December 30, 2011
Dear Diary,
I text but the message goes unanswered.
I wait by the phone but it doesn't ring.
Tears slide down my face as he proves to me once again that I'm not important. I'm not important but she is. Her, the slut of a girl that he says he hates but doesn't. Her, the one who cheats. Her, the one he loves.
She surpasses me. Her texts and calls never go unanswered but mine do. Me, the best friend. The one who is constantly overlooked.
When he calls I answer but never the other way around. He needs a hug, I give him one. He needs to vent I let him.
I'm there at every beck and call. I pick him back up when he's at his lowest. He can trust me with his life and yet he doesn't bat an eye when I'm down. He's with her. He's too busy. He didn't feel as if I needed a response.
It's always the same. I'm always there for him but the favor is never returned. Best friend. I'm not sure his definition is the same as mine. I am there even when he doesn't ask. But he isn't. He never is.
I sit and wait for his text. I get others but none are from my best friend. Friends, they come and go. They are great to talk to and hangout with but aren't the same. The connection isn't there.
I don't want to take him from her. He loves her and I get that. I just want to be important too. I want to be hugged and reminded of how much I mean to him. I want a text. I want a sign that he cares enough to acknowledge my existence.
I won't hold my breath for a response that won't come. Hours I have waited in vein. He doesn't care. He doesn't love me like I do him. No, not romantically. I love him like I would the brother I never got. I love him as if he were my own flesh and blood. I would do anything for him but he's too busy with his own life to care. He's too busy with her.
He is worried about his image, about keeping up with people he bashes. Although who really knows what he thinks about me. He keeps me separate, his dirty little secret. I'm not good enough. I don't fit in his new world. One where every girl and guy says hi to him like they are best buds. He chooses to hang out with them, the fake friends over me. I never rank first.
He chooses her over me. The girl that wants what she can't have but never what she can. She will never choose him. He's too easy and she wants a case. Yet, there he stands waiting for her while I sit on the sidelines waiting to pick him back up again after she rejects him.
I text but it's useless.
I call but he ignores it.
I am unimportant to him, never ranking where a best friend should. This isn't the first time and it won't be the last. I am always ignored, but I'm tired.
I'm tired of being second best. I'm tired of going unnoticed. I'm tired of being hated. I'm tired of being looked at like the pathetic best friend. I'm tired of waiting on a boy that doesn't care. I'm tired. I'm just tired.
I can't do this anymore. I don't want to. Next time, I won't text, I won't call. Next time, I'll ignore him. His text will be forgotten, his call declined.
Friendship is a two way street and I'm tired of him expecting it to be one way. I'm done. I'm finally done.
My finger hovers over the off key of my phone. I push it.
I am done.
Forgotten