A black minivan cruised down the wide, open stretch of highway. The wide sky was blue and cloudless, and seemed to portend that a cheerful day lay ahead.
A cheerful day did not lie ahead.
"Remind me again why we're taking a road trip instead of taking over the world?" sighed Sasori as he leaned his head on one elbow and stared mournfully out one of the van's side windows. He was seated in the left middle captain's seat, and his eyes were somewhat glazed over as he watched the scenery flash by.
"Because, danna," Deidara piped up from the back of the van, "Leader-sama noticed that none of us really cared when our fellow Akatsuki members died. He thought a road trip would be a good bonding opportunity, un."
Sasori spared a lethargic glance to the back seat, which Deidara was currently sharing with Hidan. Zetsu was in the right middle seat, because no one wanted to get too close to him. A brief frown passed across the puppeteer's face. "Where's Tobi? I thought he was back there with you."
"He's in the cooler," said Deidara with a nonchalant shrug.
"Funny," commented Sasori in a flat tone which held no trace of amusement.
"No, really, Sasori-danna. He's in the cooler."
"Who's in the cooler?" asked Kakuzu from the front seat.
"Food goes in the cooler," said Zetsu to himself in a quiet voice.
Sasori gave him a long look, then turned towards Kakuzu, whose eyes were fixed on the road ahead. "Tobi, apparently." He had to admit, it was a little surprising he hadn't noticed earlier. It had been rather quiet for the past few miles or so.
"Well, take him out. Only food goes in the cooler, otherwise someone's going to end up breaking it."
Deidara rolled his eyes in exasperation. "But Kakuzu, if we take him out, he'll start talking again!" The elder Akatsuki shot a glare into the rearview mirror, and made eye contact with the artist, who shrank down nervously into the collar of his coat. "Okay, okay, un," he relented with a sigh and twisted around in his seat, stretching awkwardly as he reached into the trunk to get the cooler lid open.
"Ow," muttered Hidan as Deidara's foot bumped against his leg.
The blond stopped fiddling with the cooler for a moment in order to shoot Hidan a scathing look. "Come on, that did not hurt, un."
"How do you know? You're not the one who just got kicked in the fucking kneecap!"
"Quiet down back there," called Kakuzu, irritation beginning to show in his voice. "Besides Hidan, I thought you liked pain."
"Go to hell," groused the Jashinist, his pale face beginning to flush with anger. "Why do I have to sit in the back, anyways?"
"Food goes in the back," said Zetsu to himself in a quiet voice.
"Because I'm driving, and I want you as far away from me as possible," replied Kakuzu matter-of-factly.
"You heathen bastard!" yelled Hidan, lunging forward. However, he was jerked back abruptly, having forgotten the fact that his seatbelt had an emergency locking retractor that was designed to lock in place in case of sudden jolts. He was slammed back against the seat and spent the next minute or so trying to unlock it by feeding lengths of seatbelt webbing back into the retractor, swearing violently under his breath.
"That brings up an interesting point, Kakuzu," said Sasori, raising an eyebrow. "Why are you driving?"
"Because," he said, "Itachi is blind, Deidara would slobber all over the steering wheel, Hidan's immortality has given him remarkably poor risk-assessment skills, Tobi only has a driver's permit, and you and Zetsu are mentally unbalanced."
This pronouncement sparked a storm of protest.
"I am not blind," said Itachi in a flat voice, speaking up for the first time as he reached over and began throttling Kakuzu's headrest with a deadly intensity.
"I would not slobber on the steering wheel!" Deidara cried over his shoulder, flushing a bright pink.
"And I thought we were all mentally unbalanced," said Sasori.
"Speak for yourself, asshole," Hidan scowled. He was still trying to get loose from the confines of his seatbelt.
"Anyways, what about Kisame?" Sasori continued, pointedly ignoring Hidan's remark.
Kakuzu shook his head. "No, he's still on the roof, remember?"
"Wait...why is Kisame on the roof?" asked Itachi in a voice of mild bemusement, finally releasing his death grip on the headrest. He hadn't noticed until this point that his partner was missing.
