My first Pertunia introspective. If you find it feels a bit awkward...you're not the only one.
Moment of Memories
Petunia remembers her sister.
Lily had been 13 months when she had said her first word. "Maa. Maaaa." The young toddler had said, slowly and innocent as she blinked up from her place in the cradle one Friday morning after being fed. Petunia remembers her mother's shocked face and her father's joyful laugh as they stared down at their second child.
Petunia had stared through the wooden bars at her sister and tilted her head. The older child had stuck her hand in through the pegs towards her sister, and the small baby Lily had grabbed hold of one finger and wrapped her tiny fingers around it. The feeling of contentment at that gesture had toddler Petunia smiling rather than the miracle of her sister speaking her first word.
Lily had been 18 months when she had took her shaking steps. Their parents had been standing the small baby on her feet for days, trying to encourage the younger child into taking her steps. Father behind, holding her while their Mother made encouraging motions in front. It had been going on for about two weeks and child Petunia had given up on her sister taking her first steps anytime soon and had been feeling quite neglected by her parents.
Petunia had been given temper tantrums all week to get attention but they hadn't really worked as her parents had started ignoring her for the consistencies. She had been crying one day off in the corner of their living room after a failed attempt at getting attention when baby Lily had crawled by the entranceway and stop at the sound of sniffling. Petunia had looked up to see the baby staring at her with a tilted head and a curious expression.
Suddenly baby Lily had smiled and then slowly, but exactly, had pushed herself up onto her two legs. Petunia had stared disbelievingly as the baby stared down at her own shaking legs. Then on wobbly knees and trembling shins, the baby had looked up at her older sister, smiled brilliantly, reached her arms outward towards her older sister like she wanted to be picked up – and stepped towards her.
Petunia had gasped and the baby had only made two steps before she had fallen down and her eyes watering up as if to cry, but it was there.
Lily had taken her first steps. And it wasn't towards their father who often tempted her with toys, or towards their mother who lavished attention on her – but instead towards her, big sister Petunia.
That meant everything.
For the next few years little Lily had spent most of her time trotting after her sister, following Petunia around like there was nowhere else she would rather be. Even when Petunia was nasty and mean after having stomped off after a temper tantrum, little Lily had followed her everywhere.
Petunia knew even then her parents preferred her little sister. Not that they loved Lily more but that they preferred her. Lily was cute, pretty, energetic, fun, patient and quietly intelligent for her age. Petunia was loud, yelled, had a temper and always wanted more attention.
And consequently, her parents soon got used to her tantrums and started ignoring them. Child Petunia was hurt and felt very overlooked and often when she did get attention, it was the negative kind.
She promised herself when she had a child, he or she would never lack for positive attention. She never wanted her child to be lonely.
Child Petunia believed her parents resented her deep down and soon became even more moody. Her mother and father hadn't known what to do with their firstborn and soon focused their attentions to their younger child, possibly making the situation worse.
To the Child Petunia that action proved her beliefs and she had felt very forlorn and lonely, but Lily still followed her around.
Little Lily who wouldn't run from her no matter how much she yelled and screamed, who would always come back even after they had a fight and apologize even if it was the big sister's fault. Little Lily who followed Petunia around and let her big sister know that she loved her no matter what.
And it continued this way for years. The parents unable to communicate with their older child and their first daughter believing they didn't really love her and Lily always there to prove that at least one member of the family loved lonely Petunia.
Then the letter came.
Then the magic came.
Then Lily went away.
Lily went away andliked it.
Then came the years of awkward conversations over the dinner table with only her parents and no younger sibling. Then came the days of tension filled silences and fumbling actions that made the situation worse and worse. Then came the years where resentment grew and festered in the lonely room upstairs where the older sister had two beds but only one was used for the better 3 quarters of the year.
And because the home situation got so bad and awkward when Lily was away, when the young girl came home every time on vacation, there was always such festivities and cheer that it brought the uncomfortable days when she was gone even more starkly clear.
And Lily would always come home and talk about magic.
And Lily would come home and talk about her new friends.
And Lily would come back and rant and rave about James Potter.
And Lily would come home, come home, come home, until Petunia didn't know her anymore and Lily didn't know Petunia anymore.
And when Lily came home, there was awkward silences and gestures and Lily said one thing and Petunia said another and then it escalated until there was spite and hate - and two teenage girls who didn't understand orknow each other anymore.
Until it wasn't the bond of love that tied them together but the bond of blood.
But Petunia never hated her younger sister. Petunia hated magic because it was that which took Lily way from her.
It was magic that came between the two of them.
Petunia hadn't cared that her parent didn't understand her as long as she had Lily. As long as Lily loved her, despite everyone else.
But that changed.
Because of Magic - the thing only Lily had and Petunia couldn't share with her.
Because of Hogwarts - where Lily left for and Petunia couldn't follow.
Because of James Potter - whom Lily hated but then grew to love, and yet she still couldn't love her own sister again.
Petunia hated Magic and Hogwarts and James Potter for taking Lily away from her.
She hated the fiery red haired woman with the fierce green eyes and hands always twitching for the wand in her pocket every time she was startled. She hated the girl with the stubborn chin and piercing emerald gaze and face full of fear whenever someone managed to sneak up behind her.
She hated the proud, striking, blazing Lily whom she had no part in making and being part of.
But one day when her husband picks up a child left of their doorstep, with only a blanket, a letter, and a scar to his name – Petunia remembers.
She reads the letter and the words Lily, magic, and blood jump from the paper. But she doesn't take him in for that.
Petunia remembers a shy, cheerful, open and free toddler who turned into a delighted laughing child who had loved her. Who she had loved.
When she looks down at the bundle in Vernon's arms, she remembers toddler Lily's first step and Child Lily's favorite past time and Elementary Lily's favorite person.
For that and those blurry green eyes before they turn a hard emerald, she takes him in. She raises the child not for Dumbledore's threat and pleas, not for the safety of the Wizarding World, not for the sake of the boy himself, not for Lily Evans, and definitely not for Lily Potter.
But she raises him for the time when Lily had just been Lily. And she raises him for the days when two sisters were tied together by the bonds of love, instead of the bonds of blood like the only ones that now tie her to the boy.
. : end : .