The
Rich Little
Poor Girl
Written by
Mr. Semaj
Prologue
Heir Search
In a private vault room at the Pewterschmidt mansion, Carter Pewterschmidt is closely counting his coins.
"Ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine……one hundred."
Carter removed his magnifier glass and wiped the sweat off his forehead after a long, stressful task.
He said satisfactorily to himself, "Finally. After fifteen days of painstaking counting, that's all $75 million dollars."
Carter exited the vault, and shut the locks tight. He walked into the living room while putting the keys into his pocket.
Babs was sitting in a chair with her reading glasses reading a book. The fireplace had a warm fire burning.
"Honey," Carter began. "I've been thinking…"
"What's on your mind?" Babs responded.
Carter explained, "Well, we've been rich for our whole lives. From your family's generation and mine."
"Of course," Babs said. "Why I remember when you first proposed to me…"
"Yeah, yeah," Carter interrupted. "The point is, what is going to happen to all of our wealth when we're put to pasture?"
"Don't ask me," Babs said. "Last time I checked, it was your turn to update our living will."
Carter growled softly.
He took out a miniature photo frame of his three children. It revealed from left to right, Lois, Carol, and Patrick. Patrick's photo was crossed out in red marker.
Carter sighed. "We have three kids, yet none of them are even interested in our money. Money is the source of human happiness."
Babs lamented, "Yes Carter, I know what you mean. I honestly thought Lois was our best bet. But she wasted her future on that husband of hers."
Martin Meriwether, the butler, came into the living room with a food tray.
Carter checked his watch. "Ah, tea time!"
He said to Babs, "We're never going to have a successor. We're not even famous enough to continue earning money from the grave."
"You almost had a shot when you tried to buy the Beatles' record deal," Babs said. "But then came that yokel, Ono…"
As Carter removed the lid off the food tray, the tray revealed two slices of a freshly baked apple pie, and two cups of warm chamomile tea.
"Let's face it," Carter concluded, "When we die, they are just going to give our riches away to charity, or some other gay crap."
Carter took a bite of his slice of pie.
He spit it out.
"Martin!" Carter bellowed. The chandelier above him trembled.
"Anything wrong, sir?" Meriwether called.
"Take back this awful desert!" Carter ordered. "What the hell did you make this pie from?"
"I'm sorry, sir." Meriwether said. "I make pies from memory. I lost the original recipes years ago."
"You make the worst pies!" Carter yelled. "You expect me to buy them from the friggin' bakery like some chicken-loving Black family?!"
"No sir. Sorry sir," Meriwether replied nervously. He left in a hurry with the plates.
Carter and Babs sat in their chairs uncomfortably. Carter sipped his cup of tea. He licked his chops. He still had the bland pie taste in his mouth.
"Yick."
Act I
Scene I – Bubble Prank
It was a brisk, sunny morning in Quahog. The birds were singing, and there was a gentle breeze in the air.
Meg got up to use the bathroom. But just around the corner, Chris and Stewie were playing with bubbles. They laughed at the bubbles they blew of different shapes and sizes.
Stewie saw Meg walking down the hallway. He and Chris crept up behind her. Chris took his wand, and blew extra hard. A large bubble came up, and touched Meg's hair. When Meg turned around, the bubble enclosed her head. She tried to run away, but instead got trapped inside the bubble.
Chris and Stewie laughed hysterically as the Meg bubble floated away…
Scene II – Lois' New Job
Later that day, Meg was reading in her room.
She heard some funky music.
She went to investigate.
The music was coming from the basement.
Meg went downstairs, and discovered a terrifying secret.
Lois was practicing lap dances on a newly-built strip pole!
"Mom!" Meg yelled.
"Oh. Hi, Meg", Lois said. She was nonchalantly puffing a cigarette.
"What the hell are you doing?!" Meg yelled.
"I guess I forgot to tell you," Lois said. "I got a job at the new strip club downtown."
"But what about your piano lessons?" Meg asked.
Lois scoffed. "Puh-leese! I want to actually do something with my life. Any idiot can play a piano. It takes smarts to show off this." She thrusts her hips sideways as her bosom jiggled.
"By the way," Lois continued, "I'm going to get wasted tonight, so I'm looking for a designated driver."
Meg frowned, and turned the other way with her arms crossed.
"Aw come on, Meg", Lois coaxed. "It'll be a girls' night out." She placed her hand on Meg's shoulder.
Meg looked at Lois' face, to see a reassuring smile. And finally, she accepted.
Scene III – Girls' Night Out
That night, Lois and Meg took off together to the strip club, the Libido Lounge.
Once there, Lois got her own solo. As she put on her show, the crowd roared with praises, wolf-whistling and excitement. Some men began throwing coins on the stage.
Meg, however, did not enjoy this. She did not appreciate seeing her mother reach out to the lowest common denominator.
Someone was nudging her arm.
"Dude, is that your mom?" he asked her.
Meg covered her face, slumped in her seat, and nodded 'yes'.
"She is freaking hot!" the guy said. He started screaming at the top of his lungs.
The whole club was cheering and shouting as Lois continued her dance.
After an hour and a half, Lois sat next to Meg for her break. Meg checked her watch; it was 11:45PM.
"Mom, we should be getting home. It's late." Meg warned.
Lois was quite dazed, having drank a heavy amount of liquor. She was lighting a cigarette.
"You, you go ahead without me", she said drunkenly. "This is gonna take a while." She puffed a large cloud of smoke in Meg's face.
