Sonic 2006: Dude, Where's His World?
By P.T. Piranha
(Brief author's note, before we start: If you please, imagine Mike Pollock providing the voice of the narrator in the introduction. Sort of like how he does the voice of the tutorials. If you want.)
Chapter 1: The First of Many Kidnappings
The year was 2006. It was a magical time. The seventh generation of video game consoles was settling in, Sonic the Hedgehog finished researching the Arabian Nights, Shadow had come to grips with his backstory, and it was the fifteenth anniversary of the Sonic the Hedgehog series. Nothing could go wrong.
That was, until the Sun Festival of Soleanna, in a town which rested in a distant and absurdly realistic corner of the world. Things were more innocent, no one knew what disaster lied ahead. What camp and unintentionally entertaining things were in store…
"Yo princess, snap out of it!"
A young woman in a fancy white dress woke up from an apocalyptic daydream. She was standing before robed sages and an unlit torch in the middle of a canal during the festival.
Name: Princess Elise
Her Role Model: Princess Peach
"Sorry, I just imagined the whole town going up in flames, and there was a giant monster." The princess explained.
"Oh…" the lady-in-waiting was at a loss for words. "… Good for you? You should take the torch now."
"Oh, are we doing the Olympics with that plumber and his friends again?"
"No, we already had the Olympics this year. Just light the torch, Your Majesty."
The princess went over to the torch and lit it aflame. Everyone cheered, and for a moment, all was well. After that moment, missiles and robots ransacked the city.
"What the heck!" "AAAAH!" "Run away!" "The robot landed on my car!" All sorts of cries were heard in the pandemonium. As the princess looked around in confusion, a hover pod lowered down. The pod held a fat, bald man with a big nose and glorious mustache.
Name: Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik
Quality or Quantity?: "You know what they say… the more the merrier!"
"Hey there, princess. Look, I'm just gonna make this simple. I'd like to use the Flames of Disaster and the Chaos Emerald that you have." The scientist motioned toward the blue gem in Elise's grasp. "So how's about you just come with me?"
"Where are we going?" asked the princess.
"Well, it's not about where we go, I just need to-"
"How long will we be gone?" the princess interrupted.
"Well… I don't really know how long it'll ta-"
"Don't you think you should have asked politely before sending my citizens into a state of panic?"
Eggman scratched the back of his head. "Okay, the politeness was just me being facetious, since I'd already made the threat with the robots. I wasn't really asking, I was going to abduct you anyway."
Elise glared. "So why be so rude about it? You look like a supervillain, so I can expect you to be a jerk! But you have to be pretty smart to have all these robots! So didn't you think that maybe a subtler approach would work? Use that brain of yours!"
Eggman groaned, dragging his palm downward across his face. "Look, just get in the stupid hover pod!"
At that time, a blue blur whizzed around the platform, wrecking any and all robots. It stopped and took the form of an anthropomorphic hedgehog atop a pillar.
Name: Sonic the Hedgehog
Rating: Awesome
"Yeah, ol' egghead has the subtlety of a train wreck. Speaking of train wrecks, nice abduction, Eggman."
Eggman fumed. "Sonic! I do not need this right now!"
Sonic shook his head and sighed. "Oh Eggman. I don't think you know what we're in for."
Eggman was curious. "What are you talking about?"
"Do you know which game this is? It's gonna be a lot less painful if we just have fun with it."
"Again with your talk of 'games' and 'plots'! Like we're all players in a grand scheme scripted beyond our control! I'm not in the mood today! Princess, we're leaving!"
Sonic then got a closer look at Eggman. "Whoa! Doc! You look different! What happened?"
Eggman noticed that his appearance was more realistic than usual.
"Oh, that's just how I look whenever I'm in Soleanna and surrounding areas. I'll look normal again eventually. Maybe once I start building that orb-shaped robot assistant I'd been meaning to get around to…" Eggman started thinking aloud. "Say Sonic, do you think 'Orbot' would be a good name? I want to go for something clever, but subtle."
By the time Eggman looked for Sonic, he had noticed that the hedgehog had run off with the princess.
"… Yeah, that last part might've been my own fault."
A white hedgehog with even more quills was standing on top of a roof.
"I've finally found it…" the hedgehog summarized.
He was looking at a building across the street. "So that's what Wendy's looks like."
Meanwhile, Sonic was carrying the princess through the streets.
"Why'd you save me?" asked Elise.
Sonic raised an eyebrow. "Well, it's not like any good has come from just letting people get kidnapped. Duh."
Before long, robots appeared to halt Sonic. The hedgehog set the princess down and began beating the robots. That was when Eggman reappeared in his hover pod, and used its mechanical arm to grab Elise.
