The ground is cold beneath my fingers.
The grass is short, plowed over by the feet of marching soldiers and the bodies of the wounded and dead that they dragged along behind them. It is wet from the rain falling from the sky and the bloodshed from battle. The air around me still has traces of smoke and iron, reminiscent of the terror that ended a mere hour ago. I can still hear the screams and shouts of the people echoing in my ears… a sound that may haunt me for the rest of my life.
As I kneel on the ground on which I wish would devour me whole, I can't get the image of your eyes out of my mind. Your bright, brilliant green eyes that used to encompass so much life and vibrancy contained nothing when I finally found you amongst the mass of murders and attacks held on this field. I tried to find you as soon as we were split apart, but the distinct fire hair of yours was mixed with the spells across the field. Red sparks were flying across, over, and at people as I ran to find you. My head turned at every spell cast, hoping it was you or your hair I would see. Green bolts were flying across, bright and full of life like your eyes…
Yet that spell seemed to take everything from me and from your eyes.
I screamed for you so much that I couldn't talk to Sirius when he finally found me during battle. I couldn't explain to him why I was so panicked once the Death Eaters began disapperating. I couldn't explain to him that I had lost you for five minutes and that it felt like five centuries. I couldn't explain to him that you and I weren't supposed to be there, that we were just caught up in the mix. I couldn't explain to him that you were a target because of your brilliant, brilliant mind and the supposed dirt that ran through your veins. All I could do was point and cast spells towards anyone that got in my way.
I punched so many men, on both sides. I pushed past so many women, not paying attention to their faces. I forgot to use my wand at some point, resorting to muggle violence and the ways you were raised before we even met. You used to tell me stories of physically fighting your sister and other children on the block, and somewhere in my subconscious I used those stories to try and help me find you. More lights, more spells flew across the herd of people. Reinforcements arrived and I couldn't give a damn until I had your hand wrapped around mine once more.
There were very few Death Eaters left when I finally found you.
You were away from the violence, away from the crowd. You were talking to a masked man, a Death Eater, and your wand was pointed at the ground. His was trained on you, raising higher as your hands rose in defeat. It was supposed to be mutual, I'm assuming. You would never accept defeat so easily, especially when a life is on the line. What were you doing? Who were you talking to? And why couldn't you notice the Death Eater behind you?
I couldn't say anything. My voice was so hoarse Sirius couldn't hear me standing two feet away, there was no way you would have heard me from fifty feet away. I was in such a state of shock I couldn't move when I saw the woman-no, the monster- behind you raise her wand and shoot the beautiful, deadly curse towards your heart. You didn't even know it was coming until it was too late. Your body fell, lifeless and unaware as the two Death Eaters surrounding you disapparated without a second thought.
I had never moved so fast in my life. Not when I ran away from Filch, McGonagall, Moody, or even my mother. Not when I ran towards you the first day we were an official couple, Sirius the day he ran away from home, or my mother when my father passed. My legs were numb from the cold, my heart and brain numb from the thought of you being murdered in front of my eyes, yet I kept pushing myself to reach you.
I collapsed the moment I was next to you.
You were lying face up, your eyes staring straight through me. They were cold, colder than the grass and emptier than my heart feels. I brushed away a strand of your hair, hair that used to be as bright as the fire within your soul. Now that there is no heart beating in your chest, your hair no longer glows as it once did. And your eyes…
You used to pretend as though I didn't exist, and I thought it was the most painful thing to have you look right though me, but now? Now you aren't doing it on purpose, and it isn't a game anymore. Your eyes will never look at me the same, hell, they will never see again. I couldn't bring myself to close them, even with the pain they brought me. They were still beautiful and still you even if you weren't here anymore.
Sirius was suddenly next to me, barking orders at someone around me… or something. I'm not to sure. My ears grew deaf to the sounds around me, only able to hear the beating of my own heart and not yours. Sirius grabbed my shoulder and tried to shake me from the shock I was feeling but I couldn't stop staring at you, holding you, brushing your hair, and just being with you. It wasn't until Gideon and Fabian came and stole you away that I even acknowledged Sirius.
He didn't say anything. He simply held me and let me cry.