A/N: Aaaah, another fic that flowed for the most part as I wrote it. It's been so long since I wrote this comfortably, I'm really happy. :3 I'm also glad to finally give you an EnKaze fic, seeing as I like the pairing but never had ideas for them until now. Ignore any mistakes, please; it's midnight over here but I wanted to put this up before going to bed. Enjoy!
"Tomorrow at 3 pm, okay?"
"Okay, I'll be waiting!"
That was the date Endou and Kazemaru had set over the phone. In spite of that, Kazemaru arrived at the riverbank almost 20 minutes early. He couldn't help it – he hadn't seen Endou in a while, and as was traditional at each of their encounters, he automatically cheered up as soon as he beamed that silly grin of his. On top of that, Endou sounded rather excited about the thing he wanted to tell him, which was obviously too important to randomly mention on the phone. Kazemaru wondered what it could be. As far as he knew, there was nothing particularly exciting going on in their lives right now. Endou had his job, he was still in school. They both went out with friends and played soccer in their spare time.
Of course, there was that one other little thing that had remained with Kazemaru all these years: his secret feelings for his best friend. Endou rebuilt their friendship by inviting him to join the soccer club, and from that moment on, his heart stirred a little more each day. Sadly, his crush did more harm than it did good. Because of his pessimistic attitude, Kazemaru more than once led himself to believe he wasn't good enough; not only for Endou, but for the entire Raimon team. He lost faith in his abilities as they faced more and more powerful opponents, up until he willingly left the team. But even when he ultimately became captain of Dark Emperors, which really had been nothing more than his inferiority complex taking over, Endou showed how much he believed in him and managed to heal him. Kazemaru's insecurity didn't immediately fade after that, but at least he'd make sure never to make the same mistake again, and to wisely treasure every moment he was privileged enough to spend with Endou Mamoru.
This was just another one of those moments. Kazemaru sat in the grass, at the exact same spot he and Endou had once discussed Kazemaru's conflicted feelings about joining the soccer club and leaving the athletics club. Kazemaru felt guilty about ditching Miyasaka and the others at the time, but now, he was more sure than ever he'd made the right decision. He'd been through so many wonderful things after all, all thanks to his new captain. He honestly couldn't thank him enough – he didn't even know how to put his gratitude into words to begin with. In a way, Endou had made him a better person, boosting his skills as well as his self-confidence.
He'd never really felt the urge to tell the brunet what he truly felt for him, mostly because Endou was so clearly in love with soccer that Kazemaru sometimes wondered if he was even capable of expressing the same sentiment for a human being. But aside from that, he felt like his feelings provided some kind of… support. They kept him from falling back into that horrid depression that had nearly destroyed his and Endou's friendship at one point. Confessing them might bring relief on one hand, but on the other, they had a decent chance of eating him up on the inside the moment Endou rejected him. And thus, Kazemaru decided he'd keep them bottled up inside… at times questioning if he'd have to carry them forever. After all, he'd carried them for eight long years now.
"Kazemaru!"
Kazemaru was so lost in thought that he needed to shake his head before Endou's voice really got to him. He turned his head and saw his friend run for him, waving a hand in the air. Kazemaru smiled and got up, expecting to see a soccer ball in his other hand. He was surprised to find there wasn't one. Endou usually never missed the opportunity to kick the ball around when he met up with friends, even if it was just one. The absence of the ball caused alarm bells to ring inside Kazemaru's head. Whatever Endou had to say to him had to be really out of the ordinary.
"You're early," Endou commented while the two clasped their hands together.
"So are you," Kazemaru grinned. "It's good to see you again, Endou. How've you been?"
"Ah, well…" Endou's smile promptly weakened and Kazemaru was once again alert. It seemed he wanted to get the unnamed issue off his chest as fast as he could. But then, his cheery expression recovered and he patted Kazemaru on the shoulder. "I've been fine. Hey, you wanna grab something to eat at Rairaiken? I could do with a little snack."
"A-ah… sure," Kazemaru responded awkwardly, not exactly knowing what to think of the sudden suggestion. He wasn't used to Endou beating around the bush; he usually tackled problems head-on, not one to mope around about them – unlike himself. Keeping those thoughts to himself, though, he dashed after his ex-captain as Endou seemed in a particular hurry to reach Tobitaka's restaurant.
