Chapter 1

JJ

"Something else, ma'am?"

No reply.

The woman behind the counter looks at you inquiringly, but it's the slight impatience in her tone that brings you back to the present. You thoughts were everywhere but on your grocery shopping.

"Huh? Sorry..." You mumble and tug a few strands of blonde hair behind your left ear. "No thanks." You add, take the bag she hands over to you and walk out of the store. You're late and you'll have to hurry if you want to get everything done before they arrive. At one time, you wouldn't have minded if they'd just dropped in sometime and you would just have waited until the food was ready. Or even cooked together.

But that was before.

That was when they still were your family before you decided that you wanted one of your own with Will, that charismatic detective who'd been so passionate and unrelenting in his pursuit for you. Now, you're still somewhat family but you also are a stranger, someone who no longer shares their everyday life. And as such, you feel obliged to have dinner ready and the house cleaned up as soon as they arrive.

You're not sure how you feel about all of this. Of course, you're looking forward to seeing everyone, because you're missing them dearly. But you're also scared. Scared that it might be awkward, scared that this evening will only prove to you that everyone has moved on, that they're getting on just fine without you. While you're still thinking about them every single day and sometimes, when Henry is asleep and the house is all quiet in the late afternoon sun, you find yourself longing for the buzz of cameras, the scuffle of reports scribbling on their notebooks. You find yourself missing the balance act of answering their questions with just the right mix of cool detachment and joviality.

You know you're so in for tinnitus one day, from the way you're turning the volume on your i-pod on maximum in those hours, just to drive that silence away. You hate silence. Silence makes you think. And somehow, somewhere along the way, thinking in general has come to equal thinking of her. Which you know is a bad thing. Because thinking of her makes you feel trapped in your own home and guilty. Guilty, because your first thought in the silence of the early morning and your last thought in the silence of the night isn't of your husband. It's of her. Of Emily.

You know all of this and still you can't stop thinking about her. Which is why you try not to think at all.

You tell yourself that you've waited long enough for her to make her move, that she had her chance. You're sure she was getting the signals you were sending. In your opinion, the only thing that would've been more obvious than all those glances, smiles and touches would've been to stride right across the bullpen and kiss her straight on the mouth. You've waited for months for her to take that final step and turn that flirt you had going on into something more. Something serious. You waited and waited. And waited. Nothing happened. And you got frustrated and insecure. Maybe you had read her signals wrong and she was just enjoying a casual flirt.

And then he came along. Straight-forward, determined and charming. He made it obvious that he wanted you and he was convinced that if only you let him try, he could make you want him too. And you decided that for once in your life, you wanted simple. To just go with the flow and see where it would lead you.

So now, here you are. Everything has been simple enough – the first date, the first kiss, his proposal, your wedding. And truth is: Simple is boring. But you won't let yourself think that. You won't let yourself acknowledge that just because things are simple doesn't have to mean that they're right as well. You won't yourself go down that lane, because the picture in your head, the picture of dark eyes and hair the colour of bitter chocolate comes closer and closer every time you do.

Dismissively you shake your head, your hair flying in a circle of gold in front of your eyes. This is pointless. You've got a four course dinner to prepare for seven people and a baby to get to sleep before your guests arrive. No, you really don't have time for what-ifs and could-haves. Right. And your hands aren't shaking at all as unlock your front door and think of seeing Emily again.