique eccentric, and this is taking in Jiraiya's getup."

"You haven't heard the whole story."

"As I was saying, this guy was really strange already. But when he got closer, I had a better view of him, and that's when my impression changed significantly."

"The guy looked to be about thirty, yet he carried himself with an unnaturally smooth and graceful balance. He seemed to be at peace with his surroundings, but he looked to be ready to pull something as well. I checked his aura and it just exploded with the lust, romance, mischief, and, strangely enough, wisdom. I swear this guy had at least ten generations worth of thoughts and ideas and experiences crammed into that head of his."

"If that was not strange enough, when this character finally came to the checkpoint, he just walked through! He does this when there are two guards there, in broad daylight! The strangest part of this encounter was that neither of the guards went to stop him. If anything, they just turned the other way at his approach. I turn around to see this guy, and he's not there. I feel a push from behind; I catch myself, and climb back on. I look for who did it, but again, no one's there! I turn around and I see the fellow speeding off, laughing his head off."

"Now you're starting to scare me."

"Wait, there's more."

"Ah, crap."

"Oh be quiet."

"So then I rush towards the village, thinking some sort of trouble would have started. When I get there, I see that everything is well and good. Then I see the same guy from before."

"He approaches the gate, and then stops. He says a few words to the guard. Of what he said, I don't know, for he spoke too low. The sentry faints. I don't know what strange things he said to the guard, but hopefully they didn't traumatize her."

"I turn around carefully to see where this guy is going. Again, I see no trace of this increasingly annoying character. Then I hear a voice."

"It was the same guy. When he spoke, it was like the very words were coated with honey and oil, for they seemed to glide through the air and stick to your ears. I'm sorry, but that's as close as I can get to describe how he talks."

"He says: "You, there. Shadow boy. Fellow unseen. Do well to hurry to intercept your friend. He will be in a tight spot for five and seventy minutes if you can't make your way to help him carry his load." This guy's words were so obscure I almost missed the meaning. I pretty much ignored his words and didn't turn my back on him until I reached the end of the walkway on the top of the wall, where I tripped, and fell sideways, safely landing on Chouji's wagon."

"I hear his voice off in the distance saying: "That's the way to do it!" This guy has a genuine sense of humor, if a little on the mean side."

"Anyway, Chouji comes out to see what happened and asks me if I'm okay and if I'm in any condition to help. I get off the cart and help, and then he turns it onto the street you were going and then slows down in order to keep from missing you. Next thing I know, you come rushing and duck under the cart. Chouji then goes to scare the mob away from the cart."

"After they are gone, Chouji gets inside to pedal the gears inside to move the cart. It turns out he could only use this function when there is an even surface. "

"Then I get on top of the cart, and once again the clown from before scares the crap out of me and tells me to tell someone about him and that he likes to let his hosts "know when I'm coming". Then he pulls another vanishing act. Whoever he is, he's good, and wants everyone to know."

"Okay, now I'm really scared."

"Ah, don't be. The most lethal thing about him that I could tell would be his talent for popping out to give someone a heart attack."

"Alright, if you say so… I'll get going then. See you tomorrow. "

"Bye."

"Bye, Naruto!"

"Bye."

Outside Naruto's Apartment…

Naruto fumbles with his keys, and then opens the door. He peers in carefully, and then closes the door.

"Hello there, Fox-childe"

To be continued…….Shortly.

So, how was that for a start?

I know that it seems a little weird, over-descriptive, and out of character, but this is just the beginning. This is going to be a potential epic. Also note that this is a fantasy. That part's easy. Now try guessing the other half, and I'll give the lucky bugger the thumbs up in deciding various places, plot twists, and other delicious choices.

Note that I kinda dragged out the details. This is to ensure that tension and suspense are built up. A real easy plot device to pull of; even a caveman can do it! "………………………………………"

crickets

Oh, all right, I guessed Gieco killed that old joke (poor joke, it was rarely heard outside of an insurance commercial).

I will also be holding a contest for people to guess the mystery character. This is sort of like the story of Ruplestiltkin (or whatever that creepy gnome is called), only with less baby stealing and sorcery and gnomes and……………..Am I boring you?

Well, I get to the point. The jackanapes who actually can guess the dude's name gets the chance to chose who shows up, yadda, yadda, yadda, blah.

I'll see you guys again when you've read this damn thing! Review!