"Thank you, Tobitaka!" Endou chirped when Tobitaka returned with their orders. He gave them a calm smile before he tended to another customer.
"Tobitaka sure is busy, huh," Kazemaru commented, grabbing his bowl of ramen. Endou was already slurping from his.
"Well, he told me the other day he made up a new recipe," he answered in between chews. "And it really caught on, so now everybody wants to try it."
"There's sauce all over your chin, Endou…" Kazemaru sighed. He grabbed a napkin and carefully wiped it off. It wasn't the first time he had to do this; Endou was never a careful eater (or a modest one), and even now that he was an adult, his child-like side was still very much present.
"You haven't changed a bit…" he smiled, and Endou smiled back after swallowing a mouthful of ramen.
"You're right. We've eaten here countless times, haven't we? It's like a real tradition by now," he laughed.
Kazemaru simply smiled in agreement. Eating with Endou at Rairaiken was just one of the many pleasant memories he harboured, and one of the few that actually traced back to a time prior to Kazemaru joining the soccer club. They were friends before that, after all, but they only really connected through their mutual passion for the sport.
Surprisingly, Endou seemed to have a similar thing in mind. He suddenly stopped eating and gazed absentmindedly into his bowl, as if recalling a certain memory. "I remember how we met…" he muttered in a silent tone. "It was only a year before we'd both attend Raimon. I was playing soccer outside, and…"
"… and you hit me on the head as I jogged by," Kazemaru grinned. As if he could ever forget. Endou apologized to him countless times and even stayed by his side to make sure he didn't have a concussion or something. Luckily, the damage was of a light kind, and Kazemaru forgave him by the time he uttered his thirtieth 'sorry'.
"My aim wasn't really good back then," Endou scratched his cheek apologetically. "I strived to be a goalkeeper, after all."
Kazemaru nodded. He remembered every single detail about that afternoon. The two parted ways after the accident, but as Endou continued to practice and Kazemaru continued to jog at the exact same place, it didn't take long before they struck up a second conversation and the two formed a bond.
"When you think about it, we've been connected through soccer from the start," Endou pointed out. Kazemaru looked up at the same bright grin he was used to. But something about it was… different this time. Even Endou's remark sounded less joyous than it was supposed to be, as if he wasn't happy about meeting him at all. That wasn't true, of course. But still, Kazemaru sensed there was a reason Endou brought up the subject, rather than just wanting to make small talk. Did it have to do with the thing he apparently had trouble telling him? But why did it even give him trouble, he sounded so eager yesterday. Something about Endou was off, and Kazemaru had to know what.
He opened his mouth to voice his curiosity, but Endou was too quick and called Tobitaka over for seconds. With that, the subject of their first encounter was dropped, and Kazemaru decided to leave the issue be until their stomachs were full.
"Maaan, that was good!" Endou stretched his arms once they were back outside. "That Tobitaka sure knows how to cook."
"Ask him for his recipe if you're so curious," Kazemaru suggested, and he regretted his words as soon as Endou lowered his arms and lost every sign of the enthusiasm he expressed a second ago. He swayed from one emotion to the other with surprising ease today – even though Kazemaru had no idea what it was about his suggestion that caused him to change. He knew Endou wasn't a good cook, but… that was never a reason to look so gloomy before.
"… yeah, I could do that," Endou eventually answered, and he immediately switched the topic after that: "Hey, your house isn't far from here, right? Mind picking up your soccer ball, I feel like playing a bit."
Again with a sporadic idea. "S-sure, that's fine," Kazemaru answered. Then he couldn't help but ask: "Why didn't you bring your own ball?"
He seemed to have hit the nail on the head. Endou slowly turned his head to the side and responded: "I… didn't think about it."
Kazemaru gaped at him. The number one soccer idiot of Japan didn't think about bringing a soccer ball with him, even though he usually brought one even to places where it wasn't appropriate? What was the matter with him today? The question was burning at the tip of Kazemaru's tongue, but he forced himself to swallow it until Endou felt like opening up about his problem himself. He didn't want to see that anguished expression again.