"YOU-CAPTURED-THE-PRINCESS. HER-INFORMATION-HAS-BEEN-ADDED-TO-YOUR-EGGDEX. WOULD-YOU-LIKE-TO-GIVE-HER-A-NICKNAME?" asked a computer voice in Eggman's ship.
"No, that won't be necessary."
"Eggman!" Sonic turned to face the scientist.
"Hi."
Elise wiggled around in the arm's grasp. She pulled out the blue Chaos Emerald. "Sonic, take this!"
She threw the Chaos Emerald, and it landed on the ground a little ways to Sonic's left.
"Uh… Maybe next time…" Sonic said to himself, as he went to grab the jewel.
"You'll give it to me sooner or later, so I'mma just leave." Eggman declared.
Sonic shrugged. "Yeah that's usually how these things work. Honestly, I'm just gonna try to enjoy the ride. Can't say I'm too concerned."
Eggman flew off, Elise in tow. Sonic yawned.
"I think I'll catch some shuteye. He needs her alive, so she'll be fine if I wait until morning."
The next morning, Sonic started running around town. Some would say that it was at the speed of sound. But that would be ridiculous, breaking the sound barrier is detrimental to combing the town for clues.
"Hey! Sonic!" called a small, yellow fox with two tails.
Name: Miles "Tails" Prower
IQ: Uh… a lot
Sonic turned to greet his friend. "Hey Tails. I imagine you're having a better time on our vacation than I am?"
"Not important!" Tails started. "But I have a question for you in return! Rumor has it that you're going to save the princess! Is that for real?"
"Tails, I tweeted about it five minutes ago, that's not a rumor."
Tails paused. "Oh… Say, how about I help you? I can fly to reach places that you can't! And I can give you technical support! So you know, the same old thing."
Sonic nodded. "All right, that sounds reasonable. Got any new tricks up your sleeve? I'm thinking lately that I'm going to start running faster than usual every so often. So that way, bumping into things will be even deadlier."
Tails pulled out a fake ring. "I have these bombs that look like rings. I can slowly throw them, and leave behind a bunch of fake rings. Will that help?"
"Barely, but who's counting? Let's go."
Sonic and Tails looked around until they came across a portal on a small inlet across the water.
"Something tells me that we need to hop in that portal. C'mon, Tails." Sonic leaped across the water, following the ring trail. Tails merely jumped into the water.
"Ahhhh." Tails screamed in deadpan as he had trouble swimming.
"Tails, come on! You can fly, why'd you fall?"
Tails reappeared next to Sonic. He looked around. "Wait, how'd I get over here?"
"...Good question…" Sonic was wary. "Let's just go…"
Sonic and Tails went into the portal.
NOW LOADING…
"Oh this is just fantastic." The hedgehog sarcastically spoke.
After around twenty seconds, our heroes found themselves on a beach. Wave Ocean. Sonic had begun to do what he did best, which was running like a madman through levels, bopping robots all the while. Everything was going fine until-
"WHOA! GEEZ! TAILS, HELP ME OUT!"
Sonic was currently hanging onto a Killer Whale's dorsal fin for dear life.
"Hold on, Sonic!" called Tails.
The fox flew over to a switch and pressed it. A gate closed, keeping the whale from leaving the enclosed area. The whale rammed into the gate, sending Sonic tumbling over the gap above it.
"Whoa!"
The hedgehog landed on a nearby shore, sprawled out in the sand.
"Pain… My life is pain right now. Everything is pain."
After taking a moment to recompose himself, Sonic stood up and noticed the Egg Carrier flying off in the distance. He then took a glance at the obstacle course directly ahead of himself.
"… Welp. This is going to suck. Ahem… I GOTTA SPEED UP!"
Sonic dashed forward, running along the beach. He tripped, and started tumbling all across the shores, grunting in pain upon each impact.
"Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Wagh! Naht! Wagh! Naht! Wagh! Naht!"
Sonic rolled along, getting thrown about in pain, as he flew over robots and obstacles. He eventually landed face first on a boost ramp, which automatically threw him into a pillar.
"Aaaah! Gonna be feeling that one tomorrow..." Sonic spoke as his body slid down the rock spire in pain. He landed in the water.
After regaining his composure once more, he swam over to the next section of the beach, and made it to the dock. "Okay… trying this again…"
Sonic burst forward with speed, running the rest of the way across the beach. He came across a double shuttle loop, and narrowly avoided running off the side and flying into the water. With one last spring, it launched him to the goal ring at the end of the level.
"Phew!"
A familiar victory jingle blared.
"THIS GAME'S WINNER IS… SONIC!"
"Too easy, piece of cake! Wait, wrong game."
Soothing guitar music began as Sonic got graded on his performance in the level.
D
"Oh come on! You try going through that death course!"
Tails flew up to Sonic. "Hey Sonic, look!" He pointed to the sky. Sonic obliged and caught sight of Eggman's ship getting away.
