First things first: Since FF doesn't have a tagging system like AO3 does, the tags are as follows and will be updated as I get to them. If I miss one, please let me know so I can add it to the list.
Tags:
Angst, sad!sam, one-sided feelings, self-harm, mental health issues, implied sexual abuse, implied torture, suicide attempt
When Sam first realized he had a crush on the Trickster, he was determined to fight it. How could he be attracted to the man who had killed dozens of people, mentally scarred countless others, and had tried to drive him and his brother crazy?
But this was the same man who made him laugh so effortlessly, who - it seemed - actually had a legitimate reason for his dealings.
Color Sam confused. Still, he couldn't help the attraction from growing - or the lust, blooming low in his belly - every time he saw the archangel. While the shorter man had indeed caused them - mostly Sam - a lot of grief over the past few years, he had come through for them in the end, giving them enough time to escape from Lucifer. His sacrifice had prompted the ever-absent God to bring him back much like he had Castiel.
Which leads to Sam's current problem. Every night, they found a new motel to sleep in. And every night, Gabriel would pop in and act like he belonged there. The worst part was that he actually kind of did.
He fit in with their ragtag bunch of heroes like he was the missing piece they hadn't known they needed. He kept Cas from making too many blunders around humans. He kept Dean occupied with sass and sarcasm to rival the older hunter. And he knew more about the monster of the week than any book they could hope to look through.
But Sam still tried to stay aloof. He knew that if he let things get out of hand, it would only end badly. His track record was enough of a reason to stay single and celibate. Gabriel didn't make it easy on him, though. It was like he deliberately engaged the taller hunter when he knew the other man was trying to keep his distance. But still, Sam hung on to the threads of his willpower. Even if he couldn't stop what he was feeling, he could at lease keep everyone from finding out.
He didn't count on Castiel's observance.
The day started out like any other, except that Gabriel had decided to spend the day with them instead of just showing up once they had settled in for the night. They were sitting in a diner and waiting for their food. Cas, customarily sitting beside Dean, studied his brother and the hunter. Sam was laughing at a joke Gabriel had told while the archangel smirked. As was his way, he said whatever came to mind. He did not expect it to cause the problems it eventually would.
"You are in love with my brother."
Sam's laughter stopped abruptly. His face lost its color, but he tried to play it off. "What? No. Why would you think that, Cas?"
Gabriel said nothing.
Castiel tilted his head. "Your soul shines brightest when he is near you."
Dean, noticing the tension growing in Sam's form, tried to divert Cas' attention from his brother. "Oh yeah? What about me?"
Fixing his unwavering stare at Dean, Cas nodded slowly. "It seems your soul responds to my grace in much the same way."
Finally, Gabriel spoke. "Yeah, well, who didn't know that Dean-o here is in love with you?"
Sam looked down at his hands on the table, mentally willing a hole to open up underneath him and swallow him. He said nothing for the rest of the time they were in the diner, but tried to play off his unease with nonchalance. He knew he wasn't being very convincing.
When they returned to the car, Gabriel made an excuse and left before they could get back on the road. Sam simply entered the car and waited for them to leave. For the next few hours, he ignored Dean's attempts at conversation. He stared through the windshield and let himself drift into a haze.
When they finally pulled into a motel for the night, he took a shower and immediately went to bed in hopes of avoiding Gabriel. He wasn't ashamed, per se, of how he felt, but he didn't want to make things awkward.
Too bad that Gabriel wasn't willing to let it go. The next morning, he was sitting on Sam's bed, staring at the hunter when he woke up.
"Dude, that is totally creepy. Stop it," Sam said as he pushed his hair out of his face.
Gabriel simply watched as Sam pushed back the covers and stood, running his hands over his face to wake himself up. He waited for Sam to dress, to take care of his morning ritual in the bathroom. As Sam was sitting on the edge of the bed to lace up his boots, Gabriel finally spoke.
"You're in love with me."
Sam froze for half a second, then carried on with his boots. "What does it matter?"
"You do know that I don't sleep with mortals, right?"
"Not like I was planning on ever actually saying anything about it, Gabriel."
The angel snorted. "And why not? Because this fabulousness is no match for your unworthy human self?"
Sam felt a bolt of pain at Gabriel's words. "Something like that," he muttered. Boots finally laced, Sam stood and headed for the door. "I'm going to find some food."
He was gone before Gabriel could reply.
###########
An hour later, Sam was sitting in a booth at a diner he had found on the other side of town from the motel. He had barely eaten any of his breakfast, too occupied with Gabriel's remark from earlier. While the hunter knew that he didn't mean it quite like it had sounded, Sam still felt the ring of truth to the words.
What did he - the abomination, the boy with demon blood - think would happen between himself and an angel? And not just an angel, a freaking archangel. The highest on the totem pole. Sam felt like an idiot. Regardless of the fact that he had never intended to act on his burgeoning feelings, it still stung to know that his affections were not only one-sided, but also spurned.