And thus, Kazemaru smiled a mild "That's fine," and guided his friend to his place.
Once they were in possession of a soccer ball, the pair returned to the riverbank to play on the field. They started out with simple passes, but Endou wanted to test Kazemaru's shooting skills soon enough. Kazemaru didn't mind; he always enjoyed playing soccer with his best friend to his heart's content. It brought him back to the roots of their friendship, everything they'd shared on their path to becoming part of the world's best soccer team. He usually forgot about all his worries as he kicked the ball at the goal with all its might. Even though Endou usually blocked his shoots, all it did was inspire him to try better next time. That's what Endou had always done: teach him to learn from his mistakes and to move forward.
Except today wasn't like that at all. Endou had seemed so confident about stopping Kazemaru's shoots before, but enough went through to make people question if he was an actual goalkeeper. Kazemaru noticed that too, but Endou avoided him when he asked if he was out of shape. Instead, he told him to shoot once more, claiming he'd stop it this time – and not staying true to his word.
It was only when the sun started to set that Endou announced they'd played enough for today. They flopped down on the grass and leaned back on their hands, panting until they their resumed a regular pace. They'd sure spent more time on soccer than Kazemaru anticipated; he was sweating from head to toe. He wasn't wearing the right clothes for this, but then again, neither was Endou.
He glanced over at him and, to his concern, found that gloomy expression had made its way back on his face. Endou folded up his knees and held them in his arms, chin leaning on top. He looked out over the red river, the same way he'd gazed at his ramen. Whatever their playing had distracted him from was back, and Kazemaru decided it was time to address it. It wouldn't be long before they'd have to part ways and go back to their busy lives.
"Endou…" he started, but Endou interrupted without making eye contact. "Kazemaru… Thank you for today."
Kazemaru looked confused. Endou usually never thanked him for spending time with him. After all, it was only normal, right? It wasn't something… that was about to change, right? A lump clogged up Kazemaru's throat as that possibility increased his worries twofold. "Endou, why are you—"
"You know…" Endou started, and he mustered a forced smile as he glanced up at his friend. "… I'm going to marry Natsumi."
… and then time froze. Everything around them stopped. Kazemaru's hearing vanished, as well as his sight: everything around Endou disappeared, and even his friend faded into a blur for a moment. He couldn't speak, he couldn't think clearly. He… just… what? What was it that Endou just told him so casually, as if he predicted it was going to rain tomorrow? He… he was going to marry someone…? And… Natsumi of all people? What was this all of a sudden? Did he faint from fatigue and was he having a nightmare right now, or did he somehow get teleported to another universe?
… no. No, he didn't. All of this was true. It was reality. He could tell by the way Endou's face became more and more pained with each passing second. He was probably waiting for a reaction, but Kazemaru couldn't muster a single word. He was awestruck. No, worse than that: he was horrified. Horrified that losing Endou, losing the precious time he so gratefully spent with him, was now an official fact. The lump had been a foreshadowing that didn't ease his pain in the slightest. In fact, Kazemaru really did feel like he was going to pass out. This couldn't be true, it just—it couldn't! This was impossible!
"I… I'm sorry… what did you say…?" It took him several seconds after uttering those words to realize that this was his own voice. He didn't mean to say them; they just slipped out by themselves.
"You heard right," Endou answered, adding salt to the wound. "I'm going to marry Natsumi."
"Wh…" 'When?' was what Kazemaru was trying to ask, but Endou appeared to read his mind and replied before he could finish: "Next month. We're already living together, now we just have to make it official."
He… they… what? How? How could he say those words as if the news hadn't dropped a damn bomb on Kazemaru at all? As if it wasn't the big deal that it was? As if it was, was—normal?
"I… I'm sorry, my head started to hurt," Kazemaru stammered, and he lowered his gaze so he wouldn't have to look at Endou anymore. He didn't know what kind of response he was supposed to expect, but he certainly didn't see it coming that Endou said: "Don't worry, mine's hurting too. Slightly."
