I'll Always Be a Monster

There was a time when I was a werewolf

With fangs bigger than a horse's hoof

Everything was normal

Everything was fine

I was a lycanthrope

And peace was mine

But then FlossSwallower bought a DLC

Into a land of snow and castles he sent me

I went to Solitude

And up approached me a dude

An Orc, he told me a tale

Of how an ancient vampire order did epicly fail

But he said they were taking new recruits

As long as they were strong and had a good pair of walking boots

So I went over to Riften,

Where I was leader of the Thieves Guild,

Which meant to be let free of my crimes I was highly billed,

But I didn't mind,

Riften was the most fun town to first find

It held great adventures,

To keep you going till you were in dentures,

But that wasn't the point right now,

So I headed right past,

I found the place easily,

How?

I had a quest marker

I met a young lad,

Who's aim turned out to be quite bad,

And we headed up the road,

He in quite the excited mode

When we reached the castle,

It was none too impressive,

Not too great a place to live

He gave the lad a crossbow,

And me one too,

He sent me on a quest,

Dangerous lands I traversed through

I was settled,

All nice and cozy as a werewolf who was a vampire hunter,

When it was in a deep, dark dungeon

That I met her

She fell out of a tomb,

Her red eyes glowed in the darkness of the room

I could tell she was trouble,

By how she was a vampire who'd been down here since the place was just rubble

So she was a little older than me,

A few millennia or so,

But we were both born far before Edgar Allan Poe

She asked me to take her home,

No, not that way, you sicko,

So we headed to her castle,

Much more impressive than mine,

But it was there that I was asked a question,

To which I could say only 'No' or 'Fine'

I was offered vampirism,

Quick path to immortality,

But heck no,

I wasn't getting caught in a confusing monster species prism,

So I was banished from the land,

I got ultra-banned,

So everything went back to normal,

Of centuries-old vampire ladies I'd had my full,

But then one day,

She returned,

I had to keep the other vampire hunters at bay,

And once again we were companions

One day we were about to go into another dimension,

When I was faced with another decision,

From which I just wanted to run,

She said vampirism was the only way to enter this other realm,

Or I'd have to be weak as a cow-hide helm

So I said 'Sure, fine, soul sister,'

And she said 'Alright, then, groovy mister,'

And she leaned forward and bit me,

My eyes turned red with something more than just glee,

I was quite proud of my eyes,

But the vampire hunters hence hated me,

Said I was the kind to spout lies,

And when on my face lied a great big happy grin,

I had new armor,

Compared to which my old armor looked like tin,

I got it off a Snow Elf,

Who I sliced up with a sword,

But Isran looked more than bored

He was angry, mad, and all around a jerk,

Said he didn't tolerate those who in the shadows would lurk,

I realized then that I'd have to ditch my so-called disease,

To go on with these Dawnguard,

Who I realized were annoying like pesky little bees,

But I couldn't,

I refused,

If I got rid of my disease,

I'd just be a normal human then,

So I didn't need the Dawnguard,

I wasn't the kind who needed to gather up men,

I went to Castle Volikhar,

As filled with rage as a drunk at an empty bar,

I charged up their bridge,

My greatsword pulled out,

And I sang and sang and sang without a doubt,

"I'll always be a monster,

You can call me a werewolf cur,

Or a blood-sucking freak!

But, oh, I'll always be a monster,

Whether I drink blood

Or grow fur!"

When I reached their massive gate,

I realized I was late,

It was locked too tight,

For any mortal's lockpicking might

So with gloom in my crimson eyes,

I headed back to solid ground,

I felt that to this cure,

I was permanently bound

By the Dawnguard I was abused,

They gave their dog armor,

The newbie,

Even the troll,

But I was a monster,

Who didn't have any armor

But through the lands of the Internet,

Did FlossSwallower bravely fight,

He fought off all the stupid answers to questions,

He showed them his bite,

And one day, he finally found that the answer to our question,

Was old Aella, my honeybun

So I went to Windhelm,

To visit my wife,

In a dusty, old, ex-murderers house she and my housecarl did live out their life,

As always she was business-like,

But, hey, at least she didn't insist on having a little Hearthfire tyke,

(Plus she was hot)

So despite the fact that she acted sometimes like a robot,

We talked and she told me she could keep me a beast,

To say I jumped up and down with joy is to say the least

So my eyes turned pure white again,

And once again,

I looked like Zeus if Zeus was possessed,

But of sorts, I was best,

As I headed back to Isran,

Where he said, "Hey, mon,

You're an alright guy,"

So he held a mighty speech,

Of how they would fight and fight,

And Harkon they would reach

I arrived there a bit fast,

Through fast-travel,

But we kept our promise,

And saved Harkon for last,

The Dawnguard ditched us,

But I didn't put up a big fuss,

I slayed Harkon easy,

And when it was all over,

Who approached me but her,

And there I saw it,

A wonderful, beautiful speech option,

To give me hours of great fun,

So I spoke,

"Hey, groovy soul sister, lay down some of them vampire jives,"

I knew me and her would live out great vampire lives,

So she said,

"Funkaliscious, groove brother, dig some of these funky beats,"

And once again,

I was what I once was then,

My eyes turned crimson,

The glee inside me was a ton,

And I puffed out my chest,

And stood up high,

And looking my best,

I sang out,

"I'll always be a monster,

You can call me a werewolf cur,

Or a bloodsucking freak!

But, oh, I'll always be a monster,

Whether I drink blood or grow fur!"