Before he could stew in his depressed thoughts for too long, Dean and Cas walked into the diner. The cautious way they approached him spoke volumes of what he must look like. Sitting up a little straighter, Sam made the effort to school his features into something a little less morose. When the two sat down, Sam automatically nudged his plate at Dean. For once, the older hunter made no move to eat.
The angel stared woefully at Sam. "I apologize, Sam. I did not realize that my words would garner such a poor reaction. I am still working on my 'people skills'."
Sam snorted as the angel made air quotes. "It's okay, Cas. Just, do me a favor and let's just drop it."
Dean gave Sam a sharp look, one that practically screamed at Sam that Dean knew he was hiding something. Forcing an air of nonchalance, Sam asked if there were any leads for a new case. After a moment of silence, the hunter sighed and started in on their newest lead. When he had spouted the details, Sam clapped his hands together and said, "Okay, well great. I'll go get on research before we head out. I'll be at the library."
Castiel watched Dean watch Sam as the younger brother left the diner. "You are worried about Sam."
Dean ran a hand down his face. "Yeah, I'm worried. He's not like me, Cas. He feels things a lot deeper, more personal. This crap with Gabriel is messing him up."
"He seems to be doing fine, Dean," the angel said after a moment.
The hunter laughed humorlessly. "I know my baby brother, Cas. That ain't fine. Let's just go. Sooner we can get outta here, the sooner we can distract him with the case."
###########
If Sam expected Gabriel to be gone when he stopped by the motel for his laptop, he was very wrong. The archangel was sprawled out on Sam's bed, absently taking bites of a candy bar while watching -
"Dude. On my bed? Really?"
The angel smirked. "What? It's the only action it's gonna see. And I'm not even naked."
Sam groaned and hurried to collect his things so he could get away from porn-watching angels. That had to be blasphemous, right?
Gabriel helpfully chimed in. "No more blasphemous than when you jacked off two days ago in the shower. Nice imagery, by the way. Very realistic. How did you know I was so flexible?"
Sam felt the blood drain from his face as he resolutely fixed his attention on his things and away from the smirking angel on his bed. With his hand down his pants.
Gabriel snorted. "Did Sammy forget that the big, bad archangel can read thoughts?"
Without replying, Sam tugged the strap to his laptop bag over his head and made a beeline for the door. Gabriel's parting shot, delivered just as the door was closing, felt like glass shards in Sam's heart.
"Keep that in mind next time, Sammoose!"
Sam stood outside the door for long seconds, his hand clenched on the strap of his bag as he tried to will away the moisture that had sprung to his eyes. Of course Gabriel wouldn't want Sam - human, tainted, abomination - to have thoughts of that nature about him. Finally, Sam took a shuddering breath and began the trek to the local library.
Working on the case helped distract Sam from the feelings of worthlessness and despair that had begun to fester deep inside. He was being useful, helping research the newest monster of the week. He found the patterns of the attacks, which led quickly to finding out that their monster was a demon. Just as he was packing his things up, Dean and Cas walked into the library.
"Hey, guys. I found out what it is." Sam noticed the looks on their faces. Dread settled in his gut. "What is it?"
Dean grimaced and shook his head. "It's nothing. What have you got?"
Sam stared at his brother for a few seconds, but finally spoke. "So get this. I found a pattern of blackouts wherever the victims were killed. And a few witnesses said that the killer had soulless eyes. I'm thinking they meant literally. The only thing I don't understand is why the demon is going after people that were somehow a threat against its host."
Brows furrowed, Dean asked, "What do you mean? Like mob hits?"
"That's just it, it's all little stuff. Like this one - Carol Brandt. The man she killed was her landlord. He was evicting her and her two kids for what seems like no reason. And Marcus Jones. The bank manager denied his claim for a loan to pay for his wife's cancer treatment. It's like...a vigilante demon."
"A do-gooder sulfur sucker? Come on, Sam, there's no such thing!"
Sam closed his eyes, biting back the word that begged to be said. Ruby. Because Ruby wasn't actually a do-gooder. she was a lying, manipulative bitch who had tricked Sam and used him. Instead, he said softly, "Yeah, I know."
"Shit, Sammy, I didn't mean it like- "
"No, Dean, it's okay. You're right. No such thing."
Cas watched the interaction for a moment before deciding to leave the brothers alone. He silently opening his wings and flew back to the motel.
"Sam, it wasn't your fault."
The taller hunter froze as he was working to put his things away. "What?" he asked tightly.
Dean sighed. "Ruby. Lucifer. Any of it. None of this is your fault. I just...I wanted you to know that."
Tears pricked Sam's eyes as the hateful words from Dean's voicemail the night of Lucifer's freedom echoed in his mind. Freak. Monster. Vampire.
"Thanks, Dean. Can we, uh...get on the road? Go save some lives?" Sam asked without turning around.
"Sure, Sammy," Dean said softly. The two stood in awkward silence as Sam finished packing his things before leaving the library. The silence continued until they arrived back at the motel to grab their things. Cas and Gabriel looked up as the door opened, obviously in the middle of a conversation. Castiel opened his mouth to say something, but a glare from Gabriel cut him off.