"Food goes on the roof," said Zetsu to himself in a quiet voice.
"I told him there was no room for Samehada inside the car, but when I tried to get him to put it up on the luggage rack he refused to be separated from it. So he's up on the roof," explained Kakuzu briskly.
As if on cue, there was a series of abrupt knocks on the sun roof. Itachi reached up and felt around on the ceiling for a moment before finally hitting the right button. The sun roof slid open, revealing a rather wind-blown Kisame.
"Was somebody talking about me, Itachi-san?" he asked, having to raise his voice over the sound of air rushing past the van. He was splayed out flat across the roof, clinging to the luggage rack for dear life. Samehada's hilt was just visible at his side.
"Yes, Kisame. I was wondering why you were on the roof," said Itachi, his voice flat and emotionless as usual.
Kisame merely grinned impishly in response, revealing his large, pointed teeth. "The view's better. Not to mention the company."
"That reminds me," said Kakuzu, without looking up from the road, "you'd better not scratch the paint job while you're up there."
"Nobody's going to be standing around evaluating the paint job on our fucking roof," said Hidan rather scornfully.
Kakuzu took one hand off the steering wheel long just enough to send it shooting back two rows. It punched Hidan in the eye before Kakuzu used his sinewy tentacles to retract and attach it once again. He never once turned around.
"Asshole! You just ruined my facial symmetry, and then stuck me in the back so I couldn't retaliate, you cheating fuck!" Hidan clutched at the eye which had already begun to swell, spewing a stream of violent obscenities.
"A scratch on the roof will make it harder to sell this thing once we're done with it," Kakuzu explained with a casual wave of his now attached hand, completely ignoring Hidan.
"You seriously think we call sell this piece of crap, un?" asked Deidara's muffled voice. He was leaned so far back into the trunk that only his legs were visible over the edge of the seat.
"I can sell anything."
"Really," said Sasori skeptically. "This was the most decrepit van in the lot. Who would buy it, anyways?"
"We did," observed Zetsu quietly.
"It was the second most decrepit van in the lot!" said Kakuzu defensively. "The other one had worse mileage, so it would have ended up costing more with gas taken into consideration."
There was a brief moment of silence. Sasori had just opened his mouth to make a reply when his thoughts were interrupted by a click. This was followed by a high-pitched voice's delighted cry. "Deidara-senpai!"
"No, Tobi, don't!" Deidara yelled in a voice that was almost panicky.
Sasori and Hidan twisted around in their seats, looking quizzical. They were just in time to see Deidara's feet disappearing over the top of the seat as he lost his balance and landed in the trunk with a loud thud and much cursing.
"What's going on in there?" asked Kisame, quirking an eyebrow as he peered down into the interior of the van. Itachi replied with a wordless shrug.
Sasori was craning his neck around the seat for a better view, but when Deidara reemerged momentarily from the trunk, he recoiled sharply in horror. The artist's bangs were spilling across his face, and his stiff ponytail was pointing out in all directions. "Someone appears to have replaced your hair with a mangled woodchuck," the puppeteer observed stoically after a moment of recovery.
"Woodchuck," repeated Zetsu quietly to himself.
A murderous look was plastered across the visible portions of Deidara's face. However, his rage, when it manifested itself, was not directed at Sasori. "Tobi! Why did you try and hug me when I was hanging over the seat, un, you dipshit!" he yelled. Kisame coughed loudly, trying to stifle a snort of laughter.
"Keep it down!" snapped Kakuzu.
"Sorry, Deidara-senpai..." came the bright reply. Tobi's orange mask popped up into view above the top of the backseat as the Akatsuki's newest recruit clambered out of the cooler. "Tobi had better buckle his seatbelt now, though. Tobi adheres to seatbelt laws. Tobi is a good boy!"
"Yeah, well there's no fucking way Tobi is sitting next to me," said Hidan, curling his lip. "He flails."
Deidara shook his head. "Newest member gets the middle back seat, un. That's the rules and you know it."
"Food goes in the middle back seat," said Zetsu quietly to himself.