Let's just say that, during New Moon, Edward breaks his promise and comes back and Bella catches him in the middle of the night. Let's say that all she wants is to to say goodbye, properly...
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A dull ache. As I wake from screaming again, that's all I feel. Pain, agony, nothingness.
And how had I succumbed to this?
A boy.
Last year, I would have told myself to get a grip of myself, tell myself to get closure. Except, when you've fallen in love, truly for the first time, it's hard to get closure. It's hard to push aside those newfound emotions that are so raw and new. Those emotions that negate the effects of rationality and sanity, creating the being I am now.
How much I would give to have him back.
Eventually, I grow tired of lying on my bed with my eyes open, so I sit up; I look over at the table where my clock is to see the time, what hour of the morning I had woken up. I see him.
Except, he's not like in my dreams. He's not a hallucination. He's real. He's here. He looks at me with those honey-coloured eyes in pain. I can tell by his expression that in a second he is about to go. He thinks he'll be another fleeting dream.
"Wait," I call out. He freezes. He doesn't speak. Maybe it's easier for him that way.
"Edward," I say, "Don't go without letting me say goodbye."
He pauses. I inhale. I assume he's listening.
"Edward Anthony Cullen," I start. I pause, realising I don't know what I want to say. Anything would suffice. He turns to me. He knows he broke his promise. I don't care; neither do I remind him of his end of the bargain.
"From the day when I first met you, I knew that you were different," I carry on. His jaw clenches.
"From the day when I first met you, you were always on my mind," I say. His body barely moves an inch. I try to take in all that he is, his being, to remember.
"And I knew that as we got to know each other better, than I loved you."
He flinches slightly. The movement is so subtle that if I hadn't been staring at him in order to remember, then I wouldn't have seen it at all.
"You may think that because I'm human, I say it because you're incredibly stunning, and it's for the thrill of the chase, but it's not, okay? I know what it's like to have a crush on someone, I've had like ten crushes on people, I know what it's like to think you love someone, but with you it was entirely different," I tell him. I pause for a breath.
"You were everything to me, before you, I hated living here, sometimes I still do but you made it better, you made me want to stay."
"So, when you decide to go and live somewhere else and think it's better for me, no it isn't, because I'm stuck living in a place that I practically detest, waiting for you to bring your sorry-ass back, because you will. In 80 years, when you think people have forgotten about you, I know you'll be back, because Forks is rainy and you can only come out in the day when it's rainy, right? But because of you, I'll still be here, waiting for you to return, because I know you will."
He looks at me with a pained expression. This isn't what he wanted.
"Except, I don't want that, Edward. You should have realised all I wanted was you. I don't care if you're not human and soulless. Before I knew about you and your condition, I was already falling for you, and you can blame the vampire charm, but I knew. Deep inside, I knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with."
He looks as if he wants to say something, but he can't. He can't formulate his current emotions and put them into a sentence worthy to reassure me. I continue, not needing his reassurance.
"And then my birthday and the incidents thereafter. You promised me that we had 'forever', you promised me so much and you just left me. You said your goodbyes and went, and left me, 'as if you had never existed'," I rant. I sound like a child. My words hit him hard. They are verbatim to his, the ones that had hit me so hard once ago. I stand up. I walk closer to him. I see his face in the moonlight. He looks as if he is about to run. He looks like he wants to stay.
Except, I realise I don't want him to.
"Edward Cullen," I say to his face. I grab his arms for effect. He stays still as a statue. He looks as if he is forcing himself to stay silent.
"During these past months, I've missed you so much that it's like I'm ceasing to exist. I love you. I love you so much it hurts. You wouldn't be able to grasp how many times I've wanted to go find a vampire and let him end it for me. And you know what? I've started to understand that I'm not in love anymore. I'm just longing for you. Longing like a 5 year-old for something I know I never had and never will have. I know that love is hard, but this is too hard. I can't take being this comatose anymore."
His face falls. His mouth parts slightly. His arms fall flaccidly, I know this because my hands are still on his arms and they're not tense anymore.
"I love you. I always have done, and maybe always will do, except you're not here anymore, you're like a dream. So I'm going to tell you something I want you to promise me, because those promises were yours."
He nods. He doesn't speak. I don't need him to.
"I want you to promise me to be strong. I want to you to promise me that if you ever fall in love, really fall in love, you have to introduce her to me, I don't care if I'm dead, you will haul her and yourself to my grave. You have to really love her, and promise her those things you promised to me and mean them."
He nodded. He understands.
"I love you," I say pathetically. I have nothing else to say. His mouth moves a little. I suppose he's saying the words he wants me to hear, but in too low a voice. I suppose that this dream is about to end.
"Goodbye," I say, feeling relieved to say it at last. He motions as if he's about to embrace me, or to press a chaste kiss on my lips, but he thinks better. Like wind on a lonely night, he's gone.
At some point in the night, I crawl back to my bed. I sleep. I don't dream. I don't scream.
The morning rays of light hit my face as the sun rises for the first time in what seems like forever.
I realise that a weight is off my heart.
I realise I have what I have wanted at last.
Closure.