Lately, I've been thinking back to when I'd rescued Elle from Odine's lab. It's not exactly something I like to think about. I hate encountering much less ruminating over the darkest souls that exist in this world. It just makes my stomach lurch. Perhaps the stress of the battlefield is getting to me lately and that's why it's coming to mind.

Anyway, I think back to the moment that I ran into that windowless room and wrapped my arms around Elle's little body. I remember how my blood had begun to boil as I squeezed her tight. How could someone do this to another human being? And not just a human being, but a child at that? It was absolutely mind-boggling to me. I know there are people out there who see dollar signs or promises of fame floating above the heads of living beings, but I'll never understand why that is.

I sometimes fear what I'm capable of, though.

I mean, everyone is capable of evil. It's the way that human beings are built. None of us is truly pure at heart. Not even me, the wannabe nice guy. We all have screwed up thoughts every now and then. And some of us even act on them.

There are times when I'm in a battle and I'm about to shoot someone, and I feel this surge in my veins, this feeling of adrenaline suddenly pumping through me. I feel excited. And it's normal to feel this way in a battle, especially in the heat of the moment. But it's not just that I feel excited. It's that I simply want to see someone die. The thought of killing someone, seeing someone fall limp to the ground like a rag doll feels enticing at times. It's not just about survival anymore.

It's about murder.

And it chills me to my bone sometimes. I wonder why I do it. Why do I pick up that machine gun and kill people like it's my favorite pastime...like I'm just playing Triple Triad with people's lives? It's numbing in a way…seeing people die over and over again. Sometimes, after a kill, I don't feel anything at all. And that seems worse in a sense.

I think about death often. I fear it, too. Despite the fact that I'm always on the battlefield I'm scared of the day that the grim reaper knocks on my door.

Because he'll probably have a smile on his face when he does.

Yet when I think about the people who lived because I saved them, it eases some of my inner turmoil. When I think about the fact that I'd gotten rid of Adel around the time that Raine died, the knot in my stomach loosens slightly. It's a bittersweet sort of relief, but it is a relief nonetheless.

People don't understand how hard it can be to be upbeat and energetic like I am at times. It often feels like the world is trying with all its might to tear me down and turn me into some kind of demon. It can be so hard to fight the urge to be cruel. To hurt someone just because I can. And it can be oh so tempting, too. Just because I'm having a bad day or I'm just not feeling quite right at that moment. Yet there's something inside me that always forces me to hold back and steady myself. To get a grip when I start to lose control.

I don't want to lose that grip.

I want nothing more than to aim my gun at the demons that taunt me and try to lure me to the dark side. To laugh as I shoot them all down one by one, hearing their cries for mercy as they die. Begging me to stop. And to hell with that. There's no way that I'd even consider stopping. I might even continue after they're long dead and beginning to wither away into nothingness. And have myself a beer while I'm at it.

Heh. Maybe I'm not such a nice guy after all.

But if there's anything I'd be more than happy to kill it's them. The reason for the evil in this messed up world. The ones who possess normal, kind people into committing unspeakable acts. They tried to take away my Elle. They killed Julia and Raine. And they've tried attacking me as well.

I don't ever want to lose to those demons. And as long as there's any fight in me, I'm not backing down. Because I may cramp up when I get anxious, but I'm no quitter.

And winners never quit.