"Shoot! It was all for nothing! I think I cracked a rib somewhere on that beach!"
Tails put a hand on Sonic's shoulder. "It's okay Sonic, let's just go back to the city and look for more clues."
"… Yep. It's definitely going to be one of those games…"
After too many loading screens, Sonic and Tails found themselves in a desert temple that contained Princess Elise.
"Hey, Princess." Sonic greeted.
"I'm here too!" said Tails.
"He's here too." the hedgehog confirmed.
Elise's eyes lit up. "Sonic, you came back!" She ran over and hugged him.
"Whoa! You're gonna give the shippers material, I wasn't ready for this!"
"Ahem." Eggman made his presence known. Everyone turned to face him. Despite this, Elise was still holding onto Sonic.
"Uh, princess… you can… No? Okay."
Equally disturbed, but remaining silent on the matter, Eggman began to speak.
"Until I unlock the secret of the Flames of Disaster, I must have the princess in captivity! So have this boss robot I whipped up just for you, Sonic!"
A large robot dog appeared. Sonic squinted. "You didn't make this just for me."
Eggman rolled his eyes. "Oh all right fine, he's built to guard one of my bases, but I took him out for a walk. Happy?"
Sonic shrugged. "Well, for a first boss, it could have been worse. Could have been a scrawny, pink ogre."
Pink fists slammed down on a table.
"HOW DARE THEY DISRESPECT MEH!"
"Zazz, calm down." replied a red ogre, while reading a newspaper. He spoke in a disinterested tone to the pink one. "Who are you even talking about?"
"I 'unno. But when I do, I'MMA SKIN 'EM ALIVE!"
Boss: Egg-Cerberus
Danger Quotient: 50%
Sonic and the Cerberus were strafing around each other. Sonic got confused.
"Where are its other two heads? It's called 'Cerberus', but it only has one head."
Tails shrugged. "Not sure. But just try to ram it into one of the walls. You can do it by hopping onto its head and taking control of the horn."
"Like this?" Sonic was sitting on Cerberus's head. He steered it over into a wall, and it shut down. Sonic jumped off. "Now… sit. Stay. Play dead. Good boy, have a treat."
Sonic threw a squeaky bone toy at the Cerberus's inactive body. Tails flew over to Sonic, and the princess followed. Tails was confused.
"Sonic, where'd you get that toy?"
"Let's get out of here." Sonic ignored the question.
The three of them went outside and noticed a battalion of Eggman robots headed their way.
"I have an idea!" Tails declared. "I'll go distract them, while you escort the princess! Glad I thought of it! Good luck, Sonic!"
Tails flew off before the hedgehog could get a word in edgewise. Sonic looked in the direction Tails went. Then he looked at the robots. He looked at the princess. And then he looked down at his hands.
"It's going to be a looooong game…"
To be continued.
Author's Notes:
Okay, so what we have here is the beginning of my parody of Sonic the Hedgehog (2006). I've recently been on a bit of a Sonic kick, so I decided to take a crack at the big, bad game itself. And I'm not unprepared, because I know it can be hard to keep track of the plot.
This story will feature all three hedgehog scenarios, simultaneously. While I've not played the game myself, I looked up walkthroughs and read the lovely Several Wills trilogy by Child at Heart. So I have an understanding of when each hedgehog is at each level during each scenario. I have altered a few things for the sake of flow, but it's generally the same.
As more characters are introduced, I'll discuss them in these sections. The characters are planned to have quirks, but I don't want them to dominate their characters in this parody. They shouldn't be walking quirks, they should be characters who have quirks.
Sonic is a bit lazy and jaded. He realizes that he's in a bad video game, so he's just trying to have fun with it. Kind of like when good actors realize they're in a bad movie. Elise's dialogue with Eggman kind of wrote itself. First I just had her asking tons of questions, but then it turned into her ranting about Eggman's plans. I like this version of her. Though it looks like she has a tendency to be too affectionate toward Sonic. Eggman's mostly just reacting to things right now, but I do have ideas for him. Silver will also have more to do once he's properly introduced.
Also there will be more Zazz in the future, but in his own way. Don't worry, it shouldn't be very distracting.
But anyway, I hope you enjoy. Updates will occur when I'm able to write and upload. Real life and computer/internet issues will get in the way. And sometimes I just might not be up for writing, which would cause the story to suffer if I tried. Sometimes updates might be frequent, other times they won't. I'll try not to keep this story going on for too long.
You can leave reviews if you'd like, I'm always interested in getting feedback, especially constructive criticism. Though I'm not writing this for your reviews, I'm writing because I want to do this parody.
(By the way, go read that trilogy if you're interested in a well-written 06 adaptation. "Absolute Dreams", "Shadow of a Doubt", and "We Both Remember" by Child at Heart Forever.)