Kazemaru immediately stared up at him again. Endou went back to looking at the water. His smile was gone, but his eyes looked just as hurt as before. Kazemaru didn't understand. People were usually… happy when they announced their marriage, weren't they? Could it be… that Endou waved it off as something trivial so as to lighten a burden?
Again aware what he was thinking, Endou spoke up: "It's more of an arranged marriage, really. Natsumi… Well, she really likes me. I like her too, of course. But it isn't, well… it's not love. I never felt that way about her. But… I recently lost my job." He was audibly ashamed to admit this. "My mom's got my hands full on my dad, since he had that stroke a month ago… And, well, it's not like I can go anywhere else."
"You can!" Kazemaru blurted out, again too fast for his brain to keep up. "You can—you could've stayed at my place! Not having a job isn't a reason to marry someone, especially someone you don't love! Endou, think about what you're saying! There has to be another way to fix this, you can—"
"I'm afraid nothing can be changed at this point," Endou smiled sadly. "Everything's been settled for next month. And besides, Natsumi is the only one who'd take me in without feeling burdened."
"I wouldn't feel burdened!" Kazemaru was screaming by now. Luckily, there was no one nearby. And even if there was, he wouldn't have cared. "Endou, how can you think you'd ever put a burden on me? We—we're friends, aren't we? Why didn't you tell me any of this? You know I would've helped you!"
"Helped me how? Your apartment is only suited for one person. I'd take up your space and force you to cook for two," Endou pointed out. "Besides, you're in the middle of exams, aren't you?" He looked away again when he said the next part, not giving Kazemaru the chance to interfere. "Natsumi doesn't mind sharing her wealth with me. She seems happy as long as I stay with her. Of course, her money doesn't interest me at all. But thanks to her, I'll be able to stay out of debt until I find a new job."
"And then what will you do?" Kazemaru stammered. "You—you'll just divorce her after that?"
"Of course not," Endou answered. "I'll stay with her. That's what I've decided. To have a safe and stable life with her."
"But—but, Endou—" Kazemaru still had an extremely tough time swallowing all of this. Of all things he could've imagined weighing on Endou's heart, this wasn't it. "Will you be happy…?"
Endou regained eye contact with him, apparently surprised he was thinking of his happiness. He smiled again, still a sad one, but he seemed to express a little gratitude now. "Thank you for worrying about me, Kazemaru. I'll be alright. I'm sure that, one way or another… I'll be alright."
That was a lie. None of that was true. Even if everything else Endou said was the dreadful truth, Kazemaru couldn't believe he'd be happy living with a woman he had no feelings for whatsoever. He guessed Natsumi was aware of this and would thus refrain from forcing her feelings on him, but… the life Endou was facing would ultimately suffocate him. That's what he was sure of.
"E-Endou…" he started, but Endou was once again ahead of him. "I'm sure you understand now why I thanked you for today. We… obviously won't have that many chances to meet up again after this."
Kazemaru knew, even if those words stabbed him in the heart. They were busy as it was, and now that Endou had to forcibly turned his life around, they'd see each other even less. He could barely stand the thought.
"I asked to meet up with you today not only to tell you the news," Endou continued. "I also wanted to do the things we used to do as kids. Play soccer and eat good food together… Having heartfelt talks was a bonus." He flashed another weak smile, and Kazemaru had to admit that third thing was probably also a consistent aspect of their everyday life.
"I just wanted to feel the way that I used to feel." Endou's voice went down, but Kazemaru could still hear him. "Having so much fun with you, Kazemaru… Becoming friends and teammates with you… I never told you how important that was to me. To have you near me."
Untimely as it was, Kazemaru felt a slight blush come up. Endou's words were starting to resemble the ones he'd never dared to speak.
"Repeating the good old days with you is what makes me happiest," Endou admitted. "You're right, it will be difficult to adjust to my new life… I can't say I'm excited about it… So I decided I wanted to forget about it and go back to my roots, just for one day. I wanted to express my true feelings to you… just this one day."