Meg walked out of the club, coughing hard.
Scene IV – No Dinner
Meg returned home at the stroke of midnight. When she came in the front door, the rest of the family was sitting on the couch.
"Oh there you are," Peter said. "Where's Lois?"
"She sent me home alone," Meg said dejectedly.
"What the hell are you upset about?" Peter asked. "Aren't you glad your mother's got a new job?"
"No!" Meg replied annoyed. "I mean, I want Mom to have a job, but not this. She has no conscience whatsoever."
"Aw, lighten up," Stewie said. "For once, I got that vile woman out of my hair, which gives me plenty of time to pick out my new wardrobe." He presents a metrosexual magazine.
A brief moment of silence.
"Am I the only one who's outraged?!" Meg asked. "Dad, talk some sense into Mom. At least you and Chris got decent jobs."
"Um…no." Peter stated.
"What do you mean?" Meg asked.
Peter continued, "I quit my job just this morning. Your mother is going to be making enough money for the both of us now."
"Yes." Brian added sarcastically. "Two halves, but neither logic makes a whole."
Meg groaned as she slumped on the floor in front of the TV.
"Don't worry Meg," Chris said. "I'm keeping my newspaper route so I can open up a savings account."
"Well, that sounds neat," Meg said unsurely.
"Okay I lie," Chris admitted. "I'm saving up so I can catch the Evil Monkey in my closest."
Meg said, "Chris, you don't have an Evil Monkey. We all know you're making it up!"
Chris looked up the stairs, and saw the Monkey pointing menacingly at him. No one else saw him.
"I'm going to bed." Meg sighed.
"Wait a minute," Peter said. "Who's going to fix dinner?"
"You mean you guys haven't eaten yet?" Meg asked.
"Well, Lois always cooks dinner," Brian explained. "I suggested we order out, but that seems to be lost on everyone's mind."
"I…could cook something," Meg said.
Peter, Chris, and Stewie all laughed.
"You, cooking?" Stewie asked. "Your cooking is probably worse than your grotesque body fat."
"The talking football is right," Peter said.
"But then why did you ask---" Meg started to say.
"Never mind," Peter said. "I'm ordering a pizza just to end this discussion."
Brian rolled his eyes and sighed.
Scene V – Pizza Tirade
Half an hour later, the pizza delivery came. The family gathered at the couch and ate some pizza.
Peter stuffed two slices down his throat. He could barely chew them properly.
Meg came back from the kitchen with a jar of green olives. She put some olives on her slice of pizza.
Peter spit his two unfinished slices back into the box.
"Meg," he said. "Haven't you had enough for one night?"
"What do you mean?" Meg asked.
"You can't be happy with the pizza you get," Peter sneered. "It's always something extra that the pizza is missing. All the while, you're getting fatter and fatter every day!"
Meg charged, "You're the fattest one in the whole family!"
"That may be, but you are a girl," Peter said, pointing at Meg's belly, "and girls are not supposed to be fat."
Chris chuckled, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were already showing. You and Mrs. Swanson could be sisters!"
"And you'd still be the ugly one!" Stewie said.
Stewie was laughing in front of a heartbroken Meg.
"Oh, by the way," Stewie said. "I don't want to become a stuffed turkey like you. Have the last of my piece of pizza!"
He chucked his unfinished slice of pizza right into Meg's face.
Peter, Chris, and Stewie were all laughing, while Meg's eyes filled with tears.
Meg started to break down, but something snapped inside of her. Her sadness was quickly replaced with rage on her tomato-smeared face.
She screamed very loud, so loud, it broke a mirror. She threw her unfinished pizza slice into Peter's face, ran upstairs screaming again, with her face cherry red, and slammed her door, shaking the house. Her portrait hanging on the wall fell off.
Suddenly, the door bell rang. Peter answered it, and it was Lois accompanied by Joe.
"Peter," Joe said. "I found your wife showing off her hoo-ha on the street corner. Make sure it doesn't happen again."
Joe, already off-duty, went home.
Lois was terribly unkempt and in a drunken stupor. She stammered and tried to speak, but just fell on the floor.
Scene VI – No More
Meg was crying in her bed.
When she stopped, some familiar voices echoed through her head.
"You're a girl, you're not supposed to be fat," Peter said.
"I got a new job at the new strip club downtown," Lois said.
"Bubbles," Chris said laughing.
"You're the ugly one. You sicken me!" Stewie said.
Meg thought about it. She began to wonder why she has taken so much abuse for all these years. Not just from her family, but all of Quahog. It just didn't make any sense. And all there was to look forward to was more unwarranted abuse in the future.
But not anymore. She had enough.
Meg decided to run away from home.
After everyone had went to bed and fallen asleep, Meg finally came out of her bedroom. She tip-toed down the stairs with two suitcases in her arms. She walked quietly towards the front door.
As she slowly opened the door, she began to have second thoughts. But as she was standing there, with the moonlight shining into the living room, she heard her mother, sleeping right on the floor next to her foot, mumbling. She was mumbling unpleasant words in her sleep.
"For God's sake Meg, get some real friends. Not those geeks you hang out with."
That did it. Meg had made up her mind. She opened the door all the way, bumping Lois in the head, and slammed it. Surprisingly, Lois was unaffected.
As Meg walked down Spooner Street, clouds began to cover the moon. The wind picked up a little bit. Of course Meg didn't care, as she had other things on her mind.
As she walked out of the neighborhood, the first flurries of the season fell in the town of Quahog.