Sam said nothing as he began to slowly pack his clothes away and organize his duffel. Dean stared at his brother for a long moment before turning away to gather his own clothes. Before long, the four were headed out to the Impala and piling inside the car. Just as Sam was about to open the front passenger door to get in, Castiel spoke up.
"Sam, if it's all the same to you, I would like to sit in the front this once."
The other three men looked oddly at Castiel, but he held his ground. Finally, Sam shrugged and backed away with a dismissive wave. "Sure, Cas. Go ahead. But I'm going to need to swap in a few hours."
Castiel nodded and opened the door. Gabriel glared at his brother for a moment before not-quite-gently moving Sam out of the way to sit behind the other angel. If he spent the next few hours kicking the back of Cas' seat, then it was the seraph's own fault.
Sam was, by default, delegated to the seat behind Dean. He sighed and tried to stretch out as much as the cramped back seat would allow him to.
He didn't see Gabriel's eyes darting over his tall muscular form. He didn't see the archangel lick his lips when the hunter pulled his shirt up slightly to adjust his belt. And he definitely didn't see the quick motion of the older angel's hand darting across his lap to press against the barely noticeable bulge there.
Sam was too wrapped up in his thoughts of self-loathing and guilt to notice these things.
He noticed Gabriel sitting in a sullen heap on his side of the backseat, refusing to budge except to kick the seat in front of him or to flick his brother's ear. "Of course. Why would the holy creature want to sit beside the demon fucker?" Even as he thought it, Sam made doubly - triply - sure that his mental walls were high. Once was enough of being eavesdropped on in his own head.
For the next three hours, Sam feigned sleep to avoid any kind of potential interaction with the angel of his wayward affections. Finally, he felt the car slow and slowly stretched out to sit upright and look around. During his faked sleep, twilight had settled around them. Now, the Impala was directing her wheels to pull into a lone space at a diner. Sam's stomach chose that moment to growl loudly, causing a snort and a brow quirk to be aimed his way via rear-view mirror. Sam rolled his eyes and smirked as Dean's followed suit, roaring its displeasure at being empty.
Gabriel, for his part, was ready to be more than a foot away from Sam. His personal version of Hell, for the last three-and-some-odd hours, had been to be within touching distance of the hunter and unable to do anything. At least in the motel rooms he had room to move away if the urge came over him to run his fingers through that hair or slide his fingers into the little dip between jeans and skin. In the car, however, he had been forced to act out towards Cas whenever those urges hit. So when Sam shifted in his "sleep" - come on! Gabriel was utterly aware that the kiddo was awake - and his shirt made its way a sliver of an inch higher on his belly, Cas received a kick to the back and a mental message of how irritated Gabe was at him.
When the hunter actually drifted to sleep for a moment before Dean's distraction - aimed at Cas, of course - caused the car to hit a pothole, Sam dreamed of a certain short archangel. Mere centimeters from their lips meeting in that dream, Dean cursed and attempted to miss said pothole. That swerve almost sent Gabriel into Sam's lap, but the archangel held his seat through sheer power of will. The glare Gabriel sent to Dean could have melted a polar ice cap.
So it was with great relief that he exited the car and made for the diner. Inside, he snagged a booth and waved down the waitress to order four cups and a pot of coffee. By the time the other three men joined him, he was halfway through his first cup. Dean slid in across from the short angel and Cas followed him closely. Sam hesitated for a moment before sitting beside Gabriel. He sat on the very edge of the seat to make sure he wasn't touching the moody archangel.
When the waitress came back for their orders, Sam had to inch closer to Gabriel so that the woman didn't poke his eye out with her pen. Gabriel snorted at the sight of Sam back warily away from the writing utensil.
Sam heard Gabriel's amusement and stopped moving, more willing to be stabbed with a pen than to add to the angel's amusement. A second later, a near miss with the pen and his face made him rethink his stubbornness.
"Gee, bucko. I didn't order a side of overly attached moose. You're crushing me, here!" Gabriel snarked.
Sam jolted away from him and out of the booth entirely. Without a word, he stalked to the poor excuse of a bathroom and locked the door, intending to give the others a few minutes to finish ordering. Dean knew what Sam would order, though the older brother would most likely order the opposite just to mess with him. After splashing his face with water, he ran his fingers through his hair and sighed, battling the ever-present thoughts of self-loathing and disgust.
Worthless.
Unlovable.
Abomination.
Why had he ever thought he could possibly end up with something other than heartbreak and misery? People like him didn't get to ride of into the sunset with their true love. People like Sam Winchester got to die young if they were lucky. Young enough to go out fighting, and not too old to have become useless.
Hunters didn't get a happily ever after.
This was originally posted on AO3. I figured I might as well post it here, too. Haha.
Just FYI, the pairing part of Sam/Gabe is a long time coming. They go through a lot, and there's a lot of hurt between them. There will eventually be a sequel. The Dean/Cas is understated, but it's there. I meant for this to be a mainly Sabriel fic.