Kazemaru flinched when the brunet sat up and slowly leaned into his personal space. Endou brought his face close enough to make his intention clear, and in that moment, putting his brain on standby and allowing himself to finally succumb to his desire, Kazemaru mimicked the gesture. The way he'd imagined the touch of Endou's lips matched reality to a T. They were soft, warm, and sweet. They were perfect, just like the rest of him. Finally sharing something with him he'd wanted to share for years, Kazemaru couldn't keep his feelings from taking over and deepening the kiss just a little bit. He wanted more, but held back so as not to make Endou uncomfortable. Even though he was the one who initiated the kiss…
When he opened his eyes and looked straight into Endou's, he finally saw a genuine smile on his face. Not sad or forced or predicting some horrible, life-changing event. No, what they'd just done was far from that. It was all Kazemaru had ever dreamed of.
"Seems you completely understand what I mean," Endou said out of nowhere, once again startling his friend. He then lifted his head towards the sky. "Well, that definitely saves me from the possibility of rejection. I was so anxious, you have no idea!"
Yes. Yes, he did. Kazemaru may not have been planning to confess his feelings to Endou, but that didn't mean he didn't understand what it meant to be rejected. The entire concept of rejection, however… was far from present in their situation. It only now occurred to Kazemaru that Endou, for God knows how long, had viewed him the same way he did him. Natsumi or some other girl wasn't the object of his affection… Kazemaru was. Another newsflash that hit him like a blow to his chest, but whereas the first one caused his heart to crumble, this one not only patched it up, but made it flutter. His entire body felt light, as though it was released from a heavy burden. It probably was: by returning the kiss, Kazemaru had made his feelings clear. Finally, after so many years, they were out.
"Well, it's about time to go back."
Those words were like a hammer that smashed the glass orb containing his dream to pieces. Instantly losing his train of thought, Kazemaru stared at his friend in disbelief. "W-what? Go back…?"
"Well, I've been out longer than I told her I'd be," Endou admitted, and Kazemaru noticed he avoided the use of Natsumi's name. "And I've said everything I wanted to say, so… I should go home so she won't be worried."
"W-wait," Kazemaru stammered. This all went too fast. It was almost like the kiss never happened. "Y-you intend to leave? Just like that? Even though we just—kissed?" Just saying those words out loud spread a humongous blush across his face, and he quickly looked at his lap.
Endou chuckled a little. "Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to give you that impression. To be honest, you couldn't have made my evening better, Kazemaru. I said that repeating the good old days with you made me happiest but… I have to admit, kissing you made me just a little happier."
Kazemaru managed a small smile at those words, but it disappeared the moment Endou got up on his feet. He jumped up himself and clasped onto his hand without really thinking through what he was doing. "W-wait. Don't go. I mean—Call her. Call her and say you're staying at my place. Just for tonight, just—please. Don't leave yet. Please, Endou." He was just blabbing his raw thoughts at this point. Anything that could get Endou to stay with him longer. He couldn't bear the thought of watching him walk away, back to his artificial love life. His love was real, and he wanted more than five minutes to show it.
Endou seemed surprised at the suggestion and kept quiet for a moment. But then he grinned and fished his phone from his pocket. "Alright. One night shouldn't hurt. Excuse me for a moment."
Kazemaru silently watched as he called his future wife. Just thinking those two words combined with 'Endou' sounded abnormal. The way he talked to Natsumi wasn't any different from their conversations in the past, which confirmed everything he said before. Their marriage would be nothing short of fake, at least on his side.
A minute later, Endou hung up. "She's fine with it," he informed Kazemaru. "She expects me to be back by tomorrow. Until then, I'm all yours."
Kazemaru's face brightened up. His eyes started to twinkle. One night wasn't much, but now that he could freely express his adoration for the other male, he was determined to make the most of it. Little did he know that the future wasn't all as bad as he thought it would be. The two of them would meet at every occasion, distracting themselves – but especially Endou – from their heavy lives. Their meetings would become an escape for the goalkeeper, the light of his life that allowed him to be truly happy every once in a while. He'd fall deeper and deeper in love with Kazemaru, and Kazemaru would eventually encourage him to end the marriage and move in with him. By that time, a few years would have passed.
Still far off from any of those events, though, the couple settled for a single night for now, and they walked away from the riverbank as the first starts began to flicker above them.